How can I show the love of my life that I am committed to my sobriety?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
So, I'm giving him his alone time. No contact. It's been a week. I sent a friendly email with a sincere apology. Made it short but sweet and conveyed I'm never, ever drinking again, and why, and how deadly serious I am about it.
Actions not words all around are how to build trust.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Your post reeks of swiss cheese. Lets just be honest here, you have been sober 3 days yet your post indicates this has been an issue for awhile. You have had no contact with your BF for a week, so the comments relating to his being supportive of you being in AA were before he took this sabbatical. Then there is the mention of the "one beer" and snap....he was over it! Mmmm hmmm I bet. Let's give you a pat on the back for not bringing alcohol in his home and respecting that boundary.
You have downplayed this to total victim mentality which is common. Its YOU who is hurt, its YOU who is hurting yourself. Oh really? Well what about him? Your description of yourself would be a sometime drinker that drinks to much. Not obnoxious, not abusive!! Just sloppy, and sometimes a bit aggressive (but not too bad!).
This is a Press Release. What you want is for us, the spouses, partners and families of the alcoholic to give you the golden "key" to getting him back. If you are truly committed to AA and being sober "forever" (oh boy heard that before), your focus should be on your sobriety.
How to get him back I don't know because I don't know him, I don't know his side of the story, and have no idea how much crap he has put up with with you. What I do know is that a sober life for you is the ticket to success and happiness, and it may result in reconciliation. No one here know if it will. The next thing you should do is post in "newcomers to recovery" forum. introduce yourself. Tell the story of your history with alcohol and don't sugar coat it. You will be supported by people who understand what you are going through, who are going through the same, or are on the other side and have maintained successful, sober lives.
You have downplayed this to total victim mentality which is common. Its YOU who is hurt, its YOU who is hurting yourself. Oh really? Well what about him? Your description of yourself would be a sometime drinker that drinks to much. Not obnoxious, not abusive!! Just sloppy, and sometimes a bit aggressive (but not too bad!).
This is a Press Release. What you want is for us, the spouses, partners and families of the alcoholic to give you the golden "key" to getting him back. If you are truly committed to AA and being sober "forever" (oh boy heard that before), your focus should be on your sobriety.
How to get him back I don't know because I don't know him, I don't know his side of the story, and have no idea how much crap he has put up with with you. What I do know is that a sober life for you is the ticket to success and happiness, and it may result in reconciliation. No one here know if it will. The next thing you should do is post in "newcomers to recovery" forum. introduce yourself. Tell the story of your history with alcohol and don't sugar coat it. You will be supported by people who understand what you are going through, who are going through the same, or are on the other side and have maintained successful, sober lives.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Yeah I concur with quite a few of the responses. 3 days is nothing in the scheme of things.
Try having the conversation at 365 days. For the next 362 days, show him you don't drink. Don't even go anywhere or be with anyone that you used to drink with. Remove yourself from any lifestyle choice that put you near alcohol being readily available. Live a healthy committed sober lifestyle as far away from your previous habits as you can get.
Al-Anon and many other recovery sources tell us that a year sober is the first signs of a possible true long lasting turning point. And I really thought my ex would make it. Nine months into her "recovery" it was back like old times. And I walked. It was just that simple at that point.
He needs space because he doesn't see a real new you yet. Give him space, and commit to the above, as if he was still there. If he loves you, he will pay attention to how you conduct yourself and decide if you have made real change that helps him come back.
My ex wanted things to be instantly back to the way it was. But you need to understand, when we have the last straw, it is very difficult to ever believe that it will get better.
3 days in. You are operating on Adrenaline right now.
Try having the conversation at 365 days. For the next 362 days, show him you don't drink. Don't even go anywhere or be with anyone that you used to drink with. Remove yourself from any lifestyle choice that put you near alcohol being readily available. Live a healthy committed sober lifestyle as far away from your previous habits as you can get.
Al-Anon and many other recovery sources tell us that a year sober is the first signs of a possible true long lasting turning point. And I really thought my ex would make it. Nine months into her "recovery" it was back like old times. And I walked. It was just that simple at that point.
He needs space because he doesn't see a real new you yet. Give him space, and commit to the above, as if he was still there. If he loves you, he will pay attention to how you conduct yourself and decide if you have made real change that helps him come back.
My ex wanted things to be instantly back to the way it was. But you need to understand, when we have the last straw, it is very difficult to ever believe that it will get better.
3 days in. You are operating on Adrenaline right now.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Look at the amount of time you were drinking in the relationship and the amount of time you have been sober.
When you look at it from this perspective I think you will be better able to see his point of view.
Trust is something that earned and once that trust is broken it is difficult to get back. Difficult but not impossible. I don't know if my wife will ever fully trust me but even she will admit I'm not the person I was. I am active in AA, I have a rich spiritual life which includes religion, I pray daily, I'm as honest as I can be, I help others, my self centeredness is a fraction of what it was, I have real friends and each day try to be just a little bit better.
This is how I've earned back a lot of the trust that was lost. This and staying sober for a while now
When you look at it from this perspective I think you will be better able to see his point of view.
Trust is something that earned and once that trust is broken it is difficult to get back. Difficult but not impossible. I don't know if my wife will ever fully trust me but even she will admit I'm not the person I was. I am active in AA, I have a rich spiritual life which includes religion, I pray daily, I'm as honest as I can be, I help others, my self centeredness is a fraction of what it was, I have real friends and each day try to be just a little bit better.
This is how I've earned back a lot of the trust that was lost. This and staying sober for a while now
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 27
Originally Posted by redatlanta 
Your post reeks of swiss cheese. Lets just be honest here, you have been sober 3 days yet your post indicates this has been an issue for awhile. You have had no contact with your BF for a week, so the comments relating to his being supportive of you being in AA were before he took this sabbatical. Then there is the mention of the "one beer" and snap....he was over it! Mmmm hmmm I bet. Let's give you a pat on the back for not bringing alcohol in his home and respecting that boundary.
You have downplayed this to total victim mentality which is common. Its YOU who is hurt, its YOU who is hurting yourself. Oh really? Well what about him? Your description of yourself would be a sometime drinker that drinks to much. Not obnoxious, not abusive!! Just sloppy, and sometimes a bit aggressive (but not too bad!).
This is a Press Release. What you want is for us, the spouses, partners and families of the alcoholic to give you the golden "key" to getting him back. If you are truly committed to AA and being sober "forever" (oh boy heard that before), your focus should be on your sobriety.
How to get him back I don't know because I don't know him, I don't know his side of the story, and have no idea how much crap he has put up with with you. What I do know is that a sober life for you is the ticket to success and happiness, and it may result in reconciliation. No one here know if it will. The next thing you should do is post in "newcomers to recovery" forum. introduce yourself. Tell the story of your history with alcohol and don't sugar coat it. You will be supported by people who understand what you are going through, who are going through the same, or are on the other side and have maintained successful, sober lives.
You have downplayed this to total victim mentality which is common. Its YOU who is hurt, its YOU who is hurting yourself. Oh really? Well what about him? Your description of yourself would be a sometime drinker that drinks to much. Not obnoxious, not abusive!! Just sloppy, and sometimes a bit aggressive (but not too bad!).
This is a Press Release. What you want is for us, the spouses, partners and families of the alcoholic to give you the golden "key" to getting him back. If you are truly committed to AA and being sober "forever" (oh boy heard that before), your focus should be on your sobriety.
How to get him back I don't know because I don't know him, I don't know his side of the story, and have no idea how much crap he has put up with with you. What I do know is that a sober life for you is the ticket to success and happiness, and it may result in reconciliation. No one here know if it will. The next thing you should do is post in "newcomers to recovery" forum. introduce yourself. Tell the story of your history with alcohol and don't sugar coat it. You will be supported by people who understand what you are going through, who are going through the same, or are on the other side and have maintained successful, sober lives.
Of alcohol .
Please post in a group and let other alcoholics help you a day at a time. You do have a lot to offer but you need to be clear headed and healthy . When you start to work recovery your life will fall into place. You have been through a lot with the loss of your friend. Your boyfriend asked for space he did not break it off completely. Take this time to get healthy.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
S.
I respect you for coming on this forum and asking questions and congratulations on 3 days sober!! You have to understand that many people, myself included have been very hurt by addiction. We have heard about every story possible, yours is nothing new.
Like Mir said you can see an addict who truly COMMITS to sobriety. They truly Grow up, Sober up and Work a program. Reading your posts, us codies just don't see your commitment. We see, "I've done good for 3 days, when will he come around". Stopping drinking is "kind of" the easy part. Its truly dissecting who you are and why do you have this addiction, what is "wrong" with me. You can truly get more information from the Newcomers forum regarding your addiction. We only can help from our point of view, loving an addict..
I hope for your sake and the future of your relationship that you take this gift of 3 days sober and work it. Find your short comings and why you do the things you do. Being honest with yourself, and working AA's 12 steps. Going with out alcohol is nothing but being a dry drunk, you still are the self centered, lying, angry alcoholic you were 3 days ago, just without alcohol in your system. Nothing has truly changed. I am sorry to be so direct, but obviously your bf does not want you in his life, so you "must" have done something pretty hurtful.
Hugs my friend, please open your ears and close your mouth and just listen. You might just see the "light" and truly find the piece of sobriety that you are truly so deserving of.
I respect you for coming on this forum and asking questions and congratulations on 3 days sober!! You have to understand that many people, myself included have been very hurt by addiction. We have heard about every story possible, yours is nothing new.
Like Mir said you can see an addict who truly COMMITS to sobriety. They truly Grow up, Sober up and Work a program. Reading your posts, us codies just don't see your commitment. We see, "I've done good for 3 days, when will he come around". Stopping drinking is "kind of" the easy part. Its truly dissecting who you are and why do you have this addiction, what is "wrong" with me. You can truly get more information from the Newcomers forum regarding your addiction. We only can help from our point of view, loving an addict..
I hope for your sake and the future of your relationship that you take this gift of 3 days sober and work it. Find your short comings and why you do the things you do. Being honest with yourself, and working AA's 12 steps. Going with out alcohol is nothing but being a dry drunk, you still are the self centered, lying, angry alcoholic you were 3 days ago, just without alcohol in your system. Nothing has truly changed. I am sorry to be so direct, but obviously your bf does not want you in his life, so you "must" have done something pretty hurtful.
Hugs my friend, please open your ears and close your mouth and just listen. You might just see the "light" and truly find the piece of sobriety that you are truly so deserving of.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Trust is built over time. Time with consistent actions-not promises. I caution you saying that you're never going to drink again-that is a death wish and a promise you can't keep! You don't know that! Stick to your side of the street and stop trying to figure out what he's going to do. I second all the advice above....you gotta get real with yourself to get better.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Originally Posted by Forourgirls
Trust is built over time. Time with consistent actions-not promises. I caution you saying that you're never going to drink again-that is a death wish and a promise you can't keep! You don't know that! Stick to your side of the street and stop trying to figure out what he's going to do. I second all the advice above....you gotta get real with yourself to get better.
I will make the promise of working an active program of recovery for the rest of my life and to do the things I need to do on a daily basis to stay sober
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
^ THAT is recovery. Thank you, MRI. I can't tell you how many times my ex made that promise during our marriage as well as after to his own kids. Broke it every time. Every single time.
Recovery is knowing your promises aren't worth anything. Only your actions are.
Recovery is knowing your promises aren't worth anything. Only your actions are.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Hi there
You got some terrific feedback from the group and as a friend and family member myself, I absolutely agree with them. Give him space and work on yourself. Time takes time and trust needs time to be earned back.
You might or might not get back together but I certainly hope that you will commit to lifelong abstinence not as a way to "get your man back" and fix your relationship but for yourself as a person who is worthy of living a good, healthy life and have healthy positive relationships across board.
I would suggest that you join the class of April so you can get and receive support from your peers who quit at the same time.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rt-2-a-24.html
I also hope you will join us at the 24 hours recovery connections where we commit not to drink or drug for the day. 24 hours is a more achievable goal at the beginning and the thread is a great fun way to hold ourselves accountable.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post5912832
Keep going to AA and start working the program (the steps), ask a lady (I assume you are female) to help you with the first three step and be your temporary sponsor. Keep posting on SR, you will get a lot of support and learn a lot of tools.
You can do it!!! For yourself. Because you are worth it
You got some terrific feedback from the group and as a friend and family member myself, I absolutely agree with them. Give him space and work on yourself. Time takes time and trust needs time to be earned back.
You might or might not get back together but I certainly hope that you will commit to lifelong abstinence not as a way to "get your man back" and fix your relationship but for yourself as a person who is worthy of living a good, healthy life and have healthy positive relationships across board.
I would suggest that you join the class of April so you can get and receive support from your peers who quit at the same time.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rt-2-a-24.html
I also hope you will join us at the 24 hours recovery connections where we commit not to drink or drug for the day. 24 hours is a more achievable goal at the beginning and the thread is a great fun way to hold ourselves accountable.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post5912832
Keep going to AA and start working the program (the steps), ask a lady (I assume you are female) to help you with the first three step and be your temporary sponsor. Keep posting on SR, you will get a lot of support and learn a lot of tools.
You can do it!!! For yourself. Because you are worth it
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Your message includes a lot of minimizing whether you realize it or not.
It also includes what sounds like panic bc your partner has (wisely) set boundaries about what he will and will not tolerate.
If you are serious about sobriety, focus on that. Not trying to get your BF back.
Sounds to me as if its been made clear for a while that your drinking bothered him. I don't know that you believed him or took it seriously. Now that he has left, you seem to be upset (as I can understand and don't blame you for).
But you knew this was possible right?
So, I guess it is time to focus on you and get sober if that is what you want.
It also includes what sounds like panic bc your partner has (wisely) set boundaries about what he will and will not tolerate.
If you are serious about sobriety, focus on that. Not trying to get your BF back.
Sounds to me as if its been made clear for a while that your drinking bothered him. I don't know that you believed him or took it seriously. Now that he has left, you seem to be upset (as I can understand and don't blame you for).
But you knew this was possible right?
So, I guess it is time to focus on you and get sober if that is what you want.
Alive in the Superunknown
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: 30.47ºN, 98.15ºW
Posts: 1,460
Originally Posted by teatreeoil007
Amen red... Sobernowforever kinda says one has good intentions but one can only state for a fact they are sober as of now...only time will tell the forever part...
Now is the only time that matters.
Yesterday's a memory, tomorrow's a dream
today can be what you want it to be,
but wishin' and dreamin' won't turn the trick
if the lessons you learn each day don't stick.
today can be what you want it to be,
but wishin' and dreamin' won't turn the trick
if the lessons you learn each day don't stick.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,003
Heya SNF, I actually left my X-addict boyfriend not because of the drugs but because of the lack of a plan of how the never-again/forever-sober was going to happen. Yes, he used many of the same words and phrases in your post.
At three days sober, talking about "sober forever" and "showing the love of your life you are committed" sound kind of the opposite of someone headed into successful recovery. With users, the more they talk the less I believe.
I absolutely hope that you are headed for a life of recovery from the truly horrible disease of alcoholism but I'm afraid you will probably disappear from this forum for more time of drinking and losses even greater than this wonderful man. I so absolutely hope I am wrong.
May courage and strength be yours no matter what happens in the coming months and years.
At three days sober, talking about "sober forever" and "showing the love of your life you are committed" sound kind of the opposite of someone headed into successful recovery. With users, the more they talk the less I believe.
I absolutely hope that you are headed for a life of recovery from the truly horrible disease of alcoholism but I'm afraid you will probably disappear from this forum for more time of drinking and losses even greater than this wonderful man. I so absolutely hope I am wrong.
May courage and strength be yours no matter what happens in the coming months and years.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,003
Originally Posted by fantail
I very much doubt she's still here. Unless she's a masochist. There's a line between "tough love" and aggression that I think was crossed in this thread. I'm a bit stunned by it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
^ I tend to agree....somewhat....but I also think coming to this forum, where we have all heard the "I'm quitting forever", is a place where you'll find many strong opinions as we were/are the loved ones of addicts. I don't think anyone was being aggressive-truthful, yes, but aggressive no. I think the main point people were trying to get accross was to work on herself....period
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