The constant lies and undermining

Old 04-18-2016, 04:45 AM
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The constant lies and undermining

Hello. I'm here because my husband of almost 24 years and the father of my five children left in September. He told me that morning that he was "miserable". All summer long, well actually since last April, I had suspected he had relapsed. He would reassure that he was fine but he was different. For the past 9 years he has been on suboxone after coming off a long and expensive percocet addiction (the second expensive one. Like $30,000 expensive). I asked if there was someone else and he said he only ever loved me. I realized later that he didn't answer the question.
So he leaves and I'm just done. I'm emotionally spent on this man who I thought was a good father and husband. He drives our youngest to school in the morning and that's it. That's the extent of the support I get. At the end of November he moves in with a woman from his AA group. I come to find out later his AA sponsor never knew about the percs or the subsequent suboxone. At Christmas he goes to Florida with this woman to visit her mom. He tells the kids he's on a golf trip with guys from AA. This is the first Christmas we haven't been together as a family and I thought we would have taken the opportunity to show the kids that just because doesn't change family celebrations and holidays. He has said and done a lot lot more. He spent an enormous amount on earrings for this woman for a Christmas present while not getting the kids anything but pajamas. When I called him out privately on all of this first it was she's a lesbian and he was just helping her and her partner move in, then it was their relationship "isn't even a thing". The earrings were none of my business (despite being purchased on a credit card that is from a business I own half of. His business is sober housing for men in recovery. I know. Ironic) and if I must know he bought the earrings for a friend to give as a gift and he was getting paid back. There is a lot more currently and a ton more in the past.
I guess what I am looking for here is why is it so hard for me to accept that he doesn't want us. Why do I continue question his sobriety? I thinks its clear from the lies and deflections that something is up. Why would a person leave a nice successful wife and five amazing, intelligent, athletic, charming children to go live with a woman with no friends and no family around here and just distance himself from everything he ever knew? (He has cut his sister and brother out too and his mom passed away last year) He took himself off our family cell phone plan, so I can't see his calls. Any insight or support I would surely appreciate. I really really thought that all his substance and alcohol issues were in our past and that we would grow old together
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Old 04-18-2016, 04:55 AM
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My neighbor told me the other day that she used to get him oxi's when his suboxone script wasn't due for a refill yet. He has also screamed at me that I have never been there for him. That was so hurtful. He was a police officer arrested by his own department buying percs. He wasn't fired until he was drunk and shot his gun in the air. My whole family wanted me to leave him then. But sober he was a wonderful husband and father. I know this condition is a disease and in my vows I said sickness and health. So I stayed with him and I thought we were having a great life. I have a good job. His job allows him a lot of downtime which he needs. My kids are older so much more self sufficient. The few times I communicate with him he lies every single time. Why doesn't he just own it? I mean he's already left me
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Old 04-18-2016, 05:00 AM
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Honestly, it sounds like a standard issue midlife crisis/affair with relapse complicating the whole mess.

Why is he lying? Because he can avoid the consequences of cheating on his wife and family and keep you in a holding pattern at the same time. Since his livelihood is pretty dependent on him being the recovery success story, that's another big motivation.

I'm very sorry for you and your kids...at this point, you maybe should just assume he's lying unless proven otherwise.

Sending you a hug...
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Old 04-18-2016, 05:28 AM
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Makes me think of "gluttony short of ruin" out of the 12-and-12- indulging his desires instead of working his program. I recognize a tendency towards that in myself, my 1st 4th step focused on part of that probably my 2nd one will too. The cravings of various kinds are always there, the more indulged the stronger they are- its about ego and separation- or in other words, the spiritual malady. Might be he hasn't hit his bottom yet- or ever thoroughly worked his AA program.

But consider his lady isn't getting a great deal; a recovery "pro" possibly in some form of frequent relapse, fired from a previous job for drug abuse, opting out of supporting his family. Not a pleasant prospect- perhaps fun as long as the money lasts & what then....?
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Old 04-18-2016, 07:10 AM
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Originally Posted by Denise14 View Post
.. Why would a person leave a nice successful wife and five amazing, intelligent, athletic, charming children to go live with a woman with no friends and no family around here and just distance himself from everything he ever knew? ...
The answer is so simple: to use/drink without being disturbed. Itīs really that simple...!
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Old 04-18-2016, 07:23 AM
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What svenissober just said is so true. Your life did not enable him to continue to use in the way he wants. He is ate up with addiction. I would guess you know the tip of the ice berg.

Put the focus on you and your children. What you need to do for the future. Get a face to face support network. Accept this is who he is now, instead of asking why. I know it's so hard. Can you go to counseling? I would say that would help you immensely.

Also, what do you have in place on a legal, child support, level? Get your ducks in a row. You and your children deserve more.
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Old 04-18-2016, 11:25 AM
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Thank you all so much. This has been the challenge of my life. More than one person has said what I know is probably only the tip of the iceberg. I don't even want to know more.
I have been going to counseling but I think maybe I have been too focused on why he's doing all he's doing and not focusing enough on me going forward and being strong for my kids. I think I'm going to talk about that next week. As far as the legal aspect I will be addressing that very soon. I need my tax return for the retainer. But I have used these last months to compile statements and other documentation as necessary. I'm an attorney myself but don't practice as my current position doesn't allow outside work.
You're an incredible group of people and I'm so relieved and grateful for the responses I have received
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Old 04-18-2016, 12:52 PM
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I am so glad you are here. While we want to know the WHY of it all, ultimately, it just matters what IS. The facts are the facts, and facing them is hard. No doubts about that. However, using your head to move forward a step at a time is the thing to do.

Many, many hugs to you.
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