I did it. (And it hurts...)
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I did it. (And it hurts...)
Hi all,
I have a feeling many of you may not have seen my post to the group from earlier this afternoon letting you all know that I'd done it and called things off with ABF. Now, I suppose XABF...
As you all predicted, he took it in more of a stride than I'd expected. And though he was crying along with me when he left my place, it was he who suggested that we "take a break."
As break-ups go, it was more "text book" than I'd expected. We'd gone for a walk (it was a beautiful day) and I asked if we could stop at a park bench for a bit. I've been noticing him pulling away from me for some time, and even the distance he sat from me was a reminder of how far we've grown apart. I basically just said, "Look, we really need to talk about this. I'm not happy in this relationship anymore. I feel like we're just going through the motions." And he agreed. Said it was just like we were on autopilot. He blamed it on our conflicting work schedules. How we spend more time on the phone together than in person. That my mother needs me more right now than he does. And I'm trying to get over my divorce. But never once did the alcohol come up.
We talked about him moving back to his home state when he's done with his training here so he can be closer to his family and children. I encouraged it... I know he's unlikely to do the necessary work to see them since he needs three months of sobriety to even get a supervised visit... But if that's what he wants, the more power to him. I wish him only the best and the peace he so desperately craves.
We walked back to my place and he said he was going to head out. He knew I had stuff to do and he did too, and he started to cry. At which point I did too. It hurt so much. Seeing the pain in his eyes.
He took the few items he'd been keeping at my place with him. I asked for a hug and got a long one while I sobbed. As he pulled back I told him I loved him. He said he loved me too, and then said, "I guess we'll talk some time in the future." (I mean, what *do* you say in that kind of situation?!) And it was the first time I've ever seen him crying, I mean really crying, when he wasn't drinking. Ever. I closed the door behind me and lost it.
I deleted the access to his email accounts that he'd given me. No need to be following up on him. And I'd already deleted all of the pictures of him/us from my phone (I did that a couple of days ago...)
I called my mom and talked to her for about an hour, and continued talking to her while I changed the bed linens, started laundry and proceeded to clean my whole place. I still need to reiki it, as well. The energy isn't bad anywhere except the bedroom. It's a little off in there for some reason...
Then I texted every friend I haven't seen in over a month to make plans for the coming weeks and got busy trying to fill my social calendar.
I know I did the right thing and what needed to be done. But my heart is heavy and I'm sad. It hurts like crazy. Right now I feel like someone has broken me in two... And as the evening wears on I'm more keenly aware of his absence. The fact that I won't hear his voice tomorrow or the next day. I keep waiting for his special text or ring tone to go off on my phone. But it won't. He won't reach out to me, nor I to him. And his tones are now the same as everyone else's again.
And so, with a VERY heavy heart, a new chapter begins...
I have a feeling many of you may not have seen my post to the group from earlier this afternoon letting you all know that I'd done it and called things off with ABF. Now, I suppose XABF...
As you all predicted, he took it in more of a stride than I'd expected. And though he was crying along with me when he left my place, it was he who suggested that we "take a break."
As break-ups go, it was more "text book" than I'd expected. We'd gone for a walk (it was a beautiful day) and I asked if we could stop at a park bench for a bit. I've been noticing him pulling away from me for some time, and even the distance he sat from me was a reminder of how far we've grown apart. I basically just said, "Look, we really need to talk about this. I'm not happy in this relationship anymore. I feel like we're just going through the motions." And he agreed. Said it was just like we were on autopilot. He blamed it on our conflicting work schedules. How we spend more time on the phone together than in person. That my mother needs me more right now than he does. And I'm trying to get over my divorce. But never once did the alcohol come up.
We talked about him moving back to his home state when he's done with his training here so he can be closer to his family and children. I encouraged it... I know he's unlikely to do the necessary work to see them since he needs three months of sobriety to even get a supervised visit... But if that's what he wants, the more power to him. I wish him only the best and the peace he so desperately craves.
We walked back to my place and he said he was going to head out. He knew I had stuff to do and he did too, and he started to cry. At which point I did too. It hurt so much. Seeing the pain in his eyes.
He took the few items he'd been keeping at my place with him. I asked for a hug and got a long one while I sobbed. As he pulled back I told him I loved him. He said he loved me too, and then said, "I guess we'll talk some time in the future." (I mean, what *do* you say in that kind of situation?!) And it was the first time I've ever seen him crying, I mean really crying, when he wasn't drinking. Ever. I closed the door behind me and lost it.
I deleted the access to his email accounts that he'd given me. No need to be following up on him. And I'd already deleted all of the pictures of him/us from my phone (I did that a couple of days ago...)
I called my mom and talked to her for about an hour, and continued talking to her while I changed the bed linens, started laundry and proceeded to clean my whole place. I still need to reiki it, as well. The energy isn't bad anywhere except the bedroom. It's a little off in there for some reason...
Then I texted every friend I haven't seen in over a month to make plans for the coming weeks and got busy trying to fill my social calendar.
I know I did the right thing and what needed to be done. But my heart is heavy and I'm sad. It hurts like crazy. Right now I feel like someone has broken me in two... And as the evening wears on I'm more keenly aware of his absence. The fact that I won't hear his voice tomorrow or the next day. I keep waiting for his special text or ring tone to go off on my phone. But it won't. He won't reach out to me, nor I to him. And his tones are now the same as everyone else's again.
And so, with a VERY heavy heart, a new chapter begins...
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
(((HUGS))) I have been where you are and I know your pain. I also know that you will be fine. You will be sad and cry for a while, but, if you continue no contact, you will find that you think about him less and less.
It will take time, but you have done the right thing for you, and probably for him, too.
It will take time, but you have done the right thing for you, and probably for him, too.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
This may sound odd right now, but I very much hope this is the start of the next chapter, but since he's still in denial that alcohol is the problem, you may well find that tomorrow or the next day he's back and acting like your conversation never happened...denial doesn't just apply to the actual addiction.
You spent a lot of energy on this "text book" break up...and with the tears and hugs and "love you's"...I hope it sticks?
You spent a lot of energy on this "text book" break up...and with the tears and hugs and "love you's"...I hope it sticks?
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Originally Posted by suki44883 
(((HUGS))) I have been where you are and I know your pain. I also know that you will be fine. You will be sad and cry for a while, but, if you continue no contact, you will find that you think about him less and less.
It will take time, but you have done the right thing for you, and probably for him, too.
It will take time, but you have done the right thing for you, and probably for him, too.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 229
Originally Posted by Ariesagain
This may sound odd right now, but I very much hope this is the start of the next chapter, but since he's still in denial that alcohol is the problem, you may well find that tomorrow or the next day he's back and acting like your conversation never happened...denial doesn't just apply to the actual addiction.
You spent a lot of energy on this "text book" break up...and with the tears and hugs and "love you's"...I hope it sticks?
You spent a lot of energy on this "text book" break up...and with the tears and hugs and "love you's"...I hope it sticks?
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,004
I pretty much said this on the other thread Jennifer but I will say it again: Really rough stuff. Unfortunately as much as you know it is the right thing to do, it doesn't change the pain. I hope it passes sooner rather than later but you probably will have lots of tears to shed.
I'm impressed with what you did in the aftermath. Talk about circling the wagons! Keep it up!
I'm impressed with what you did in the aftermath. Talk about circling the wagons! Keep it up!
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Oh, Jennifer....I know how hard it feels, right now. I have been there...
I can see that you know how to stay structured....and, that is going to come in handy for you in the next while...
One day at a time.....stay in the present....
We have got your back........
dandylion
I can see that you know how to stay structured....and, that is going to come in handy for you in the next while...
One day at a time.....stay in the present....
We have got your back........
dandylion
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Location: Western US
Posts: 9,004
Originally Posted by jenniferlynne76
What's funny is that in the end I didn't follow any script or plan. It just wound up being "text book." I'll be interested to see if you're right, because it sure felt final to me. And though we were both upset, I also think he seemed relieved. I wonder if I haven't been cramping his "style" as of late given my boundaries and desire to talk about actual feelings, plans, etc. That's not his thing. Heck, anything involving responsibility isn't his thing...
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
I wonder if I haven't been cramping his "style" as of late given my boundaries and desire to talk about actual feelings, plans, etc. That's not his thing. Heck, anything involving responsibility isn't his thing...
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Just be prepared in the event he DOES turn up again. On your phone, by email, on your front doorstep. As "final" as this felt, as Aries pointed out, these guys have a way of turning up again. If he doesn't, count your blessings. It will certainly be easier if he doesn't.
Still, it isn't unusual for these guys to turn up again, sad, hopeful, full of promises. It will be much easier if you are prepared to say, "We have nothing more to discuss. I wish you well, but I don't want to see you or hear from you again."
Still, it isn't unusual for these guys to turn up again, sad, hopeful, full of promises. It will be much easier if you are prepared to say, "We have nothing more to discuss. I wish you well, but I don't want to see you or hear from you again."
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
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J-sending you hugs....lots of hugs. Warm prayers wrapped around you tonight. I hope he leaves you alone but these guys, as others have said, sometimes don't go away when you want and need them to. I hope and pray he leaves you be.
I know how hard it is to walk away from an alcoholic you love.
I know how hard it is to walk away from an alcoholic you love.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
Wow, Jennifer, you are awesome!
Have you ever thought why usually the nonalcoholic side initiates the break up? My theory is that they, the As, are ready to play the game as long as they can. But once you become assertive and strong, they do not exactly struggle that much to preserve the relationship.
And I admire you for reaching other to other people, your mom and your friends, and making yourself busy. That is very clever.
It will hurt quite a bit, but it is acute pain and is nothing compared to chronic pain that comes with years of living with an A. And just think of all that precious time you saved by making this step.
You are so strong!
Have you ever thought why usually the nonalcoholic side initiates the break up? My theory is that they, the As, are ready to play the game as long as they can. But once you become assertive and strong, they do not exactly struggle that much to preserve the relationship.
And I admire you for reaching other to other people, your mom and your friends, and making yourself busy. That is very clever.
It will hurt quite a bit, but it is acute pain and is nothing compared to chronic pain that comes with years of living with an A. And just think of all that precious time you saved by making this step.
You are so strong!
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Ellicott City, MD
Posts: 72
These parts of life are so hard. I'm sorry for your pain.
You will find day-by-day, you think of him less and think of yourself more.
Even if he gets sober, alcoholism is a life-long battle for the alcoholic and their loved ones. Is this what you want for the rest of your life with this person?
I only read your initial post, so I'm hoping I'm not missing a back-story and offending you by what I'm saying.
I pray your pain eases and you both find happiness. Sounds like you are on the right path.
You will find day-by-day, you think of him less and think of yourself more.
Even if he gets sober, alcoholism is a life-long battle for the alcoholic and their loved ones. Is this what you want for the rest of your life with this person?
I only read your initial post, so I'm hoping I'm not missing a back-story and offending you by what I'm saying.
I pray your pain eases and you both find happiness. Sounds like you are on the right path.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
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Originally Posted by Bekindalways
I pretty much said this on the other thread Jennifer but I will say it again: Really rough stuff. Unfortunately as much as you know it is the right thing to do, it doesn't change the pain. I hope it passes sooner rather than later but you probably will have lots of tears to shed.
I'm impressed with what you did in the aftermath. Talk about circling the wagons! Keep it up!
I'm impressed with what you did in the aftermath. Talk about circling the wagons! Keep it up!
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 229
Originally Posted by dandylion
Oh, Jennifer....I know how hard it feels, right now. I have been there...
I can see that you know how to stay structured....and, that is going to come in handy for you in the next while...
One day at a time.....stay in the present....
We have got your back........
dandylion
I can see that you know how to stay structured....and, that is going to come in handy for you in the next while...
One day at a time.....stay in the present....
We have got your back........
dandylion
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 229
Originally Posted by suki44883
I think you hit the nail on the head right there. You were cramping his style, but he wasn't really ready to let go of his "comfort zone," which was you. As long as you were willing to hang on, he wasn't going to rock the boat.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
Just be prepared in the event he DOES turn up again. On your phone, by email, on your front doorstep. As "final" as this felt, as Aries pointed out, these guys have a way of turning up again. If he doesn't, count your blessings. It will certainly be easier if he doesn't.
Still, it isn't unusual for these guys to turn up again, sad, hopeful, full of promises. It will be much easier if you are prepared to say, "We have nothing more to discuss. I wish you well, but I don't want to see you or hear from you again."
Still, it isn't unusual for these guys to turn up again, sad, hopeful, full of promises. It will be much easier if you are prepared to say, "We have nothing more to discuss. I wish you well, but I don't want to see you or hear from you again."
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Originally Posted by Forourgirls
J-sending you hugs....lots of hugs. Warm prayers wrapped around you tonight. I hope he leaves you alone but these guys, as others have said, sometimes don't go away when you want and need them to. I hope and pray he leaves you be.
I know how hard it is to walk away from an alcoholic you love.
I know how hard it is to walk away from an alcoholic you love.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 229
Originally Posted by healthyagain
Wow, Jennifer, you are awesome!
Have you ever thought why usually the nonalcoholic side initiates the break up? My theory is that they, the As, are ready to play the game as long as they can. But once you become assertive and strong, they do not exactly struggle that much to preserve the relationship.
And I admire you for reaching other to other people, your mom and your friends, and making yourself busy. That is very clever.
It will hurt quite a bit, but it is acute pain and is nothing compared to chronic pain that comes with years of living with an A. And just think of all that precious time you saved by making this step.
You are so strong!
Have you ever thought why usually the nonalcoholic side initiates the break up? My theory is that they, the As, are ready to play the game as long as they can. But once you become assertive and strong, they do not exactly struggle that much to preserve the relationship.
And I admire you for reaching other to other people, your mom and your friends, and making yourself busy. That is very clever.
It will hurt quite a bit, but it is acute pain and is nothing compared to chronic pain that comes with years of living with an A. And just think of all that precious time you saved by making this step.
You are so strong!
He didn't struggle at all which was surprising to me (though not to all of you, given your many years of collective wisdom).
I am finding right now that I need to keep reflecting on the pain he caused me to keep from sinking into "it really wasn't that bad" mode. Because it was. You all know it as well as I do.
In fact, I'm normally a very positive person, but I'm wondering if it wouldn't be useful for me to start writing down all of the things he's done that hurt me that I can remember from the beginning. That way, when those rose-colored moments try to slide into my brain I will have a counter point with which to reground myself. I'm open to all of your thoughts on this...
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