A Surprise Visitor - For Anyone Whose Ex Addict Has Replaced Them...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 36
A Surprise Visitor - For Anyone Whose Ex Addict Has Replaced Them...
Hi all! Funny story to share with you all - especially those, who like me, have been guilty of the thought: "Now that my addict is in recovery, I just know that he's becoming the amazing person that I always knew he was. I hate that they've found someone new and this new person gets to benefit from all of the good while I suffered through all of the bad."
For anyone who isn't familiar with my story, I'll do my best to keep it short. My EXBFA (opiate addict and alcoholic) was in my life for 13 years in total. In a relationship with him for 5 years which ended in late 2014. From late 2014 to late 2015, we continued to "see" each other on a casual basis (mostly instigated by his routine two week middle of the night phone calls professing his undying love to me). Late 2015, it comes to light that for the past year, he had been living a double life - "casually" seeing me while carrying on a "relationship" with another woman (they were actually living together). End of 2015, he goes into recovery and we cease all communication with each other. Early this year, I find out that he and the other woman are back together.
For those of you still reading (sorry for the length!!), here comes the funny part of my story. On Thursday nights, I have a bit of a routine that I stick to. I like to think of it as my "me" night to treat myself. I go to Barre class, I order out the same dinner and binge watch some Netflix. Around 10:00 on Thursday night, sitting alone in my house, enjoying my "me" night, I hear a knock on my front door. Being the scared person that I am, I immediately mute my TV and try to pretend like I'm not home. A minute later, I hear my doorbell ring. Realizing that the person isn't simply going to go away, I pick up my phone and start calling someone (just in case it really is an axe murderer waiting to chop me up). I look through my peep hole and who do I find? My EXBFA. Looking back, I should have just told him to leave. However, being the glutton for punishment that I am, I opened the door and allowed him to come in as far as my front hallway. No further. Now here's where the story is entertaining. I'll try to cut it down as much as possible.
1) He's here to wish me goodbye and good luck (I'm moving to Taiwan in two weeks and he wanted to "wish me goodbye in person")
2) He tells me what's new in his life (he started a new business and is 6 months sober) but fails to own up to the fact that he is back in a relationship with the other woman
3) When he finally owns up to the fact that they are (these are his words) "trying to make it work", he tells me he was lying to me about it so he wouldn't "hurt my feelings"
4) He never owns up to the fact that she is pregnant with his child (oh yeah - he's dug himself a VERY big hole) or the fact that they work together in his new business. Instead he tells me he hired his male friend and some "high school kids".
5) He then attempts to sleep with me THREE times. THREE times. I had to ask him THREE times to please leave as what he wanted (me) was NEVER going to happen. He then had to lock the door behind him as he left because "he knew he would come back in if he didn't lock himself out". Oh trust me, dude, I was double bolting that door behind you.
Of course there was MUCH more to our 30 minute encounter, however, those are the amusing highlights.
Moral of the story: your ex addict may put on the brave face to themselves and the world that they are "recovered" and "happy" and "so in love" with whomever they have replaced you with. However, as I can now attest, that is simply NOT true. The truth of the matter is this: though they may be dry, they are in no way recovered. They are the same lying, cheating, narcissistic people. They aren't happy. In fact, they are miserable. The new love that they've found is not the long lost love that they've always dreamed of - the love that has helped them to "turn their life around". They're merely a distraction and a replacement. They're both living a lie. But now, we get to live our lives free of their lying, cheating, manipulating ways. We are the survivors.
For anyone who isn't familiar with my story, I'll do my best to keep it short. My EXBFA (opiate addict and alcoholic) was in my life for 13 years in total. In a relationship with him for 5 years which ended in late 2014. From late 2014 to late 2015, we continued to "see" each other on a casual basis (mostly instigated by his routine two week middle of the night phone calls professing his undying love to me). Late 2015, it comes to light that for the past year, he had been living a double life - "casually" seeing me while carrying on a "relationship" with another woman (they were actually living together). End of 2015, he goes into recovery and we cease all communication with each other. Early this year, I find out that he and the other woman are back together.
For those of you still reading (sorry for the length!!), here comes the funny part of my story. On Thursday nights, I have a bit of a routine that I stick to. I like to think of it as my "me" night to treat myself. I go to Barre class, I order out the same dinner and binge watch some Netflix. Around 10:00 on Thursday night, sitting alone in my house, enjoying my "me" night, I hear a knock on my front door. Being the scared person that I am, I immediately mute my TV and try to pretend like I'm not home. A minute later, I hear my doorbell ring. Realizing that the person isn't simply going to go away, I pick up my phone and start calling someone (just in case it really is an axe murderer waiting to chop me up). I look through my peep hole and who do I find? My EXBFA. Looking back, I should have just told him to leave. However, being the glutton for punishment that I am, I opened the door and allowed him to come in as far as my front hallway. No further. Now here's where the story is entertaining. I'll try to cut it down as much as possible.
1) He's here to wish me goodbye and good luck (I'm moving to Taiwan in two weeks and he wanted to "wish me goodbye in person")
2) He tells me what's new in his life (he started a new business and is 6 months sober) but fails to own up to the fact that he is back in a relationship with the other woman
3) When he finally owns up to the fact that they are (these are his words) "trying to make it work", he tells me he was lying to me about it so he wouldn't "hurt my feelings"
4) He never owns up to the fact that she is pregnant with his child (oh yeah - he's dug himself a VERY big hole) or the fact that they work together in his new business. Instead he tells me he hired his male friend and some "high school kids".
5) He then attempts to sleep with me THREE times. THREE times. I had to ask him THREE times to please leave as what he wanted (me) was NEVER going to happen. He then had to lock the door behind him as he left because "he knew he would come back in if he didn't lock himself out". Oh trust me, dude, I was double bolting that door behind you.
Of course there was MUCH more to our 30 minute encounter, however, those are the amusing highlights.
Moral of the story: your ex addict may put on the brave face to themselves and the world that they are "recovered" and "happy" and "so in love" with whomever they have replaced you with. However, as I can now attest, that is simply NOT true. The truth of the matter is this: though they may be dry, they are in no way recovered. They are the same lying, cheating, narcissistic people. They aren't happy. In fact, they are miserable. The new love that they've found is not the long lost love that they've always dreamed of - the love that has helped them to "turn their life around". They're merely a distraction and a replacement. They're both living a lie. But now, we get to live our lives free of their lying, cheating, manipulating ways. We are the survivors.
. The longer I am not in touch with my ex the more I see his behaviour/reasoning as complete bull.. Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 216
I do feel for his current girlfriend though. Little does she know what this relationship will bring to her and her unborn child. A relationship full of misery, the one that you've already witnessed and luckily freed yourself from. Now this bastard has wound himself up in someone else's life and will screw it up. An addict will always find their Codie's and the cycle will always repeat itself. Sad.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
I simply have to quote one of the SR members, MIRecovery, as this is so worth repeating: "The 13th step. My life is unmanageable so I want to share it with someone else."
As long as we are stuck in this 13th step, codependents or alcoholics, it does not matter, there is no recovery.
Your ex only found a very unlucky person to share his misery with. His actions and attempts are not surprising at all. He is still a dishonest person, dishonest to himself and to the whole wide world.
And thank you for sharing your experience!
As long as we are stuck in this 13th step, codependents or alcoholics, it does not matter, there is no recovery.
Your ex only found a very unlucky person to share his misery with. His actions and attempts are not surprising at all. He is still a dishonest person, dishonest to himself and to the whole wide world.
And thank you for sharing your experience!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Just to be clear, "thirteenth-stepping" refers to alcoholics with long-term sobriety preying on the newly-sober in AA. It doesn't mean simply DWA (dating while alcoholic).
Thirteenth-stepping is most harmful to the newly-sober partner because they are quite vulnerable when the have just quit drinking. Their thinking isn't clear, and they are easily exploited by someone with long-term sobriety, whom they look up to.
And "thirteenth-stepping" is an informal term, not official AA expression, but it does have a specific meaning.
Thirteenth-stepping is most harmful to the newly-sober partner because they are quite vulnerable when the have just quit drinking. Their thinking isn't clear, and they are easily exploited by someone with long-term sobriety, whom they look up to.
And "thirteenth-stepping" is an informal term, not official AA expression, but it does have a specific meaning.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
Personally, I found this expression deep at many different levels. And I admit I did not know the original meaning, so thank you for clarifying Lexie!
It is when we find that our lives become unimaginable and out of control, instead of fixing ourselves, we hop into another relationship, that is, share our misery with others. Will not get into great details, but that is how my relationship with my ex started. And it was doomed to failure. For me that was my 13th Step.
It is when we find that our lives become unimaginable and out of control, instead of fixing ourselves, we hop into another relationship, that is, share our misery with others. Will not get into great details, but that is how my relationship with my ex started. And it was doomed to failure. For me that was my 13th Step.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 36
Thanks for all of the support and love! Cannot thank you all enough for not only listening to my rants, but also UNDERSTANDING exactly where I'm coming from. Unless you've loved an addict, you just can't understand how such beautiful, strong, smart people can be sucked into such a crazy life.
As for the other woman, at first, I did feel bad for her. I felt horrible. She has her Masters in Social Work - surely she can see that she's setting herself up for complete and utter failure. Surely she can see how codependent she's become - how 3 months into "recovery" isn't a great time to jump back into a relationship. But in the end, I have to believe that she knows exactly what she's getting herself into. He was with her for 10 months while he kept me "on the side". She's the one who discovered his secret life while going through his phone. She knows the depth of his deception and the immense hole that houses all of his problems. My therapist has helped me to realize that she likely does know exactly what she's getting herself into, but deep into her own codependency, she probably feels as if she's "won" him from me. And in the end, I can't feel bad for her.
As for the other woman, at first, I did feel bad for her. I felt horrible. She has her Masters in Social Work - surely she can see that she's setting herself up for complete and utter failure. Surely she can see how codependent she's become - how 3 months into "recovery" isn't a great time to jump back into a relationship. But in the end, I have to believe that she knows exactly what she's getting herself into. He was with her for 10 months while he kept me "on the side". She's the one who discovered his secret life while going through his phone. She knows the depth of his deception and the immense hole that houses all of his problems. My therapist has helped me to realize that she likely does know exactly what she's getting herself into, but deep into her own codependency, she probably feels as if she's "won" him from me. And in the end, I can't feel bad for her.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
nope, not YOU.....she (likely) thinks she SAVED him. many people who enter social work/counseling, esp but not always just, women, do so because of issues in their own lives, addict parents, or siblings, and they have this DESIRE to be able to FIX it, CURE someone, SAVE someone. get it right THIS time....in fact, that is often a hallmark of codependency.....to find someone with the same traits, and CHANGE the outcome.
so.........good luck to her with all that. what we know for sure is that HE is no longer YOUR problem! and you get to focus on yourself, unfettered and free.
so.........good luck to her with all that. what we know for sure is that HE is no longer YOUR problem! and you get to focus on yourself, unfettered and free.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 36
@Anvil - you could not be more right! Thank you for your (always) clever and honest perception of these crazy situations!
Time to get far, far, far (8000 miles) away from him and his surprise visits. To the next chapter and the new adventure...
Time to get far, far, far (8000 miles) away from him and his surprise visits. To the next chapter and the new adventure...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 36
Oh - I almost forgot one of the BEST parts of the conversation. He also mentioned that in addition to the business he JUST started a month ago, he's interested in already starting another one (gotta love my addict. He isn't happy with himself and he isn't happy on the inside, so he constantly tries to manifest happiness from the outside). Get this - his new business - medical marijuana. Riiiiggghhhttt... because that's a GENIUS idea for an former drug addict (and current regular smoker of marijuana). Just keep making those amazing life decisions, dude. I'll be over here, bettering myself and growing as a person.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
there is a lot more to growing healthy/good pot, that a medical dispensary would even CONSIDER, than throwing a couple seeds in a pot.....it takes a huge investment and a lot of time.....i am NOt being a proponent of pot here, just sayin'................if this is his idea of his next BUSINESS, well thanks for the chuckle buddy................that's like trying to win the pink Cadillac the week after you get your starter box from Mary Kay...........
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,002
Well Curlyq, this is another of those so-bad-its-funny situations. I sure hope you wring all the reinforcement of your previous decision you possibly can from this encounter. Yikes just yikes.
I feel so very sorry for this child on the way. I wish folks could/would choose not to bring an innocent into such a tough situation but such is nature, life and humanity.
I feel so very sorry for this child on the way. I wish folks could/would choose not to bring an innocent into such a tough situation but such is nature, life and humanity.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 36
The other shoe dropped today. The GF found out he showed up at my house. And called me. That was a fun hour long conversation.
Oh, and it turns out she isn't pregnant. Friends had told me that they had seen a Facebook picture of them together (I don't engage in any social media) and that she appeared to have a large belly - we all assumed she was pregnant. So at least that's a silver lining. No innocent child is being brought into this mess.
Oh, and it turns out she isn't pregnant. Friends had told me that they had seen a Facebook picture of them together (I don't engage in any social media) and that she appeared to have a large belly - we all assumed she was pregnant. So at least that's a silver lining. No innocent child is being brought into this mess.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
Originally Posted by Curlyq268 
The other shoe dropped today. The GF found out he showed up at my house. And called me. That was a fun hour long conversation.
It was 2:00am when she called. She told me who she, was and my instinctual response was "You have questions for me, don't you?" To which she responded in a soft voice "Are you still married?"
My heart instantly broke for her. We ended up having a great conversation, and I know that both of us came out of it much stronger.
I spoke to her one other time, when I was feeling particularly down. I contacted her. I just needed to speak to someone who knew the crazy I was dealing with. She had already ended her relationship with my XAH.
I remember her saying that her wish for me and my daughter was that we find a peaceful little home somewhere away from all the hell we had been living with.
It meant a lot to me, and I will always see my conversations with her as part of my recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 36
SK - thank you for sharing your story. It helps to know that others who have been in similar situations come out on the other side, stronger.
Initially, when she called me, I went right back into protection mode. I wasn't going to tell her that he showed up at my house at 10:00 that night. That we hadn't "casually run into each other at the gas station" as she had hoped. That he made three attempts to sleep with me. For some reason, I felt some allegiance to my EXBFA. Then it hit me: I don't know this woman, but she is headed down the same path I was. I owe EXBFA nothing. He tried to lie straight to my face about being in a relationship with her. He tried to deceive me in order to get me back into bed. If anything, I owe my allegiance to this woman. She deserves the truth and I'm the only one who can give it to her.
At the end of our conversation, I almost feel like I'd gained a friend - a confidant of some sort. Just as you said, SK, I felt like I was speaking to someone who understood all of the crazy that EXBFA was putting us both through. It's so easy for my friends and family to say "RUN!". Unless you've been in the situation, it's hard to wrap your head around it.
She admitted to being severely codependent - she's a social worker and has dealt with a lot of addiction issues in her family - so she knows the drill. However, it's easiest to recognize problems in others. It's impossible to diagnose the problems within ourselves.
In the end, I sincerely hope she walks away from him.
Initially, when she called me, I went right back into protection mode. I wasn't going to tell her that he showed up at my house at 10:00 that night. That we hadn't "casually run into each other at the gas station" as she had hoped. That he made three attempts to sleep with me. For some reason, I felt some allegiance to my EXBFA. Then it hit me: I don't know this woman, but she is headed down the same path I was. I owe EXBFA nothing. He tried to lie straight to my face about being in a relationship with her. He tried to deceive me in order to get me back into bed. If anything, I owe my allegiance to this woman. She deserves the truth and I'm the only one who can give it to her.
At the end of our conversation, I almost feel like I'd gained a friend - a confidant of some sort. Just as you said, SK, I felt like I was speaking to someone who understood all of the crazy that EXBFA was putting us both through. It's so easy for my friends and family to say "RUN!". Unless you've been in the situation, it's hard to wrap your head around it.
She admitted to being severely codependent - she's a social worker and has dealt with a lot of addiction issues in her family - so she knows the drill. However, it's easiest to recognize problems in others. It's impossible to diagnose the problems within ourselves.
In the end, I sincerely hope she walks away from him.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Cincinnati, Ohio
Posts: 44
Originally Posted by Curlyq268
Moral of the story: your ex addict may put on the brave face to themselves and the world that they are "recovered" and "happy" and "so in love" with whomever they have replaced you with. However, as I can now attest, that is simply NOT true. The truth of the matter is this: though they may be dry, they are in no way recovered. They are the same lying, cheating, narcissistic people. They aren't happy. In fact, they are miserable. The new love that they've found is not the long lost love that they've always dreamed of - the love that has helped them to "turn their life around". They're merely a distraction and a replacement. They're both living a lie. But now, we get to live our lives free of their lying, cheating, manipulating ways. We are the survivors.
Best of luck to you!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
