Want to leave but scared!
 

Hi, I'm new here but have read through many other posts & can see how supportive & understanding everyone is so I thought I would share my story. Please bear with me, it's quite long, although by no means half of it. Here goes....

I have been with my other half now for just over 5 years. I knew pretty quickly he had a problem with alcohol but back then he was the sweetest guy, loving, caring, funny, hardworking etc and I was naive having the hope that he'd see the light and eventually drink sensibly. His drinking was affecting our life i.e wherever we went he had to visit a pub, he'd say he was going for one and 4 hours later I'd still be waiting at home for his return but it was bearable and we still had fun & a decent relationship.

3 years ago he quit his job (owing to anxiety) with the idea of taking a few months off, but his drinking quickly got worse as he was able to drink earlier & more and so he didn't go back to work. Luckily after much gentle prodding I helped him realise he was an alcoholic & he agreed/wanted to get help. He tried AA with me going with him and thought it was great (but now hates it & flatly refuses to go).

After the usual visits to the local alcohol team he had a community detox, but started again after a few days. He then had a GP detox and stayed sober for 3 months and then another detox, sober for 2 months but for the last 18 months he's not stayed off the booze for more than a few days and will not seek help. Apparently I'm all the support he needs.

I'm now at my wits end & it's affecting me big time mentally & physically. I know he has tried but alcohol makes my other half a very angry man, emotionally abusive, controlling and very sneaky and he has given up trying to fight the addiction.

We used to live in a bedsit & I have lost count of the number of occasions I slept in the car, at his families places, in b&b's and with friends when he become too much as I had no other room to go to and it got to the point where I was away just as much as I was at home.

Everything I do is wrong, he constantly puts me down, makes snide remarks and when it's really bad I get called such vile things I will not write it here. I'm crazy, a lunatic, I'm the one who needs help & every argument is my fault. He won't communicate & hushes me up when I try and speak or gets so verbal I can't get a word in. He's also very subtly controlling.

We've now moved to the country so I don't sleep in my car etc as we have a spare room. We moved here for a fresh start with the 100th promise that this time he REALLY was going to stop drinking. Obviously that still has not happened and I've got to the stage where I can't be supportive anymore. I used to do everything I could to try & help him but I've run out of energy & it's easier to not be heartbroken when he breaks another promise if you switch off especially when on a bad day he tells me how dreadful my support is.

I haven't switched off though. I'm constantly on edge because I don't know when he's going to explode or simply put me down. Everything I want to do (study, exercise, hobbies etc) doesn't happen anymore as he's so draining, demanding and very negative. He then digs at me for not doing these things suggesting I don't do anything although I do ensure I see my friends regularly.

I'm also sick of finding cans hidden around the house when I've asked him to at least respect my request to keep our home drink free. I ended up hating our last place as it became a case of finding cans wherever I went & I couldn't relax and shook inside all the time. Now when I catch him drinking even if I don't get angry like I used to I'm in the wrong and get called things like f**k head???? and he claims he only hides cans to trap me to see if I'm checking on him. This apparently makes me the untrustworthy one????

I've tried to end the relationship sooo many times but the next day he acts as if all is ok and I don't say anything as I really don't want anymore aggression so I guess I'm allowing it. He also said if we were splitting up I had to move out. Eventually I agreed and handed in my notice only for the agents to say it was unlikely they would give him the tenancy due to him not working. All of a sudden I'm allowed to stay but he wants money & 2 months to find somewhere and he's not even looked because he thinks all is ok.

I really really want to leave as I cannot live like this anymore but my main concern is we have a dog who I love more than anything & not being big headed he's a mummy's boy and follows me everywhere. At times he's told me I can't take him and other times that we can share him. When I gave my notice he said as I was making him homeless he was going to go back to his home town 200 miles away & take our dog. I'm petrified that when I leave his drinking is going to get worse and not intentionally my baby will suffer. My dog also has a potentially serious condition which needs strict monitoring. My other half can't even look after himself let alone a dog. In the last month or so he's been stopped by the police for calling my best friend and giving her a load of abuse & for being aggressive to neighbours. What's next?

I want out but I'm scared!

I also do care about this man very much. At one point I loved him so much & really do not want to see him suffer. He really would be an amazing man if only he could get sober. He'd be so much happier too which he was for his brief sober periods. It really sucks!

I don't know what I'm after from posting this, I guess I just wanted to get it off my chest & perhaps hear some thoughts from people I know will understand & who have been through their own struggles.

Thanks for reading xx

Hi, Kate, and welcome.

I'm not sure where you live, but based on how you write, I'm guessing possibly you're in the UK? I'd suggest contacting your local women's shelter or domestic violence agency and see whether they can help you figure out a safe way to leave with your dog. Even though he abuses you verbally (you didn't mention physical abuse, though I totally get that it has physical effects on you), you might qualify for some kind of protective order that would require him to leave and possibly keep the dog.

You referred to him as your "other half," so I'm assuming you are not married? I'd also suggest contacting a lawyer/solicitor for advice about your rights in this situation.

Hugs,

Great post. Expressed very well. Tough situation that many have faced with their loved ones. Based on my experience I will be completely honest. If he does not want to stop, he won't. It's just that simple. You have encouraged him to stop, sounds like for years and he has rejected it. You unfortunately can't control his addiction. You can control yourself however and what is best for you. I would focus on figuring out what that is for you and make a plan to execute it!

Hi,
My situation is very much like yours. I loved my ah very much, but his drinking was out of control, and he became verbally abusive.
He became a man I no longer knew. My ah called me all kinds of awful names, degraded me, intimidated me, and near the end started to threaten me.
I spend 12 years with my ah. He was the most caring, loving, and compassionate man. I'm not sure when it all changed and he became someone I didn't recognize. I think I knew I had to start thinking about myself, when there were no longer any days when I recognized that man.
My ah behavior escalated. I ended up getting a protective order, and moving out of my house.
This was the hardest thing in my life, I've ever done. I think, I'm still numb, wondering where my wonderful life went.
My ah verbally stated to me and others he was never going to quit drinking. No one was going to tell him what to do.
I feel your pain. Please take care of yourself. There are wonderful people on this form, who provided me with advice and support. I couldn't have done what I did without them.
You have a lot of painful decisions to make. Only advice I can give you, is be sure you're safe, don't listen to promises made by an alcoholic, and take care of you, start thinking in terms of what's best for me.
I have just moved to my own place only 2 months ago. It's been hard, but I finally am free of the abuse and feel safe.
I also have 2 dogs, that are everything to me. My ah also threatened to take them from me. He knew this was a way to hurt me. My ah, at this point isn't really interested in the dogs, just his bottle. Take your dog. I took mine. I am in the middle of a divorce. The dogs have never been mentioned, but he questioned a recliner I took from our home. It shows how impaired he is!!
Take care, if there is anything I can do to help, please let me know.

Z

Welcome Katetheo. I'm so sorry to say that you sound like one of us. You write really well and describe a very painful situation.

When my XABF got into meth, I realized that I could stay with him and die or leave. That was the only choice I had. Like Zircon, it was the hardest thing I've ever done.

Because of the difficulty of the situation and your own emotional exhaustion try to get as much support as you can: friends, alanon, domestic violence advocates, a lawyer. In the US, we call this "circling the wagons". The phrase comes from the wagon trains in the Westward movement. When they were under attack they would form a circle of the wagons to protect themselves.

So circle your wagons my friend and I hope we here at SR can be one of those wagons. Big hug.

Hi kat, like Lexie I'm guessing you're in the UK? You have access to the internet, so look around for resources to do with Domestic Violence. He may not be physically abusive, but DV covers verbal, financial and other types of abuse, and you qualify.

You're very stressed and downhearted right now, so support from an agency that knows exactly how to help you would be just the thing. One thing about the UK (if that's where you are) is that dogs are a high priority, and I bet that you could find an animal shelter that would take your dog temporarily until your living circumstances improve. The DV people, or your local council or even vet will know.

As for ending the relationship, the best plan is to set as much as you can up in advance. Find a place to go, make the arrangements, if you can afford it maybe pay a week's rent in advance so your abusive ABF doesn't sleep on the streets that night (although you have). The more notice you give him the greater chance he will manipulate, threaten and lie. You need to make it quick and clean for everybody's sake. I hope you have family and friends who will help you move out.

There's a lot of reading on this site to give you more ideas and insight so I suggest you look at the 'stickies' at the top of the F&F forum page. I hope you stay around to share your journey.

I just left two weeks ago and am really struggling. I did take my dog and he is my baby and best friend. But the other two dogs are his and they stayed. I know he loves them, but that does not mean he is good at taking care of them so I worry and I know they miss me. I had to leave my cats for now as I am crashing at my Mom's and she is severely asthmatic and allergic. I will get them as soon as I have my own place. He is fine with having them there, but again, that doesn't mean he takes good care of them. He can't even take care of himself.

I say don't ask to take your dog, just take him. And if you have any paperwork like his vet records and who has paid for his care take that stuff too. If he wants to make an issue of it then you can address that when it happens, but there's a chance he won't push the issue. In any event the dog will be with you and safe and a great comfort to you as you go through this ordeal.

OK, it looks to me like your state requires you to be in fear of your physical safety to get an order. Call your local shelter or the DV hotline anyway--they can still help you whether you are eligible for an order or not. And they are in a better position than we are to tell you what kinds of assistance you may qualify for. And some safety planning would be a VERY good idea. Men who engage in power/control tactics often DO become violent when that control is threatened.

I second the thought that unless the dog belongs to him alone you can probably take the dog and let him file an action to get the dog back (if he can prove grounds for doing that). You might want to consult a lawyer first. But for all the noise he makes, is he really likely to do that?

I hope you will get some good advice from your local experts.

Welcome! Glad you are here and seeking support. I, like zircon, loved my husband very much....he was compassionate and loving and caring. He was my best friend. Until he wasn't-and turned into someone that degraded me, cursed at me, threatened me , abused me and hurt his kids; the progression was slow but it happened. I too was told that nobody tells him what to do and that he was never going to stop drinking. It just took me way too many years to actually believe him. When I finally did, there was no going back. Just letting you know that your feelings are valid and I understand them completely.

Please keep coming back and getting support for yourself. Figure out what's best for you-and think of what you would tell your best friend or daughter if she wrote what you did; that helped me a lot to sort things out.

Hugs and peace to you!

Thank you all for all your support. I would love to reply to everyone individually but I don't have the energy or the brain power at the moment so I do apologise. I really have taken on board all your advise and will definitely make contact with local support. I am in the UK as you rightly guessed :) and luckily I have friends and family close by who are fantastic. That was another reason for moving...to be near them again.

Also luckily everything regarding our dog is in my name, I organise all the food and pay for most of it & am the only one that takes him to the vets when he's ill. I'm hoping it won't come to a battle over custody but if it does I'm hoping all this will help me. My poor baby has been ill again today and I do wonder if my oh had him would he take him to the vets. He's been put on a special diet to help his condition and already my oh wants to put him back on a normal diet. That scares me as why risk his life????

I found 7 empty cans in the trash today, I've not confronted him but it's left me a nervous wreck because obviously the more he drinks the worse he is & it really goes to show he doesn't care about us or himself and any recovery. I wish I could just leave now...what's stopping me???

I doubt you will have a "battle over custody" concerning the dog. As much as we love them, pets are generally considered "property" as far as the law is concerned. And with property, possession is 9/10 of the law (not literally true, but it's true enough). If he has no proof that he is the legal owner of the dog, the most he could do, most likely, is sue you for the monetary value of the dog. So if you want to keep the dog, take it when you go.

Hi Katetheo,
It is very hard to leave. I understand how you're feeling.
I think, we cling to the hope that the man we used to know will reappear. For me that never happened. My ah just got more abusive. He started not coming home, blaming me for everything that could was happening in his life. This disease as many has shared with me on this forum, is progressive. It will get worse, my ah was adamant he wasn't quitting drinking. So the only thing I was sure of was his treatment of me wasnt going to get better.
I made the decision to leave. I questioned in my mind, if I was doing the right thing.
Now, sitting here in my own place with my dogs, I know now I did the only thing I could have done. I really didn't have a choice. Leaving, gave me the space I needed to see things much clear, I guess the situation as it was. It also validated in my mind, I wasn't crazy, as my ah called me all the time, my ah had the problem, and I deserved to live my life without chaos, abuse, and fear as what was going to happen.
Take your dogs. That's what I did. My ah hasn't even asked about them. Only thing he loves is his bottle. I agree with Lexi, possession does mean something. I spoke with my lawyer when I filed for divorce, and was going to move out of my home. He told me to take the dogs.
I'll tell you this though, it's not easy. I have good days and bad ones. I gave meltdowns when memories of the good times flood my mind. But I just remind myself, that man is gone.
If I had to do it over again, would I move??
My answer is Absolutely YES!!
Hang in there! Continue to post. It really helps!

Z

it's always best to have a PLAN before leaving. as long as you are not in any physical danger, that is. make whatever arrangements you need ahead of time.....where you will, if you will stay with others, accommodations for the dog, your bank account. don't make threats to the OH about your plans. he has had plenty of opportunities to do something about his drinking, so don't worry about how he is going to survive. HE WILL. one way or another.

Don't worry about responding to us all Katetheo. We just want to be here for you.

Most of us took way longer than we would have liked to leave. Five years is good solid chunk of time and the good qualities of this man are (or were) very real. Leaving a relationship is very vey hard but make no mistake you can absolutely do this. Just keep taking the next right step.

That is awful to have to live in fear and intense anxiety wondering about whether he will abuse you today or not depending on how much he chooses to drink. It is not your responsibility to police him on how much he is drinking.
Take yourself and the dog out of that situation. You are shortening your dog's life because they are very vulnerable to all the tense emotions in the household. They pick up your anxieties and your AH anger.

One of the sticky posts has instructions on "how to leave."

One of the first steps outlined by the author of the steps is to rent an apartment. She felt taking that step at the beginning strengthened one's resolve to leave. As soon as you have an apartment, you can start having your mail sent there. You can take a box-full of stuff there every day on your way to work. By the way, you needn't tell your beloved you've done this, and in fact the author assumes you'll do all this surreptitiously.

Just sending you hugs and prayers for strength and direction. I know how scary the unknown and leaving can be but it is so much better than your current reality - which won't get better, and will just keep getting worse.

Big hugs!

For some reason finding cans was the worst part to me. My ex told me he was sober and then when we finally imploded, we were on vacation and I sent him back to his family... Got home and you guessed it, I found more cans.

All the other things, the lying, the bad days, the grumpiness, the lack of money all that just seemed to be perfectly summed up in the hidden cans.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, on the dog front I've never had them come back for the dog or cat when they said they'd want them, it's just a way to hurt you. I too love my fur babies to the moon and back. And losing them would be the worst!

Hugs!

I think the idea of just finding a place, renting it,
starting to move and simply taking the dog the best one.

I would be sure to protect your financial information
such a credit cards, bank account etc. so he doesn't
take advantage because you "tricked" him by moving on the sly.

Of course I don't think that, but addicts have a way of blaming others for everything.

Thanks again everyone, it helps so much to read your kind words & to know I'm not imagining things or my feelings are valid.

Have had a terrible day today. Took my baby to the vets today as he was ill yesterday and the vet said DO NOT change his diet, he's had patients die on him from what my boy has only to get home to my oh saying we are changing his food, it's that simple! Apparently the vet is scaremongering & I'm falling for it.

Went off to my friends for the afternoon and when I got back in not so many words my oh was suggesting in a not so friendly tone that I hadn't been there and am seeing someone else. I wouldn't dream of cheating despite how bad things are.

When we lived in the city I didn't see my friends because I wanted to always be there for my oh & also I stupidly back then wanted to monitor his drinking. Now we've moved I see my friends regularly because I have learned that by staying with him as much as possible doesn't help and I need my friends for what sanity I have left.

Following this he has pointed out all my shortcomings. I'm not the best around the house but I know half of it is because I am so drained from all of this that house work etc doesn't cross my mind at the best of times.

He also said I should set an example & stop smoking. Ok fair enough but I've tried that twice already and it hasn't helped.

Not looking forward to the rest of the evening after all this has happened in the space of one hour!!!