Want to leave but scared!

Old 04-17-2016, 11:26 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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maybe leave first, do other things later?
sounds like a soal-deadening way to live
and you deserve better
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Old 04-17-2016, 11:31 AM
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Sweetie, these are classic power and control tactics on his part.

If you want to leave, start working on your plan. Just doing that will give you some relief--light at the end of the tunnel. Keep it on the down-low and do NOT share that you're even THINKING about leaving. If you need more support and help with planning, contact your local DV agency--they can help you think this through and come up with a good strategy.

Hugs,
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Old 04-18-2016, 01:10 AM
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I have woke this morning and have decided to start making my plan.

Last night my oh came upstairs to where I was keeping out of his way and put a proposal to me...I start doing more around the house from tomorrow & he will stop drinking but needs a few days. Aaggghh. How many times can you say the same rubbish in a different way!

My first step is to ring a DV helpline as lots of people have suggested. I will feel better when I know a bit more from them.

Luckily our finances are separate so he doesn't have any access to my stuff & all my paperwork is in one place for me to grab.

That's only 2 steps but is a start
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Old 04-18-2016, 02:13 AM
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I visited my doctor a couple of weeks ago due to extreme exhaustion so she ran a full series of blood tests to see if it was anything medical. Everything was fine. She asked if I wanted anti-depressants and I said I didn't think they would help as my low mood is situational and she totally agreed. She's about the 4th doctor over the last few years who has thought tablets aren't the answer. But last night my oh was saying how much he thought I should be on them because I don't do this and that & I'm like this & that. I sense not in a supportive way but to make him feel better & so he can believe it's me with the problem. The thing is when I'm with my family & friends I'm absolutely fine...happy, chatty, me! So I know tablets aren't the answer.

I figure when I have my plan sorted I will be ready for when he doesn't stop drinking this week. I have no faith in his words. It's always been 'I will stop drinking if you come home' 'I will stop drinking if you support me' and half of his excuses for not stopping or starting again are due to me. He always puts the onus on me. It's his responsibility not mine. Even his latest thing I have to do something first for him to do anything. In my mind that proves he doesn't want to stop as if he was determined he'd do it anyway regardless of me doing something first.

Sorry just wanted to get that off my chest. Just full of resentment at the moment.

I've been asked here what do I want? I want kids, I want marriage but I'd rather be unmarried & childless because I'm single, than childless & unmarried because my oh chooses drink.

Rant over
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Old 04-18-2016, 02:48 AM
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Thank you for the rant. It's early in the morning here, and I didn't sleep last night, but wanted to respond.

I remember my ex wanted me to go on prescriptions, and I told him that I could go on all the prescriptions in the world, but that will still not make him nice.

I'm sorry, I didn't read through this entire thread. I saw you posting at this time of the morning in the US and knew not many people were here.

I saw you talking about sleeping in the car at your first residence, but now you have a spear bedroom. I used to sleep in my car in the garage with the doors locked. I need to go back and read your entire thread.

Just didn't want you to feel alone right now.

(((((((hugs))))))
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Old 04-18-2016, 02:56 AM
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Bless you Amy, thank you so much, that's very sweet of you. Means a lot xx
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Old 04-18-2016, 02:56 AM
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Hey Kate, what does oh mean? For alcoholic bf we usually use abf. I just want to be clear on this.
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Old 04-18-2016, 03:01 AM
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Hi Kate, start on your plan; just don't leave it where he'll find it. Organise money, logistics, accommodation and so on.

You're almost there!
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Old 04-18-2016, 03:30 AM
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Amy, oh means other half. Think it's a British thing. Thanks for clarifying, I didn't know so will use abf from now on xx
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Old 04-18-2016, 04:23 AM
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He wants you to take pills because he's sick...logical.

I send you hugs and best of luck with moving on. He's stuck, but you don't have to be.
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Old 04-18-2016, 05:07 AM
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I developed a pretty severe anxiety disorder during the last two years of living with my AXH. My doctor prescribed meds, which I didn't like taking but I did for it helped with the physical symptoms of the panic attacks which had become completely debilitating. (It's kind of impossible to function when one can not breathe...)

Aside from the potential for the pills to become addictive, they had other bothersome side effects that I found REALLY uncomfortable to live with. However it was still better then multiple panic attacks daily.

After a while I need a higher dosage as the effectiveness of the drug was wearing off as I developed a tolerance to the prescription. This scared the HECK out of me. I talked to my doctor who was unconcerned about it because he didn't feel I had an "addictive personality"...

I talked to my (X)AH husband about it and he was unconcerned too. As a matter of fact he suggested I just take more.. or get different meds...that he wasn't going to change his behavior so I had best find a medication to cope with the hell MY life had because because of his addiction.

This was one of the final straws in my deciding to separate. Anyone that thinks I have to medicate myself so they can continue to ruin their own health and mine right along with it, was no longer some one I could share my life with.

Leaving a 26yr relationship(22 married) was the hardest more painful thing I have ever had to do. But since THE DAY I left, I have not had to take a single tranquilizer. I don't suffer from anxiety or have nightmares and I am healing from the pain of divorce, slowly but surely.

Best of luck to you Katetheo. It's never easy loving or leaving an alcoholic. *hugs*
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Old 04-28-2016, 01:56 AM
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I haven't been here for a little while as life's been a bit busy of late but I'm sad to say I'm no further forward

My abf claimed he was stopping drinking and rather than being brave and walking away as I don't believe him I just nodded even though I was screaming inside. It's weird because when he claims he's stopping I feel even more anxious because deep down I know what's going to happen, if that makes sense.

Last night we were actually communicating and ended up talking about money and he admitted he's been drinking as much as a crate of beer (24 cans) a day. I asked how he was getting on now and he said he's managing. I asked what that meant & are you still drinking. He said no & rapidly changed the subject & walked away. To me that means he's drinking. Do you agree? The uncertainty kills me more than knowing.

One thing it's firmed up in my head is when I do go by dog is 100% coming with me & I won't feel bad for my abf for taking him. If he's on 24 cans when I'm about what will he be like when I'm gone!!! You can't have a pets best interests at heart when you're doing that. Also 2 nights ago he yelled at my dog for licking himself and called him a f*****g idiot. What?????

Feeling very sick & anxious today so just needed to talk xxxx
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Old 04-28-2016, 03:58 AM
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I'm not sure why you're "uncertain" about whether he's drinking, Didn't he just say he's been drinking a case of beer a day? And when you asked directly whether he's drinking "now" and he said, "no" and changed the subject.

Well, duh. He didn't have a drink in his hand at that moment, so he figures he can say "no". "Managing," for an alcoholic, means nothing horrible has happened recently even though s/he continues to drink. I think there is ZERO to be "uncertain" about. He's still drinking. Maybe he changed up the pattern a bit, or switched drinks, or cut down a bit in an effort to "control" it. Those tactics NEVER work.

All he is doing is trying to hold onto the status quo. If you want things to change YOU have to change them. And since you can't change HIM...
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Old 04-28-2016, 04:14 AM
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Hi Kate! Glad you came back.

Sometimes people can get caught up in the dissection of "what went wrong" and find themselves staying in situations trying to put the puzzle pieces together. While I understand why you look for cans, or try to figure out how he is getting money to drink, neither of the actions is helping you in anyway. In fact they are harming you. There is no need to question him anymore over IF or WHY he is drinking. He IS drinking. He IS alcoholic. He is NOT stopping. Counting his cans or do anything to monitor his alcohol consumption are detrimental to YOU. Why? Because even though you have a long history here of him lying, and breaking promises to stop, disregarding your request to not drink at the home you STILL question whether or not "this time" he has stopped. This will make you crazy - you already know the answer.

The uncertainty kills me more than knowing. This has kept many a person in a relationship too long. You ABF has played many mind games with you to the point that you might question is drinking if you caught him with a beer in his hand. When my husband relapsed he showed up at our home with a drink in hand and so drunk he could barely stand, yet told me I was crazy for thinking he has been drinking. Stop participating in the game - you know what you know. This situation is NOT changing.

As far as your animal, animals like people do not do well in tense or abusive situations. You are at the point in this relationship that medication has been suggested for you in order to stay, that's about as bad as it can be. Small steps are what it takes and coming here was a first. Try and stop looking for cans, try and stop asking him about his drinking. These are the first steps to detach from him and not be joined at the hip in his alcoholism. Start daily to work on your exit plan.

Its so ironic we all get wrapped up in the "what if" I leave and concern about what will happen to the alcoholic. The alcoholic in your life could care less about your mental health and for that matter I doubt cares much about the health of your animal. He cares about drinking, and little if anything else. Move forward and do what's best for you and your dog and try to make yourself a priority!
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Old 04-28-2016, 06:55 AM
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Hi Kate. He is drinking. This is his life, and it's not going to change. You need to focus on what you want for your own future, and how you can get there. Please do not procreate with this man as having children with an addict is the most painful thing in the world. To see your children be hurt like that is like nothing you will ever experience.

He is saying all the things you want to hear b/c he likely can sense a change in you as you become stronger. He will likely try some different things to manipulate you in some manner as he sees this happening, as this is a threat to his lifestyle.

Hugs to you. You will know when you have had enough, you won't be able to tolerate it any longer.

Take care!
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Old 04-28-2016, 09:00 AM
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Katheo.....I wonder if the "anxious and sick" feeling that you are having are from these possible two sources:
1. Fear of him disagreeing with you----like.....needing him to agree with you about the validity of your leaving and agreeing with you about the reasons.....

2. Fear of the future without him.....afraid that it will be too painful for you to cope with.....(there is a list, about a mile long, that people are often afraid of).....

Now, I am just guessing, here.....

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Old 04-28-2016, 10:44 AM
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Originally Posted by Katetheo View Post
I haven't been here for a little while as life's been a bit busy of late but I'm sad to say I'm no further forward

My abf claimed he was stopping drinking and rather than being brave and walking away as I don't believe him I just nodded even though I was screaming inside. It's weird because when he claims he's stopping I feel even more anxious because deep down I know what's going to happen, if that makes sense.

Last night we were actually communicating and ended up talking about money and he admitted he's been drinking as much as a crate of beer (24 cans) a day. I asked how he was getting on now and he said he's managing. I asked what that meant & are you still drinking. He said no & rapidly changed the subject & walked away. To me that means he's drinking. Do you agree? The uncertainty kills me more than knowing.

One thing it's firmed up in my head is when I do go by dog is 100% coming with me & I won't feel bad for my abf for taking him. If he's on 24 cans when I'm about what will he be like when I'm gone!!! You can't have a pets best interests at heart when you're doing that. Also 2 nights ago he yelled at my dog for licking himself and called him a f*****g idiot. What?????

Feeling very sick & anxious today so just needed to talk xxxx
Well Katetheo, most of us took longer than we wanted to get out. It happens. Just keep trying to take steps in that direction. Break it down into the tiniest steps possible if you need to.

I was like you with the promises. It wasn't his Meth use that made me leave but the obviously-bad-promises that he was quitting that got me out the door. I just couldn't listen to these and then watch it all fall apart.

Big hug to you!
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Old 04-28-2016, 11:16 AM
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Sometimes an addict real has good intentions to want to quit and stay sober, but often times this is very short lived. Usually these bouts of wanting to change their lives comes from a really bad hangover (and I think most can relate even if we aren't alcoholics the times we got too drunk with a massive hangover and stating we are never going to drink again!), problems in relationship of one spouse about to leave, DUI etc. but their addiction takes over and they are powerless to stay sober. To fancy the idea of wanting to change because your in a sh*tty situation at the moment and really changing your whole lifestyle are two different things.

Think of it this way... What your Abf is going through with alcohol is the same thing you are going through with him. He wants to leave drinking. You want to leave him. Both of you are really struggling with how the hell you are going to do this. The both of you just have different addictions, but the struggle is the same.
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Old 04-28-2016, 07:27 PM
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"I wish I could just leave now...what's stopping me???"

Living with an active alcoholic who is verbal & emotionally abusive
will, over time, destroy your self-confidence. You may no longer
believe you can take care of yourself, that is part of codependency.
But you can take care of yourself, and be happy, and feel good about
yourself again.

There is a wealth of information on SR so you can educate yourself about
addiction & codependency. This is critical for your health & recovery.
Then, you have allllllllllll these folks to share their wisdom & experience! I have learned so much, it's incredible to me how much I didn't know. Not knowing really hurt me.

You can do it! You sound very kind & sweet. Please find a human being
to bestow that gift upon- one who deserves it!
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Old 04-28-2016, 07:48 PM
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Acceptance vs. Enabling: The Difference Between a Caring Habit and a Destructive Pattern

Like this article posted on the main SR page. its very good, very good.
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