Confused wife of RAH
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Singapore
Posts: 23
Confused wife of RAH
AH has been dry for around 5 weeks now. The impetus- I asked him to move out after he went on a bender and didn't come home. In fact I wanted to move out but he said he would.
My kids are studying elsewhere so are not at home, thankfully. I have stood by this man for over 20 years of marriage and put up with a lot in those years because of his drinking.
His drinking was to cover a troubled childhood.
There are so many issues related to trust, lies, emotional abuse, broken promises .
He was sober for around 5 years in the middle, the best 5 years of my life. I know the man he is capable of being, I know about codependency, I have attended al-anon when he himself never admitted to being an alcoholic. I stayed because of the kids, now I do not have to and wonder should I just cut my losses and go.
We are separated now but still living under the same roof. We both go to MC and individual IC.
I am no longer angry, I am numb, partly indifferent.
The MC says there is a lot of hard work ahead, I don't know if I want to go there because there is no guarantee he will not relapse and I absolutely cannot deal with that again, I would break in two.
I do not want to break up my family either, my kids adore their father and he is a great guy when not drinking for the most part.
I find the distance between us too wide to cross and I don't know whether I have it in me. I don't know if I love him anymore.
I get annoyed when I read that the recovery is all about the A and I have to just get on with my healing. I have done a lot of my healing, I knew 3 years ago I needed help, I went to al anon, read the literature, did my grieving , went to IC. Now I am expected to do what exactly?
Sorry for going on but my questions are:
1. I am so confused about so many things, is this normal?
2. can a RAH ever really have an intimate relationship with their spouse again one where they not just take but give also?
My kids are studying elsewhere so are not at home, thankfully. I have stood by this man for over 20 years of marriage and put up with a lot in those years because of his drinking.
His drinking was to cover a troubled childhood.
There are so many issues related to trust, lies, emotional abuse, broken promises .
He was sober for around 5 years in the middle, the best 5 years of my life. I know the man he is capable of being, I know about codependency, I have attended al-anon when he himself never admitted to being an alcoholic. I stayed because of the kids, now I do not have to and wonder should I just cut my losses and go.
We are separated now but still living under the same roof. We both go to MC and individual IC.
I am no longer angry, I am numb, partly indifferent.
The MC says there is a lot of hard work ahead, I don't know if I want to go there because there is no guarantee he will not relapse and I absolutely cannot deal with that again, I would break in two.
I do not want to break up my family either, my kids adore their father and he is a great guy when not drinking for the most part.
I find the distance between us too wide to cross and I don't know whether I have it in me. I don't know if I love him anymore.
I get annoyed when I read that the recovery is all about the A and I have to just get on with my healing. I have done a lot of my healing, I knew 3 years ago I needed help, I went to al anon, read the literature, did my grieving , went to IC. Now I am expected to do what exactly?
Sorry for going on but my questions are:
1. I am so confused about so many things, is this normal?
2. can a RAH ever really have an intimate relationship with their spouse again one where they not just take but give also?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Amms....to me, you don't sound confused. You seem to know how you feel.
To me....it sounds like you are laboring under a lot of feelings of obligation....obligation to what you think that you should do to keep other people happy.....
Don't you deserve happiness, also? Or,....do you feel that the happiness of others trumps yours....? If so....why?
dandylion
To me....it sounds like you are laboring under a lot of feelings of obligation....obligation to what you think that you should do to keep other people happy.....
Don't you deserve happiness, also? Or,....do you feel that the happiness of others trumps yours....? If so....why?
dandylion
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Amms, leaving your husband is a huge decision whether it involves alcohol or not. You're going to have to be brave whichever way it goes.
It sounds like you've been so bruised by the past you've lost the ability to trust. I can understand that the gap of 5 years, followed by a relapse, was devastating and you have to protect yourself. If he was still drinking, at least you'd know where you both stand.
Would you want to stay if you knew he wasn't going to relapse this time, or has too much damage been done? He seems to have stopped drinking out of fear, not the recognition that he has a drinking problem and desire to be sober for his own sake. As a recovered A, my breakthrough was when I didn't like myself anymore, not because I was forced by circumstances. There's a line you don't want to cross, and it depends on the image you have of yourself.
If you do go, the children can still have contact with their father. Separations can be made to work, but it's a difficult time.
Although you don't give your age, it sounds like you still have a lot of life ahead of you.
It sounds like you've been so bruised by the past you've lost the ability to trust. I can understand that the gap of 5 years, followed by a relapse, was devastating and you have to protect yourself. If he was still drinking, at least you'd know where you both stand.
Would you want to stay if you knew he wasn't going to relapse this time, or has too much damage been done? He seems to have stopped drinking out of fear, not the recognition that he has a drinking problem and desire to be sober for his own sake. As a recovered A, my breakthrough was when I didn't like myself anymore, not because I was forced by circumstances. There's a line you don't want to cross, and it depends on the image you have of yourself.
If you do go, the children can still have contact with their father. Separations can be made to work, but it's a difficult time.
Although you don't give your age, it sounds like you still have a lot of life ahead of you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
If your kids were not in the picture what would you do? It sounds like you would leave. It sounds like you are making a decision based on your children rather than yourself.
I totally get your family unit and love for your children. Since they are grown and working on their own lives, the focus should be on you and how you feel rather than how your children feel. Your husband will always be their father, divorce doesn't stop that.
I get annoyed when I read that the recovery is all about the A and I have to just get on with my healing. I have done a lot of my healing, I knew 3 years ago I needed help, I went to al anon, read the literature, did my grieving , went to IC. Now I am expected to do what exactly? Your recoveries didn't coincide that's all. What you are supposed to do is use the tools you have to decide your future - and that's what it sounds like you are doing. Deciding to end a marriage isn't easy, or done quickly. There will be many points of confusion, one day you feel one way, and the next another. I think you are just at a point of being told what it will take to repair the marriage, and trying to decide if you want to put the effort in, OR if it can even be done. It sounds like you checked out of the marriage a long time ago. Maybe you feel a bit guilty.
Yes, its normal to feel confused.
When you speak of an intimate relationship are you speaking physically or emotionally, or both? There is much information here about physical issues with an A which doesn't end when they recover. In fact often times that can get worse in sobriety. If speaking emotionally......no one can say whether your RAH will become unselfish, and provide you the relationship you wish for. If he embraces recovery you are looking at a year of focus on himself.
I am a bit concerned that his move to sobriety resulted from your decision to leave to leave the marriage, I think you are VERY valid in concern if there will be another relapse. Under any circumstance its always a possibility.
My suggestion would be to physically separate from each other and not continue living under the same roof. That really doesn't work in the long run. You both need your space, I think you will get more clarity about what your future holds on your own rather than living together, but separate.
I totally get your family unit and love for your children. Since they are grown and working on their own lives, the focus should be on you and how you feel rather than how your children feel. Your husband will always be their father, divorce doesn't stop that.
I get annoyed when I read that the recovery is all about the A and I have to just get on with my healing. I have done a lot of my healing, I knew 3 years ago I needed help, I went to al anon, read the literature, did my grieving , went to IC. Now I am expected to do what exactly? Your recoveries didn't coincide that's all. What you are supposed to do is use the tools you have to decide your future - and that's what it sounds like you are doing. Deciding to end a marriage isn't easy, or done quickly. There will be many points of confusion, one day you feel one way, and the next another. I think you are just at a point of being told what it will take to repair the marriage, and trying to decide if you want to put the effort in, OR if it can even be done. It sounds like you checked out of the marriage a long time ago. Maybe you feel a bit guilty.
Yes, its normal to feel confused.
When you speak of an intimate relationship are you speaking physically or emotionally, or both? There is much information here about physical issues with an A which doesn't end when they recover. In fact often times that can get worse in sobriety. If speaking emotionally......no one can say whether your RAH will become unselfish, and provide you the relationship you wish for. If he embraces recovery you are looking at a year of focus on himself.
I am a bit concerned that his move to sobriety resulted from your decision to leave to leave the marriage, I think you are VERY valid in concern if there will be another relapse. Under any circumstance its always a possibility.
My suggestion would be to physically separate from each other and not continue living under the same roof. That really doesn't work in the long run. You both need your space, I think you will get more clarity about what your future holds on your own rather than living together, but separate.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I completely agree with everything red said above. Get some space. I'd let the marriage counseling go for the moment. Most alcoholics--even those working a determined recovery program--aren't in a position to focus on improving a marriage for a year or more.
Do continue with your individual counseling. It will help you gain some clarity about how you want the rest of your life to look.
One thing I'll add--if you haven't talked with a lawyer yet, do so. Find out what your options are in terms of divorce or separation and how you can protect your own interests while you are deciding how you want to proceed.
Do continue with your individual counseling. It will help you gain some clarity about how you want the rest of your life to look.
One thing I'll add--if you haven't talked with a lawyer yet, do so. Find out what your options are in terms of divorce or separation and how you can protect your own interests while you are deciding how you want to proceed.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Amms,
I am sorry that your life has been so crazy, welcome to the club (that no one wants to belong too). It really does get old, all the BS that you have accepted over the years. When it is your turn to enjoy life?
It is a very hard decision to divorce. I was with my AXH for 34 years, 26 married. I knew that he was never going to seek sobriety, as I had been "asking" him for 20 years. He didn't have an issue with his drinking, I did. That was when I woke up to the fact that he didn't want to change, but I could no longer live like this. It is his legal right as an adult to drink. It is our legal right not to partake in it.
I went to counseling and my therapist told me that separation didn't mean anything. It is a long process to divorce and that really was our "separation". I got the strength to divorce through open AA meetings, alanon meetings and sober recovery. (at least 4 meetings a week). I was very "sick" and needed a lot of help to do what I did.
I have been divorced almost a year and half. My life is calm, in my control, I have money, I am at peace with myself and my relationship with my kids. I still love AXH, but could never live with active addiction again. I have enough respect for myself never to do that again.
AXH is not doing so well, as alcoholism is progressive. I wish you luck on any journey you choose. I would reach out to a Divorce attorney for a "free" first visit. See what your rights are. You are entitled to a good life and at some point in our life it is about us, not us trying to "save" someone from themselves.
Hugs my friend, keep posting, hitting meetings and educating yourself and you will be strong enough to make any decision that you need to make and follow through with it.
I am sorry that your life has been so crazy, welcome to the club (that no one wants to belong too). It really does get old, all the BS that you have accepted over the years. When it is your turn to enjoy life?
It is a very hard decision to divorce. I was with my AXH for 34 years, 26 married. I knew that he was never going to seek sobriety, as I had been "asking" him for 20 years. He didn't have an issue with his drinking, I did. That was when I woke up to the fact that he didn't want to change, but I could no longer live like this. It is his legal right as an adult to drink. It is our legal right not to partake in it.
I went to counseling and my therapist told me that separation didn't mean anything. It is a long process to divorce and that really was our "separation". I got the strength to divorce through open AA meetings, alanon meetings and sober recovery. (at least 4 meetings a week). I was very "sick" and needed a lot of help to do what I did.
I have been divorced almost a year and half. My life is calm, in my control, I have money, I am at peace with myself and my relationship with my kids. I still love AXH, but could never live with active addiction again. I have enough respect for myself never to do that again.
AXH is not doing so well, as alcoholism is progressive. I wish you luck on any journey you choose. I would reach out to a Divorce attorney for a "free" first visit. See what your rights are. You are entitled to a good life and at some point in our life it is about us, not us trying to "save" someone from themselves.
Hugs my friend, keep posting, hitting meetings and educating yourself and you will be strong enough to make any decision that you need to make and follow through with it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Singapore
Posts: 23
Thank you for the replies
Some days are calm other days I'm a mess. i do not want to make any rash decisions. My kids will be coming back to the house on holidays and if I have moved out (I am toying with this idea) it will be difficult as my son is still not an adult and a very sensitive kid.
I just want the pain to go away.
I get that MC might be premature. In fact at the last MC I am coming to the conclusion that my RAH is incapable of understanding anyone's feeling except his own. Maybe that is his pickled brain or maybe he is just plain selfish to begin with. By the end of the MC I could sense that the lady felt something similar as she talked about us healing whether we chose to go separate for good or stay in the marriage.
Before this she had been all pro marriage. It is this session that has made me all shaky as I do not want to invest any more time or emotion in a marriage that is not going to make it.
His drinking was difficult but recovery is even more difficult. (BTW he is in AA and working the program as far as I can tell). In the past I would have been happy that he was off the bottle and deep down knew that it would happen again and just wait. This time I don't know how I really feel and am beginning to wonder if I really like the man himself. Recently the things he has done to me in the past keep coming back and I think how can I be so stupid to be within 10 miles of him.
Some days are calm other days I'm a mess. i do not want to make any rash decisions. My kids will be coming back to the house on holidays and if I have moved out (I am toying with this idea) it will be difficult as my son is still not an adult and a very sensitive kid.
I just want the pain to go away.
I get that MC might be premature. In fact at the last MC I am coming to the conclusion that my RAH is incapable of understanding anyone's feeling except his own. Maybe that is his pickled brain or maybe he is just plain selfish to begin with. By the end of the MC I could sense that the lady felt something similar as she talked about us healing whether we chose to go separate for good or stay in the marriage.
Before this she had been all pro marriage. It is this session that has made me all shaky as I do not want to invest any more time or emotion in a marriage that is not going to make it.
His drinking was difficult but recovery is even more difficult. (BTW he is in AA and working the program as far as I can tell). In the past I would have been happy that he was off the bottle and deep down knew that it would happen again and just wait. This time I don't know how I really feel and am beginning to wonder if I really like the man himself. Recently the things he has done to me in the past keep coming back and I think how can I be so stupid to be within 10 miles of him.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Sometimes relationships just kinda play out, even when alcohol isn't in the picture. I wouldn't ignore those feelings of not really liking him anymore. Those are important feelings, and you should pay attention to them. They are a strong signal that you are emotionally "checked out" and basically DONE. Dragging it out can be a painful exercise for both of you.
Even if your kids are not completely on their own, they will adjust. Life sometimes brings changes. I'm not saying your son won't feel sad, but my bet is he has noticed all the unhappiness and drinking. If you do the right thing to care for yourself, that is good parenting. It's also showing your son that when a situation is too painful, there is no shame in taking care of oneself. That's a lesson you want him to learn, isn't it?
Even if your kids are not completely on their own, they will adjust. Life sometimes brings changes. I'm not saying your son won't feel sad, but my bet is he has noticed all the unhappiness and drinking. If you do the right thing to care for yourself, that is good parenting. It's also showing your son that when a situation is too painful, there is no shame in taking care of oneself. That's a lesson you want him to learn, isn't it?
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Reading your posts here, and on another thread, it really does sound like the marriage is over for you.
If you separate and your RAH stays sober there is a good chance of a decent divorce. I had the same doubts as you did about leaving my H, not an A, but my now adult children have adjusted well and I have a good relationship with his second wife. We see each other at family events and I have made a determined effort to keep her as well as him onside.
You sound sad, and there is a life after divorce where you at least you have a chance to be happy again.
If you separate and your RAH stays sober there is a good chance of a decent divorce. I had the same doubts as you did about leaving my H, not an A, but my now adult children have adjusted well and I have a good relationship with his second wife. We see each other at family events and I have made a determined effort to keep her as well as him onside.
You sound sad, and there is a life after divorce where you at least you have a chance to be happy again.
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