Finally talked to my Ex on the Phone, Need Advice
 

I finally talked to my ex over the phone. He asked me to call him so I did. Its been nearly 4 months since I had seen him, with little communication. We do have a child together.
He sounded so happy and healthy. He said he traded alcohol for pot. When we lived together, he was already smoking so that was helping but, he would always relapse. He said hes been sober since we split and that the only thing that stops him from drinking is smoking.
We talked a little, laughed a lot. I miss him so much. For a second I thought about meeting him. What is it that I think is going to happen? I keep thinking he can be the person I love, the person that my daughter needs. But I know that he hasnt grown up yet. I still love him. Its so hard. I just need to drill it into my head. :(

You can't quit a drug by replacing it with something else it's that simple. You quit a drug by making the choice not to do it again and to change your life. Just my opinion but I know from experience.

I'm curious if he has intention to see his child, or has seen her in the past 4 months?

Yeah, replacement doesn't work.

If he's smoking out, he's not sober.

I copied this from Dee a few weeks ago, he is from the "other" side. I think it might put it into perspective of what it is like being an addict.

I used to think my problem was weed, then I thought my problem was alcohol, or shopping, The truth was - I was the problem. I had this void in me I was trying to fill with 'stuff'. The problem was the void was bottomless. I've had better results trying to heal the void.

Hugs my friend. Every time I have contact with my AXH it hurts for days.

LOL. You can't be sober and high!

Hmmmm.... For some reason I see in his not so distant future telling you that he's only able to stop smoking pot by drinking. Uh huh. This dude ain't sober-he's an addict in massive denial. ( this so reminds me of one of my exs best friends-his wife told him to stop drinking so much by smoking more pot-I wish I was kidding. Denial and denial by both parties!)

You've done the right abd smart thing to get him out of your life and your child's. Does he see your child?

Hi Heys, I am so sorry that it hurts so very much and it DOES!!!

It is too bad that so many addicts have wonderful qualities; it would be simpler if they were pure a$$hats.

I hope you have a good support system. Take care of yourself. Keep posting.

As a sober guy, I can tell you that weed isn't sobriety. I know some people who have quit drinking and started smoking, and while they might not be as inebriated as they once were, it's not a program of recovery and accountability either.
It's a bargain, and in my case, a fools errand. Upon trying it in the past eventually weed needed beer to go with it.
Real sobriety is a spiritual physical and moral revitalization.

Replacing one addiction with another never works long term. Hugs.

Which part do you need drilled into your head???

The part where he’s switched one addiction for another or the part that he’s a father smoking pot instead of building a relationship with his child.

I'm sorry you are dealing with an addict who is still using instead
of stepping up to help raise his child.

You both deserve better--he isn't in recovery, that much is clear.
:grouphug:

Please don't tell me he said something like: "Alcohol filled me with so much anger/hate/bile, but with pot I can face life with peace/love/calm."

I can tell you that when a pot addict isn't smoking, there can be a LOT of anger and rage.

There was a thread a while back that you might want to read if you're thinking about seeing him again.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...nevitable.html

He sounded so happy and healthy.

i get that a person can sound HAPPY (or in this case, STONED), but how can you tell if someone sounds HEALTHY?????

Thanks all for your replies. I left a lot out but in the scheme of things, they dont matter. What I mean by "healthy" is that he was not slurring, he wasnt angry. He said he was happy. I didnt mean that I knew he was healthy. Some of y'all are so literal.
I want to drill it into my head that he is never going to be the person I want him to be. I dont consider smoking pot a bad thing, but I guess it is if youre an alcoholic/addict. Your comments help me to see a different side of things.
This has been hard but I wont give in and see him, not for a while at least.

HeyssellBear......lol...you already have it "drilled" into your head. You know it, intellectually, already.
The hard part is the acceptance of that reality.
Acceptance of something that we don't want to be true is the veery hardest thing!!

dandylion

He wasn't slurring or angry bc he was high. I guarantee you he would be quite angry without his drug of choice. If you have to escape reality, yours not happy nor healthy. (I've been there-trust me).

Dandy said it best-knowing something and accepting it are on two different sides of the spectrum.

Has he seen his own child?

You know he hasn't changed right?

He was abusive when we lived together. The last time I saw him he attacked me and I called the police. I did have a temporary order against him, I couldn't get him served so it was dropped. I haven't seen him since. He does ask to see his child, but I cant bring myself to let him come over. its probably for the best right now.