Thomas45

That isn't sobriety by any stretch of the imagination. That is the complete opposite of sobriety - using drugs to alter his state of being because he can't cope with life without using drugs.

Getting sober by smoking marijuana makes about as much sense as trying to clean shag carpet with a corn broom.

healthyagain

Perhaps he was high when he was talking to you . . . you know, extremely happy?

Thumpalumpacus

Dealing with reality on reality's own terms is a precept of AA for a reason.

Recovery is not about quitting drinking. Recovery is about fixing inside us addicts the thought process that makes intoxication seem like a rational response to reality, in my own opinion.

If you need intoxication of some sort after you've quit drinking, you may be sober but you're not in recovery. Sobriety treats the symptom, but only recovery treats the illness.

AnvilheadII

Some of y'all are so literal.

part of OUR recovery is being very intune with the messages we tell OURSELVES......as in: he sounded so happy and healthy!
the codependent part of our brain seizes on that like wolf on an elk kill only all it hears is HE IS HAPPY AND HEALTHY NOW. and that means he's SAFE and all the bad stuff is GONE.

and we also have to look at the words we use.....HEALTHY doesn't really mean "able to understand him when he talks because he's not sh!t faced drunk". HAPPY doesn't really mean "not in a complete rage".

the more real WE get, the more real the world gets around us.

Needabreak

It's called keeping one's eyes open and being honest with oneself about what is happening. Might help for you to try this, instead of brushing it off sarcastically.

Addiction is the problem here, regardless of what his current substance of choice is. You stated in an earlier post that he attacked you while you were holding your baby, that he blamed you for his addiction, and that you just couldn't deal with the lying, cheating and abuse anymore.

He is never going to be the person that you want him to be.

HeyssellBear

Ididnt brush anything off with sarcasm. I laughed when I read my own post. It was a feeling. I logged on here to vent, thats how I felt at the moment. I was not thinking clearly. I just thought about how happy he sounded, how happy he told me he felt lately, because he no longer feels any darkness in his life like when he was drinking day in and day out. I am grateful for all the advice that you guys throw out here, it has helped. Just dont assume that I have my head up my ass either, this has been hard. thank you.

LexieCat

It's cool. Sometimes tones don't always translate well in posts.

I think what we're trying to get across is that reality doesn't translate so well over the phone, either. And you know what? Maybe he IS feeling better. It doesn't necessarily make him a healthy partner or reliable parent. You can be happy for him if he's feeling better without getting yourself all wrapped up in "what-ifs."

As we often say around here, "more will be revealed." Sit tight, and keep taking care of yourself and your daughter as if he will never be back in the picture the way you hoped.

HeyssellBear

After all the BS this person has put me through I thought for that moment, I just want to hug him. Tell him that he can get through this that I love him,. I accept my reality. I accept that he cant be that person and that I done with all that muck. Pouring it out here like that, as incoherent as it was, helped me not want to run out to see him. Next time I will wait a bit before I come here and rant. have a nice weekend everyone

dandylion

HessellBear....you are always welcome to come here and vent!!

dandylion

Thumpalumpacus

While I agree with your critique, I do disagree with your last line. People can and do change for the better. Is that who we want them to be? Well, that's an individual thing based on both the changeling and the expectant partner.

But alcoholics can and do not only sober up, but change their outlook as well. "Never" is an awfully long time.

I get your gist, that she has to look out for herself first, and rightfully so, but it seems to me that if one says "you'll never do this or that" one is imposing one's own decision on the matter without owning that same decision.

Not many of us clean up and take recovery to heart. Some of us do. How to separate the wheat from the chaff with a bludgeon?

Not taking issue with your main point, only with your use of that word "never", only because that's an awfully long time.

Berrybean

Yes, I agree. There are many who do. And we havent done it by shifting our obsession and dependence onto something else. Recovery is not necessarily the same as abstinence, and it certainly isn't changing our drug of choice. For me, and others I'm close to, it takes daily commitment to have a healthy recovery, but is worth every second of the time I put into it.