jessieandme2003

Today I put into writing a description of how I ended up marrying my AH and then eventually ending it a couple years later.

I found that during this self-reflection, I remembered that at some point I was prideful. I was ashamed to have gotten myself into a relationship with my AH. I was ashamed that he would behave the way he did and I couldn't control it. I was ashamed of him, and I was ashamed of myself for not being able to change him.

I would hear women talk about how they would 'never let their husband do X or Y'. I always wondered how they got their husband to listen. How'd they get him to care whether they wanted him to do it, or go, or whatever.

I'd hear men I work with say their wives would never let them do X or Y, or they'd better do X before going golfing this Sunday. Either way, clearly their wives had influence over their decisions.

I even used to think (forgive me ladies) "geez, look at her, she is old and way fat and still he treats her good and gives her nice things and stuff. I am actually way cute and smart and successful and yet I have a guy giving me nothing." I only got the affection I was addicted to if I didn't push things and try to control him too much.

Why didn't he love me enough for me to have any influence on his decisions like those other relationships had going on?

I became ashamed to have anyone know my husband would just choose to go to the bar and not come home, even if we had plans. That he wouldn't get me anything for my birthday, or mother's day. Or that he'd take the money and spend half on me and half at the bar.

I became embarassed at the thought of the people I work with ever meeting him, seeing the kind of man that was 'the best I could do' and married. Immature, dumb and drinking, that was what I saw if I loked at him through their eyes.

And this was my second marriage. I became embarassed to admit I screwed up again, and that my daughter would have a mommy who failed two marriages.

Pride really played a factor in my staying in a bad thing.

Even in thinking maybe marrying him would help me secretly fix it, change it, whatever, so I wouldn't have to admit it was bad and walk away. Maybe his marrying me would give me the pull in his mind to influence change, finally. He'd change because we were married.

Ha!

I hope I rais emy daughter to know that she should never be ashamed to say "I made a mistake" and correct it, and not worry about being judged. I always worried way too much what people would think.

splendra

It always gets me when someone complains that their husband won't pick up his socks!!!! I mean wow major problem huh!!!

I know what you mean about pride my pride won't let me call the law to help me get my H out of my life......I mean what would the neighbors think?

Good to see you (((((jessie)))))) great post!!!

Star Gazer

I am doing the same thing right now. The situation is different, I am an ACoA and my BF is a recovered alcoholic. I now see that he never recovered. He acts like an A but doesn't drink. He never faced his demons. I am ashamed that I let myself stay in a relationship this long and refused to see how wrong it was because of my sick fear of abandonment.

I am happy to see I am not alone. Thank you for posting. You have no idea how much I needed that.

redrose0729

I know how you feel I don't tell anyone about my bf's problems either it would be to embarrassing.
Rose

Peaches04

I can so relate to what you said! The other day I was somewhere and a husband was saying 'my wife would never stand for that sh**" - and it was something little. And I was just like you thinking "oh my gosh - I'm weak, I'm hopeless, I'm a doormat". I was extremely uncomfortable, as my AH was there too..and I just felt like he was thinking "not me buddy - you should see sh** I get away with...haha". That really made me sick to my stomach. That's a bad feeling. I too will not let my daughter see that. Thanks for reminding me of that feeling...as weird as that sounds.

Star Gazer

I never even thought of myself as a doormat until you said that. I told the guys at work that when I say jump, he sits down. He never does anything that I want him to. I think he should do these things to simply make me happy but he won't. He helps out around the house alot but these aren't things I ask for. I ask for a stable paycheck, his own car, and other basic things normal people do to survive.

bookworm

You've been really honest with yourself - that's what you should take pride in.
Big hugs to you

chess

This familiar to me too. I'm still wondering how and why have I adopted this strange way of thinking and relating to others. If someone treats me bad I go out of my way to try and please them so that they would treat me better. That's being a doormat. Why do I do this? How come I think I'm not good enough? Why can't I just think that someone being an a** should handle their own problems and not take it personally. And how in earth do I think me being nice to them is gonna change how they treat me? I'm still clueless.
Can anyone help unclue this chain of thinking?

best

Many times I have looked at others and thought... how can he or why does he treat such a wonderful person like that?
DUH! look in the mirror... how could I or why did I ever treat my wife as I did?
Pride works both sides of the fence. My pride (along with other things) had me treat people as I did. Till I learned what is what and what is right, I wasn't about to change. No one is perfect. Some are less perfect then others and till we improve ourselves, we won't treat others correctly.
You can't change him, he would need change himself.
As far as control... If I do this and she gets upset?
If I do this and she is nice...
I respond to the nice and get defensive when she gets upset.
I am stubborn as can be. She has learned that but so havn't I.
People pick a spouse for many reasons. Most times the intent is a direct response to our nature.
Knight in shining armor who wants to save her from the world or the mothering type who wants to fix the hurt in others or just because we fall in love for what ever reason.
A friend has told her sons… be careful who you go on dates with, for you never know who you will fall in love with.
Don’t be so hard on yourself for being human. Last I looked we all are human.

StandingStrong

This is truly a great topic. Pride definately comes into play on both sides of the relationship (from the addict to all those in their life that stay).
Yes, love is usually a big part of it - but pride is as well.
I think that you've really made a great step in your recovery by what you have said.
I'm proud of you for having given it so much thought, realizing that it exists for you, and for learning from it.

Peaches04

They say - and no offense recovering alcholics, that alcholics are the most cunning manipulators in the book...and I believe it. I am the wife of an alcholic and the sister of a recoverd (thank God, truly) addict. They seem to know exactly what to say or do, and when to say or do it... they always (until now that I know better) get the reaction they want that can lead to what they want. That being said, sometimes I don't even think they realize they are doing it. Ofcourse, I suppose us codies have gotten pretty damn good at the manipulation thing too. Maybe if we were really honest and just said what we want or need, and meant it...we'd see some changes. I'll try to do that from now on and let you guys know how it goes... Wish me luck - whew - this will be hard for me!