healthyagain

You may write the letter, but will he bother to read it? News in person is great in an ideal world with healthy people.

Speaking from personal experience, I think we have to lower our expectations even when it comes to break ups.

How about a text message and then no contact?

jenniferlynne76

Atalose,
My answer would be "go to meetings, go to counseling, get help, get sober. And when you've been clean for a year and have had the time to work on all of that stuff swirling around in your hear? Then, maybe then, give me a call."

jenniferlynne76

I definitely am feeling a need for closure. And I wouldn't dare attempt any of this without the guidance of my counselor. I may or may not get what I'm seeking but, as long as I stand firm, she supports me at least making the attempt.

jenniferlynne76

Thank you, teatreeoil. My therapist and I spent a lot of time talking about this today -- the internal growth and healing I am beginning to experience. And the need to learn to take things one day at a time...

jenniferlynne76

Healthyagain,
It's an option. Heck, everything is an option at this point in time. Where my therapist and I left it was that I would make an attempt at personal contact and if that doesn't work for any reason (he doesn't show, it doesn't feel right to me, whatever...) then the message I wrote gets sent off to him (likely as a text because he never reads email and I wouldn't be caught near his house...).

Hawkeye13

What about that old-fashioned "Dear John" letter using an envelope
and stamp?

Hope it goes well JL no matter what the final medium. . .

saljay1

JL, I've been reading your thread. The first thing that struck me was that you're so willing to listen! So many come here and though they want help, they're not ready to hear. Most of us, I think, felt that *our* situation, *our* alcoholic, *our* relationship, were somehow different and special and no one else really understands. Yeah, right.

You said that the mornings or after work are the only time you can talk to him sober. But if he's an active alcoholic, he may not be drinking at that moment, but he is FAR from sober. He still thinks like a drunk. It takes a while after they stop drinking for them to think "normally" again. We're talking weeks/months. This is just my experience and I'm sure no expert! But your expectations might be a bit high for how sober/reasonable he is....

Best of luck!

jenniferlynne76

Thanks Hawkeye. We are approaching the final count down, whether it's a phone call or a text. I'd prefer a phone call. Though the trouble is I have been having to make them in the mornings because it's the only time he's sober that doesn't exactly set either of us up for a good day (not that I should even be worried about his feelings at this point. But it feels like a rotten thing to do to someone before they're due to go to work.)

Bekindalways

Man oh man JL. You really have got this.

Of course, anything can happen but no sense "future tripping" beyond what you can reasonably expect and you seem to have a plan for all the reasonably expected events.

atalose

Now what if he says…………I can’t do this without you, I need you and I need your support to help me. And he begs and begs and pleads his love to you?

LOL not trying to give you a hard time! Just planting some seeds from plays right out of the standard alcoholic playbook.

jenniferlynne76

Thank you. I know I need help, which is why I'm here and why I'm seeking therapy. It doesn't do me any good to ask for advice and then ignore it. :-)

This is a fair point. I suppose a more accurate statement would be that he's at his "most sober" right after work or first thing in the morning.

LexieCat

Most alcoholics think more clearly when they've been drinking. Not drunk, but when they've had a couple.

You don't want to have a serious discussion with someone who's DRUNK. I see no reason not to have one just because someone's had a couple of drinks. When you're an alcoholic, that's when you feel most "normal."

If your goal is to say what you feel you need to say before you say "goodbye," then I'm not sure what waiting for the "perfect moment" is going to accomplish. Frankly, from what I'm reading here, it doesn't sound to me like you want to break up with him. If you don't want to, don't. There isn't some kind of rush about it--you're not in any danger, from what I can see.

Maybe just start going to Al-Anon and get your head clear about what you want for yourself, rather than taking notes on what other people have to advise. It's your life. If you're not ready to end it just yet, let it ride for a bit.

suki44883

As I said in your other thread...it doesn't sound to me like you are truly done; and that's okay! You don't have to be ready to end things right now. However, you do need to take care of yourself and be honest with yourself both about what you truly want and what is actually feasible.

jenniferlynne76

Ha! I'm always up for a good role play, Alatose! It's good preparation.

My answer to that would be "I know that in my heart, I've done everything I can for you up to this point. Now it's up to you. YOU have to want this. YOU have to be committed to it. And YOU need to learn to love yourself because until you do, you'll be wrestling with these "demons" and there won't be room in your life for me or anyone else."