armartin

Some of you know my journey... moved out from AH. Planning to file for divorce. Last night we exchanged kiddos and he started drilling me about a timeline of when I was coming back, if I was coming back, when it would be, what would happen, etc.
Everytime we talk about this subject I get very anxious b/c if I tell him I'm not coming back, he will flip on me and start the crazy. So I've been avoiding it. Last night I said, I don't know that I want to come back (I don't!). And he did the usual crazy behavior and then said he had no reason to be alive and would kill himself if I didn't "give him one last chance".
It scared me. I think I need to take it seriously, because we had an issue in November with a gun... and I just don't feel like I should be taking this lightly. I don't know what to do. I've thought about contacting his counselor, contacting law enforcement. He has a CPS report against him clearly stating that he was in possession of a gun.
I have changed the code on the gun safe, but he has a master key and changed it back. I don't live at the house anymore, and I have no control over the gun safe.

Is it my place to make sure he is safe... to move the guns to a safe location where he cannot access them?

I just have knots in my stomach typing this out.

Opivotal

One thing I've learned is never to ignore a warning sign. Your gut is telling you to act. I would be concerned as well.

Is it possible to remove the guns and hand them over to the police, without putting yourself in harms way?

armartin

Opivotal, that is something I was considering. I do have connections with the local PD and I think I may contact him to see what his thoughts are.

He also has a friend with a gun safe and I have considered asking to put the guns in there and not allowing him access for the time being. I just don't know if I legally have that right.

hopeful4

You can request a well check on him. If you call the local police and state you question that he may harm himself, they will go talk to him. Just a thought.

I am so sorry.

At one point I remember when my X was very drunk and got a very sharp knife out and I was very afraid he would hurt himself. I stayed w/him until someone else showed up that was more appropriate than myself to be there. It was scary.

Many, many hugs to you.

armartin

He told me that he would do it when no one expected it... and so I just feel like if I could get the guns out of the residence, that would be a good proactive step.

Its not a fun position to be in, I don't like feeling controlled and manipulated. Its very difficult and unfair.

wanttobehealthy

I would call 911 and report that he is making these threats to kill himself the next time it occurs.

Leave the assessing of how serious he is (or not) to the pros.

My xAH did this when he felt he was losing control of my willingness to tolerate his BS.

He was not serious.

Opivotal

I would certainly make use of your contact, armartin.

Find out legally what you can do.

Definitely bring up the guns.

armartin

I came across this, which I find helpful....

In response to, "I'll kill myself if you leave me":

I'm not breaking up with you to be cruel. I'm very, very sorry that this hurts you. I want what's best for you in the future, but I just can't be part of it. And even if I were to stay with you, that wouldn't solve our problems.

For one thing, your life's worth should be based on much more than just being in a relationship with me. Secondly, I know that you know deep inside that our relationship shouldn't be based on me staying because I'm afraid of you dying and you staying because you think you can't live without me. That's not healthy. I care about you. And because I care about you, I want you to live. And I want you to find your own happiness, and your own life's worth, without me.

LexieCat

I wouldn't engage with him over this. What about the protective order? Don't you still have that in place? He's legally prohibited from having guns. If the police won't retrieve them, contact the BATF. Here's a link to the Montana Field Office: https://www.atf.gov/denver-field-div...-field-offices.

AnvilheadII

i'd also think long and hard about allowing my children to be left in his care..........EVER.

minime13

Document what he says and report them. If a person is a danger to themselves or others, they can be held. Call the police and report the suicide threat.

It is not your place to make sure he is safe - you are not his caretaker. It is your place to make sure you and your children are safe.

Talk to your lawyer to see what can be done to protect your children from a potentially suicidal father. See what options you have - I wouldn't want to leave them in his care after that threat.

Report any threats to the police, and let him know you do take those threats seriously. These could be mind games, or attempts to further control you, or they could be serious. Either way, you can report them and allow the proper authorities assess the threats.

LexieCat

One other suggestion, talk to an advocate about amending the protective order to require him to turn in the firearms and also to suspend visitation in view of the suicide threat.

minime13

One thing about taking the guns out of the house - who owns them?

If they are his guns, he could easily turn around and charge you with theft. Something to keep in mind - don't get yourself into possible legal trouble on his behalf.

LexieCat

Agreed, it should be someone in law enforcement or the court that removes the guns.

armartin

Exactly, they are his guns, not mine.

minime13

You can only do so much to help others, but you and your children are the priority here. As far as his suicide threats, you can report him to the police. They can legally provide a wellness check to evaluate his needs. If it is legal for him to own the guns, then you can't take his property. As well intentioned as that may be, it would be considered theft.

If he's an increasing threat to you, then you can file a protective order. If you already have a protective order, you can report his gun ownership, as he shouldn't have any in his possession if he has a protective order against him. Let the legal channels sort that out, as far as his guns are concerned.

Easier said than done, especially when he's making those threats. It's not fair or okay, for you or your children. However, the sooner you get authority figures involved, when it comes to his threats, the better off you will be.

armartin

Thank you minime13!

I haven't heard another threat yet. But once I do, I have a plan that I will put into action with no questions asked.