I have trouble assuming people's intent this way...maybe I don't know the back story completely, but Confused, was this what your plan was? It doesn't sound right?

I can see someone who is very logical and analytical thinking it would be helpful for a person to see what drove the need for rehab. It's like many of us who keep our first threads printed out...it's too easy to forget when the AV comes knocking.

Surely there are more direct ways to sabotage recovery if that's really what the plan was?

No this wasn't my plan. If I wanted to sabotage my marriage, I would just leave. I told her because she needed to know. Should I have told her sooner? Yes, but I didn't want tip tell get while in rehab because she was getting better for her and I thought she would be stronger after rehab. I waited a week, yes, but, like her, was embarrassed and ashamed, which does not make it right.

Confused, I reread your previous thread before responding and you yourself use the phrase sabotage.

I will say here that it takes one to know one. I did very passive aggressive things in my marriage to an alcoholic and felt regally justified. When I started therapy and the 12 steps for myself, I realized I was raised in a family that passive aggressive & codependent behavior was normal.

No matter what you decide to do & who you wind up with, you take this behavior trait right along with you. So work on you. It's the only thing you can truly change - yourself.

Peace,

Confused - its been a couple of days since you posted. How are things going at home? Have things settled down a bit?

sabotage
 

Confused-I just wanted to clarify that when I think in terms of "sabotage" here I was referring to sabotaging her sobriety; not necessarily your marriage, however you may feel you ARE sabotaging your marriage by having an affair and telling your wife that. Part of this issue is the 'timing'; doing these things just as she is coming home from rehab. Unfortunately, you don't have to actually leave your marriage to sabotage it. But, I think most of the posters here were/are referring to sabotaging her sobriety, and there are a lot of ways that can be done; sometimes we don't even realize that is what we are doing.