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Latest Quack but it's scaring me

Old 04-11-2016, 05:26 PM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
Great! Feeling empowered is WONDERFUL. Just don't let it make you careless. You still have to be careful, and as long as you are, you should be just fine. Keep any exchanges you MUST have with him (e.g., concerning the kids) absolutely neutral, no matter how much he tries to provoke. Practice your deadpan look/voice. You're cool but smart and not putting up with nonsense.
All exchanges will be at the Police Station (as they are supposed to be but I have relented and not insisted at times) and all will be recorded.

That is in one of the early prior orders and it remains in effect in the final order too.

I feel a weight has been lifted. Being afraid EVERY.SINGLE.DAY for years is a lot....

I am sure I will continue to have days I feel afraid, but I feel in control of my own life today and that is a NICE feeling.

I truly am not sure why I didn't just set this boundary ages ago with him.

I think that I was afraid to change the dynamic... at least when he's in touch all the time and being an a$$, I know what to expect... I think I was oddly anxious about what changing that would mean...

Not anymore.
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Old 04-11-2016, 05:28 PM
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Good for you (and the girls) WTBH for finding your "Not This," and going with it.
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Old 04-11-2016, 05:29 PM
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Can you please be sure to run everything by this forum first. We really do love you and your daughters here and want the best for you.

((((((((((hugs))))))))
amy
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Old 04-11-2016, 05:35 PM
  # 84 (permalink)  
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If it were not for this forum I would likely not be alive today. Literally.

Even today, all these years later, when I am thinking I have a lot of stuff figured out, it's clear I have a long way to go.

I think my choice to stand up to xAH right now is about a lot of things:

I could not stand up for myself as a kid, I was stuck, abused, with no help. I told no one, but people knew. And no one dared help, they feared my mom's retaliation. And they used that as an excuse to turn a blind eye.

And I did not stand up for my own kids during all the years I stayed with xAH. Sure I thought I was being a good mom but I wasn't. I subjected them to his rage, abuse and my being an absentee mom emotionally.

So, something about his raising those childhood horrific memories and his daring to tell me I am a bad mom, made me decide to ACT in a way that shows that I am NOT that person who had to or chose to tolerate abuse anymore.

I'm standing up for myself in the here and now but I think I am also standing up for my childhood self and for girls in their younger years.

For all the times I did NOT stand up when I wish I had, or when I tried to and failed, I am doing so now.

Maybe I should thank (just kidding!!!!) xAH for finally being a big enough d-bag that it catapulted me out of fear and anxiety and into action.
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Old 04-11-2016, 05:40 PM
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wantobehealthy......it is good that you feel empowered, right now.....and I am sure that you have a good level of adrenalin flowing...lol....

Please don't let this detour from the fact that you need to get a therapist who is specialized in abuse for your ongoing support.
You have endured years of abuse and you will need that kind of support to process all of that.....
For the long haul......
Like hopeful4 posted about.....

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Old 04-11-2016, 05:41 PM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
wantobehealthy......it is good that you feel empowered, right now.....and I am sure that you have a good level of adrenalin flowing...lol....

Please don't let this detour from the fact that you need to get a therapist who is specialized in abuse for your ongoing support.
You have endured years of abuse and you will need that kind of support to process all of that.....
For the long haul......
Like hopeful4 posted about.....

dandylion
I haven't forgotten-- I plan to. The therapist the girls see, and who I touch base with each time they see her (alone first) knows the WHOLE story of all these years. So I plan to seek her advice on a referral late this week when I take the kids to their appt with her.

I'm on it-- promise!
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Old 04-11-2016, 05:42 PM
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I just wanted to tell you that I am a lot like you, and I needed to take a stand also.

(((((hugs))))))
amy

Ps: You are doing terrific. I really do admire you.
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Old 04-11-2016, 05:48 PM
  # 88 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by amy55 View Post
I just wanted to tell you that I am a lot like you, and I needed to take a stand also.

(((((hugs))))))
amy

Ps: You are doing terrific. I really do admire you.

Thanks The feeling is mutual!
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Old 04-11-2016, 05:49 PM
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Also remember, last year, I think, I told you that if you ever needed to get away, or whatever, I had room. I was thinking, this winter, I live around the Pocono area, they have snow tubing for you and your girls, well, I would like to have some company this winter, if it is within driving distance. That offer still stands.

(((((hugs))))))
amy
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Old 04-11-2016, 05:55 PM
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Originally Posted by amy55 View Post
Also remember, last year, I think, I told you that if you ever needed to get away, or whatever, I had room. I was thinking, this winter, I live around the Pocono area, they have snow tubing for you and your girls, well, I would like to have some company this winter, if it is within driving distance. That offer still stands.

(((((hugs))))))
amy
you are so sweet! thank you! i lived in philly actually for a handful of years and keep thinking that now that my kids are older, it would be fun to take a road trip back to my old 'hood (quite literally i lived in the ghetto as a volunteer working at/running a homeless shelter for mentally ill/addicted women). the irony is not lost on me that i began my career in that field, then married someone who fit that profile...

so, if i am ever to make my way down to PA i will for sure PM you amy!
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Old 04-11-2016, 06:24 PM
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VERY proud of you!
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Old 04-11-2016, 06:58 PM
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I second lady's post....mic drop. Boom. As I was told by many re my ex and same goes for yours, maybe he needs to get his a$$ kicked to a pulp and spend some time in jail with some real manly men to maybe humble him up a tad. I hope he gets criminally charged.
BUT-you stay safe. Everything that happens will be blamed on you...in his mind. It's not your fault-it's his. But he can't and won't see it that way. Just words of caution....I'm in no way not telling you to push forward-I think you're doing a great thing. Take that stand, friend, and let him hang himself by the noose he's created for himself.
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Old 04-11-2016, 08:00 PM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
I am a little scared of his capacity for doing more than just blustering but I sleep with my phone next to me (carry over from years of his abuse here) and will not hesitate to call 911 if I hear anything odd...
Do you have an alarm on your car? If so, sleep with the key fob next to you when you sleep too. You can set that thing off in seconds & make a heckofalot of noise & wake the neighborhood up.

Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
Why didn't I think of this sooner???? ............ Being afraid EVERY.SINGLE.DAY for years is a lot....
Isn't it incredible how hard it is to think logically in a FOG/PTSD state? You are making big, big strides here recovery-wise WTBH & it is giving you the mental distance/shift of perspective you needed.

This is an AWESOME plan. It's about dang time that the laws in your state started to work FOR your favor.

Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
I think that I was afraid to change the dynamic... at least when he's in touch all the time and being an a$$, I know what to expect... I think I was oddly anxious about what changing that would mean...
I call this a Comfortable Rut, lol.

Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
Even today, all these years later, when I am thinking I have a lot of stuff figured out, it's clear I have a long way to go.
Yeah, I've just stopped expecting to ever BE done. Every. single. time. that I think I have "just a little" something to clean up internally, it ends up taking me down an entirely new roller-coaster ride that I've never even stopped to consider. I once told a friend that it was like opening up a door expecting to see a closet & finding a hallway to an entirely different wing of the house that you never knew existed.... and it's cluttered & needs a very deep cleaning. A few hours work just turned into a huge commitment.

Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
I'm standing up for myself in the here and now but I think I am also standing up for my childhood self and for girls in their younger years.

For all the times I did NOT stand up when I wish I had, or when I tried to and failed, I am doing so now..
YESSSSSSSS!!! You GO, Warrior Woman!!!! (Safely! listen to Lexi & dandy, lol)


Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
Maybe I should thank (just kidding!!!!) xAH for finally being a big enough d-bag that it catapulted me out of fear and anxiety and into action.
Yep, not a bad idea honestly. Now, he won't RECEIVE that thanks/kindness/whatever because he repels it from him, but that's HIS choice, ya know? That doesn't stop YOU from having gratitude & expressing it to the universe. I have said it more than once, if not for RAH's issues, I would likely have never gotten into my ACoA healing.... and THAT was my bigger, deeper issue for sure.

I am SO happy to see these updates, you are making LOTS of lemonade now! Stay safe, stay strong!!!!
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Old 04-11-2016, 10:41 PM
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Your situation is so sickeningly similar to mine. Nearly IDENTICAL, in a scary way. And my heart really goes out to you. Feel free to message me if need be. I was able to get a PO against my ex that included my daughter under the rules of our custody order. Not sure where you live but I could at least tell you how I was able to get that far. Anyways I am here. I know this pain, and it is the WORST. Attacking every insecurity, all the pain and torment you already inflict on yourself-it seems in guilt in some way. And I am the same.
((hugs))
Reach out at any time. YOU ARE DOING GREAT!!
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Old 04-12-2016, 05:47 AM
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bluebird, WTBH knows the ins and outs of orders, etc. The problem is that the rules and practices are different in every jurisdiction. The law where she is makes it more challenging to get an order or file complaints for certain things than in other jurisdictions. It's terrific that you've been able to get one! Make sure he's held accountable for any violations.
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Old 04-12-2016, 07:02 AM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
I think my choice to stand up to xAH right now is about a lot of things
And you couldn't have reached your potential of who you are and the actions you've taken until you went through A, B, and C (and D-Z!) Just look at you! I truly believe there's a reason for everything. You will pay it forward and help so many others as you already have here on SR!
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Old 04-12-2016, 08:46 AM
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I am so proud of you! I want you to know how much stronger you make me feel as well. I have been struggling so much, and to hear someone take charge in an even worse situation than mine, well, it is motivational and gives me courage. So...Thank You!

I think you are just awesome! Many, many tight hugs my friend!
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Old 04-12-2016, 05:52 PM
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You are brave-very brave. Courage is not the absence of fear, it's walking through it (said someone very smart). Just stay safe and don't back down. I second hopefuls post that your courage is helping so many others-myself included-as we travel down this path together. Peace to you!
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