Latest Quack but it's scaring me
Great! Feeling empowered is WONDERFUL. Just don't let it make you careless. You still have to be careful, and as long as you are, you should be just fine. Keep any exchanges you MUST have with him (e.g., concerning the kids) absolutely neutral, no matter how much he tries to provoke. Practice your deadpan look/voice. You're cool but smart and not putting up with nonsense.
That is in one of the early prior orders and it remains in effect in the final order too.
I feel a weight has been lifted. Being afraid EVERY.SINGLE.DAY for years is a lot....
I am sure I will continue to have days I feel afraid, but I feel in control of my own life today and that is a NICE feeling.
I truly am not sure why I didn't just set this boundary ages ago with him.
I think that I was afraid to change the dynamic... at least when he's in touch all the time and being an a$$, I know what to expect... I think I was oddly anxious about what changing that would mean...
Not anymore.
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If it were not for this forum I would likely not be alive today. Literally.
Even today, all these years later, when I am thinking I have a lot of stuff figured out, it's clear I have a long way to go.
I think my choice to stand up to xAH right now is about a lot of things:
I could not stand up for myself as a kid, I was stuck, abused, with no help. I told no one, but people knew. And no one dared help, they feared my mom's retaliation. And they used that as an excuse to turn a blind eye.
And I did not stand up for my own kids during all the years I stayed with xAH. Sure I thought I was being a good mom but I wasn't. I subjected them to his rage, abuse and my being an absentee mom emotionally.
So, something about his raising those childhood horrific memories and his daring to tell me I am a bad mom, made me decide to ACT in a way that shows that I am NOT that person who had to or chose to tolerate abuse anymore.
I'm standing up for myself in the here and now but I think I am also standing up for my childhood self and for girls in their younger years.
For all the times I did NOT stand up when I wish I had, or when I tried to and failed, I am doing so now.
Maybe I should thank (just kidding!!!!) xAH for finally being a big enough d-bag that it catapulted me out of fear and anxiety and into action.
Even today, all these years later, when I am thinking I have a lot of stuff figured out, it's clear I have a long way to go.
I think my choice to stand up to xAH right now is about a lot of things:
I could not stand up for myself as a kid, I was stuck, abused, with no help. I told no one, but people knew. And no one dared help, they feared my mom's retaliation. And they used that as an excuse to turn a blind eye.
And I did not stand up for my own kids during all the years I stayed with xAH. Sure I thought I was being a good mom but I wasn't. I subjected them to his rage, abuse and my being an absentee mom emotionally.
So, something about his raising those childhood horrific memories and his daring to tell me I am a bad mom, made me decide to ACT in a way that shows that I am NOT that person who had to or chose to tolerate abuse anymore.
I'm standing up for myself in the here and now but I think I am also standing up for my childhood self and for girls in their younger years.
For all the times I did NOT stand up when I wish I had, or when I tried to and failed, I am doing so now.
Maybe I should thank (just kidding!!!!) xAH for finally being a big enough d-bag that it catapulted me out of fear and anxiety and into action.
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wantobehealthy......it is good that you feel empowered, right now.....and I am sure that you have a good level of adrenalin flowing...lol....
Please don't let this detour from the fact that you need to get a therapist who is specialized in abuse for your ongoing support.
You have endured years of abuse and you will need that kind of support to process all of that.....
For the long haul......
Like hopeful4 posted about.....
dandylion
Please don't let this detour from the fact that you need to get a therapist who is specialized in abuse for your ongoing support.
You have endured years of abuse and you will need that kind of support to process all of that.....
For the long haul......
Like hopeful4 posted about.....
dandylion
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wantobehealthy......it is good that you feel empowered, right now.....and I am sure that you have a good level of adrenalin flowing...lol....
Please don't let this detour from the fact that you need to get a therapist who is specialized in abuse for your ongoing support.
You have endured years of abuse and you will need that kind of support to process all of that.....
For the long haul......
Like hopeful4 posted about.....
dandylion
Please don't let this detour from the fact that you need to get a therapist who is specialized in abuse for your ongoing support.
You have endured years of abuse and you will need that kind of support to process all of that.....
For the long haul......
Like hopeful4 posted about.....
dandylion
I'm on it-- promise!
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Also remember, last year, I think, I told you that if you ever needed to get away, or whatever, I had room. I was thinking, this winter, I live around the Pocono area, they have snow tubing for you and your girls, well, I would like to have some company this winter, if it is within driving distance. That offer still stands.
(((((hugs))))))
amy
(((((hugs))))))
amy
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Also remember, last year, I think, I told you that if you ever needed to get away, or whatever, I had room. I was thinking, this winter, I live around the Pocono area, they have snow tubing for you and your girls, well, I would like to have some company this winter, if it is within driving distance. That offer still stands.
(((((hugs))))))
amy
(((((hugs))))))
amy
so, if i am ever to make my way down to PA i will for sure PM you amy!
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Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
I second lady's post....mic drop. Boom. As I was told by many re my ex and same goes for yours, maybe he needs to get his a$$ kicked to a pulp and spend some time in jail with some real manly men to maybe humble him up a tad. I hope he gets criminally charged.
BUT-you stay safe. Everything that happens will be blamed on you...in his mind. It's not your fault-it's his. But he can't and won't see it that way. Just words of caution....I'm in no way not telling you to push forward-I think you're doing a great thing. Take that stand, friend, and let him hang himself by the noose he's created for himself.
BUT-you stay safe. Everything that happens will be blamed on you...in his mind. It's not your fault-it's his. But he can't and won't see it that way. Just words of caution....I'm in no way not telling you to push forward-I think you're doing a great thing. Take that stand, friend, and let him hang himself by the noose he's created for himself.
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This is an AWESOME plan. It's about dang time that the laws in your state started to work FOR your favor.

I am SO happy to see these updates, you are making LOTS of lemonade now!



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Posts: 142
Your situation is so sickeningly similar to mine. Nearly IDENTICAL, in a scary way. And my heart really goes out to you. Feel free to message me if need be. I was able to get a PO against my ex that included my daughter under the rules of our custody order. Not sure where you live but I could at least tell you how I was able to get that far. Anyways I am here. I know this pain, and it is the WORST. Attacking every insecurity, all the pain and torment you already inflict on yourself-it seems in guilt in some way. And I am the same.
((hugs))
Reach out at any time. YOU ARE DOING GREAT!!
((hugs))
Reach out at any time. YOU ARE DOING GREAT!!
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bluebird, WTBH knows the ins and outs of orders, etc. The problem is that the rules and practices are different in every jurisdiction. The law where she is makes it more challenging to get an order or file complaints for certain things than in other jurisdictions. It's terrific that you've been able to get one! Make sure he's held accountable for any violations.
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I am so proud of you! I want you to know how much stronger you make me feel as well. I have been struggling so much, and to hear someone take charge in an even worse situation than mine, well, it is motivational and gives me courage. So...Thank You!
I think you are just awesome! Many, many tight hugs my friend!
I think you are just awesome! Many, many tight hugs my friend!
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You are brave-very brave. Courage is not the absence of fear, it's walking through it (said someone very smart). Just stay safe and don't back down. I second hopefuls post that your courage is helping so many others-myself included-as we travel down this path together. Peace to you!
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