Latest Quack but it's scaring me
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Maybe you could connect with an advocate who would be willing to act as the recipient for the emails. They are trained to spot dangerous threats. It's worth a shot--their job is to help keep their clients safe.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
WTBH,
I think you are doing really well, with all the sh!t he is trying to throw at you. You really do have this whole forum behind you. I would use part of that $4000, to do whatever you need to do with your attorney. I would also remember that "indemnification clause" that is in there. He may very well have to pay your attorney fees also.
Do you remember that song, "I won't back down". I used that a lot to help me through things. I'm giving you this song now.
So, he is doing stupid things that will only help your case and not his. Document everything. He doesn't have lawyer, judges or the courts in his pocket, if he did, he would not have given you the $4000.
He is just trying to see how much he can bully you, and he will keep trying to push other buttons if the one he used didn't work. You are stronger now. You will also get stronger. The way through h3ll, is to walk through h3ll, and to come out smiling. I can see this for you in your future. You need to believe this also.
I think I told you that this was not my first forum. I belonged to a verbal abuse forum. I actually became embarrassed to post on that forum. Why? I never though that I was moving fast enough. I felt like a failure on there. I don't like to admit these things about myself. I did stop posting there for a long time, but I always read that forum. It seemed like they were saying things that I really didn't want to hear, but I knew that I had to listen, and I did listen. They were telling me to do things that I didn't want to do, but yet I knew I had to do them.
I think you are doing really good. I think you are a terrific mom.
I know how hard it is sometimes to put our fears to the side, and do things that we wouldn't normally do. I had to do those things. I can see you doing those things now.
You know, for awhile it felt really strange for me to do things that I wouldn't normally do, it did empower me though.
I do see you getting stronger everyday, and it is showing.
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
I think you are doing really well, with all the sh!t he is trying to throw at you. You really do have this whole forum behind you. I would use part of that $4000, to do whatever you need to do with your attorney. I would also remember that "indemnification clause" that is in there. He may very well have to pay your attorney fees also.
Do you remember that song, "I won't back down". I used that a lot to help me through things. I'm giving you this song now.
So, he is doing stupid things that will only help your case and not his. Document everything. He doesn't have lawyer, judges or the courts in his pocket, if he did, he would not have given you the $4000.
He is just trying to see how much he can bully you, and he will keep trying to push other buttons if the one he used didn't work. You are stronger now. You will also get stronger. The way through h3ll, is to walk through h3ll, and to come out smiling. I can see this for you in your future. You need to believe this also.
I think I told you that this was not my first forum. I belonged to a verbal abuse forum. I actually became embarrassed to post on that forum. Why? I never though that I was moving fast enough. I felt like a failure on there. I don't like to admit these things about myself. I did stop posting there for a long time, but I always read that forum. It seemed like they were saying things that I really didn't want to hear, but I knew that I had to listen, and I did listen. They were telling me to do things that I didn't want to do, but yet I knew I had to do them.
I think you are doing really good. I think you are a terrific mom.
I know how hard it is sometimes to put our fears to the side, and do things that we wouldn't normally do. I had to do those things. I can see you doing those things now.
You know, for awhile it felt really strange for me to do things that I wouldn't normally do, it did empower me though.
I do see you getting stronger everyday, and it is showing.
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
WTBH-^ word. I agree. The more he shovels your way, the stronger your resolve (and your court case should it get to that). He is not a very smart person, to put things nicely. You are a superb momma, friend, employee, SR confidant and rock star and I'm blessed to know you....we are all behind you, 100%.....now get into some therapy for this sh*t...it's worth every penny.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Ha!
Just had an idea, emailed my lawyer and got told by her that it's smart and savvy and that I should have stayed in law school (good thinking on my part to drop out to follow xAH, then xBF cross country)...
With her help, drafted this email to xAH. Actually I wrote it, she deleted extraneous stuff and I sent it.
I can not easily go back to court to get the decree re worked to include a communication clause BUT I realized that my state has harassment/stalking laws and I can document my own statement to him outlining the conditions under which he is allowed to contact me and if he violates it, the police can then choose to press criminal harassment charges.
This way, Im not the one pursuing a RO.
Now, given this email, if he texts, emails or calls two or more times, now that I have told him this, explicitly, that violates a state law dealing with harassment.
Now, it is crystal clear under what circumstances I will accept contact with him.
Why didn't I think of this sooner????
I am writing this as a formal, documented, notice to you that effective immediately, I want no further text, email or phone contact from you unless it is related to a pressing safety or health matter concerning the girls during your parenting time. In that case, please text or email me.
The girls have a phone and you have that number. If you wish to make calls to them, as the final decree affords us both the right to do when the girls are with the other parent, do so on that line only.
If there is a pressing health or safety issues that impacts the girls when they are with me, I will notify you of it in email so that you are aware.
Any additional contact from you, excepting an emergency pertaining to the girls when they are with you, after you are in receipt of this email, will result in police involvement.
Just had an idea, emailed my lawyer and got told by her that it's smart and savvy and that I should have stayed in law school (good thinking on my part to drop out to follow xAH, then xBF cross country)...
With her help, drafted this email to xAH. Actually I wrote it, she deleted extraneous stuff and I sent it.
I can not easily go back to court to get the decree re worked to include a communication clause BUT I realized that my state has harassment/stalking laws and I can document my own statement to him outlining the conditions under which he is allowed to contact me and if he violates it, the police can then choose to press criminal harassment charges.
This way, Im not the one pursuing a RO.
Now, given this email, if he texts, emails or calls two or more times, now that I have told him this, explicitly, that violates a state law dealing with harassment.
Now, it is crystal clear under what circumstances I will accept contact with him.
Why didn't I think of this sooner????
I am writing this as a formal, documented, notice to you that effective immediately, I want no further text, email or phone contact from you unless it is related to a pressing safety or health matter concerning the girls during your parenting time. In that case, please text or email me.
The girls have a phone and you have that number. If you wish to make calls to them, as the final decree affords us both the right to do when the girls are with the other parent, do so on that line only.
If there is a pressing health or safety issues that impacts the girls when they are with me, I will notify you of it in email so that you are aware.
Any additional contact from you, excepting an emergency pertaining to the girls when they are with you, after you are in receipt of this email, will result in police involvement.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I like it--but just as with a protective order, it's good only to the extent you're willing to follow through with it. If you don't, he will know only that he "got to you" and that you won't do anything about it, and he will have "won," in his mind.
If you're prepared to follow through, each and every time--even if the police don't do anything the first, or even the second time--then it's a good strategy. His continued emailing of you after receipt of that email would seem to fall squarely within the harassment statute.
Hey, it's never too late to go to law school.
If you're prepared to follow through, each and every time--even if the police don't do anything the first, or even the second time--then it's a good strategy. His continued emailing of you after receipt of that email would seem to fall squarely within the harassment statute.
Hey, it's never too late to go to law school.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I also think that if he keeps it up, there's the potential for a stalking charge down the line. Given the history of physical violence, I think you have a reasonable fear for your personal safety. Stay safe!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
That was so awesome!! Well done!
I just wanted to mention that I was divorced a full year, living 1,000 miles away from XAH that entire time, when I finally made the call to the local DV center. Even when I did, I was apologizing, because I wasn't "really abused", and I was "safe now", and they likely had much worse things to deal with. They took it seriously from the first call and were fantastic. They offered counseling at no charge, said to donate what I could, even if it was nothing. My two boys went as well.
I believe it saved my life.
I just wanted to mention that I was divorced a full year, living 1,000 miles away from XAH that entire time, when I finally made the call to the local DV center. Even when I did, I was apologizing, because I wasn't "really abused", and I was "safe now", and they likely had much worse things to deal with. They took it seriously from the first call and were fantastic. They offered counseling at no charge, said to donate what I could, even if it was nothing. My two boys went as well.
I believe it saved my life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Within 5 minutes he replied. Told me I should follow my own advice and shut the f up.
Police were called.
I just showed the police the email (kids are at sports, I went to station). And the emails of last night too.
They said that if he as much as contacts me again, they will take an official report. Something about it has to happen twice...
I am going to follow through- EVERY time.
I think that THIS is the surest (I hope) way to get the police involved in a way that could result in charges for him.
Pursuing a RO on my own, is a civil matter and not that useful. A criminal charge is what will make an impact.
And given his inability to adhere to rules, hopefully he will end up in jail.
Police were called.
I just showed the police the email (kids are at sports, I went to station). And the emails of last night too.
They said that if he as much as contacts me again, they will take an official report. Something about it has to happen twice...
I am going to follow through- EVERY time.
I think that THIS is the surest (I hope) way to get the police involved in a way that could result in charges for him.
Pursuing a RO on my own, is a civil matter and not that useful. A criminal charge is what will make an impact.
And given his inability to adhere to rules, hopefully he will end up in jail.
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
I like it--but just as with a protective order, it's good only to the extent you're willing to follow through with it. If you don't, he will know only that he "got to you" and that you won't do anything about it, and he will have "won," in his mind.
If you're prepared to follow through, each and every time--even if the police don't do anything the first, or even the second time--then it's a good strategy. His continued emailing of you after receipt of that email would seem to fall squarely within the harassment statute.
Hey, it's never too late to go to law school.
If you're prepared to follow through, each and every time--even if the police don't do anything the first, or even the second time--then it's a good strategy. His continued emailing of you after receipt of that email would seem to fall squarely within the harassment statute.
Hey, it's never too late to go to law school.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by Ariesagain
The only thing I wonder is whether it's better coming from the lawyer copying you...to the extent he's at all impressed by officialdom. Having it come from you is still a reaction, maybe?
I am DONE tolerating his crap.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
WTBH, You did the right thing. You set your limit, and he pushed you more. You followed up on what you said you would do.
You said, "Not this", and you followed up on that.
Kudo's to you.
You're never alone. We are here for you.
(((((((hugs)))))))
amy
You said, "Not this", and you followed up on that.
Kudo's to you.
You're never alone. We are here for you.
(((((((hugs)))))))
amy
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yup, you have to be relentless. That's how I've gotten a lot of these guys. He may lay low for a bit (because he's not so sure about your email), but trust me, he won't be able to resist for long.
Make sure your home is secure. Do you have good locks, etc.?
Make sure your home is secure. Do you have good locks, etc.?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
He has NO idea what he's brought on himself.
I would not have wasted my time going after him over any number of issues he's in contempt for.
But harassing me, slandering me, insulting me, dredging up every awful memory of my past and doing it to bully me bc I dared to hold him to the child support he owes me?
Game on.
He thinks I am weak and afraid. It's who I was for 15 years with him. He has no idea who I am today. And that works to my advantage.
I think the biggest hurdle was making that FIRST step of filing the taxes and taking the deductions I am allowed to and trusting that the world would not end if I stood up to him.
Now, I feel empowered.
Fortunately he is giving me LOTS of opportunities to practice standing up to him! lol!
I would not have wasted my time going after him over any number of issues he's in contempt for.
But harassing me, slandering me, insulting me, dredging up every awful memory of my past and doing it to bully me bc I dared to hold him to the child support he owes me?
Game on.
He thinks I am weak and afraid. It's who I was for 15 years with him. He has no idea who I am today. And that works to my advantage.
I think the biggest hurdle was making that FIRST step of filing the taxes and taking the deductions I am allowed to and trusting that the world would not end if I stood up to him.
Now, I feel empowered.
Fortunately he is giving me LOTS of opportunities to practice standing up to him! lol!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by LexieCat
Yup, you have to be relentless. That's how I've gotten a lot of these guys. He may lay low for a bit (because he's not so sure about your email), but trust me, he won't be able to resist for long.
Make sure your home is secure. Do you have good locks, etc.?
Make sure your home is secure. Do you have good locks, etc.?
So, I hope he won't be around that much per usual...
I am a little scared of his capacity for doing more than just blustering but I sleep with my phone next to me (carry over from years of his abuse here) and will not hesitate to call 911 if I hear anything odd...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Did you ever watch the movie "Network". Famous quote there was "I'm mad as h3ll, and I'm not going to take it anymore".
I also like that quote from Dolores Claybourne that I never get right.
And yea, listen to Lexie about making sure that your locks are changed and that you alerted the police to patrol your area, just in case.
I do think that he is more huff and puff, then actually doing anything, but always worth it to make sure you are secure.
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
I also like that quote from Dolores Claybourne that I never get right.
And yea, listen to Lexie about making sure that your locks are changed and that you alerted the police to patrol your area, just in case.
I do think that he is more huff and puff, then actually doing anything, but always worth it to make sure you are secure.
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Great! Feeling empowered is WONDERFUL. Just don't let it make you careless. You still have to be careful, and as long as you are, you should be just fine. Keep any exchanges you MUST have with him (e.g., concerning the kids) absolutely neutral, no matter how much he tries to provoke. Practice your deadpan look/voice. You're cool but smart and not putting up with nonsense.
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