wanttobehealthy

xAH has been to TWO 9 month long batterers programs- court ordered... He just got the latest pending charge officially dismissed (after showing his completion of the 9 month long class for round #2)...

I swear to God that he has become MORE abusive after these battering classes than he was before if that is even possible.

It's like all the sociopaths in those classes, share tips with one another.

redatlanta

Im really puzzled how someone with his record of arrests ,and abuse, has a job in the school system, much less ANY custody. Shameful.

Lexie has a great point to not focus on him and how he acts rather focus on You and how you respond. His attempt here is so transparent that every person on this Board sees it for what it is. He doesn't want to pay child support. He threatens to take you to Court weekly, his last attempt was dismissed. If it wasn't so pathetic it would he worth a hearty laugh.

Liveitwell

^ I agree. I also think the court ordered battered program just set him up with more ways to abuse you-he learns about an use and does it more. Lovely. WTBH-I need you to understand that this is just what they do. When they are called out or do not do something that they are required to do, they snap and lash out. I've seen it with my ex over and over again. Please get to a counselor and get some more support. Hugs....

hopeful4

Oh sweetie. I am just seeing this and my heart hurts for you. I know the anxiety this has to have caused you.

I second having his crap rolled to someone else for a while. He is an abuser. Everyone knows you are an excellent mom. All single moms are stressed. That does not mean that you are going to become all the negative things you are thinking about your mom.

We are here for you. Keep moving forward. I also agree that you did the right thing w/the taxes. The more you roll over, the more he thinks he can continue to abuse you mentally.

Tight, very tight, hugs to you.

LexieCat

It's highly debatable how effective these programs really are--but it's about the only thing there is to offer in terms of changing the dynamic. Like AA or other alcohol programs, they have basically zero effect on someone who isn't interested in changing. There ARE SOME abusers who learned to be the way they are at home, and don't like the way they are, and really DO want to change. I've seen it happen, though it's relatively rare. I don't think a "round two" of BIP does much good.

firebolt

Reading his emails made my stomach turn. What a sick, sick psychotic shell of a man.

Sending you love and support. I know life is busy and hectic, but I hope you can get ANGRY AS HELL, take ALL of the power back, go on the offense, rally every piece of support you can, and get him far away from you and the kids for good. He does not seem beneficial to any of your lives. What a cancerous human being. SO happy you are mostly away from it all. (((WTBH)))

wanttobehealthy

Me too. It is disgusting and shocking that he teaches still. He is in a state that is different than the one his arrests/publicity around his arrests are from and bc he was not convicted of any of his crimes (bc I chose to agree to the Prosecutor giving him a plea rather than making my 9 yr old testify) I guess he has sweet talked his way around the massive publicity around his child abuse and DV.

It makes my blood BOIL that he has ANY custody. However, my State does not EVER terminate parent rights-- and believes that continued contact with both parents is beneficial.

3 rounds of supervised visits, endless "chances", required participation in battering classes etc.... and he still gets to have 1 day a week to screw with our kids.


I am not reacting in a way that he knows of-- I know logically that he's ridiculous... But emotionally, the crap he has said just hurts... I won't let him know that though.

redatlanta

Is it out of the question to move? He is in another State, correct? He is already not using his parental time with the girls. Perhaps some further space to a State that will be more friendly to the custodial, normal parent, rather than the nutty PITA?

wanttobehealthy

Twice, the STUPID court in my town ordered this as part of his conditions as part of a plea deal... I told the victim advocate that it seemed useless and that his being forced to do it seemed foolish...

All that it did was make him MORE resentful and undoubtedly, bonded to other loser abusers like him in the programs.

He was also ordered to go to AA via the court. Also a joke.

The Prosecutor even told me via the victim advocate that he saw these as inconvenience punishments to xAH and felt that they were useful only in that he had to pay for the battering classes and that maybe holding him accountable to completing the program would at least give me some months of peace....

wanttobehealthy

I could move, yes.

But I have a good job, friends, the girls are established....

But it is an option...

Of course if I moved as opposed to him moving and failing to ever show for parenting, he would undoubtedly ask to have the kids for longer periods over breaks...

My State, via several Supreme Court (state level) cases has established that the State we are in now maintains jurisdiction over the matter of custody, regardless as to where I might move...

I have looked into this extensively...

I would have been wise to go 1 hour south when I filed and done this divorce in another state-- I had NO idea he would fight endlessly over this...

It's clear now and has been for some time that this is all about his control of ME and that this will not end.

wanttobehealthy

Lawyer conversation update...

Nothing illegal about his drunken rants.

I could seek a RO and allege harassment (bc it is) BUT even if it were granted, I would have to then show up for a hearing within 10 days to argue for it to be extended.

That would give xAH what he wants.

An open forum in court to complain about whatever he wanted.

I will continue to print/save his rants and if HE tries to take me to court over anything, this can all be shared.

I am not going to get a court at this time to throw him in jail, suspend parenting or give me the long term peace I want from him, based on his BS emails...

That's the unfortunate reality.

So what is best for me at this time is to ignore him unless I absolutely have to have some sort of contact.

LexieCat

I think you're right. Ignore but continue to document. These guys have a way of eventually digging their own hole.

Refiner

I agree with this. I think it's best to drive him more crazy by NOT responding at all. Water off a duck's back, baby! You are TEFLON!

dandylion

WTBH......agreed. No responding if GOOD.

Now----what about finding someone to screen all of his e-mail correspondence to you. You have agreed, (to us), that this would be the most humane thing for YOU.
Also, how about your search for a therapist for yourself that is trained in abuse?
These are things that you CAN do for yourself that will pay off, in spades, to your sense of peace....and, the feeling of getting some control back in your life.....

dandylion

wanttobehealthy

What's "funny" is that he undoubtedly thinks this sort of reaction from him will make me LESS inclined to hold his feet to the fire with compliance with court orders...

The reality is that I am so pissed off and fed up with his juvenile, abusive BS, that ANY semblance of "maybe I'll lay low to keep the peace" is long gone.

He will be held 100% accountable always now.

He never seemed to learn that you get further being decent vs being an a$$.

And this epic a$$ like behavior is 100% the LAST straw.

wanttobehealthy

I need to do both.

I've been thinking about who I can ask to screen the emails... and I'm not sure who that might be. My family is too close to the situation and would reply to him.

My former best friend would have been a great one to do this-- but she hates me because I stopped enabling her enabling of her alcoholic abuser boyfriend.

So, I'm at a loss.

In the interim I made a ***** folder titled "Loser Rants" and have decided I will add ANYTHING he sends to that so that I at least don't have to see it in my inbox.

And I need to find a therapist-- yes.

I take the kids to their therapist on Sat. I was thinking I would ask her for a recommendation then.

FireSprite

I agree with you WTBH, and you're right to continue ignoring & documenting.

To flip this around & look for the good in it - he sure is showing you a lot about your triggers & inner demons, isn't he? You're stuck dealing with him insofar as the girls are concerned for years to come & you already know that he isn't going to stop this abusive kind of tirade at you any time soon - so you could turn this into a kind of "making lemonade out of lemons being thrown at you" type of situation. Every time he triggers you and you identify/work through/heal something, you get another baby-step closer to your new normal & it'll get easier & easier to hear his "quacking" for what it is.

He won't grow as a result of all of this, but YOU can.

And you are a GREAT mom, don't ever doubt that.

hopeful4

I am sort of in a bind with therapy. In light of some things that recently happened, I realize that my XAH and his wife give me actual panic attacks. I just had one on Saturday, and it was severe.

My issue is financial in that I cannot really afford it at this point. So, I have reached out to a local DV shelter. They told me that they will have a counselor call me and I can meet w/her and see if it would be a fit. Even though I am divorced, I have never gotten past the trauma of all that has happened, and I think I need help to do so. Hoping these people can help me as I have taken a step back and need help.

My friend, you have went through so much and continue to do so. I don't know about you, but the actual fear and anxiety of knowing the texts and rants are coming have some serious affects on my mind and life right now. I am going to get help for this, and I hope you do too!

In the mean time, your plan sounds like a solid one. Document and ignore.

Many, many hugs to you.

wanttobehealthy

This part in bold is SO right! In a bizarro world f'ed up way, he's provided me the opportunity to look at parts of myself I would otherwise not.

So, since I know that he intends to keep up this charade, I can deal with my triggers and be better equipped to cope.

I have found that speaking to others about the allegations he makes, lessens their power over me.

For YEARS I would hear the horrible stuff he said, and believe that if I repeated it, it meant that it was true-- so he would insult me to anyone and everyone around town and I never said anything.

Just last week he sent an email to the coaches of our kids sports team making all kinds of slanderous allegations about me.

The coaches replied stating they did not want to be in the middle of a "domestic dispute" and that we both needed to understand that no disruptions would be allowed at the kids events.

My reply? I attached the court order to the email and cc'd xAH as well as the coaches and stated that my intention was to adhere to the court order around the kids safety and that I did not anticipate any issues with the kids being released to xAH per the court order (the breathalyzer pieces)

The loser fails to realize that his attempts at slandering me will NOT work anymore and that I will reply, emotionless, with facts that relate to our kids.

His rant last night is undoubtedly retaliation for his slandering blowing up in his face.

dandylion

WTBH.....I think that hopeful4 has made an excellent move! I am thinking that the same thing might be just the thing for you to consider, too.....
You know...the DV folks see this sort of thing all the time.....and the crazy triggering e-mails!
His e-mails are abusive and they trigger your ptsd, I believe.
I DO hope that you will consider this so urce of help and validation for yourself, also....

dandylion