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Latest Quack but it's scaring me

Old 04-10-2016, 03:53 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
WRBH.....ask your lawyer who would be the best person to screen all of the e-mails.
Try the writing exercises.....and write---"I am not my mother"....write it over and over....
Your children are with a therapist--good...make sure that she sees the latest e-mail...

How about your therapy and support? Anyone who is going through what y ou are going through needs loads of support....
You are powerfully affected by abuse from your past...from your caregivers and, currently, from your ex......
You need help and compassionate support to get through this...for the sake of yourself and for the sake of your kids, too.....

dandylion
I do not have a therapist at this time... I clearly need one... I also need to find time in the week to see a therapist if I even could find one...

But I think that needs to happen, soon, this week.
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Old 04-10-2016, 03:56 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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I finally figured out who he reminds me of...he's Hannibal Lector without the dietary issues and with less initiative. I just keep thinking how he tried to mess with Jody Foster's head in Silence of the Lambs by intuiting her vulnerable points...it's very similar.

He is WRONG about EVERYTHING because he is insane. Period.

I hope you find a way to remove him from your life.

Sending you strength and hugs.
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Old 04-10-2016, 03:59 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain View Post
I finally figured out who he reminds me of...he's Hannibal Lector without the dietary issues and with less initiative. I just keep thinking how he tried to mess with Jody Foster's head in Silence of the Lambs by intuiting her vulnerable points...it's very similar.

He is WRONG about EVERYTHING because he is insane. Period.
He is as psycho as Hannibal Lector... But not as bright, way less initiative and more sociopathic (which is insane to say but I think is true)

I hope you find a way to remove him from your life.

Sending you strength and hugs.
Me too. More than you know...
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Old 04-10-2016, 04:04 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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He is a very sick....person. Document everything he sends you. Let your lawyer know he is harassing you.

Stand your ground!
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Old 04-10-2016, 04:27 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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wantobehealthy......for starters, I suggest that you start with the local domestic violence organization and ask them to help you find one....
You might also ask your daughters' therapist to find one that is trained in this area, also.....
This would be a great thing to do for yourself!
You will have to make the time...whatever it takes...because it is life-saving for you....
You must be so exhausted and you must be so over-extended.....working 60 hours a week and parenting alone is just too much for any mortal human!

dandylion
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Old 04-10-2016, 04:54 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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W,
He did exactly what he was hoping to do to you, put you in a tizzy. But this time, you didn't reach out going crazy on him. You are not the abusive mom he says. You ignored his drunk rant, that's all it was. What time was the email sent? Later in the evening when he had polished off a few and hopefully the kids were in bed.

Honey, you are doing fine. Kids complain about each parent when they have to do things they don't want too, I'm sorry, it is part of life.

You did what was right, you took it personally but you reached out to us to see if "we" felt there was any justification of what he said. We all called him "crazy", then you can move on to the next life threatening email.

QUACK QUACK QUACK!!!

Hugs my friend, keep after them doing their homework so you can move in with them when they make the big bucks!!
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Old 04-10-2016, 05:03 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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I could feel my guts churning just reading those emails, I can only imagine how awful it must be for you. Perhaps the worst part is how it is wrapped up in a faux-concern for your welfare (I have been following your story for some time, and as everyone who has read your backstory knows, concern for your welfare is the last thing on his mind). I'm guessing, based on these correspondences, that he is also documenting his actions and hoping that you will react so he can add that to his arsenal.

You are doing so well! Honestly! I wish there was some way to give you an extra hour or two a week so you could take care of you :-(

I can only say the same as others - if you can have your emails rerouted to someone to filter them for you (can a lawyer do this? No, I guess that would cost a bunch :-( ), and just make sure there's a hard copy somewhere of all this bullsh*t

Take care
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Old 04-10-2016, 05:15 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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thank you all for listening and for the comfort...

i do fear i could, at any moment, become my mom...

she was hospitalized a LOT when i was a kid-- she was not mentally healthy and she suffers from mental illness...

so, it's an easy target for xAH... he doesn't have to try too hard to draw parallels, however, baseless.

and he knows it's my fear and my worry and it works.

i don't reply, i don't let him know he's upset me but he knows it does...
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Old 04-10-2016, 05:28 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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I hear him volleying between pushing allllll of your buttons (like it's his JOB to rile you up) and vomiting up a bunch of projection to mix in with it.

You've already gotten excellent advice, just lending more (((((hugs))))) & support!
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Old 04-10-2016, 05:33 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
My DEEPEST fear is that I WILL be my mom-- that I might have that genetic disposition-- I am hyper conscious of my reactions to things with my kids all the time and have had a hard time setting firm limits with them because xAH claims I "abuse" them (even when we were married) if I would say no...

So, he of course is playing on what he KNOWS my deepest fears are...

DD10 definitely tries to play good cop/bad cop and undoubtedly complains about me to her dad... In fact she has hinted at the fact that he's a lot nicer to her when she tells him "bad" things about me...

So he's made his affection for her contingent on her complaining about me?!?!?! Insane right?

I need to not read his emails anymore-- that's for sure...

I know, logically, that he's drunk and being insane... I know all of that...

But reading those things-- my deepest, darkest, most vulnerable times, and having him tell me I will do all of that to my own kids, is almost too much to handle...

He's SO unstable and his lines about MY needing inpatient care are clearly a massive projection...
I really really empathize with you here. Abusers tend to put blame in the MOST ridiculous way on others in order to make themselves look better, which logically makes no sense, none of this is logical. Not only that but he his manipulating and hitting you where it hurts the MOST. Your children who you love dearly and are trying to hard to protect. Agreed with above. Document. Your daughters seem old enough to testify that you are not abusing them. I understand how sickening this must be for you, and man do I see so many similarities between our exes. My heart is with you here. Even t hough you know these are crazy rantings of an alcoholic it doesnt make it sting any less. Keep doing what you know is right and try to have faith that the truth with prevail. I am so so sorry you are going through this. (I should really take my own advice). Sending all the love and support. Message me anytime.
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Old 04-10-2016, 06:10 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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WTBH-I've so been where you are. And just was again last week. These guys are psychotic-literally. Same goes for you and me-at least now I'm not the only person that sees it or has witnessed it. Keep documenting and please talk with your attorney. What he's doing is off the charts nuts/I've been on the receiving end and it's horrifying when you are the sole caretaker of your kids. Please keep your head up and keep faith-and keep safe-he seems to be escalating.

Love you, friend.
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Old 04-10-2016, 06:39 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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wtbh.....you are NOT your mother...and, you will never be your mother! That is a fact that you can repeat over and over to yourself. It will set up a new circuit--a new pathway in your brain....
I hear your fear...but, remember that a fear is a feeling..but, not a fact....

You are stronger than y ou think...
And, I am so glad that you have not responded to him on this. Good move!
Don't let him see you swear (You know the drill by now...lol).....
His reward is to get a reaction out of you....good for y ou not to give it to him!

dandylion
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Old 04-10-2016, 07:21 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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Stop looking for "reasons" he can accuse you of abuse. The REASON is because he CAN. It isn't that you're falling short somehow and he's taking advantage of it--he just knows where your vulnerabilities--your sore spots--are.

This is the same stuff he did when you were together--only back then, he could physically terrorize you. You inconveniently aren't there for him to intimidate physically anymore, but this is the verbal equivalent.

Remember, this is EXACTLY the effect he's hoping this will have on you. Don't give him what he wants. It's understandable that you have the reaction, but don't let him see it, and do what you can to protect yourself. Enlist all the support you can get.

And I can see you're already thinking you made a mistake by insisting on the tax allowance (which resulted in the check), but you didn't. This stuff isn't easy, but you did the right thing. The only way to make him give up is for him to see that it isn't paying off for him.
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Old 04-10-2016, 07:42 PM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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WTBH,
More hugs to you. Clearly his messages are meant to wound, and you are handling this BRILLIANTLY by not responding and also by coming to SR for support and exposing his nonsense for what it is.

One other thought - much of what he says seems to me classic, unconscious projection (accusing you of his own misdeeds): HE is the one who is "unstable", HE is the one who "needs serious and long-term help," HE is "abusing" his daughter, etc. Could that perspective possibly take some of the sting out of this attack? The idea that his unconscious is trying to process his own darkness but can only do it in this twisted way... In other words, as many have said before, it's not you, it's him...
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Old 04-10-2016, 07:46 PM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Astolfo View Post
One other thought - much of what he says seems to me classic, unconscious projection (accusing you of his own misdeeds): HE is the one who is "unstable", HE is the one who "needs serious and long-term help," HE is "abusing" his daughter, etc. Could that perspective possibly take some of the sting out of this attack? The idea that his unconscious is trying to process his own darkness but can only do it in this twisted way...
If he were only a messed-up drunk, that might have some validity, but this guy is a hard-core batterer. Every move he makes is calculated to wound and control. That's what this kind of guy DOES.
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Old 04-10-2016, 07:57 PM
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^ Lexie, thank you for pointing that out. This guy isn't "just a drunk". He's a narcissistic abuser. This is who he truly is-drunk or not-this IS HIM.
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Old 04-10-2016, 09:09 PM
  # 37 (permalink)  
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What a miserable little *****.

Look, this is abuse, what he is doing to you. Plain and simple. What a bunch of despicable mind games. Sickening, just sickening.

He got under your skin. That was his goal. He knew you would read this. He knew it would upset you.

Talk to your lawyer about this. Someone absolutely should screen the emails for you.

What a monster.
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Old 04-10-2016, 09:23 PM
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You know, during our last big fight, and that was the last weekend of April 2015, my ex told me I was a b****, just like my mom. Of course it made me cry, and he said, "But you said yourself she was a b***!"

Is that the lowest low they can hit?

But you know what? That was the very last drop. That Monday, I was calling local DV office, and I pushed really hard to move out as soon as possible, and got a place in two weeks.

The insults can paralyze you, very true, but if they hit the right button, they can motivate you and you can literally move the mountains.

And I think this guy is playing with fire.
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Old 04-11-2016, 03:57 AM
  # 39 (permalink)  
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Oh please. If this is the best he can come up with to try and get out of paying child support (which is exactly what this is all about) he needs some help coming up with a new playbook This is textbook deadbeat dad sh!t. "I'm coming after custody!!!! I'll take the kids from you!! You are unfit!!!". . As much as you have grown, there are still fragments of buttons that he can push.

He asserts ridiculous, unprovable, non existent accusations. He writes like he is 14 years old. Perhaps at some time before or after you had children, or after,
you may have confided in him that you worried you would be like your parents. That is a normal thought process!!! I have a feeling he remembers everything you have ever told him about your fears about anything.

As for who you are or who you will be at this point that should be clear to you. My husband was kicked out of his house just like you were nearly verbatim at 16. My mother was struck with Acute paranoia and thought my dad was trying to kill her when I was 22. We have both discussed these issues - My husband uses it as a means to better himself to not be like his parents in that regard, for me I am conscience that I may have DNA that lends itself to mental illness, and am very on it about stress management and hormonal fluctuations during peri menopause. I don't worry about it nor does he. You've addressed these issues with yourself, you AREN"T your parents. Now move along off that thought process.

Forward these to your attorney. I agree you should go back to Court and move to restrict communication. I think your Ex needs a psyche evaluation. I think he is dumber than dirt. When I was reading what he wrote aside from the many eye rolls, I just kept thinking he is so stupid! What an idiot!
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Old 04-11-2016, 06:19 AM
  # 40 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by redatlanta View Post
I have a feeling he remembers everything you have ever told him about your fears about anything.
Yup, this is what guys like this do. If you've ever read any of Lundy Bancroft's writing about what goes on in Batterer's Intervention Programs, the participants talk about stuff like this.

When I train on the topic of witness intimidation, I point out the great advantage that batterers have over ordinary criminals. They don't have to make heavy-handed threats, because they are able to make subtle ones. They know where all the vulnerabilities are--their victim's deepest fears--and they very effectively exploit them. When you SEE that that's the game plan, it helps to reduce the level of fear. It's a tactic, that's all. YOU have the power to defuse it by recognizing it for the tactic that it is.
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