jenniferlynne76

Hi everyone,
I hope you're having, or had, a nice weekend (depending where in the world you are). I wanted to check in since the last you'd all heard from me I was waiting to see if I would be seeing ABF this weekend (by his choice or mine and how it would all play out).

First, I'll start by telling you that he did come over on Friday after work and stayed until this (Sunday) morning when he headed out for work. We got a bit of an unexpected snowstorm so we stayed in the whole time we were together and it was all just, well, interesting.

When he got here on Friday he seemed excited to see me and the kitties, asked us how our days were, etc. And then we set about making dinner, showering and changing into pjs and relaxing with a movie. Honestly, it was a decently nice time. He was respectful of my space (and did things they way I'd asked him to in the past, was kind to the cats and to me, etc.). He was a little bit quiet, but it did give me a chance to REALLY think about how what he was doing made me feel and whether I felt like I could say what I was thinking/how I was feeling, etc. (Answer: not really. And I wondered how much of this was manipulation to be used in the future...)

Saturday was much of the same. Snowed in, we spent the day watching movies, made dinner, he was helpful, etc. but he seemed disconnected. And honestly did say much at all.

The BIGGEST difference between this weekend and any time previously that I can think of? I was KEENLY aware of my thoughts and feelings, and I didn't keep asking him "are you okay?" and trying to figure out what was going on with him. It was about ME and how I was feeling, which included the honest lack of joy being around he brings me. Honestly, even though he didn't do anything "wrong," being with his was BORING! (And truly, when he's not drinking, he's a very sad/depressed person. I sometimes forget this until I have moments like this weekend, when I experience it again -- because so often he's drunk and we're on that side of the hump.)

I had a rough moment yesterday when my XH's niece got her driving permit and I realized: just because he and I aren't together any more, that doesn't mean I can't reach out to her to tell her how proud I am of her; how happy I am for her and how much I miss her and would like to see her. So I sent her a text. She quickly responded saying how much she missed me and the kitties too and we talked about trying to find a night for her to come and stay with me. I cried tears of joy and relief. I was pleased to know the ridiculous thoughts in my head about her not wanting to be around me (we've always been very close) were just part of my made-up codie behavior and I was SO happy to hear from her.

When I went into the living room after that happened, I was still still sniffling a bit and ABF asked immediately what was wrong. So I shared, leaving out any unnecessary details, and he just looked at me like I had two heads. I just made a note about how that made me feel (his reaction) and remembered I was only responsible for me and MY reaction to things.

Many times this weekend I reminded myself to just let stuff go. That I couldn't control anything other than my own behavior/reactions to things. It helped a lot. Even last night when ABF slept like crap (48 hours with no alcohol, so he was dealing with interrupted sleep patterns, restless leg issues, etc.). And I didn't ask about it. I just let it go... I know why he has the issues he does... But I didn't cause them and I can't fix them.

I didn't promise him any time this coming week, either, which is a first for me. And I'm starting to become more comfortable telling him that I need more time and space for me. I find myself looking forward to therapy, to coming here, and to reading all of the wonderful resources I've found and am learning to work.

When he left this morning around 7:30 a.m. I got a jump start on cleaning my house, then ran to the store to get the kitties some food and did a little grocery shopping for me. I got myself a Starbucks drink as a treat so I could sip it while doing my finances and coming here to check in with you all. I feel happy/content.

No, I wasn't ready to call things off with ABF this weekend. But I'm seeing and experiencing things differently, and I'm proud of how many codie things I caught myself thinking and was able to self-correct. I *am* detaching and I am more aware...and that's a start. And you are all a part of my success this week. So THANK YOU! I look forward to experiencing an even healthier week ahead.

Liveitwell

Refiner

It's so refreshing to become so much more aware and getting in better control of our feelings and thoughts, isn't it!? Just think how uncomfortable he probably felt LOL!!

jenniferlynne76

Yes! I feel like I made so much progress just by stopping and thinking, "Okay, how does this make me feel? And does it warrant a response or just an observation, etc.?" Im thinking he had to have been super uncomfortable. I'm not sure he knew what to do without me making everything about him! LOL

dandylion

Jennifer.....I don't think it is necessary for you to say anything......
Just observing and knowing is enough.....
This is a part of detaching......

***Just for the record....I think that when that moment comes when you can look at them and see that fairy dust doesn't fall off of them and they don't have a halo over their head....that they don't exist on a level that separates them from all other mortal men.....that a heavenly chorus doesn't sing every time they take a s.......... That is when the filter of infatuation, that we have been seeing them through, begins to shift.....and everything else begins to look different......
Gosh....I remember that happening, so well! And, you know what---you cannot ever put it back, again......lol.....

dandylion

jenniferlynne76

I was surprised...but it was!


YES! In the immortal words of BB King, I do believe "The Thrill is Gone!" LOL

dandylion

Yes......I was thinking about that same song!!!!!!!!!

dandylion

honeypig

Here's the man himself! Let's see what he and Lucille have to say on this topic:



(Man, this is exciting--I just learned how to post a video here--only took me 3 years!!)

dandylion

Honeypig......Thanks! This made my day......

"Now, maybe we can expect a lot more videos from honeypig".....said Dandylion, greedily.....

dandylion

maia1234

JL,
It's interesting..... you are changing and he doesn't know what to do. That means you are working a program!!! He couldn't start a fight, take off get drunk and blame you for being such a biatch!! haha

I'm glad you had a good weekend. I am sure ABF would not really say the same. Hugs my friend, keep posting and reading and you will learn a ton.

jenniferlynne76

This is awesome! Way to go honeypig!

jenniferlynne76

Thank you maia!
And he really doesn't know what to do.

Case in point: he just called me on his way home from work (which is normal). First part of the conversation consisted of him walking out to his car and freaking out because it wasn't where he parked it. I was like "what do you mean it's not where you parked it? Are you sure you parked in your normal spot or didn't run out for lunch and park it some place else?" He was freaking out. Said something about how he thought maybe I moved it on him as a joke. First of all, that wouldn't be a very funny joke, and certainly not one I would ever play on anyone, but, secondly, I no longer have a key to his car. Last weekend when we had the blow out and I ended up back over at his place, I slipped his extra car key back into the drawer where he keeps his car keys, wallet, garage door opener, etc. I decided I didn't want to be responsible for having it any longer. But I digress. I calmly said to him, "Well, if someone has taken your car, you'd better get inside and call security." And I let him go.

Minutes later he called me back to say he felt like an idiot. We'd had a brief bout of snow earlier and he'd taken a 10 minute break to move his car from the surface lot to the garage. He realized this after he started giving the details to the security guard. Oy. I wish I could say I was surprised...

So I continued chatting with him until he got home (about 15 minutes) and asked if he was planning to call his folks, since we'd talked about it yesterday. He said yes and that he should probably let me go for a minute to do that. I saw an opportunity and took it. I said, "You know what? That's actually perfect. I need to be in bed in an hour and half any way. I have some laundry to fold and then I have some more reading to do for my therapy session. By then I'll want to watch a bit of TV and go to sleep." He says, "When is that session? Today or tomorrow?" Um it's currently 7:30pm on a Sunday night, but whatever. I told him it was tomorrow. Now, I know that pissed him off. It used to be that Monday nights we'd have dinner together because they're his days off so we'd get more time together than usual (since he normally doesn't get off of work until 7pm). He didn't ask what time my session was, mind you, and I didn't offer the information. But come on: I just spent 36+ hours straight with you! I need some freaking time to myself. (And the chances of him being able to get through thr entire day tomorrow until dinner without drinking? Let's be real here... It's why we didn't have dinner together last Monday!) So anyway, I said, "I'll just give you a call in the morning...but I won't call too early because I know it's your day off." His response? "Don't call me. I'll call you." Passive aggressive much?! (I'm expecting this will get worse instead of better as time goes on, btw and he sees I'm serious about therapy, the work I'm committed to doing and the time I need for me/how it's going to take time away from him...) As hard as it was to shut down my overactive codie brain and not back off, I just laughed and said, "Don't call us, we'll call you, eh? Okay, that's cool." And it was HARD. It was hard for me to let that go...but he's basically giving me a gift, isn't he? I've been saying how hard it is for me to NOT make that call to him in the mornings. Now, he's asked me not to call him. So if I honor his wishes (and I can keep my codie tendencies at bay...) That call likely will NOT happen at all tomorrow. Why am I reminded of the saying "he who speaks first loses?" And you know what? This *is* hard. Despite the great progress I made this weekend, not falling right back into his trap and sticking up for myself; saying I'm done talking to you for the night; accepting that he doesn't want me to call in the morning (and will probably hold it against me that I chose therapy tomorrow after work over him)...it's gonna sting, isn't it?! Yep. It's stinging. And it's taking every fiber of my being not to give in and say "let's do dinner after therapy..." 😁

Someone keep reminding me: this is what has to be done... This is what has to be done... It hurts. But it's the right thing...and this is what has to be done.

maia1234

JL,
If I can make another suggestion.... he is a grown man, you don't need to "remind" him of things he needs to do. This is the codie/enabler (helper) in us. Treat him with respect and let the ball bounce where it should. I know this is hard as we remind them so they are better people. Part of our recovery is minding our own business, and taking care of only you. I learned this one on year 33 of my relationship with AXH. (slow learner)

Hugs my friend, keep marching on.... YOU ARE AWESOME!!

jenniferlynne76

Thank you, Maia!

I know you are right. There are some hard lessons for me to learn as I approach the future, I'm sure of it. And this is definitely one. (I think one of the other reasons it's hard for me right now is because I'm running out of things to talk to him about! That says something, doesn't it?!)

And no sooner than I had typed that last message to the group, my text message notification went off. Guess who? Sending me links to songs on iTunes: a sure sign that the alcohol has hit his system. (I didn't respond...)

And as I was just typing the above paragraph another one came through... This time a photo of him and his dad when he was a kid. (He tends to go through old family photos when he gets drunk and send me pictures of them...) I didn't respond to that one either.

Time to put the phone on do not disturb until the morning... *shakes head*

dandylion

jenifer....This has to be done!
You are doing good. It will get easier.....

An even more off-putting one is----"Have your people call my people"......

dandylion

jenniferlynne76

Ha! I think I needed that laugh this morning dandylion.

I really do find that I'm growing weary of this "game." And I think what frightened me last night was the realization that it's likely to become more difficult before it gets easier. (Both for me personally and in terms of how he is going to handle things/the paces I may be put through...)

dandylion

Jennifer....here is where "one day at a time" comes to mind.
RESIST overthinking it.....resist future-tripping....
Stay, mindfully, in the PRESENT....

dandylion

Refiner

Wow as soon as I read he said don't call, I knew he'd be starting to slam the drinks Sunday night (after not drinking those 36 hours then working and having the day off on Monday). So boringly predictable huh!

jenniferlynne76

Thank you for that, dandylion.

I REALLY need to be reminded of that this morning. Because that's exactly what I was starting to do: overthink about something that hasn't even happened (and may not ever). You're 100% right. I need to stay mindful in the here and now.

Thanks again, my friend.

jenniferlynne76

Yes, Refiner. Sadly so. I knew he'd be slamming his vodka last night. And more sad still? I can't figure out why he'd even ask about dinner tonight? He's never made it through a full day off without drinking before I get off work. <insert 1,001 excuse for that here> As you said, SO boringly predictable.