English Garden's Post, re-posted
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
English Garden's Post, re-posted
I was going thru some saved materials from SR, and I came across this. It was originally posted by a member called English Garden. I wanted to re-post for all those who are beating themselves up, going "how could he...?"
When I needed backbone to deal with a self-centered, ruthless, grandiose, lying alcoholic whose treatment of me shattered me to my core, I read--over and over--two books:
Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drews
The Addictive Personality by Craig Nakken
My opinion is that alcohol alone is at the core of your marriage problem, and when you fully understand what that means, what alcoholism does to a marriage which once was happy, then you will see your AH in a completely new light. You will see him as a drunk who hurts people. You will not be so shattered by what he does or says.
It is when we look at the man with the same eyes we had years ago, the same spinning heart we had years ago, believing he must surely be the same man we were so in love with, that we are most at risk of being destroyed when the alcoholic leaves us. What is happening is unimaginable to us, because for us, our hearts have not changed, and he looks the same.
But he is not the same. Alcoholism corrupts a man's heart, it turns his heart small, hard and cold, because the part of his organic brain which regulates empathy, compassion, devotion, morality....is dead. It is dead because addiction is a disease of the brain, and it deadens the sensitive and loving and spiritual part of a human brain: the frontal cortex, the higher brain. The alcoholic loses his best self. The one you loved. His new self is a predator.
The disease operates from the lower part of the brain, which is most primitive, most animal-like, most ruthless and predatory. And this brain is what controls your husband today. The brain of addiction. If you keep begging him to be the man he once was, if you keep pleading with him to love you as he once did, your entreaties will be futile.
He is self-seeking, in all things, and as many here have shared with you, he is unavailable. This has been building, you did not know, because the disease grows silently and stealthily over time, and while you were having birthdays and Christmases and loving warm nights in bed with him, the disease in him was progressing and his brain was being altered. The darkness of addiction is chilling in its quiet violence to the alcoholic and to his innocent wife.
When you understand addiction, you will finally believe what those here know: that he is not lost, he is consumed. And that everything in his life is a lie.
You are the strong one. He is weak, dependent, and has lost all capacity to direct his destiny. You are the strong one. He will try desperately to convince you he is powerful and in control, and he may make you feel weak and out of control. But you are neither. You are the strong one.
Do not enable him. Do not minimize his neglect of you, of his children, of his commitments. Do not minimize his emotional flirtations with old girlfriends. Do not allow him to swing by and hang with the children whenever he feels like it and crash on a child's bed as you watch, heart split open.
Do not believe anything he tells you. And expect the worst of him. You are full of love but you are going to have to suit up for war. Because this is alcoholism. And it destroys.
Make that Sunday meeting, get a counselor for you and for the children, get a lawyer.
There is a new brain in your family and it is more cunning, baffling, and powerful than you can imagine.
You will survive and deepen and you will be all right, no matter what.
And there is always hope. There is a world full of recovery. There is always hope.
But it is best to hope in safe place, with a clear head, and support.
When I needed backbone to deal with a self-centered, ruthless, grandiose, lying alcoholic whose treatment of me shattered me to my core, I read--over and over--two books:
Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drews
The Addictive Personality by Craig Nakken
My opinion is that alcohol alone is at the core of your marriage problem, and when you fully understand what that means, what alcoholism does to a marriage which once was happy, then you will see your AH in a completely new light. You will see him as a drunk who hurts people. You will not be so shattered by what he does or says.
It is when we look at the man with the same eyes we had years ago, the same spinning heart we had years ago, believing he must surely be the same man we were so in love with, that we are most at risk of being destroyed when the alcoholic leaves us. What is happening is unimaginable to us, because for us, our hearts have not changed, and he looks the same.
But he is not the same. Alcoholism corrupts a man's heart, it turns his heart small, hard and cold, because the part of his organic brain which regulates empathy, compassion, devotion, morality....is dead. It is dead because addiction is a disease of the brain, and it deadens the sensitive and loving and spiritual part of a human brain: the frontal cortex, the higher brain. The alcoholic loses his best self. The one you loved. His new self is a predator.
The disease operates from the lower part of the brain, which is most primitive, most animal-like, most ruthless and predatory. And this brain is what controls your husband today. The brain of addiction. If you keep begging him to be the man he once was, if you keep pleading with him to love you as he once did, your entreaties will be futile.
He is self-seeking, in all things, and as many here have shared with you, he is unavailable. This has been building, you did not know, because the disease grows silently and stealthily over time, and while you were having birthdays and Christmases and loving warm nights in bed with him, the disease in him was progressing and his brain was being altered. The darkness of addiction is chilling in its quiet violence to the alcoholic and to his innocent wife.
When you understand addiction, you will finally believe what those here know: that he is not lost, he is consumed. And that everything in his life is a lie.
You are the strong one. He is weak, dependent, and has lost all capacity to direct his destiny. You are the strong one. He will try desperately to convince you he is powerful and in control, and he may make you feel weak and out of control. But you are neither. You are the strong one.
Do not enable him. Do not minimize his neglect of you, of his children, of his commitments. Do not minimize his emotional flirtations with old girlfriends. Do not allow him to swing by and hang with the children whenever he feels like it and crash on a child's bed as you watch, heart split open.
Do not believe anything he tells you. And expect the worst of him. You are full of love but you are going to have to suit up for war. Because this is alcoholism. And it destroys.
Make that Sunday meeting, get a counselor for you and for the children, get a lawyer.
There is a new brain in your family and it is more cunning, baffling, and powerful than you can imagine.
You will survive and deepen and you will be all right, no matter what.
And there is always hope. There is a world full of recovery. There is always hope.
But it is best to hope in safe place, with a clear head, and support.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
I can relate to the feeling of wasted time, MsGreenJeans, but still, better to read it now than 3 years from now, right??
What is said in that quote is not easy to hear or to believe. Who knows, back then you may not have been ready to really understand what was being said, or ready to take action...
Like the Alanon saying goes, "when we know better, we do better."
What is said in that quote is not easy to hear or to believe. Who knows, back then you may not have been ready to really understand what was being said, or ready to take action...
Like the Alanon saying goes, "when we know better, we do better."
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: London
Posts: 43
Amazing. I remember reading this in the stickys when I first came to SR a broken wreck and feeling like those words alone lifted a tremendous weight from me. Nothing short of an epiphany occurred and so many things that had confounded me immediately made sense.
I have often connected with EG's posts they seem to be so wise but also compassionate. On many occasions I have read old posts on the forum and felt so relived or educated by them and then looked back to see it was EG.
I have often connected with EG's posts they seem to be so wise but also compassionate. On many occasions I have read old posts on the forum and felt so relived or educated by them and then looked back to see it was EG.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
