Liveitwell

Hopeful-that sounds like a plan have a very happy (and uneventful) weekemd!

hopeful4

Thank you! I hope it is super happy and super uneventful! There is never a time that I want to be bored as much as when my child is at her dads!

Ariesagain

I'm glad you've made a decision and FWIW, given everything your DD has been through with your ex and how flaky he might be this weekend, better maybe to be overly cautious?

You're a great mom.

unsureoffuture

HI Hopeful4,

My situation is very similar. My XAH is not supposed to drink around the kids yet he continues. My kids also end up coming back to my house sometimes on his nights and weekends. For a long time, I did the same and isolated myself for the "just in case" moments. Then I realized that I am trying to control it too much. Much like our marriage. I had to detach some and let the chips fall where they may. I deserve to have a life too. He has to be accountable for his actions. If he screws up, he has to pay the price, not me. He wont drive the kids anymore either so I know they are relatively safe there and are not in direct danger just more neglect than anything. My XAH is not an angry or abusive A just an absent one. Now, I would say about 50 % of the time if I have something I want to do, I do it. I am not going to be hostage to his drinking so much. My DD has anxiety too regarding the drinking. And you know what? As soon as I started doing it, the instances became less. He was using it as a crutch to drink when he wanted to and I was enabling him.

hopeful4

Well, I did go Friday night out locally with my girlfriends. Fun time. DD has a rough night. I could tell as soon as I got home she did not want to go. I kept upbeat, tried to be as cheerful as possible w/her on the way to drop her off, etc. She called me crying at one point, she said she did not know what was wrong. I encouraged her to take a bath and try to relax, to read a book, etc.

I came really close to going home (sometimes we facetime and watch movies together when she can't sleep, something I am trying not to do w/her much). However, her dad had called me to also tell me she was not doing good. I told him to be there for her and hang out w/her, he said he would. I called her a couple of hours later and she was doing much better.

I am glad I did not go home. I went ahead and dealt with the fact she was having a hard time, but did not let it ruin my evening b/c there was nothing else I could do at that point. I am trying really hard not to be so caught up in it and make such a huge deal about it. He was not drinking, I could tell that when I talked to him. So I knew she was safe and would be ok. Trying to be there for her yet encourage her to learn to not get caught up in having a moment ruin her entire evening or weekend.

Saturday I did not go. She was fine, but I was still glad that I did not go, that I was there should she have needed me after a rough night the day before. I myself did not do too well. I had a complete panic attack over some things going on with X and his wife independent of my children, and it was just too much. I am not doing so great when I am alone these days, but am getting ready to go back into therapy.

I really hate how I have been feeling. I am hoping it's a temporary setback and that I can move forward shortly.

Thanks to everyone for being here for me. Unsure....thanks for sharing your story. It does help to hear from other people in the same situation who understand.

FireSprite

I think you managed this just great hopeful! Don't forget that all of our recovery work doesn't happen with big AHA moments & fireworks - there is often a lot happening under the subtle surface.

I think you're learning a lot about separating your issues from each of your DD's, which is super important to understand when it comes to being able to draw firm boundaries with them too.

And hey - if younger DD is going through any of the same pre-puberty hormone mess like DD11 is right no - UGH. She & I had a very long conversation last night about how it is all making her feel crazy already, trying to separate hormonal spikes from PTSD-like reactions can be challenging!

It has taken my DD a long, long, long time to settle in with RAH & rebuild that trust & respect (work in progress). It takes a long time for them to get to a new normal, IMO, when so much is changing for them too - she's grown through a lot of milestones during his/our recoveries. Hey, I struggle with all of it as an adult & she's maneuvering it all at a much less mature point in her life.

LexieCat

I think it sounds like you handled it fine. Kids DO need to learn to manage their own anxiety. We don't want them to suffer too long, but we also want them to learn to tolerate/manage a certain level of it. Life is full of anxiety-provoking moments--it's an important skill to learn.

Wisconsin

I agree with Lexie and FS. While it's not exactly the same situation, soon after I left my STBXAH and he started having our son over without me there to assist, our son started to really act out. He was doing this at both my place, and STBXAH's place. Several times STBXAH called me during a tantrum to basically ask "what the hell am I supposed to do with this," and twice on the verge of asking me to come get DS. I finally told him, kindly but firmly, that we should not reward DS's extreme tantrum with a trip back to Mom's house. (And for the record, I did a lot of subtle questioning and investigation to determine if STBXAH was mistreating DS during these visits, and have concluded that at this point, while he may treat ME like crap, he still treats DS very well.)

I'm glad to say that over the past 8 months, DS's behavior in general has improved a lot.

((HUGS)) to you, Hopeful.

FireSprite

I know that I preach this all the time & you're all sick of hearing it, BUT have you considered helping her learn to meditate? DD was 8 when she started & it has made a TREMENDOUS difference in her stress levels with this kind of stuff, test-stress, whatever.

Reading this article made me think of mentioning it to you:

Why I'm Teaching My 6-Yr Old to Meditate
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/...ate/?tid=a_inl

My reasoning for doing this with DD was just as the author of this article describes:

I can’t protect my daughter from the outside world. I can’t make kids nicer, or darken every screen or new technology that comes her way. But I can give her this one tool, this millenniums-old coping mechanism, that can be her rock in the storm.

I cannot be with DD every step of her life, but I give her tools that she can take with her anywhere she goes!

hopeful4

FS thank you! Yes, I have been thinking about doing this with my DD. I think we would both benefit.

I was proud of her that she was able to control her emotions and get past it, and it happened in a relatively short amount of time. I do think some of it is hormones, she just recently had her first period, and is due to have it again any time.

Both of my girls have really gotten so much stronger over the past year. I am SO proud of them. They have taught me a lot too. It's amazing to have watched their progress. They are so much stronger than I ever gave them credit for being.