Therapist's Advice and Confusion Over Detaching
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Bluelily,
I can, sadly, identify with SO much of what you shared here. The blown expectations, not introducing him to your friends, watching him circle the drain, wondering how and when (not if) his body won't be able to handle anymore... All of it.
Thank you for sharing your story with me. Love and continued strength to you.
I can, sadly, identify with SO much of what you shared here. The blown expectations, not introducing him to your friends, watching him circle the drain, wondering how and when (not if) his body won't be able to handle anymore... All of it.
Thank you for sharing your story with me. Love and continued strength to you.
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One thing to keep in mind that should you choose to end the relationship its on your time frame. You don't have to do it today, tomorrow, next week or next month. That can cause a lot of stress. If you do, you will do it when you are ready.
I agree with what Wisconsin said. I am the rare bird here I am happily married to my RAH. I did stay (um, barely). However, my husband had been sober 9 years and his relapse was a couple short months. We did both go into recovery (and he had previously been in AA for years so he knew the drill).
As you get stronger and work on your codependency, detaching will come natural. You won't have to feel like you are forcing yourself to do something that feels wrong.
I agree with what Wisconsin said. I am the rare bird here I am happily married to my RAH. I did stay (um, barely). However, my husband had been sober 9 years and his relapse was a couple short months. We did both go into recovery (and he had previously been in AA for years so he knew the drill).
As you get stronger and work on your codependency, detaching will come natural. You won't have to feel like you are forcing yourself to do something that feels wrong.
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Thank you, FireSprite! I agree. It isn't a matter of if but when his disease will progress and what that will look like as it does. *shudder* If this is the "best" things will ever be that is one darned scary thought. But one I definitely must consider.
Your continued encouragement means the world. Thanks to all of you!
Your continued encouragement means the world. Thanks to all of you!
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Originally Posted by redatlanta 
One thing to keep in mind that should you choose to end the relationship its on your time frame. You don't have to do it today, tomorrow, next week or next month. That can cause a lot of stress. If you do, you will do it when you are ready.
I agree with what Wisconsin said. I am the rare bird here I am happily married to my RAH. I did stay (um, barely). However, my husband had been sober 9 years and his relapse was a couple short months. We did both go into recovery (and he had previously been in AA for years so he knew the drill).
As you get stronger and work on your codependency, detaching will come natural. You won't have to feel like you are forcing yourself to do something that feels wrong.
I agree with what Wisconsin said. I am the rare bird here I am happily married to my RAH. I did stay (um, barely). However, my husband had been sober 9 years and his relapse was a couple short months. We did both go into recovery (and he had previously been in AA for years so he knew the drill).
As you get stronger and work on your codependency, detaching will come natural. You won't have to feel like you are forcing yourself to do something that feels wrong.
Btw, congrats on your own tenacity and for working with your husband to make things work. It's definitely nice to see a "happy ending" in the midst of so many sad ones!
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I tried to detach for a while. I think for me as I'm entering my 30's I would like to have kids and I do not want it to be with an alcoholic. So that is very tough to detach with certain aspects of things that involve children.
I was better at detaching when the relationship was newer, I was in my early 20's, less mature etc.
I was better at detaching when the relationship was newer, I was in my early 20's, less mature etc.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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Originally Posted by bluelily
And of course, more importantly, I couldnīt deal with seeing him deteriorate further, and knowing that he was poisoning himself a bit more every day. I often imagined what his funeral would be like, and how soon it would come - really, who wants to live like that? I still dread the day when Iīll find out he has died.
I do this too it's heartbreaking xox
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Jennifer....your friends, family and therapist are thinking FIRST of your own good.
They are not experiencing the actual breaking of the bonds themselves! It feels somewhat like separating flesh form bone...(in case they ever ask)....
They do know that staying begets staying.....and, that it drags out the separation process even longer...like taking off a bandaid s..l..o..w..,,, rather, than pulling it off in one swift motion.
Actually, the more contact you have with him...the more it reinforces the bonds! It is called intermittent reinforcement..the strongest tyoe of reinforcement......sigh....
(do a google search of intermittent reinforcement).
This is where "detachment", as suggested by your therapist co mes in....
Knowing that you are probably not willing to walk away.....detachment buys you some time and space to gain some clarityof mind to be able to do so...
As someone else posted, detachment is only one tool to help you....it is not meant to be the whole solution, alone. You don't build a whole house with just a hammer....
dandylion
They are not experiencing the actual breaking of the bonds themselves! It feels somewhat like separating flesh form bone...(in case they ever ask)....
They do know that staying begets staying.....and, that it drags out the separation process even longer...like taking off a bandaid s..l..o..w..,,, rather, than pulling it off in one swift motion.
Actually, the more contact you have with him...the more it reinforces the bonds! It is called intermittent reinforcement..the strongest tyoe of reinforcement......sigh....
(do a google search of intermittent reinforcement).
This is where "detachment", as suggested by your therapist co mes in....
Knowing that you are probably not willing to walk away.....detachment buys you some time and space to gain some clarityof mind to be able to do so...
As someone else posted, detachment is only one tool to help you....it is not meant to be the whole solution, alone. You don't build a whole house with just a hammer....
dandylion
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Originally Posted by bluelily
I couldnīt go anywhere public with him for fear of him getting drunk. I only took him to visit friends of mine three times and on two of them he became so drunk I had to take him home asleep, the other time there was no alcohol at my friendīs and he complained about it for weeks afterwards, saying I took him to a boring tea-party with old ladies. (Btw he was perfectly capable of drinking semi-moderately or not drinking at all when we were with his friends or family)
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They think the sooner the better and why would I want to keep this going any longer than necessary!
I agree with them 1000%. The sooner the better.
I understand where you are. They don't. They may recognize your "needy" nature, but its difficult to understand considering what he has done WHY you would hang on.
My suggestion would be to stop discussing him except with your therapist. Friends and Family are always going to push you to let go. Hell, I would too and I am a codie myself!!!
I agree with them 1000%. The sooner the better.
I understand where you are. They don't. They may recognize your "needy" nature, but its difficult to understand considering what he has done WHY you would hang on.
My suggestion would be to stop discussing him except with your therapist. Friends and Family are always going to push you to let go. Hell, I would too and I am a codie myself!!!
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Dear Jennifer-
I am stealing a line from Dandylion here but the most relatable definition for me of my own co-dependent tendencies is this.
Co-dependency for me is not as much about my relationships with others as it is about my LACK of relationship with myself.
I needed to be able to detach from my loved one so I could begin to put the focus on me. That was hard, uncomfortable and bigger then the relationship that got me here.
So my question for you is can you picture you being able to focus on you with your loved one in the picture. For me it was the painful truth that I could not.
It took me years to severe the relationship though, and knowing it in my head was one thing, embracing it in my being another. You will know when the time is right.
I am stealing a line from Dandylion here but the most relatable definition for me of my own co-dependent tendencies is this.
Co-dependency for me is not as much about my relationships with others as it is about my LACK of relationship with myself.
I needed to be able to detach from my loved one so I could begin to put the focus on me. That was hard, uncomfortable and bigger then the relationship that got me here.
So my question for you is can you picture you being able to focus on you with your loved one in the picture. For me it was the painful truth that I could not.
It took me years to severe the relationship though, and knowing it in my head was one thing, embracing it in my being another. You will know when the time is right.
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Love that, LifeRecovery!
It reminds me of that scene in the movie Runaway Bride, when Richard Gere asks Julia Roberts how she likes her eggs, because her whole life she has always ordered her eggs the same way as the man in her life at any given time ordered them. And ultimately her answer was..."I don't even like eggs."
It reminds me of that scene in the movie Runaway Bride, when Richard Gere asks Julia Roberts how she likes her eggs, because her whole life she has always ordered her eggs the same way as the man in her life at any given time ordered them. And ultimately her answer was..."I don't even like eggs."
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while it is recommended that you'll be ready WHEN you are ready and not sooner, there are far too many tales here of people who stayed WAY too long and by then the addict's issues had morphed them into someone unrecognizable, abusive, toxic, and dangerous. and the loved one becomes the target, the enemy.
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I suppose kissing goodbye to the small amount of hope you have left that something of what you invested would be returned IS painful.
Do you think that the advice is wrong and that you should carry on hoping and being in contact OR are you just trying to figure out why you are acting codependently?
Can't you get away FIRST and THEN try to figure this stuff out? I say this because it's painful where you are, and that's going to be ongoing or increasing all the time you stay there. Yep, it might be a bit painful extracting him from your life as well, but that's more like ripping off an elastoplast, in that it will pass. All the time you're still in contact you're keeping this addiction alive, like an alcoholic who tries to moderate. And like any kind of moderation, you're playing Russian Roulette with proper relapse.
A man stood on the deck of the Titanic. "I will not leave this ship until I figure out why it is sinking!" he declared.
Do you think that the advice is wrong and that you should carry on hoping and being in contact OR are you just trying to figure out why you are acting codependently?
Can't you get away FIRST and THEN try to figure this stuff out? I say this because it's painful where you are, and that's going to be ongoing or increasing all the time you stay there. Yep, it might be a bit painful extracting him from your life as well, but that's more like ripping off an elastoplast, in that it will pass. All the time you're still in contact you're keeping this addiction alive, like an alcoholic who tries to moderate. And like any kind of moderation, you're playing Russian Roulette with proper relapse.
A man stood on the deck of the Titanic. "I will not leave this ship until I figure out why it is sinking!" he declared.
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^ yes to what anvil said. I stayed far too long and watched my ex morph into someone scary. Whatever you decide, we will be here for you...but it will only get worse-regardless of what he thinks (!) and you will be dragged down.
Letting go of hope is the most painful thing. I know the feeling well. Hugs, friend.
Letting go of hope is the most painful thing. I know the feeling well. Hugs, friend.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
We have a saying around here... let go or be dragged.
Not much more I can add to that thought.
Not much more I can add to that thought.
A man stood on the deck of the Titanic. "I will not leave this ship until I figure out why it is sinking!" he declared.
I am one of those who took foreeeevvvveeeerrrrr to finally decide. I took each teeny tiny step one at a time, many times backing up and repeating. When I finally, finally decided I was at the end, I was terrified and so sad. But you know what? Things got a lot better than I expected a lot sooner than I expected. I'm not living on a pink cloud, and I know troubles are gonna come my way, but I am slowly beginning to feel I'm up to the challenges. I'm starting to feel that I'm going to be OK.
Maybe I needed to go so slow b/c I needed to be absolutely totally positively convinced that I had made every effort, given every chance, and there really and truly was nothing more waiting for me down the road except more of the same. Maybe you need the same; I sure can't say.
I don't remember if I'd posted a link to my "Briar Patch" thread in one of your earlier threads? It might be helpful, if you wanted to check it out.
In the end, only you know what you find acceptable. Just don't settle for too little, OK?
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Originally Posted by LifeRecovery
Dear Jennifer-
I am stealing a line from Dandylion here but the most relatable definition for me of my own co-dependent tendencies is this.
Co-dependency for me is not as much about my relationships with others as it is about my LACK of relationship with myself.
I needed to be able to detach from my loved one so I could begin to put the focus on me. That was hard, uncomfortable and bigger then the relationship that got me here.
So my question for you is can you picture you being able to focus on you with your loved one in the picture. For me it was the painful truth that I could not.
It took me years to severe the relationship though, and knowing it in my head was one thing, embracing it in my being another. You will know when the time is right.
I am stealing a line from Dandylion here but the most relatable definition for me of my own co-dependent tendencies is this.
Co-dependency for me is not as much about my relationships with others as it is about my LACK of relationship with myself.
I needed to be able to detach from my loved one so I could begin to put the focus on me. That was hard, uncomfortable and bigger then the relationship that got me here.
So my question for you is can you picture you being able to focus on you with your loved one in the picture. For me it was the painful truth that I could not.
It took me years to severe the relationship though, and knowing it in my head was one thing, embracing it in my being another. You will know when the time is right.
You make such a valid point. I haven't seen him since last Saturday night. We've had about a 5 minute conversation by phone each morning this week and a conversation each night after he's finished with work (which have been growing progressively shorter because I am getting tired of giving all of my free/down time to phone conversations about boring stuff). As the week has gone on, I've found myself feeling happier and more fulfilled. I feel more like me. Even my mom said I sounded happier this week than I had in a long time. So, no. If I'm being honest, I don't think I can give myself the attention I deserve while he is in the picture.
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