First Post/Introduction

Old 04-05-2016, 07:08 PM
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I'm so sorry Wisconsin.

I really didn't want to go the strange route here. It just always seems to me that sometimes we are looking for the youth that we lost.

I think sometimes we feel that we were robbed of that, and want to redo it.

I think I still want to redo my youth.

(((((hugs)))))
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Old 04-05-2016, 07:36 PM
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^ I thin* all of us that had abusive and dysfunctional childhoods wish we could go bac* and redo it.... But the best we can do is learn from it, change US so that we don't pass on those same crazy things, and regain some peace within ourselves.

My two cents!
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Old 04-05-2016, 08:17 PM
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Welcome Jenniferlynne, I don't have much to add as you seem to be figuring things out lighting fast.

I will only offer a big, big hug as this situation can only be super painful.

Ta*e care of yourself and do what you can to detach.
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Old 04-05-2016, 08:39 PM
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Originally Posted by redatlanta View Post
every man I got involved with needed fixing

Just my opinion......control issues. Codies are very controlling anyway. Its a lame horse. The horse needs you, the horse won't leave you, the horse will love you. No one else wants the lame horse but you. You go to the ends of the earth to heal the lame horse, the horse should love you more for it. The horse will never leave you. Why would the horse leave its savior?

And after all that the horse is still lame, and often leaves you for greener pastures. You are surprised anyone else would want the lame horse!!! You expect the lame horse will return because you are the only person on the earth that really loves it.

Then you find out there are others just like you waiting for a lame horse to cross their path. After all you did, its quite a blow.

The "why" is not complicated.
Red, the above rings so true for me. I want to fix/help and or be the hero. It is certainly controlling. In myself, I see this as a kind of arrogance like I am better somehow. Argh.

Not trying to highjack your thread here Jen.
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Old 04-05-2016, 09:34 PM
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Originally Posted by Bekindalways View Post
Red, the above rings so true for me. I want to fix/help and or be the hero. It is certainly controlling. In myself, I see this as a kind of arrogance like I am better somehow.
You know, I´ve been wondering if there is something of this in me and it´s a bit different. I don´t really feel better than others, I feel like I´m under the obligation to give give give to others and not to myself. Like being with a man is some kind of burden, not something to be enjoyed. Someone once told me You never seem to give to yourself, and now I´m seeing it might be true.
I´ve been wondering lately what it would be like to be with someone (in a romantic relationship) who would freely give to me and I was surprised to find that was hard to imagine.
Not sure if someone else feels like this?
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Old 04-05-2016, 09:42 PM
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I sometimes wonder what that would feel like also. I don't think you are alone.
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Old 04-06-2016, 01:11 AM
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Just a quick hello and welcome.

I completely agree about getting too some meetings. Coda or Alanon. If you think of them as a therapy appointment I'm sure something can be worked out with the work schedule.

I found the CoDa handbook really helpful (I bought mine online). The only person any of us can fix is ourselves. I don't even necessarily think it's a case of conceit thinking that we can fix people, more about wanting someone who needs us to fix them, because it feels like that will make them less likely to find other friends or leave us. Like you, I was a very needy child, and the smallest of slights would leave me either heartbroken or full of rage (or both). Thing is, we then end up with selfish or emotionally unavailable partners who are quite happy too agree with us that their own 'needs' (read wants) are more important than ours. And then, (this is the hilarious part), we even start to feel guilty about taking time to work on ourselves, which is exactly where our fixing should be focused.

Wishing you all the best for your recovery, and strength needed to disconnect from those who add nothing good to your life.
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Old 04-06-2016, 04:07 AM
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Originally Posted by Rayn3dr0p View Post
bluelily, your comment reminds me of something I said to my friend just yesterday. We were having a pretty typical "boys are dumb" kind of conversation to blow off some steam, and I told her that part of the reason I'm not ready to call it quits with my ABF is because everyone has issues and at least I know what his issues are. It took me 8 years to learn all about his issues, and I'm too tired to learn someone else's all over again. In other words, I'd rather settle for familiarity. What does this say of my opinion of relationships? Do I seem like someone who expects to receive as well as give? (These are rhetorical questions. I know how jaded all of this sounds.)
Better the Devil you know than the Devil you don't. That thinking will keep you standing still whether applied to a relationship, a job, or anything.

True, all people have issues. In a healthy relationship there might be a couple of big issues, like one or two, then a myriad of little issues - like one is a beach person and one is a mountain person. These things should appear within a year, or two at the latest. The little annoying issues should far outweigh the biggies.

What does "familiar" mean to you? Does it mean the issues are there,
and you have resolved them? Or does is mean the issue is there, its not changing, and you have accepted it?

Staying with something because its familiar is al lousy reason to be in whatever it is. I tend to think Return On Investment is part of the reason when you are talking about "years" in a relationship. People don't like change even when they don't like what they are doing.

. It took me 8 years to learn all about his issues I'm too tired to learn someone else's all over again. But not to tired to deal with an alcoholic's BS? Its all a matter of perspective. If the choice were to be alone and free of someone else's BS or stay with someone who had a lot of problems to me, I would rather be alone, and get a dog or cat. Of course that's dramatic (though some people choose to never engage romantically again) its hard to imagine healthy when you are in chaos.
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Old 04-06-2016, 04:46 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Jennifer.....I don't know if you live in the states or not... (a couple of words that you used make me think that, possibly, you do not.....
I do live in the States. But now I'm curious to know where you thought I might live instead! LOL

I don't know if you have CoDA meetings in your location---Co-Dependents Anonymous......
I think that may be more specific to your needs (in addition to your therapy).....
I don't know either, but it's certainly something I can look into. My therapist didn't mention it when we talked about other resources last evening, but that doesn't mean anything...

Alanon--too bad about the schedule. do you ever get a day off? If so, maybe you could make some meetings on those days........
Sadly, no. I work a very full schedule for a highly regulated organization so I don't have a lot of flexibility.

I am going to make a guess---that you have issues from your early growing up years that you have brought as baggage into all of your adult relationships.....
That is a very common thing, you know.....
If a person is thirsty for intimacy and love....and, especially if they may have low self-esteem.....they will be drawn to it ANYWHERE and with anyone who offers it.....That is a very human reaction. And, unfortunately, if it is not from the right person.....it is like emotional heroine....very addictive (and, with the same destructive consequences)......
I agree 100% and couldn't have said it better myself!

Thank you so much for your support dandylion!
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Old 04-06-2016, 04:46 AM
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Originally Posted by bluelily View Post
You know, I´ve been wondering if there is something of this in me and it´s a bit different. I don´t really feel better than others, I feel like I´m under the obligation to give give give to others and not to myself. Like being with a man is some kind of burden, not something to be enjoyed. Someone once told me You never seem to give to yourself, and now I´m seeing it might be true.
I´ve been wondering lately what it would be like to be with someone (in a romantic relationship) who would freely give to me and I was surprised to find that was hard to imagine.
Not sure if someone else feels like this?
I used to be like you in a way. Although I didn't feel like being with a man was some kind of burden. However, I always gave gave gave ans never got much in return. Then I met the man that was to be my partner for 4 years (before XABF). The relationship may not have lasted. More than 4 years, but it was the healthiest relationship I've ever been in. We both gave freely without asking anything in return. And when both partners give freely, it makes for a very rewarding relationship. I could write a long novel about that relationship, but it's not the point. My point is that it is possible and that men who give freely are out there!
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Old 04-06-2016, 05:15 AM
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Originally Posted by amy55 View Post
Hi Jennifer, and welcome to the family
Thanks, Amy!

I'm going to get a little strange here, so please bear with me. To me, a HS sweetheart, is like trying to relive your past because you don't really like the present time.
I wouldn't say in my personal circumstances it was trying to relive the past because I didn't like the present time. Trying to rekindle the past, absolutely. But at the time it had nothing to do with escaping from the present. At least not for me...

This guy that you are talking about is abusive. Presently he is mentally, verbally, emotionally abusive, perhaps even financially.
I agree. I didn't see it that way initially, but I *definitely* do now.

This isn't even a very long relationship, or a decade long relationship, and he is already verbally abusive to you. He is cutting down your self confidence and self esteem. He is showing you no respect with your apt, and the new things you purchased for it. This is stuff that you got, and you felt good about yourself for pushing forward like this, and he is disrespecting it.
He is. And we all know that it's unacceptable.

I don't usually talk like this, but you wanted people to be straightforward, so that you could do what you needed to do, to put this in your past.
By all means. I appreciate everyone's honesty and appreciate you sharing. It's refreshing! (I've been dealing with so many lies...)

[QUOTE{Where are his friends? does he have any? or did he burn those out also?[/QUOTE]

He burned them out too. And he hasn't even made an attempt to make new once since moving here which is something I've asked him about. I've told him that I don't want the pressure of being his only person here and I'm not going to turn down opportunities to see/be with my friends any longer so I can spend time with him. Otherwise I will end up alone as well. I know he's struggling with my having a social life that doesn't include him. But I can only be concerned with me and my life. Not his reactions to things. If he wants to make friends there are plenty of ways to do that...

I know you have been through h3ll, now you are going to get out of there.
Yes I am darn it! And thank you so much for your support, Amy!
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Old 04-06-2016, 05:20 AM
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Originally Posted by INgal View Post
GO TO THE EVENING ALANON MEETINGS!! they only last 1 to 11/2 hrs and you might get so much out of it. I think you need toe social aspect of it as well. I felt so alone and now I have a group of beautiful people I consider friends. Try it. It can't hurt!
It's not that I don't want to INgal. But they don't start until between 7 and 8pm around here and I have to be in bed by 9pm. I have to be up very early in the morning and I have a health issue that requires me to get at least 7 hours of sleep a night to ensure it doesn't flare up. I'm not ruling it out because I know the in-person social aspect would be good for me. But I also know that self-care for me right now includes not stretching myself too thinly and getting good sleep, nutrition, etc. Which is part of why I'm here.
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Old 04-06-2016, 05:23 AM
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Originally Posted by Wisconsin View Post
My first marriage was NOT one of deep romantic love, and I felt starved for affection and for someone to put me up on a pedestal (after years of coming in second to my XH's family of origin).
THIS. Right here. This is my truth. It wouldn't have mattered who it was. The shared history was an added bonus. It was just that I'd found someone who (I thought) would love me the way I hadn't --and wanted--to be loved.
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Old 04-06-2016, 05:25 AM
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Originally Posted by Bekindalways View Post
Welcome Jenniferlynne, I don't have much to add as you seem to be figuring things out lighting fast.

I will only offer a big, big hug as this situation can only be super painful.

Ta*e care of yourself and do what you can to detach.
Thank you Bekind! The support and hugs from all of you mean SO much!
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Old 04-06-2016, 05:27 AM
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Originally Posted by Rayn3dr0p View Post
Hello and welcome!

Like me, you sound like a person who has a very high tolerance for complete and utter BS, which is why I am so impressed by your newfound resolve!



Can you bottle some of that up for me?
Haha! If we can find a way to bottle it up, I'll gladly share with the masses! In the meantime, know that it's the support of all of you that's helping to strengthen my resolve. So thank you. Each of you is playing a role in this journey!
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Old 04-06-2016, 05:30 AM
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Originally Posted by bluelily View Post
You know, I´ve been wondering if there is something of this in me and it´s a bit different. I don´t really feel better than others, I feel like I´m under the obligation to give give give to others and not to myself. Like being with a man is some kind of burden, not something to be enjoyed. Someone once told me You never seem to give to yourself, and now I´m seeing it might be true.
I´ve been wondering lately what it would be like to be with someone (in a romantic relationship) who would freely give to me and I was surprised to find that was hard to imagine.
Not sure if someone else feels like this?
I definitely feel this way. My mom and I were taking about it on my way into work this morning. It's not that I don't feel like I'm deserving. I just feel like other people's needs matter more than mine for some reason. I've always taken so much pleasure in giving to and doing for others. Seeing their joy. But at what cost? I also have no idea what it would be like to be in an "equal" relationship as I've never been in one! So I'm asking myself the same thing... Why?
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Old 04-06-2016, 05:35 AM
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Originally Posted by Rayn3dr0p View Post
bluelily, your comment reminds me of something I said to my friend just yesterday. We were having a pretty typical "boys are dumb" kind of conversation to blow off some steam, and I told her that part of the reason I'm not ready to call it quits with my ABF is because everyone has issues and at least I know what his issues are. It took me 8 years to learn all about his issues, and I'm too tired to learn someone else's all over again. In other words, I'd rather settle for familiarity. What does this say of my opinion of relationships? Do I seem like someone who expects to receive as well as give? (These are rhetorical questions. I know how jaded all of this sounds.)
I felt that way about my now XH. I felt relieved to know I wasn't going to have to do the dating thing again and learn about someone else's issues, etc. Thinking about it is exhausting. And I think, in some ways, I feel the same about ABF now. Not enough to make me want to stay. (The "bad" outweighs the "good" at this point...) But I completely understand where you're coming from!
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Old 04-06-2016, 05:38 AM
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Originally Posted by Beccybean View Post
Just a quick hello and welcome.

I completely agree about getting too some meetings. Coda or Alanon. If you think of them as a therapy appointment I'm sure something can be worked out with the work schedule.

I found the CoDa handbook really helpful (I bought mine online). The only person any of us can fix is ourselves. I don't even necessarily think it's a case of conceit thinking that we can fix people, more about wanting someone who needs us to fix them, because it feels like that will make them less likely to find other friends or leave us. Like you, I was a very needy child, and the smallest of slights would leave me either heartbroken or full of rage (or both). Thing is, we then end up with selfish or emotionally unavailable partners who are quite happy too agree with us that their own 'needs' (read wants) are more important than ours. And then, (this is the hilarious part), we even start to feel guilty about taking time to work on ourselves, which is exactly where our fixing should be focused.

Wishing you all the best for your recovery, and strength needed to disconnect from those who add nothing good to your life.
Thanks Beccy. ((HUGS)) I'm definitely going to look into the CoDa options around here.
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Old 04-06-2016, 05:47 AM
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Jennifer....it was your particular use of the word "cow". And, something else, that I can't remember, right now. I thought you might have been in the United Kingdom......
......lol.....

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Old 04-06-2016, 05:53 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Jennifer....it was your particular use of the word "cow". And, something else, that I can't remember, right now. I thought you might have been in the United Kingdom......
......lol.....

dandylion
Haha! Well, I did spend five years in England and am a huge Anglophile. (I'm also a writer/communicator by trade...) So props to you! Your observations were actually quite insightful! 😄 LOL
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