What I want
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by Peaches04
Hi TLI - thank you for sharing your story with us. I hope you and your friend lived happily ever after. I just don't want to 'stick this out' and end up where I am today, probably even more unhappy - if that's possible. so, I'm actually doing what other people recommend and not what my gut instinct says to do. If my codie self thinks something is a good idea - I try and do the opposite. So, when I read that I had to start thinking of what I want...it was such a new concept, but I did it. so, it's nice to hear your story and your view...thanks again. Peace to you!
You're welcome! It actually helps me deal with all of it better when I talk about it. My husband has only been out of the house for 6/7 weeks, so everything is still in limbo. I still feel obligated in many ways to make my marriage work. I can't get past those feelings, so I haven't made any long term decisions yet. He is still drinking, making promises, I still feel sorry for him, same ole same ole. I feel like I took the vows I took in sound mind and that giving up makes me the failure. I worry about the kids view on all of this also, they love their dad and want him to come home. I worry about breaking the unity and what affect it will have on my kids. You face a lot of new issues when you choose to separate yourself from the addict. I just deal with it all day to day and hope that God will direct me in the direction I should take. My friend lives 20 hours away from me so I think that helps me look at all this more objectively. I have given serious thought to breaking all contact with the friend, but it's hard to let go of something that is so grounded. I wish I would have had all of this sorted out before I met him. I fight with those feelings everyday. I certainly didn't set out for it to happen, so the feelings of guilt overcome me at times.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
Hi again TLI. I hear you - and don't we all know the guilt feelings too well. I'm sorry for your predicament. My biggest concern with my husband is my children. He is not a fall down, crazy drunk yet.. just a drink a whole whole lot drunk. so, my children may not even be aware of it being a problem yet, but I know one day they will. And I just have to assume that if I'm uncomfortable or feel weird, there's a good chance they do to. If you think about meeting someone at a party on drugs or something..you don't see the drugs and you didn't see him take it, but you know something is not right about him. may not be sure what it is...but, you know something doesn't sit right with you. That makes me wonder if my kids have that same feeling with him. I'm sure I'm projecting, or whatever...but, it makes me concerned. I'm just 'being still' and waiting for guidance from above. Good luck to you and I know you will make the best decision for you and your kids.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
and Skyleh, yes, I think that is a normal marriage...but, like you - hell if I know 
I wouldn't know a normal marriage if it snuck up on me. but, thank goodness I've had that kind of love before, so I do know it's possible and I can get it...from someone, somewhere.. OR - may A could just sober up! I'm wondering if the chances of finding 'true love' or more likely than my AH sobering up.. I honestly think they are.
I wouldn't know a normal marriage if it snuck up on me. but, thank goodness I've had that kind of love before, so I do know it's possible and I can get it...from someone, somewhere.. OR - may A could just sober up! I'm wondering if the chances of finding 'true love' or more likely than my AH sobering up.. I honestly think they are.
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Somewhere Texas
Posts: 5
Wow!
Peaches04, you must be reading my mind! this is EXACTLY what I want and most definitely it is NOT too much to ask! don't even let yourself go there! Why don't you write these "wants" in a card and leave it for DH to find? I hope that he will be receptive to you - he doesn't realize what an awesome marriage the two of you could have if only...if only he would give a little of himself...unfortunately I think alcohol takes too much out of it's victims...but I do think you can get that back. Don't give up!
My heart is spoken for.
My heart is spoken for.
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: A very sad place
Posts: 115
TLI - Thank you for your post. It gives me hope that maybe someday I will stop loving my AH of 25 years and find someone who will love me and let me love them and just possibly have a "normal" life.
Hugs
Kat
Hugs
Kat
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by kfa2004
TLI - Thank you for your post. It gives me hope that maybe someday I will stop loving my AH of 25 years and find someone who will love me and let me love them and just possibly have a "normal" life.
Hugs
Kat
Hugs
Kat
You are welcome! I can't say that I don't love my husband anymore, he just won't let me love him. I just grew so tired of pretending what we had was even close to normal. I lived in this fantasy world that me loving him was enough to sustain the relationship. He says he loves me, and I think in his own sick way that he does. It's just hard to believe that someone loves you when they won't come home and lives to only please himself. I still wish that I could overlook all the pain and needs that I have and make it work. I just know that if I let him come home like he is that things will always be the same. He keeps saying that if I let him come home that he will never drink again. There are days that I actually consider it, sounds insane I know...
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 105
If you let him come back and he has not stopped drinking you are right. He will not stop just because you let him come back.
Mine told him the only reason he quit was because I told him I wanted a divorce. He went sober the next day.He said he was doing it for me and the kids, he was not doing it for himself. I told him he needed to do it for himself, because I was still going through with divorce. He needed to do it so I would allow a realtionship with him and the children. Now its all my fault he drank, I am a control freak, I am a b----h, my fault we are divorcing. He was sick and now is all better. blah blah blah. So if I'm so horrible why would he want to stay married to me? Beats the hell outta me.
Mine told him the only reason he quit was because I told him I wanted a divorce. He went sober the next day.He said he was doing it for me and the kids, he was not doing it for himself. I told him he needed to do it for himself, because I was still going through with divorce. He needed to do it so I would allow a realtionship with him and the children. Now its all my fault he drank, I am a control freak, I am a b----h, my fault we are divorcing. He was sick and now is all better. blah blah blah. So if I'm so horrible why would he want to stay married to me? Beats the hell outta me.
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by myselfagain
If you let him come back and he has not stopped drinking you are right. He will not stop just because you let him come back.
Mine told him the only reason he quit was because I told him I wanted a divorce. He went sober the next day.He said he was doing it for me and the kids, he was not doing it for himself. I told him he needed to do it for himself, because I was still going through with divorce. He needed to do it so I would allow a realtionship with him and the children. Now its all my fault he drank, I am a control freak, I am a b----h, my fault we are divorcing. He was sick and now is all better. blah blah blah. So if I'm so horrible why would he want to stay married to me? Beats the hell outta me.
Mine told him the only reason he quit was because I told him I wanted a divorce. He went sober the next day.He said he was doing it for me and the kids, he was not doing it for himself. I told him he needed to do it for himself, because I was still going through with divorce. He needed to do it so I would allow a realtionship with him and the children. Now its all my fault he drank, I am a control freak, I am a b----h, my fault we are divorcing. He was sick and now is all better. blah blah blah. So if I'm so horrible why would he want to stay married to me? Beats the hell outta me.
I'll never understand him. He found out that I had the friend in Florida a few days ago and hasn't shut up about it since. He says he just can't believe that someone else is in my life. How could I do this to him. Yet his new cell phone is in a womens name that I have no clue who she is. Her number was being called several times a day on his old phone that was in my name. He says she wants him but he has no interest in her, does he think I'm stupid? Before he left he would sit and tell me how I didn't trust him, fussed at him to much, anything he could remotely find me at fault in. I asked the same question, if I'm so horrible why would you want to live with me. You know what his answer was, well I'm just use to it now. I told him this, yes I may be a b.... now, but I wasn't like this when you met me. I also told him this, it's my own fault that I'm in this place in my life. I chose to trust that you would be a good husband and father so I have no one to blame but myself. I said, so forgive me if I'm not a nice person now, living with you would make a preacher cuss. Anyway, I can totally relate to all the nonsense that comes out of their mouth. Who knows where their thought process comes from.
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: on my way home
Posts: 73
sounds familiar
Originally Posted by myselfagain
If you let him come back and he has not stopped drinking you are right. He will not stop just because you let him come back.
Mine told him the only reason he quit was because I told him I wanted a divorce. He went sober the next day.He said he was doing it for me and the kids, he was not doing it for himself. I told him he needed to do it for himself, because I was still going through with divorce. He needed to do it so I would allow a realtionship with him and the children. Now its all my fault he drank, I am a control freak, I am a b----h, my fault we are divorcing. He was sick and now is all better. blah blah blah. So if I'm so horrible why would he want to stay married to me? Beats the hell outta me.
Mine told him the only reason he quit was because I told him I wanted a divorce. He went sober the next day.He said he was doing it for me and the kids, he was not doing it for himself. I told him he needed to do it for himself, because I was still going through with divorce. He needed to do it so I would allow a realtionship with him and the children. Now its all my fault he drank, I am a control freak, I am a b----h, my fault we are divorcing. He was sick and now is all better. blah blah blah. So if I'm so horrible why would he want to stay married to me? Beats the hell outta me.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 105
I have to say that I do not regret what I did at all. It is so peaceful around the house w/o him here. I have turned into a mom that does not holler at the kids anymore. I talk to them now about what they do wrong or when they dont listen to me. Before I would just yell and holler at them. I think I was taking my anger out on them sometimes. The kids are a lot calmer now too. They hang out in the living room instead of going to their bedroom to get away from him.
Do what you have to do to make yourself and children happy, that will be my motto from now on.
Take care
Do what you have to do to make yourself and children happy, that will be my motto from now on.
Take care
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 341
It sounds like a normal relationship to me too. It sounds like what most people want in their life and it is what we all deserve. Heck, I want the same thing! I hope we can find it someday. Not the PERFECT relationship (as that doesn't exist), just one that is much, much closer to "normal" would be great.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Peaches: The timing of your original post was right on target with part of where I am. I had just started writing down a list for my AH of what I wanted from him. Though I had no plans to give it to him, I had posted about how I wondered if my expectations were too high. When I wrote the list, I realized that I really was not asking for much. At least in my opinion.
Today, I wrote a list of what I wanted out of a relationship. Not with the thought of what I wanted from my AH necessarily, but just what kind of person I wanted to spend my life with.
It was interesting really. I still want the same things that I have always wanted. The only difference was that there were things listed now that wouldn't have been there before I got married because I hadn't ever realized that I had those wants and needs before. Having lacked for them for so long made me realize that those needs are there, but just have never been met.
As far as goals and whatnot, I've never really made a list on paper. There were certain things I really felt the need to accomplish when AH and I first seperated. I'm happy to say that I've accomplished those. But I've not made a list really as far as long-term goals.
I think you're making lists is really wonderful for you. It gives you clarity. It will also keep you anchored to YOU and you can begin to plan on how you can acheive those goals.
For me......well, today I read the list of what I wanted from my AH that I had written the other day and realized that I will never have the majority of the things on the list from him. And having re-read the list of what I want out of a relationship, I realized that I will not ever have that kind of relationship from my AH as well. It was really sad in the idea that I have come to terms with the truth. It's just how it is.
Today, I wrote a list of what I wanted out of a relationship. Not with the thought of what I wanted from my AH necessarily, but just what kind of person I wanted to spend my life with.
It was interesting really. I still want the same things that I have always wanted. The only difference was that there were things listed now that wouldn't have been there before I got married because I hadn't ever realized that I had those wants and needs before. Having lacked for them for so long made me realize that those needs are there, but just have never been met.
As far as goals and whatnot, I've never really made a list on paper. There were certain things I really felt the need to accomplish when AH and I first seperated. I'm happy to say that I've accomplished those. But I've not made a list really as far as long-term goals.
I think you're making lists is really wonderful for you. It gives you clarity. It will also keep you anchored to YOU and you can begin to plan on how you can acheive those goals.
For me......well, today I read the list of what I wanted from my AH that I had written the other day and realized that I will never have the majority of the things on the list from him. And having re-read the list of what I want out of a relationship, I realized that I will not ever have that kind of relationship from my AH as well. It was really sad in the idea that I have come to terms with the truth. It's just how it is.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
hi guys! Ever since I posted this, I'm still feeling very strong about my wants. Lately, I vascilate on decisions I make, and this is the only one that has stood firm. That is what I really want. So, now I've listed my goals and my wants..I guess it's up to me to follow through. I'm glad to hear standingstrong that you've actually accomplished some of yours...what a great feeling! I hope to be there soon!
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