Change is uncomfortable
 

It's been a long couple of weeks. Mr Magic is pretty much through the detox from Vicodin. He is getting by on tylenol and ibuprophen. Yesterday we had a heart to heart about how things have been with us. Now that he is coherent, he has been all into what I'm doing. He has decided that he will make plans for us again. It has been a while since he has been involved in planning, or even caring what my plans were.

This is hard for me to adjust to. It's like a new person is in my life, and it's kind of uncomfortable to start sharing again. Especially with such short notice. And the truth is that I am not extremely trusting of this new person. I haven't handled everything perfectly. But I have handled it better than I have in the past.

It hurts his feelings that I don't trust him. It bothers him that he can't just jump into things where he left off. I am different. I have been growing and changing. I haven't waited with baited breath for him to start living again. I have become more independent. I have a life that isn't centered around "us" anymore.

If anyone had told me last year that I would feel this way, I would have thought they had lost their mind. There is a part of me that would just love to slip back to that old behavior and get all focussed on him and lose me. But I know the consequences that come with that, and I am not willing to pay that price.

So I am taking it slow. I am doing the things that Al-Anon has taught me. I am letting "us" be what it is going to be. That is scary. Not knowing how things are going to be, and not trying to make them what I want them to be. Each day I am looking for God's will in my life and trying to trust that things will work out the way they should. I reach out to my sponsor, read my literature, go to meetings.

Life is ever changing. I am learning to accept that. I know that change is uncomfortable. I can be ok with being uncomfortable, with the help and support I have found. I don't freak out about being uncomfortable anymore. It's weird, but I can be serene and uncomfortable at the same time.

So all in all, things are going pretty good. I have hope that "us" is going to be better. I am capable of handling it either way. I do love Mr Magic. He is a great person. He tries hard. He is kind and sweet most of the time. I think that we both have the patience and commitment to get through this. What the outcome will be, only time will tell. I'll just take it one day at a time.

Thanks to all my friends here for your loving support. I know that I couldn't get through this with sanity and serenity without you. Hugs, Magic :zoink

You go, Magic
 

um..... pardon me for jumping in. If I may suggest, as a recovering addict whose DOC is alcohol, that if his feeling get hurt he'll get over it. If he _lost_ your trust then his job is to _earn_ it back. If that bothers him he can go share about it in a meeting :-)

Definetly. Down right scary, in my opinion :-) However, it seems to me from reading your posts that you have become stronger, wiser, and more independent. All wonderful things regardless of the situation. Perhaps what you are experiencing is not change, but _growth_. If that's the case, then you have nothing to fear :-)

I find change to be scary cuz it's out of my control. I have no way of knowing if it's going to be good or bad. Growth, on the other hand, is good. I am in control of my own growth, I decide how fast or how slow to grow, I decide to work my program or not, I decide to listen to the suggestions of those wiser than me. Growth is always good, even if I goof it up and don't grow as fast as I could ;-)

Way to go! That's the good thing about life. No matter how bad things get, even in the worst possible case, it only happens one day at a time. That's something small enough that with the help of my program, even I can handle it :-)

Praying for ya Magic, all of us are. With some many people making such a racket your HP is going to be paying attention fer sure :-)

Mike :-)

(((((Magic)))))-

Change is hard that's for sure. There is a door I have been trying to walk through with my H for so long I know I will but, I guess there is just something I have not worked out in my mind. I guess I keep waiting for him to come with me but, maybe he just can't.... I know I have grown since this time last year but this one door I have one foot in.

I am glad you are here Magic thanx for sharing!!!

Would be nice if us guys could understand things from the start.

I have reached a point of understanding about the truth issue you speak of.
It was my plan to win back that trust, even if it took a year or more.

As I have posted on a thread or two before to others...
The guy brain says...OK job done move on. Task finished, lets get back to where we left off.
Till someone points out what a woman goes through in thought, till a guy reaches an understanding that we need earn the trust, we won't know any different then what our brain tells us.
I knew my conviction was exact. My yes was yes and my no was a no.
I needed the understanding that time to prove to others what I knew in my own heart would be needed.
Time heals. Time shows proof of conviction.
When my actions cried wolf for so many years, why should anyone believe me now? It took time.

As i said... till someone tells him and he understands, he will just use what tools he has and knows... a guy's brain.

Charlie Brown and the football being pulled away is a good word picture.
How does he feel about Charlie Brown's actions? Should Charlie trust Lucy?
What if she lets him kick the ball once? Should he run full force the next time or should he think before running full speed?
The football has been pulled away but now he is holding it with full conviction. Waiting for you to kick it.
Talk it over with him. Give him a word picture that asks him how would he react.
men are from Mars, women are from Venus. Was a good book that helped me understand the differences between the sexes.

Best, it's so helpful to have a guys point of view here! My AH, sober two months, also thinks "ok, I quit drinking, I wont cheat on you anymore, get over it". But its so much harder for me to trust. I'm trying, but it will take longer for him to earn my trust than he thinks it should, and he has a problem with that. Ive tried to explain that when hurt piles upon hurt it takes awhile for it to come off, women are different from men. He's very impatient with me on this issue. I hope it doesnt ruin what we've accomplished in the last 60 days. It truely is one day at a time for me.

Alexia,

I have exactly the same problem. My A b/f has been drinking for the whole of our 3 year relationship, bar the past 6 weeks. I can't even begin to describe the problems we have had, but I'm sure you've all been there. He is following no programme and had just decided to stop drinking. I am now under constant pressure to forget the past 3 years and start afresh. I find that impossible to do just now and am concentrating on my own recovery. He just won't give me the emotional space to do this. Having said that, we started couples counselling last week and I went to my first Al-anon meeting last night, so we may be on the right track.

I understand that guys tend to be task orientated and so may find it easier to move on, although I am struggling to not think that it is just another form of denial.

Trying to keep it simple. It's exhausting, though.

Magic, have I told you lately how amazing I think you are?
Big hugs,
Gabe

Hey Magic you are a great lady and a wise one I hope to one day get to the point you are at. Hugs!!!
Rose

Jack came home for a few days a couple of weeks ago. I felt so detached from him. I think it hurt his feelings but like you I couldn't wait for him to start living again. My life is not centered around us anymore.

During his brief stay at home something happened that he was able to help with and he was estatic! He said, "You DO need me!" I just gave him a blank stare, as I did during the entire 3 days he was there. I don't know that person and I don't trust him. And when he took off again, I continued living my life.

Like you, if anyone had told me last year, heck even just a few months ago that I would feel this way, I truly would have thought they were nuts. And yes, that old part of me still wants to believe in happily ever after and hopes he comes home and is magically all better. But that's not going to happen and I need to start preparing for a life that isn't dependent on him.

You're right, change is uncomfortable, but a bit of discomfort is much better than a life of chaos.

Thanks Magic. Once again your words have helped and touched me.

Hugs,
JG

(((Magic)))

I am wishing the best for you and Mr. Magic...I will keep you in my prayers.

Hi Magic. I know you hear this alot, but you are such an inspiration! I learn so much from each and every one of your posts. Amazing is what you are...simply amazing. Thanks so much for sharing and helping us newer lost souls to find hope and sanity.

((magic)) what more can be said than what has been posted above. i pray you will continue in your recovery and so will mr magic and you will both be where you want to be! cwohio