nicegirlwny

Hello all, its the first day of no contact with my XABF and I'm feeling so lonely and miserable...even though I'm sure I dodged a bullet when he relapsed before we moved in together or became more entangled with each other. I'm going to be a little selfish tonight and ask my fellow "club members" to post their stories. I need to hear how your lives got better after dodging your bullet...let's have some happy endings!

Hangnbyathread

If you ever doubt you did the right thing, just think about what you no longer have to faced to deal with.

I will never regret leaving the dramas, the lies, the egg shell walking, the unstable home, the unknown departures and arrivals.

Etc. Etc. Etc.

My list could go on awhile

Now, I don't have a list.

wanttobehealthy

Well, I did NOT dodge the bullet-- I married the bullet and threw away a LOT of years trying to fix the bullet and shiny it up and make it right...

But when I did finally leave, as excruciating, painful, confusing, hard, terrifying etc... as it was, I KNEW deep down that it was what was right (even if I did not fully believe that or feel like it was)

And here, a few years later, my ability to laugh, my sense of humor, my self confidence, not to mention my children's well being, my professional stability just to name a few, are all so much better off than when I was spending all my emotional energy on xAH...

I am sure it feels devastating and awful. And for that I am so sorry. One thing that helped me during the times I wanted to cave, when I was scared and confused and thought that maybe staying with something sucky was better than going it alone, was this: I decided that even if for right now it did not feel ok, I knew in my mind logically that it was right to be done with him. So I dealt with the discomfort of the disconnect between how I felt and what I knew to be right/true...

Sometimes I think we expect to have our heart and head align together at the same time and don't make decisions or choices until that happens.

At least that was true for me.

I am grateful that someone or something prompted me to realize that I could 'know' it was best to be apart from xAH even if it did not 'feel' right...

I told myself that a LOT in the early days of the final time I made him leave.... each of the other times I had caved and let him back when the fake sorrys began... But reminding myself that my feelings would change if I stuck with the logic my brain knew actually worked....

Not sure if that makes any sense...

nicegirlwny

It makes perfect sense. I know he chose the drinking. He used to tell me I was his reward for staying sober. That's out the window now, for sure. And I wish him well, but I'm not getting sucked into the vortex. Thanks to some very wise friends on SR ☺

nicegirlwny

Thank you for posting. I admire the courage it takes to reclaim your lives, and your honesty here ☺

maia1234

NG,
I put up with 34 years with my AXH. Hardest thing I ever did was divorce him. I wished I hadn't waste half my life with an addict waiting for him to get sober, he's still drinking.

I copied this off SR, enjoy....
You are walking away from unhappiness and into stability that you are creating for yourself. Don't romanticize his life, he was a mess then and he will be a mess in the future. Difference is, you won't!

mylifeismine

There is a post titled "March" by Praying and she describes
a beautiful success story that is her life. Check it out.

Bekindalways

Great thread Nicegirl. I will tell my story later as I'm headed for bed.

Take care and start racking up some no-contact days!

Liveitwell

You will not regret leaving an addict. My story is much like WTBH with my ex. Years wasted on someone full of hot air and major issues that he doesbt care to fix for himself of his own children. I married my bullet and had two kids with him. Don't follow my path!!!
You did dodge a bullet....and realize his demons only get worse over time...sure he may portray that all is well but realize all he revealed to you will be shown to some other poor soul and thank your lucky stars you don't have to deal with it anymore.

My life and my children's lives are a million times better since crawling out of the crab trap from an alcoholic enabling family. Better than I thought was ever possible. It takes time and distance to see with eyes that are clear of the fear, obligation and guilt.

Prayers to you!!

honeypig

This should keep you busy for a while:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-stories.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rd-health.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...iar-patch.html

Kata

Nicegirl,

I don't have much of a story for you, as I find myself in your situation at the moment. I have recently "dodged my bullet". I know how you're feeling, as I'm feeling a bit of the same. My head knows I'm doing the right thing, that it's the only solution, but my heart doesn't agree all the time. So days it does, some days it doesn't.

And yes, somes days I feel lonely and miserable. But last weekend, I've also realised that I feel more free, that a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I was talking to one of my close friends and told her that recently, when I go out for a walk, I smile at strangers I cross on the streets, not just men, but women, kids, old people, anyone. I just smile. My friend told me " Kata, that's because you're free now, more open, you're becoming you again".

So, when it gets hard, I think about that, make myself go for a walk and smile at strangers. And you know what, your smile is a muscle, the more you make yourself smile, the more you will, and the lighter and happier you'll feel.

My motto right now is : fake it till you make it!
I try to act like the person I want to be. Eventually, I'll get there.

Oh, and I've also decided to get a cat! He's two weeks old, orange, and will be mine in about 6 to 8 weeks. Just the thought of that kitty makes me smile.

redatlanta

I dodged a bullet with my ex who was not an alcoholic but a sex addict, and a pathological liar. The bullet I dodged....

Being with someone who had a double life
Endless lies (good ones though, he was smart)
Spending everyday searching the internet to see what he was up to
Probably getting an STD along the way
Being upset EVERY day
Dealing with his narcissism, he only talked about himself. We spent many hours, days, months in deep discussion of his "issues" YAWN (but I loved it at the time)
Being treated like a piece of trash when he was caught at something. There was no apology- he would "ghost", and punish ME
Having key loggers on my computer and phone so he could see what I was doing (hence why he got away with so much)
I would have be miserable because I was miserable. I was so miserable, I didn't realize I was miserable. I was intent on fixing him I had twisted in my mind ending the relationship as a failure of my abilities (LOL)
I developed a sleeping disorder
Lastly my self esteem, which is normally high, was in the garbage.

No Thanks ^^^^

Praying

So I did just post "March" talking about how far I've come and how good things can be, and how I dodged a second bullet with another A.

Here's a post about the bullet I DIDN'T dodge, that lodged in my chest and slowly drained my life...it could have killed me, both while I was in it, and then while I struggled to emerge. It wrecked me.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ll-letter.html

I was not loved and cherished the way a real man should do. AND...I didn't know it because I was so lost in it myself and it evolved slowly.

I didn't mention in my "March" post that in the midst of my happiness now, I DON'T have a romantic relationship--but I don't miss it at the moment and we'll see what comes. I believe it will be beautiful, and you can bet your a$$ any guy who makes it across my threshold is gonna treat me wonderfully!!! And in the meantime I'm just living, flirting, and having fun.

nicegirlwny

Thank you all so very much for the inspiration and hope. It's been a long day, but rounding out the second of no contact. Miss my good morning and how's your day texts, cried my eyes out at bedtime last night from missing my sweet guy to curl up with. Heart and head not aligned today...maybe tomorrow.

Bekindalways

Hi Nicegirl, I hear you on the "Heart and Head Alignment " thing. It took me a long long time before I was okay on that front.

I fell in love with my bullet aka XABF when I was 20. I sat next to him in a huge chemistry class. I couldn't help but notice that when the professor listed the high, low and median grades on the board, XABF would be holding the exam paper with that highest grade. He had lots of scholarships and excelled in school.

Also he came from an alcoholic family with divorced parents. To make it worse, he was an American Indian. Even as young as I was, I knew the odds were not good for him avoiding alcoholism. Five years later, he started taking meth and I left him. Still the hardest thing I have ever done. I was pretty sure he would die and that I would die with him if I stayed.

I had always been interested in language and when I left him I went to South America to visit a friend. It was there that I first acquired a facility in Spanish that I have to this day (not fluent but I can get along). I went on to get a masters in education. With this I have taught in some of the most amazing countries: Burma, Bahrain, and Mexico. I also worked in Puerto Rico.

I have never married but spent several years being a stay-at-home Aunt with my two young nephews. I'm very much a family woman so am involved in caring for my parents who are in a facility.

My XABF, is actually a bit of a miracle. He did a lot of what you would expect. He had several children with several different women. Continued to use Meth and progressed to armed robbery and dealing drugs. Fortunately he was arrested and spent three years in jail. After that, he never used again mainly because of his children but also because he had something of a faith and a profession he could return to.

I don't know if this is codie thinking or not but I have played with the idea that I might have helped his recovery by getting the heck-out-of the way so he could hit bottom and figure it out. I know this is really none of my business but I do like to think each of us affects the world in some subtle and powerful way when we take a step so very hard and so very right.

nicegirlwny

I couldn't agree more. For me, every minute that goes by feels more balanced, more relaxed, and that can't be a bad thing for anyone. All the bad energy radiating from unhappy, frustrated people keeps us all a little down, I think. I'm radiating power and peace today, no matter what my broken heart us trying to whisper in my ear. Hope you are too!

Liveitwell

^ great words....that is an awesome attitude to have! Yes, misery loves company....you will not be miserable-you will have peace and freedom.
Hugs!

nicegirlwny

Of course, no decent day goes unpunished. My bullet is quacking tonight via text. Just advised to f#@× myself. He's doing that to himself at the bar, I'd imagine. Asked him to stop contacting me, this isn't how I want to remember him. I don't think he'll be able to restrain himself for long.

Liveitwell

^ you need to block him, period. This is what they do. Yes, he's fudging himself by getting wasted at a bar...and projecting his self hate onto you. Don't take it! It ain't yours.

nicegirlwny

I am just devastated. He had no courage to end it with love, like a man, like the fearless decorated war hero he is, the man of character I knew, and now he's spewing all this hatred toward me. I know I don't deserve it, but it hurts. The first time he went through detox, his heart stopped. He would have died if he wasn't at the rehab. Now he's drinking again, alone, and I am terrified I'll read about him in the paper soon. Turning away feels awful.