Summer Camp aka More fun with an alcoholic psychopath
 

Shocking as I am sure this will be... (not!) xAH has decided to interfere with the kids' ability to attend summer camp... and he is acting like the insane psycho he is.

I received a totally unexpected letter over the weekend stating that the girls had been gifted a scholarship to attend a local overnight camp. This is not something I could EVER provide for them.

So, since I do not have sole decision making power, although I do have primary custody, I emailed their "father" and asked him to weigh in.

Although he does not exercise his parenting time on ANY kind of consistent basis, I am required to continue to make that time available so I knew I could not just say sure to the camp option without his input.

He would "miss" the equivalent of 1 dinner time evening and one overnight with the kids if they went to this camp.

I offered that he could make up the time he would "miss" the following week and pointed out that as much as I would miss the kids being away for that time, I couldn't imagine not letting them have such a cool opportunity.

For the record, his insanity in his reply about wanting to take the kids away for a week is NOT an option. The MAX he gets is an overnight due to the parenting plan and his on going demonstrated incapacity to stay sober for more than 24 hrs.

Oh and the insanity about ranting about DD10 and her eating is something he's been commenting to her about a lot lately-- DD10 weight 68 lbs and is 4'8. She's a string bean and a runner and healthy as a horse. But he has now started to mock her on the occassions he does see her by making her feel she is unhealthy and telling her she will get fat eating the way she does.... Seriously- he is deranged.

His reply (sent late last night- drinking while writing it no doubt) follows:

WTBH, why do u spend so much of ur time finding new ways 2 f up my time with the girls? U want them to grow up like u? Alone, old, angry, no one wants u, man hater. U make it so hard for me to be with them and u love it. U f up everyone u touch and u are a bad mother to the girls. Do u know that DD10 only wants 2 eat carbs and sugar? U r abusing her since you do not make her eat right. Maybe I want to take them away for a week in summer or have them come live with me and now u have thrown up more barriers to my having time with my kids. U think they are ur objects to control. They are mine 2. No f ing way to camp. And do not ask me again. And I bet this is some weird religion camp so that u can pretend at church to b a good person when we all know what u really are. Old, hag, alone, stuck in (insert the name of my town here) hehehe. Look at urself in the mirror. U r pathetic. Ur email shows me u are trying interfere with my parenting time and this will b a court issue.

Needless to say, I am sending the girls to camp. He can take me to court if he wants. And I am grateful to him for being insane enough to put that sort of psychotic reply in writing.

Good. Heavens.

You know I have tried to evolve beyond this but...WTBH, I...hate your ex SO much.

The fact that I need to "check" with everyone here to be sure that this reaction by him is truly as insane as I think it is, probably says a lot about how brainwashed I became over time...

There is MORE than a little part of me that feels like maybe I am the one who is unreasonable to be asking him to allow the kids to go to camp...

It's very very hard for me, all joking aside, to totally trust my instincts because he did for years and continues to do still, a bang up job of making ME feel crazy for making totally reasonable and sane requests...

Legally I had to run it by him as he gets to have a say I suppose, but I have them 99% of the time so I am opting that they will go and he can have his temper tantrum all he likes.

You and me both, SK. This man is despicable.

I'm happy for you that he keeps putting this insanity into writing. It blows my mind that his ego is so caught up with insulting you that he can't see how he's digging his own hole. What a waste of your time & energy to have to go through this for every. little. thing.!!

wantobehealthy.....What were you thinking? Seriously?.....
You gave him an inch...and, he proceeded, predictably, to take a mile.....again....

What you did was like opening your front door and inviting the bear to come in......

the most you should have done was give him some advance notice that the girls were going to camp and the dates......
If he wants to take that to court---let him. I don't know of any judge could find that you were improper in any way. This is a life enrichment for the girls......
It, in no way interferes with his ability to be a father to his kids......

He is a paper tiger.....
Try not to shudder every time he speaks.....

(normally, I am not so blunt---but, I figure that we know each other by now....lol...

dandylion

I'm awarding him five gold stars in insanity, an A+ in verbal abuse.

I thought I hated my X, but I hate yours more.

He is a deranged psychopath. I am so so sorry you have to deal with him. I hope they have a wonderful time at camp, I would send them as well.

What a creep. You are a wonderful mother and person, never, ever, believe any of the crap he spews.

Sending lots of love and hugs!

Yikes. WTBH....he sounds....wait....where have I heard most of those same words before ?! From my ex!

What an idiot your ex is. I'm SOOO sorry he's this way but you do not need to keep that door open. You're doing what you need to do and he is not.
What a total waste of space.

Wow. I'm rarely at a loss for words but I will say this...summer camp is great for kids- I think it's wonderful that you have been given this opportunity for your girls. It sounds like you plan on sending them despite his protestations-- good for you. And like dandy said, let him take you to court if he objects..

He sounds like a desperately unhappy sack of crap to communicate to another human being like that, esp. to the mother of his children. I'm so sorry.

Seriously sending prayers he finds someone quickly-someone new to take his attention off of you. Hugs, again friend.

Wow - yes, thank God his mental capacity afforded him the opportunity to put his nature in writing. That may be helpful in court! Peace to you - so glad you are removed from him. Never, NEVER question yourself regarding his craziness!

Holy...there really aren't any words...

Sending you a hug.

Wow. So sorry you have to deal with his craziness, but you're right...it's good to get as much as you can in writing. And I'm glad you're letting your girls go. I'm sure they will have an amazing time!

He has joint (on paper at least) decision making rights. He is looking for ANY opportunity to say I am not adhering to the parenting plan so I thought long and hard before I posed it as "offer your two cents".

I truly, legally, do not have the option to simply dictate (even though I fully intend to send the girls). It's worth the momentary insults from him to know that I am complying fully with the court order.

He has virtually zero actual parenting time but the court stuck with the standard shared decision making (this was one of the concessions I made to settle this vs a long trial).

I totally hear you though that I gave him an in to insult me... I guess it's a matter of choosing my poison. I set myself up to be insulted by complying with the court orders or I just make the decision alone and set myself up for him to file more frivolous contempt motions...

It's sort of a matter of what's the least of two evils.

And he continues to dig his own grave and eventually all of this WILL be used by me to ensure that he LOSES his decision making rights....

WTBH -

This sounds like abuse on his part, of you and your children. Verbal abuse can be every bit as bad as physical abuse. Domestic violence centers are for our support. As I'm more open to help and support, I'm finding it in more places and have been so glad for it. It's a relief to not have to do everything myself and shoulder the whole load. Stress is something I've long been accustomed to. I'm getting new awareness of how much stress my body carries and how it impacts me.

I hear you on this! There may be some gray areas between those two places.

Even simple emails I am now making a draft and having someone who is further along with their recovery review or word for me. It's been a huge help. I can focus better on the task instead of going around in what-ifs. Some of these things I know how to do, but they weren't working well for me. I'm getting curious about how others handle things, asking questions and seeing new ways modeled for me.

Baby steps. It seems like you're doing quite well. When looking back a year ago, do you see progress in your life? (((hugs)))

So sorry for the stress, WTBH. If I didn't know AXH was the only boy in his family, I'd swear our ex's were brothers. Right down to the derogatory comments about the camp. AXH was constantly going on that DS's school was a "hippy, tree-hugging, religious nut group".

I had a chance to take DS on an all-expenses paid trip to Rarotonga the summer I filed for divorce. Literally, all DS and I had to do was pack and show up at the airport - OK, we'd've had to get passports updated, too, but that's it. It was with family, so it's not like it was with a new beau or anything, but AXH threw a fit, because he'd miss one weekend under the temporary schedule. He was so angry that I didn't even bring it up during the hearing. However, he asked that I be required to get his approval for any trips I took DS on, even if they didn't impact his visits. The judge kindly pointed out that he had just volunteered to give up legal custody.

And I completely understand the need to double check the crazy-meter.

Everything in your post brings on an urge to kick your AXH in the shins, but the stuff he's telling your daughter about her weight is downright despicable. Sending hugs and wishing you continued strength.

It's really crazy sad that something as insane as these antics of xAH's aren't all that far off from what so many others have dealt with too...

And yeah all his insults of me are shrug off able, as is his BS about claiming he won't allow camp.

But making a 10 yr old string bean, healthy kid who actually can kick her dad's a$$ in any given 5 or 10 k road race, feel like CRAP about herself bc of his nasty comments about food and weight-- well, that stuff makes me want to physically hurt him.

Friend-you know what my ex has done. Same thing-verbally abused his own daughter making her doubt her own purpose here on earth by slandering her to her face. Among other disgusting things. I feel you....I do understand your pain and feelings. 100%.

WTBH don't you have a pending contempt appearance against him? When is that Court date?

I can't imagine life with this person. Can you move to another state? Another country?

i swear there have been times when i've thought - she HAS to be making this up! and my "getting more jaded by the minute" belief in our "justice" system says there is no way courts would allow this!!!?

there has to be a solution......somewhere, someway, somehow.

for me summer camp was the BEST ever. for my daughter YMCA camp was the BEST ever - she met some of her lifelong friends there. and horse camp. wonderful life experiences.....without the influence of either parent.....allowed to explore and experience and sing camp songs around the fire.

i am 56 and i still know ALL the words to the official camp song at the Flying Horseshoe (Tee-an-away):

There is a grand dude ranch down in Teanaway Valley....
where deer and elk are playing right near my front door
oh how i wish i was there again
back in Teanaway Valley,
that's where my worried heart would trouble me no more

there's only one thing that ever brings me consolation
and that's the dream that i'll be going back some day

so every night upon my knees
i pray the lord to please take me
back to that Flying Horseshoe Ranch in Teanaway

I'm going back to Teanaway
I'm going back to stay
No place on earth to me is worth
That ranch in Teanaway
Ole!

make sure the girls get THEIR camp song........

and I DO BELIEVE YOU!!!!

What an idiot. Can't wait IF this would ever make it to court how laughable it would be. He's a joke!

^ Yes, truly a joke.

I can assure you I am NOT making up any of this... I live in a state where the presumption is 50/50 custody (physical) and even parents who are jailed do not automatically get their parental rights, even decision making, terminated... It's insane.

About a year ago while there were pending criminal charges against him, a criminal investigation bc of child abuse and Child Protective Services involvement, I paid an exorbitant amount of money to have my lawyer make motion after motion about his BS behavior, the endless texts, the never quite crossing the line but totally inappropriate stuff.

I fought SO hard to end his ability to do this all and thought if ever there were a time, it would be when he had MULTIPLE pending charges against him.

His lawyer brought in a psychologist (who I had never met) who stated I have Borderline Personality Disorder (judge at that time called BS on the whole testimony and made the psychologist look like a moron but the damage to MY psyche was done by then), brought in a retired detective from the police dept saying that the pending charges were just that, pending (the retired detective was a pal of xAH's) and the judge was totally skeptical and gave xAH a tongue lashing about his temper but dismissed ALL the motions, told us both to learn to get along for the sake of the kids etc....

A week after that, xAH through his lawyer filed a motion to re-open parenting, alleged that I made false claims to get him arrested and to try and keep the kids from him... there was a hearing on THAT too... I had to defend myself then too.

Again, there was nothing valid to what he said BUT the judge on our case (who has since retired) was known for her obsessive like focus on "father's rights"

So after that, I've been AFRAID to look like I am filing anything frivolous etc...

The judicial system is subjective, capricious and narcissistic psychopaths fare well when a judge doesn't know the WHOLE story...

So, maybe I am wrong to not take him to court for all his on going crap, but he THRIVES on making me fear what he will pull legally and I do not want to spend the next 10 years fighting him over parenting.

There is no limitation on how often he can ask the court to re consider parenting, so I could spend my life going to court- however frivolous his crap...

I don't know if that makes any sense...

After he basically got away with physically battering DD10 (9 at the time) because he alleged it was "corporal punishment" and my state allows that, I realized I had NO hope of the legal system allowing me to protect the kids beyond what I have in my current parenting plan...

I do not think that he will ever lose decision making rights... My state is royally F'ed up is the bottom line...

He filed contempt against me. The judge dismissed it (refused to set a hearing for it) after reading my response.

I got the notice of that about a week ago. I suspect that's part of his increased insanity...

That and the latest girlfriend who dumped him (according to his rants, if he is to be believed).

So, it's time for him to find a new distraction!

Ugh. My heart goes out to you.

I put up with a lot of crap I should not have to as well. I do it to stay out of court for as long as possible. I get you.

I remember all of his physical abuse. Absolutely horrible. However friend, you have come a very long way since then, don't ever forget that.

Many, many hugs your way!

Heya WTBH. Congrats on doing every thing you can to protect your kids and yourself from this guy even when the court orders are silly.

That was a horrible email. Although I have to admit, it made me laugh as it was just so bad. Thinking that this guy has access to children, sobers me up instantly. Thank you, thank you, thank you, for everything you do to protect your kids.