jalacola

Well, I just don't think I am cut out for this. I can't trust my husband, and he doesn't understand that. He thinks that he deserves my trust, which he completely does NOT. I explained to him that my trust was not lost overnight, nor can it be gained overnight. He stayed in a hotel two nights last week. His children didn't see or hear from him from Wednesday morning until Friday evening. Well, really since Tuesday morning, as they stayed Tuesday with their grandparents. An hour ago, he informs me that he has a company thing tonight and that it isn't mandatory, but he thinks it will be fun. I said that was fine, but that since it will be free (a convention-type thing), he didn't need to take cash out. He spent $340 in the hotel! He got mad at me and knew that I didn't want him to take cash b/c then he could drink and I would never have proof. He said he wanted to valet. Whatever. So, he just tells me that he isn't going, but that he isn't staying with me tonight. I just emailed him telling him that he needs to remember the "for better or worse" part of our marriage b/c I sure as h*ll have stayed around for better or worse. I told him that if I were to just up and leave every time he pissed me off, our children would feel so betrayed. I told him that he can't continue to just take off every time it gets tough. I told him to make a decision right now to stay for good or go for good and if he chooses to go, it will be for good. You know, I am sure my 5 year old son really does feel like when he leaves, he is leaving him as well. But he never gets upset when he is away. It's a relief b/c for once life is calm. So, why am I on the verge of tears? Why am I dreading checking my email, for fear that he will say he would rather leave? I know in my heart that if we split up, I have done EVERYTHING in my power to make this marriage work. Okay, I can't type anymore... I am getting to sad and I still have one more class to teach. I will try to post an update later. OH! And to top it off, my car has a flat. I had to get another ride to school today and he promised to come and get me and go and get the kids and take my car to be fixed. Now I am worried that I am stranded. I feel that I should just assume he isn't coming and ask another teacher to take me to get the kids and take me home.

kfa2004

I'm sorry you are going through all of this. I know how difficult it is. My AH and I have been together for 25 years. We have two teenage children together. My AH is a "mean drunk" and could be verbally and physically abusive. Several months ago he was drunk with his friends in the yard and started yelling and threatening me and breaking things. He scared our daughter very badly. That night he left with his friends and the next day I told him he could not come back until he got himself some help. He was furious but later decided he liked the company of his best friends wife more than mine and our kids. He is now living with his elderly Mother in La still without a job and still with his best friends wife. Needless to say he no longer has a best friend. I still love him very much and still feel the pain of having him stay away but am working through my own issues.

What surprised me was the reaction my kids had to him leaving. They miss him but are pretty OK with him being gone. We play and laugh more now. We talk to each other about things that happen in our days. When I told my son that I had to ask his Dad to leave he said "It is about time Mom. Things were really ridiculous." My daughter had about the same reaction. They have a saying they use all the time "It was his decision to leave us for Debbie and it is his lose." They talk to him once in a while but mostly only when he decides to remember we are still here.

Anyway I just wanted to let you know that many of us understand what you are going through. We make very good listeners. This site has really helped me a lot in the last couple of months.

Hugs
Kat

Alexia

Jala, only you can decide when you've had enough. When the crazy life you live has gotten too crazy. THere's plenty of help out there to get you through it if you do make that decision. Many of us have been there, some got out completely and some are still in, but in a better frame of mind to deal with what comes every day. Because something does come every day.

Best thing you can do is worry about yourself and your kids. Take care of you and you will be able to deal with your situation much better. Al-anon is a great start. There's so many books to read, and counseling helped me a great deal as well.

My situation is far from perfect, but I'm much stronger than I was in April. I actually wish I had finished it for good instead of taking him back (2 months sober) because I was feeling better than I have in over ten years. This is my last try, but I am strong enough now to ignore him and not allow him to mistreat me or treat me like some doormat. When he upsets me, I visit the gym and work it off. (lost 2 sizes since April and have muscles to boot).

We feel for you, and pray for you. Hang in there.

StandingStrong

Sending you hugs and strength

DefofLov

These two comments really stood out to me from your post. Why would you need proof of whether or not he is drinking? It seems unhealthy to me personally to have to know whether he is drinking or not. That seems like a form of co-dependency though I know I could be very wrong.

And your son is definitely affected by both of your behaviors. I do hope you are communicating with your son and helping him to understand that his father is not behaving like a normal and healthy person/father.

Just my two cents...

Peaches04

Hi jalacola. I have to say that I agree with DefofLov on the needing proof that he is drinking matter. It is 100% absolutely a codie thing - I am the number one person guilty of it, in the past. I think what all these wise people are trying to get across to people like you and me is that our 'proof', doesn't matter. All the proof in the world isn't going to make him stop drinking. So, why waste our time and our energy to get it, display it, question about it... it's not worth it for YOU. Say you do get the proof, what then? the same old argument - I KNOW because...He doesn't care if you know! I struggled and still do with this...so believe me, I'm not coming down on you! The thing that drove me absolutely insane, was not being able to let go of showing him that I KNEW! I was not stupid, and I KNEW!... But, I was spinning my wheels and wasting my time - time I could have been spending on me and my children. Just try it..that's what I told myself...just try not worrying and getting proof - what could it hurt? and I am so glad I did! As far as your son... I can relate to that too. My son is a little too young to understand exactly what is going on, so for now I am just paying attention and watching with an objective eye. Are things better when my husbands gone...do my children seem lighter and free -er? How excited are they when he gets home? I'm just 'being still' and taking it all in to help me make my decision. Hope this helps! Hugs!

jalacola

I am completely aware that I am codependent and I HATE it. I have tried to get to al-anon, but every time I plan to go, he has some reason for why he can't keep the kids. He is always willing to keep them if I want to go and have dinner with friends or something b/c he wants me to have "fun" but I think he is afraid of what al-anon will teach me. I just hate when he drinks and "hides" it b/c he makes me feel like crap for questioning him. He tells me how disappointed in me he is b/c I don't trust him. That makes me so furious.

splendra

((((Jalacola))))

None of us are cut out for this cr@p ya know we all hate it.....You can tell your H that you are going out to dinner with friends and go to the meeting and then aferwards go out with who ever is going out to eat often it is the meeting after the meeting that is the best!!!

Are you trying to hold alanon over his head?:nono: Alanon works if you work it not if you use it to try and contrrol him!!!

jalacola

I am not trying to hold it over his head at all. How can I if I can't even get there? I just will ask him if he can watch the kids so I can go to a meeting and there is always an excuse. He knows that I am emotionally attached (co-dependent) to him and I think that he knows that through al-anon, I will try to become detached and that's not what he wants. He doesn't want me on his back, but he sure doesn't like it when I act like I don't care. He wants me to care; just to let him do whatever he wants. But if I care what he does, that's when I get angry b/c it's the drinking he wants. I am fully aware of the 3 Cs. I know that I can't control it and that he has to be willing to stop. I don't think he wants me to better myself if it means pulling away from him and he knows that's what I need.

Peaches04

I think you are absolutely right. It's a horrible position to be in - for all of us. Go to Alanon - don't listen to his excuses for not being able to watch the kids, unless you fear for their safety. Just get your keys and go. If he doesn't like it, he can deal with that...but, do it for you. And this post helps me too - I have children and it's hard for me to get to a meeting too. I did just find out there is one by me every day at lunch, but haven't gone yet. I'm still too raw and afraid I'll cry the whole time, and then have to go back to work... looking like hell. But, I really want to go. I've gone to one and I told my H and he acted like he was happy for me. But, then again - he doesn't think he has a problem, and it's all me. That really sucks!