Kata

Hello everyone,

Today has proven to be a hard day. The anger I have been feeling recently has receded a bit, and today I was hit with waves of sadness.

Today I feel the loss of this love. Because yes, amidst all the alcoholic storm, there was love. Yes, yes there were a lot of problems, and yes his best qualities didn't show often. But he does have good qualities.

Love and good qualities that show themselves once in a while are not enough in light of all the bad stuff, but they were there and they did exist.

And today, it's all I can see. And it hurts.

Today I miss him and I would like nothing than be in his arms. I would love to be at home and cook together and dance in the kitchen.

I miss the man that convinced me to get over my fear of height and jump with him out of a plane flying at 18000 feet.

I miss the man who would walk with me for hours around the city.

And I'm also scared. I'm scared because to my knowledge he still hasn't found a job. And next Tuesday will be his last unemployment check. I'm scared that his situation will deteriorate, that he won't have a place to live. I'm scared because he's not ready to quit drinking. It's his decision, and it's not of my business, but I am scared of where this path will take him.

I'm in pain because I had to get out to save myself, and leave him alone on his path.

It hurts so much to see someone who love destroy himself.

Today, it just hurts.

Priscilla84

It sounds like you had some wonderful times together.

I don't have much by way of advice, because I understand and I feel that kind of pain too. But I admire your strength and wisdom. It's okay to hurt sometimes. Find strength wherever you can, even if today it is just in knowing you're not alone in this.

It makes no sense to see them destroy themselves, and yes, it hurts.

firebolt

(((kata)))

Thank you for sharing. Some days will hurt for a while - of course there were good days! We didn't stay through just a living hell - we latched on to the good days - too much. It's ok to hurt or be uncomfortable, as long as we have the whole picture, reward ourselves for doing what we need to do, and remember our pain and the reasons for what we did are valid.

My ex helped me get back on a motorcycle after a decade hiatus after a bad wreck. He fished and camped with my like no other. He was my best friend. He was funny and brilliant and had depth. He was adventurous and appreciated nature. He called me beautiful and his soul mate.

I loved all that. So, so much.

The same man went on crazed verbal rampages, sometimes tearing things off the walls. He bagged out on important family events to drink. He neglected 2 children to drink. He could not take care of me when I was hurt or sick. He couldn't drive anywhere after 5 - many days much earlier. He was very, very selfish. He was angry a lot. He blamed me - a lot. Little problems were huge atrocities to him. He could not love or support me as I need from a partner when it really mattered. Towards the end, he lied, was delusional, hateful and vengeful.

I fear he'll drive his motorcycle drunk and kill himself and or someone else. I fear he'll get drunk and neglect his dog. I worry that the progression of his alcoholism will be too much for him to overcome.

I am sorry you are hurting today. We have 2 film reels in our heads and hearts about the relationship. Remember to play BOTH on days like today - and take care of yourself well. Friends have helped me a lot - reading, and redirecting my focus to my health, and what actually makes me happy in solitude. Grief is OK - NORMAL - HEALTHY! Lots of love to you.

Liveitwell

Kata-I had my life's best memories with my ex. Truly. But the worst, too. The absolute worst. And it just kept getting worse. I want to let you know that I understand your feelings-under all anger is sadness....it's normal for sadness to arrive when anger subsides. But you will be ok. Big hugs to you, friend.

Liveitwell

Btw-Firebolt-you eloquently described my relationship and love with my ex as well. Perfectly, word for word, minus the motorcycle. thank you for your words and sharing.

Liveitwell

And finally, it's ok and healthy to say "I'm hurting". It beats the hell out of the alternative of getting drunk to deal with it/like our A's did.

Ok, last post

Kata

Thank you all for the support. It means a lot to me!

Today has been hard, and I'm sure other days will to. So I dealt it the only way I know how. I cried, I wrote, and when that wasn't enough, I went to a krav maga practice.

I suspect the end of this relationship will have me in top shape in no time! There's always a simver lining.

Now I'm physically exhausted. I don't think I have more tears in me today. I'll be able to get a good night sleep.

Liveitwell

Sleep well, friend.

Kata

Firebolt, thank you for sharing your story. As awful as it seems, it's "horror stories" like those I read here that I've helped the most in strenghtening my resolve. They've helped see that no amount of hoping or thinking that " no, but my A is different" would make it better. That my A was indeed like any other A.

It is also a comfort to see that the same people that went through hell do also acknowledge and remember the good times. It helps to see that I'm not the only one who's a bit confused by the fact that some of my best and worst memories are linked to the same man.

The think that hurts the most, and you must've all have felt it, is to have to stop "helping" soemone you love. it's so heartbreaking to turn tour back on someone when you know where they're headed, when you know the end result won't be pretty.
It makes me feel selfish sometimes... But then I remember the fist and most important rule: you have to save yourself first...

So, i'm saving myself.

Bekindalways

^^^^ This a million times Kata. And it is why I don't judge folks that stay in the relationship as it is just so, so, so, so difficult to do what you are doing.

To me, what you are doing is a form of true love: you are accepting him for who he is and allowing him to be that way and you are accepting yourself as a person who can't walk the path he will walk. You are practicing a transformational kind of love.

Kata

If only he could see it that way. But sadly, he doesn't, and probably never will, unless he decides to quit drinking and does the work.
But that is his choice to make.

How do you deal with that? How to you make peace with that feeling of turning your back on a loved one? For now, it feels like knowing I'm doing the right thing for me (and for him in a way) isn't enough to be at peace... I don't know how to explain that feeling. I'm not second guessing my decision. It's not really a case of the what-ifs, or thinking that if i had just gave it one more shot maybe it would've work. It's more like anxiety and fear of what will happen to him.

I cannot control what he does, just as he can't control my actions.

Is there something I can do to let go of the fear of what will happen to him?

Liveitwell

Give him to God (or your higher power)....pray for him. Praying is the best thing to do! Pray his eyes be opened by whatever means necessary.

firebolt

I agree - pray and hope the best for him - from a safe distance.

OH - this helped me - when I turned my perception of my "role" in his life. I USED to think I was helping him - by bitching about his drinking, asking for sober days from him, nagging him to lay off. I though this was helping him drink less - right?!

Wrong...

I was only impeding the progression of his disease. I was actually prolonging the suffering for both of us. How do many alcoholics finally turn to recovery? They hit rock bottom. I just slowed him down from hitting his. Now that I'm not there creating road bumps on the way to his drinking downfall, he may actually have a chance of hitting bottom and getting better. Check out the alcoholism side of this board - see how many people credit a love leaving them as part of what led them to recovery.

Bekindalways

I have heard that some Sober Alcoholics state the best thing anyone did for them was to stop putting up with their $hite. As firebolt says above, the best we can do is get out of their way so they can hit bottom (this is hoping against hope that they have a bottom).

When I was going through this time period, I actually lost my ability to pray for awhile. My God at that time was a warm, fuzzy, Santa type who would never let something like this happen.

I started praying again when I left my qualifier. I thought if I allowed myself to think about him once a day I wouldn't think about him ALL the time. The decrease in thinking didn't work but I did start praying again. I prayed that God would bring him whatever would benefit him; in doing this, I slowly came to realize that I wasn't a benefit to him at all. It was very humbling. I still have all these hero-helper-saviour fantasies but now I laugh at them rather than dance to them.

Kata, if you are not a believer can you try thinking of him, you and his addiction as a force of nature that you have no power over?

Keep posting lady and I hope the pain lets up every now and then.