Liveitwell

^ TU....word for word same thing. Come to think of it every single thing my ex joked about actually was true...all of it. All his demons and insecurities were in those jokes-trying to cover th with humor. It was slow and insidious and just downright awful-and being away from it-holy crap batman, it's horrible sometimes to see how closed my eyes were. The jokes were not jokes at all-it was the real him, his demons were in those jokes.

theuncertainty

You know, FOG, I don't think our eyes were closed - more like we were looking elsewhere. They're so good at misdirection. "*This* isn't the problem, look *here*. You just misunderstood." Along the lines of your post about being a survivor: They say "You misunderstood" so we start looking at how we reacted and how we behaved, to analyze, maybe.....

Flavia2

But very confused....my (stb)xah/narcissist ? If i ever get the guts to be more than separated (i know so pathetic! Please bear with me y'all)

He actually seems to adore mommy/ was his best friend growing up?? But absolutely very "joke-y" and pushy. Mostly in a very charming way, unless you say no or need something then- watch out! Super vicious.

But has hurt his mom deeply by freezing her out. Has made sure Im no part of his life, even though he does still provide financial support. Don"t expect that much longer, tbh.

Has completely convinced the kids he's a prince & that problems are as much my fault as his.

Btw, dd found Oxy pills when she was visiting (prescribed) and now I wonder. Was the problem not just alcohol??

I know, more will be revealed. I dont want to see how badly this ends

Liveitwell

Flavia-yep, seems like more than just alcohol...but that's always the case. The alcoholism just masks deeper pain...which is the root of the problem. Praying for you!!! (If you need to talk to someone about mommy issues, PM me-my exs mother was also his best friend-along with big sissy-bc they let him do whatever he wants with no accountability, morals and boundaries were never there and rescuing and enabling were the main components of the relationship. I could write a book!)

Flavia2

Thanks, FOG. It's terrible, so embarrassing how dependent I am. Working, but not making nearly enough to support myself. Kids are (for the most part) grown (college age, and so will not receive anything for them).

Even though he makes 8x what I do, I have a degree and will receive alimony for maybe 1-2 years according to my lawyer. Until I can "get on my feet" but that seems impossible at 52.

I'll PM you with the rest

It will be nice to hear your perspective on the creepy mom issues.

spadge

Did we all have the same mother in law?

My narcissistic exah hated his mum. When I had children I found out why! She never wanted to him to grow up! He is still a child trapped in an adult's body.

Good riddance I say

FireSprite

With RAH, it was less about his inner demons coming out in passive-aggressive jokes, and more about taking the easy way out mentally. You never have to think too hard or dig too deeply that way, it was another way he avoided reality/feelings. He joked too much about everything, it was too much a part of his regular communication.

I tended to feel torn between dishonoring myself by accepting his rotten joke/dig just to end it OR defend myself & get ridiculed for not "being able to take a joke, geez!" & aggravate the situation into spiraling even further.

The sad part was that he had a really good sense of humor but that got lost/diluted when he hid behind it that way, so I completely stopped appreciating it at all.

ETS: This is actually a perfect example of a behavior that simply quitting drinking did NOT fix, because it was another one of his methods of avoidance. This is something that came up in the crossover of having 2 people in a relationship working at recovery & he had to actively listen, hear me & work toward change/compromise.

Liveitwell

Spadge-my ex is still a child trapped in an adults body a well. Literally. And from what I saw enough of she was quite happy with her boys staying in their nest with mommy and not speaking their wings and flying-she outright blamed me for taking her son away from her-one of the many reasons she didn't like me along with me being a runner (huh?!), me working, me not letting her baby boy get drunk whenever he wabted to, the list was endless. My ex on many drunk occasions told me he wished I was like his momma bc she let him do whatever he wabted.-like staring into the eyes of a five year old. Sad thing was that he talked some about his issues with his mom and sissy-he knew he had issues. I asked him to talk to someone about them ( not ne!!!) and get to the bottom of them bc they were undermining our marriage and his relationship with his own children. Saying something and doing something are two very different things. Yes, good riddance to the disease riddled family.

FireSprite-thanks for your words-another example of the drinking just being the tip of the iceberg-and the underlying behavioral problems thst have to be addressed to be in true recovery. The drinking is just the outward thing - it's the thoughts and behaviors changing that bring about lasting recovery.....for an A...or an abuser....and for us as well or we may relapse just like they may we really are the same in so many ways.

FireSprite

These threads also help me see that while there are often crazy similarities, there are also big differences when you are dealing with a true narcissist. That adds a whole 'nother level of inanity!

Liveitwell

Yes, 0's all around :/