Alcoholic Sister - Am I Wrong?
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Alcoholic Sister - Am I Wrong?
Apologize in advance for the long post.
So I logged back onto this account for the first time in a long while last night. I first began posting in July 2014, after finding out that my sister, from whom I was previously estranged, was an alcoholic. We were close growing up, but had lost our relationship and I thought that by providing my love and support, we could be close again. I also thought that, like most loved ones who are bystanders to an active addict, I could love her well.
What I was not prepared for was how much my sister had changed, how she is virtually unidentifiable from the girl I grew up with, who I was so close to. I have mourned that loss, and now it’s as though she, in my mind, has split into two – the younger her, and the now her. I understand that her changes are not solely related to alcoholism – we had a lot of **** from our parents, and she was basically abandoned by them. But I also think there is a point in time where you stop blaming your parents and you become accountable for your own actions.
When I first started speaking again, way back in 2014, she and her husband were on the brink of divorce. They still are, but now, there is a baby there. He’s almost a year old. And his mother is still drinking. The longest she has been sober was her pregnancy, and even then she had a slip up. He was born last April, and for at least once a month since then, like clockwork, there is a major issue related to her drinking. She was arrested last July (2015) for domestic abuse, but those charges were dropped.
Each time she goes on one of her drinking benders – and though I believe she drinks often, the only times there is tangible proof is when she is caught – she does the same thing: her husband asks her if she is drinking; she lies; he threatens her to take the baby and leave the next day if she doesn’t tell the truth; she says she drank; she cries and cries and says how much she wants the baby to have a happy life and then proceeds like nothing happened. She’s stopped going to AA meetings. I used to bring up rehab, and it was always the same – it is unrealistic to expect her to drop everything to go to rehab and that ppl who have jobs and a family can’t do that. A couple of times when she’s had to go to AA meetings, her husband has asked her to do something else so she can’t go – and I don’t think she’s lying here b/c my mother was there once, he’s actually asked her to skip meetings and go do an errand for him.
So when she was especially down, when we had just begun talking again, I shared something very shameful about myself to help her understand she is not alone. She told her husband. They wrote letters to someone close to me about this and mailed it, and then she told me, so I could get the letter before the person received it. I stopped talking to her husband after that, and I warned her that if she ever did anything like that again, I would not stand for it and she would no longer have me.
She was drunk when I spoke to her about a month and a half ago, and she said horrible things to me and did what I warned her never to do again. I cut off most contact – no phone calls, and brief texts about the baby. My useless mother called me yesterday to tell me that she was drinking and driving with the baby the day before and then, like she always does, makes it about herself, and talks badly about my sister. There is a lot to talk badly of, but when my mother does it – is not out of concern. It is out of gossip.
I haven’t called my sister, and my bf thinks I should. I do not want to call my sister. I barely tolerate my toxic parents. I do not need my sister’s toxicity as well. It was nice not having a first row seat to her latest melt down. I know how this is going to go, anyway – she’s crying now, but it’s the same thing – she can’t go to rehab and it will happen again. I don’t want to be there for that. I feel guilty, though – am I abandoning her? What if I am not there for her and she dies or something? But she’s so toxic that I don’t want to be around her.
I keep a semi-diary online on my email account. I first started when she was drinking, and I was beside myself with worry. I went back and read it – for two years almost, my sister’s issues have consumed me. It’s not fair to me. It’s not fair to my bf. I don’t want to do that again, especially when she is so ungrateful. And, most importantly, especially when she doesn’t want to stop. I think that’s it – I know alcoholism is a disease, but stopping is a choice, right? If you want something bad enough, you will take lifelines and try to stop. She doesn’t even try to stop. She won’t go to meetings, she won’t entertain rehab. She doesn’t want to stop. She won’t even try to stop – she’s not someone who wants to stop but doesn’t know how. She doesn’t try. I don’t want this around me anymore. Is this wrong? Am I horrible if I do not speak to her again until she is sober?
So I logged back onto this account for the first time in a long while last night. I first began posting in July 2014, after finding out that my sister, from whom I was previously estranged, was an alcoholic. We were close growing up, but had lost our relationship and I thought that by providing my love and support, we could be close again. I also thought that, like most loved ones who are bystanders to an active addict, I could love her well.
What I was not prepared for was how much my sister had changed, how she is virtually unidentifiable from the girl I grew up with, who I was so close to. I have mourned that loss, and now it’s as though she, in my mind, has split into two – the younger her, and the now her. I understand that her changes are not solely related to alcoholism – we had a lot of **** from our parents, and she was basically abandoned by them. But I also think there is a point in time where you stop blaming your parents and you become accountable for your own actions.
When I first started speaking again, way back in 2014, she and her husband were on the brink of divorce. They still are, but now, there is a baby there. He’s almost a year old. And his mother is still drinking. The longest she has been sober was her pregnancy, and even then she had a slip up. He was born last April, and for at least once a month since then, like clockwork, there is a major issue related to her drinking. She was arrested last July (2015) for domestic abuse, but those charges were dropped.
Each time she goes on one of her drinking benders – and though I believe she drinks often, the only times there is tangible proof is when she is caught – she does the same thing: her husband asks her if she is drinking; she lies; he threatens her to take the baby and leave the next day if she doesn’t tell the truth; she says she drank; she cries and cries and says how much she wants the baby to have a happy life and then proceeds like nothing happened. She’s stopped going to AA meetings. I used to bring up rehab, and it was always the same – it is unrealistic to expect her to drop everything to go to rehab and that ppl who have jobs and a family can’t do that. A couple of times when she’s had to go to AA meetings, her husband has asked her to do something else so she can’t go – and I don’t think she’s lying here b/c my mother was there once, he’s actually asked her to skip meetings and go do an errand for him.
So when she was especially down, when we had just begun talking again, I shared something very shameful about myself to help her understand she is not alone. She told her husband. They wrote letters to someone close to me about this and mailed it, and then she told me, so I could get the letter before the person received it. I stopped talking to her husband after that, and I warned her that if she ever did anything like that again, I would not stand for it and she would no longer have me.
She was drunk when I spoke to her about a month and a half ago, and she said horrible things to me and did what I warned her never to do again. I cut off most contact – no phone calls, and brief texts about the baby. My useless mother called me yesterday to tell me that she was drinking and driving with the baby the day before and then, like she always does, makes it about herself, and talks badly about my sister. There is a lot to talk badly of, but when my mother does it – is not out of concern. It is out of gossip.
I haven’t called my sister, and my bf thinks I should. I do not want to call my sister. I barely tolerate my toxic parents. I do not need my sister’s toxicity as well. It was nice not having a first row seat to her latest melt down. I know how this is going to go, anyway – she’s crying now, but it’s the same thing – she can’t go to rehab and it will happen again. I don’t want to be there for that. I feel guilty, though – am I abandoning her? What if I am not there for her and she dies or something? But she’s so toxic that I don’t want to be around her.
I keep a semi-diary online on my email account. I first started when she was drinking, and I was beside myself with worry. I went back and read it – for two years almost, my sister’s issues have consumed me. It’s not fair to me. It’s not fair to my bf. I don’t want to do that again, especially when she is so ungrateful. And, most importantly, especially when she doesn’t want to stop. I think that’s it – I know alcoholism is a disease, but stopping is a choice, right? If you want something bad enough, you will take lifelines and try to stop. She doesn’t even try to stop. She won’t go to meetings, she won’t entertain rehab. She doesn’t want to stop. She won’t even try to stop – she’s not someone who wants to stop but doesn’t know how. She doesn’t try. I don’t want this around me anymore. Is this wrong? Am I horrible if I do not speak to her again until she is sober?
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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Have you tried Alanon?
It's really, really easy to get sucked into a sibling's alcoholic drama, especially if you're a "fixer."
But you've done all anyone can, particularly since it sounds like her husband is sabotaging her as well.
As for your mom, the next time you hear that your sister is driving drunk with the baby, tell her to call 911 or do it yourself. The baby is the innocent party in all of this and needs to be protected. Hard, I know, but your sister is endangering everyone on the road as well as the baby and herself.
It's easy to hear the pain and frustration you're experiencing. At some point, you have to focus on your own life and let theirs be what it is.
Sending you a hug.
It's really, really easy to get sucked into a sibling's alcoholic drama, especially if you're a "fixer."
But you've done all anyone can, particularly since it sounds like her husband is sabotaging her as well.
As for your mom, the next time you hear that your sister is driving drunk with the baby, tell her to call 911 or do it yourself. The baby is the innocent party in all of this and needs to be protected. Hard, I know, but your sister is endangering everyone on the road as well as the baby and herself.
It's easy to hear the pain and frustration you're experiencing. At some point, you have to focus on your own life and let theirs be what it is.
Sending you a hug.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 20
So I posted a long and detailed reply to you and then of course my post was lost- I'll just give you the cliff notes version . I have a sister who is also an alcoholic (me and my other sibs are in recovery) and what has saved my sanity was learning what my boundaries were between myself and the active A's/toxic people in my life. I did this with the help of intensive therapy and the AA/Al-anon programs.
Your sister will not get recovery until she hits her own bottom. If you know that your sister is driving under the influence with her child in the car, call the police. I'm so so sorry you are dealing with this. I am hoping too that someday my sister gets better. But until then, I've gotta just focus on me.
Your sister will not get recovery until she hits her own bottom. If you know that your sister is driving under the influence with her child in the car, call the police. I'm so so sorry you are dealing with this. I am hoping too that someday my sister gets better. But until then, I've gotta just focus on me.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
When we go no contact with the A’s in our lives in order to bring about calm and peace to ourselves there is nothing wrong with that at all. Our trouble is that even though we may not have a front row seat we often remain in the theater. (Stories about her from your mom)
I think your boyfriend’s encouraging you to contact your sister has stirred up that old guilt we carry around. Don’t let that re-engage you into a situation that he knows little about. He doesn’t know or understand what you’ve witnessed and experienced firsthand.
I would continue no contact with your sister and then begin working on disengaging from conversations about her with your mother.
I think your boyfriend’s encouraging you to contact your sister has stirred up that old guilt we carry around. Don’t let that re-engage you into a situation that he knows little about. He doesn’t know or understand what you’ve witnessed and experienced firsthand.
I would continue no contact with your sister and then begin working on disengaging from conversations about her with your mother.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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It's hard sometimes to wrap my head around the idea that just because someone is family does not mean I'm not allowed to have boundaries with them. We don't always get to have the people we love in our life, whether because of circumstance or because having them in our lives is unhealthy for us and holds us back. You have to do what is best for you; sacrificing your well-being will not save someone who does not want to be saved.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 10
Thank you all so much for your responses. Sometimes, you feel like you are the only one with such messed up family, but then there are others out there just like you, which is both sad and comforting.
I texted her about the baby yesterday to see how he was and told her that the baby needed her and that I hope she gets the help she needs. She texted back only thanks. I’m not even sure why I texted that – she will not get help, and she will not do anything to try to stop drinking. I think my guilt is tied into that – oftentimes, like on Intervention, there are ppl who are forced into rehab and recovery who end up being sober when initially, they never wanted to stop. My guilt stems form that – she doesn’t want to stop, and we are not doing anything to help her. I am out of state, so I am limited in what I can do. My mother won’t do anything – she falls back on the fact that she can’t change my sister, which, while true, is the easy way out for her. She has never been supportive, and has only been selfish, always taking the easy way out for herself regardless of what was best for her 2 kids. Anyway – are we supposed to stage an intervention and force her into rehab? Sadly, I don’t think we could ever do that b/c the ppl around her don’t care enough, or, if they do care, it is too much of a stigma.
Anyway – I keep thinking of the old saying – insanity is doing the same thing over and over and hoping for a different result. I did that for a year and a half and can’t do it anymore. She has had so many rock bottoms. Or, better put, so many instances that, if it were me, would be my rock bottom. She may die, I know, but how do you help someone who does not want to stop or want the help?
To those of you who ask about the baby and the father – they tell me about the driving and drinking with the baby after it happens, because they are afraid that if I know, I will do something. She is the primary breadwinner, and I do not like the father. I have only been around the baby once when he was first born, so I don’t know what sort of father he is. I don’t like him at all, and I am afraid my opinion of him colors my view of him as a father. Both her husband and my mother lied for her – CPS came after her arrest, and they interviewed both and they lied and said she was in treatment and attending therapy. They will never put me down as a contact because I have told them straight out that I will not lie for her.
I think back to my first post, when I was so firm that she wanted to stop drinking because she told me and I 100% believed her, and now I laugh at that.
Thank you again. I am sorry that we all have to deal with this.
I texted her about the baby yesterday to see how he was and told her that the baby needed her and that I hope she gets the help she needs. She texted back only thanks. I’m not even sure why I texted that – she will not get help, and she will not do anything to try to stop drinking. I think my guilt is tied into that – oftentimes, like on Intervention, there are ppl who are forced into rehab and recovery who end up being sober when initially, they never wanted to stop. My guilt stems form that – she doesn’t want to stop, and we are not doing anything to help her. I am out of state, so I am limited in what I can do. My mother won’t do anything – she falls back on the fact that she can’t change my sister, which, while true, is the easy way out for her. She has never been supportive, and has only been selfish, always taking the easy way out for herself regardless of what was best for her 2 kids. Anyway – are we supposed to stage an intervention and force her into rehab? Sadly, I don’t think we could ever do that b/c the ppl around her don’t care enough, or, if they do care, it is too much of a stigma.
Anyway – I keep thinking of the old saying – insanity is doing the same thing over and over and hoping for a different result. I did that for a year and a half and can’t do it anymore. She has had so many rock bottoms. Or, better put, so many instances that, if it were me, would be my rock bottom. She may die, I know, but how do you help someone who does not want to stop or want the help?
To those of you who ask about the baby and the father – they tell me about the driving and drinking with the baby after it happens, because they are afraid that if I know, I will do something. She is the primary breadwinner, and I do not like the father. I have only been around the baby once when he was first born, so I don’t know what sort of father he is. I don’t like him at all, and I am afraid my opinion of him colors my view of him as a father. Both her husband and my mother lied for her – CPS came after her arrest, and they interviewed both and they lied and said she was in treatment and attending therapy. They will never put me down as a contact because I have told them straight out that I will not lie for her.
I think back to my first post, when I was so firm that she wanted to stop drinking because she told me and I 100% believed her, and now I laugh at that.
Thank you again. I am sorry that we all have to deal with this.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Nottingham UK
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"Intervention" might be great drama, but it makes me cringe. At one level, I feel uncomfortable for the person getting ganged up on by the whole family, in front of a live TV crew. And it seems to fly in the face of everything i've read about substance abuse. You can't coerce someone into recovery, they have to want it. My mother had some court mandated program as a result of driving offences, did the bare minimum, kept drinking and never spoke of this program to anyone.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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You text her encouragement, that is a good thing. Beyond that, I am not sure there is much else you can do unless you hotline her, in which case your mother and her husband would likely lie again. The best thing that can happen is that she would stop. Next best is that she gets caught without hurting anyone else, which would produce some sort of results hopefully.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
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Not sure if this will help you or not, but I finally (after 50 years) went NC with my A sister due to her drama and basic emotional abuse (since we were children!) AND she is also a Narcissist. Which COULD be different with your sister... I mean ALL As are selfish but not all are N's. Just wanted to let you know how peaceful my life has become because of it. And yes, I have a young nephew I miss out on but I also "miss out" on her abuse. Easy Peasy after our last parent died, huh. Hence the waiting 50+ years to do it.
ETA: it didn't happen overnight, either. I went thru a phase where it was only highly professionally, politically correct contact first.
ETA: it didn't happen overnight, either. I went thru a phase where it was only highly professionally, politically correct contact first.
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I had to stop watching Intervention because they would make things seem all hopeful and upbeat and then the card would come up at the end and it seemed like 9 times out of 10 it would be that so and so left treatment or relapsed or even died. I suspect those cards were more accurate than the happy edit.
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain 
I had to stop watching Intervention because they would make things seem all hopeful and upbeat and then the card would come up at the end and it seemed like 9 times out of 10 it would be that so and so left treatment or relapsed or even died. I suspect those cards were more accurate than the happy edit.
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