MAYA1

Hello friends, I feel really low today. I haven’t been in touch with my EXABF for a while now (2 months). We broke up shortly after he moved to different country (his country).

Yesterday, his (our) friend contacted me to go for a coffee. It was just a short coffee after work. I haven’t seen this friend since my ex left and it was pleasant talk. At the end he mentioned that my ex contacted him just before we met – he said it was strange because he also didn’t hear from him for 2 months.

So, yesterday, I found out his father passed out shortly after I broke up with him. While I needed no-contact for a while and made it clear, it does hurt that he didn’t tell me this.

I have strong urge to contact him and just talk. BUT my pride says: “he never apologized; he didn’t return your money, never got real help”.

Now, I think my ex is sober now (I think). His “normal” when I met him was drink, drugs on various occasions several times a month while being able to keep good job. Although I had no idea about the drugs he didn’t seem to be hooked on one specific thing overly. The whole situation escalated last 8 months of our relationship when he relapsed 3 times really badly – on drugs, alcohol and pills – AND it all escalated after he got news that his father (abusive to him in the past) was dying.

Also, he doesn’t have major problem to quit drugs/drink, but he thinks this is his only problem. While his psychiatrist he attended shortly here suggested he might be bipolar.

I am sorry; I don’t know what I expect to hear from you. I just needed to get this out. I will also attend my first al anon meeting that will hopefully help me with some guidance.

I feel sorry for him and I miss my friend.

maia1234

Maya,
I know in your heart you want to contact him, you care. The problem is you get dragged back in. No new contact means no new hurts. It really does. Just remember all the pain he caused you. You are just like an addict wanting another drink, you can get through this. Read your first post, read the stickies.

You are so much better off staying away and getting healthier. It is true, time heals wounds. Stay away from the forbidden fruit!!

Hugs my friend, this too shall pass!!

Kata

Maya,

I'm with maia on this one. I think it would be the absolute worst time to contact him. He will be sad and in pain, and you will most likely be moved by his pain.

Contacting him would put you in a vulnerable position. Without you knowing, your resolve might weaken because he is in pain. And he will most likely sense it, and use that to hook you.


I know it's hard to stay no contact right now, but it's the best thing for you.

Hugs

atalose

The above is filled with “I’s”…….it’s not about HIM, your feelings are about YOU and YOUR needs.

Not to sound harsh here but the reality is……. You need him and value him more then he values and needs you.

If he NEEDED you for your support and kindness and understanding at his time of need with the death of his father he would have reached out to you but he didn’t.

He’s not thought of you enough to apologize to you or return your money.

Say a prayer for his father, go to your al-anon meeting and keep the focus on you.

vcfanatic

I received a text from my ex on Sat. saying he was going to be in town because his 92 year old grandfather fell ill and that he didn't know if he was going to be leaving the hospital. He asked me keep his family in his thoughts and asked if there was a chance he could see me or speak to me while he was in town.
I agreed to speak with him and it was a big mistake. The conversation eventually rambled over to 'us' and although he seems to be in a good place with his recovery I've moved on. But my mind is already starting to churn thoughts regarding the 'what ifs'. And that's the worst place for me to be.
I know its hard to let go, but take it from someone who as been there. I went no contact from him for nearly two years and I feel like I'm starting to unravel two years of Al-anon recovery.
Hugs to you.

Ariesagain

One of the really great things about SR is that it shows so many facets of addiction...the first thought I had reading this today was, "There's a relapse about to happen," and I wasn't referring to your ex.

It's so similar to how my AV talks to me...sounding perfectly reasonable, of course. "It's just this time because..." "I really miss it...""It wasn't that bad..."

It's even more persuasive when the addiction can play on your altruism.

You know in your heart you can't moderate where he's concerned, right? And if he's drowning, he'll drag you down with him in a hot second.

I wish I could remember who it is here who says, "Pray for him and stay away from him," because it 's perfect.

honeypig

Maya, even if your XABF has been w/o alcohol for days/weeks/even a few months, that does not in ANY way mean he's actually in recovery or that he is anything like a healthy human being. So many of us here, myself included, felt that if they'd just stop drinking, all would be right and good again. But the drinking isn't like having a sliver in your finger, where you get the tweezers and remove it and all is well. It's only a part of the problem, and there's an awful lot of hard work to be done over time for him and his thought processes to begin to be "normal" (at least a year, according to much of what I read here). Your XABF is NOT "better", nothing has really changed, and since nothing has really changed, nothing has really changed.

In other threads, you'll read advice about asking friends/family to NOT "update" you on the A's situation, about NOT checking them on FB or similar media, and just in general really truly stopping all contact or any other behavior that keeps you in touch w/what they are doing in any way. I think that would be an excellent idea for you too. If you want to continue to see this other friend, fine, but I think you'd be wise to tell him/her you don't want to talk about your ex at all, in any way.

FireSprite

I'm sorry Maya, but I have to agree. This is more about a potential relapse for you under the guise of "doing good". It's kind of emotionally manipulative, in all honesty, to use this to create a reason for contact when you already know that it boils down to:


You can grieve his passing without having contact with your Ex - YOUR feelings aren't validated by his being made aware of them. If it's not about grieving this loss, then, as they say, play the tape alllll the way through to the end. What do you expect to happen if you talk again? Are your expectations reasonable?

AnvilheadII

not to harbor on a theme, but.....

So, yesterday, I found out his father passed out shortly after I broke up with him. While I needed no-contact for a while and made it clear, it does hurt that he didn’t tell me this.

your immediate reaction to hearing of the DEATH of HIS father, is not one of sympathy for his LOSS, but that you feel hurt that he didn't break YOUR rule of NO contact to let YOU know. and now you want to contact HIM so you'll "feel better".

if he had wanted you to know, he would have found a way to get a message thru. i know that stings a bit, but it is what it is. keep walking AWAY from this......moving forward, onward, upward.