bluebird418

Technically speaking in the court order it states she is the intermediary and I am supposed to talk to her. But i have asked my lawyer to do it because I know what will inevitably come after is harassment, angry emails calls etc from his family. Plus i am too emotional and I know I will get extremely angry and it will escalate.
I am just sickened that his daughters birthday is not enough for him to go get some help.
I know im repeating myself and im sorry, but I am just devastated, stressed, angry, etc. right now.

Liveitwell

Time to get another impartial unbiased intermediary. Stat.

Liveitwell

Him getting help has nothing to do with your daughters birthday....deep down he doesbt think HE is worth it....his choices have nothing to do with you...,period.

bluebird418

His mom doesnt even want to do it anymore. She stood up at our DIVORCE hearing which was totally unrelated and said so. And our guardian ad litum wont respond to any calls so I don't even know who would do it.

Simple way to solve this problem: he loses his rights until he gets his life together. Why cant the court see this????

Hawkeye13

I thought the court did--hence the conditions.

Stick to them, ask lawyer to send email saying visitation
will be according to court-ordered conditions, and
don't engage directly.

I think if you end up having to go back,
the fact he's done zero will hurt him.

bluebird418

I suppose I meant that I feel
1. they have given him too many chances
and 2. they havent really enforced the rules that much

Although we have language in our order that says if he does x visitation is suspended, it is on me to make that suspension and go in front of a judge defending my position. The judges then generally yell at him, and give him visitation back, maybe adding a couple stipulations. It feels like she has to get physically hurt before they say, enough is enough.

SparkleKitty

It must be incredibly draining to have the court place so much onus for this on you. I am so sorry. As much as you are able, try to take the emotion out of the process and just do what you are supposed to do. Eventually, they will tire of hearing the same nonsense over and over. Sending you strength and patience.

bluebird418

Thank you. It is, and there's always the risk even I could get in trouble for withholding or at least so my attorney says, not that I ever have. My hope is that they will. I have nothing left to do but pray.

Ariesagain

I don't get it. The guy is in contempt of a court order. Most judges I know would throw him in jail overnight just to wake him up.

Maybe you need a new lawyer?

bluebird418

Its really complicated. We were in Juvenile and Domestic court, then it got appealed into Circuit Court which i guess is a higher court. What is normally done is a show cause (contempt of court) filing that would potentially put someone in jail. The J&D court wont let us file one there and the circuit court says we have to file it with the J&D court. The clerks are making it impossible and my lawyer could bring something down on them but doesn't want to **** them off. So instead we filed a motion to terminate. The judges however on their OWN should give him a wake up call, but thus far they haven't.

Liveitwell

BB-sometimes there is NO wake up call for guys like this.

dandylion

bluebird.....still hold your boundaries. Being nice and compliant just causes them to ask for more and assume that you can be manipulated......

I can hear that you still have hope that he will change....and, you wish that the child would be enough motivation for him to straighten up and fly right......
But, this guy is messed up in the head (for whatever reasons)...so, you really will have to accept the reality of what he is like.....
I hate to have to say all of this to you...but, there is no way to sugar-coat it (that I can think of).....
Lower your expectations and hopes for him becoming who you want him to be.....
It just doesn't look like that is in the cards.....

Hang tough.....

dandylion

bluebird418

I think at this point I realize he isnt going to change. Obviously him missing his daughters birthday isnt enough. Not seeing her for months isnt enough. I keep wondering, is this his rock bottom? But that isnt going to come for him.
Right now im just feeling really frustrated that the court continues to basically enable this behavior by putting it on me to "ask for forgiveness later", and not say enough is enough-youve lost custody.
I will know more in a month when we are back in court and the judge makes a final ruling...

hopeful4

I second what Anvil has said. The courts put these guidelines in place for a reason. I would not let him have access to her.

Hugs

theuncertainty

Sending hugs, BB. I'm sorry. I just re-read my earlier post and it reads like I'd ask his mom, which is definitely not what I meant. I was thinking about asking your lawyer.

I completely understand this:

I went through those same feelings. After sitting with it a while, I realized that I was again expecting AXH to act like a reasonable being. I'd listen to a court order. I believe that many reasonable people would. I thought AXH and his family and GF would, too, but, addiction and enabling behaviors aren't reasonable. Just like I couldn't control or cure his addiction, the court can't either. It sucks.

And yeah, I still think AXH gets far too many chances. He's lost visitation. It's just a suspension, though. The judge was quite clear that AXH gets a right of return. It was a thoroughly emotionally confusing day at court for me. Swinging back and forth between elation that DS was finally safe and we could really start healing to utter disbelief, anger and sadness that AXH still basically has the right to walk back in and mess up our lives again.

Your X can say whatever he wants about you not "allowing" him to see DD for her birthday, but you have 2 years of him not exercising his visitation and not following the court's orders. His history shouts a lot more loudly than his current demand, and hopefully presenting details of that will help the courts see that visitation with him is currently not in your DD's best interest.

Wishing you continued strength.

bluebird418

Thank you. I have a feeling this is what court is going to be like for me too. Just hoping and praying he doesnt get visitation back, and then going from there.

My attorney did email his mom and made it very clear why he wont be having visitation. This was yesterday and I haven't heard back.

Monitor comes off today. Just trying to stay positive...

hopeful4

Sending lots of love and hugs to you!

bluebird418

Thank you! Btw, i love your signature!!