Liveitwell

Dates seem to trigger me remembering events. Some good, some just plain awful. Easter weekend two years ago-exactly tonight my ex was already bombed by himself outside - had spent all day drinking starting before noon-while he built us a wooden cross to put in our front yard. Easter morning, two years ago exactly tomorrow morning, he smelled like a bar and looked so incredibly horrible as we went to church as a family (I still have that picture and it makes me cry). He started drinking right after church before my parents came over. I noticed in addition to all his beer he was also mixing in wine from my parents. I was in the kitchen when he slapped my butt so hard that it made a mark-it seriously hurt. When I told him to stop and that he hurt je, he sneered that "oh, you like it....get over it". Early afternoon Easter Sunday I enthusiastically take our girls outside with my parents for an Easter egg hunt. Such a treasured momemt. As I leaned over to get an egg, my drunk husband put his hand on my crotch abd rubbed hard and made a grunting sound. Within a few feet of our young girls hunting eggs. I went inside and confronted him-he got irate. Told me that I was treating him like a sexual abuser and that there was something wrong with me bc he did nothihc wrong and I was just oversensitive and weird. My parents left and I notice later he finished off their leftover wine-of course lying about it and calling me crazy. Happy Easter indeed.

Why am I sharing this? Bc I'm still processing just.how.bad. things were. Each day I'm out, and the healthier and stronger I get, the more my eyes open to just how awfully wrong things were with him. I am so beyond blessed to be out....that is not my life anymore and it never will be again. There are so many bad memories of abuse that certain dates bring up old ones, you know?! I used to feel something-anger, hurt, sadness when these memories would come up-but honestly I now just feel utter relief and happiness that I'll never deal with it again. I am able to finally focus on my kids and Jesus on Easter Sunday without a drunk abuser ruining yet another day.

Still processing. Thanks for listening to me ramble

HHTexas

Was just sitting here today thinking about how much happier and enjoyable these family occasions are now without the stress and eggshell walking. Hugs to you It's hard but things are looking up!!

Liveitwell

^ yep. So much more enjoyable!!

amy55

Holidays do bring these things up. I used to remember a lot of things, I guess it doesn't phase me anymore. I know how it feels when you look back at things and you just think that was just horrible the way that he treated me then, when I'm sure when you were in it was somewhat of the norm, something that we were slowly getting used to.

I remember on, I think it was my 2nd divorcesary, I burned all of my journals, and most of my unnecessary divorce paper work. All 16 inches of that paper stuff. I never wanted to see it again or read it again. Actually it took me 2 days to burn all of that non sense.

I have my new holiday traditions now, and to be truthful, most of the time I don't even think of the past.

I mean really, what holidays or special events didn't they ruin? Now I don't have to worry about that. I'm at peace now.

(((((hugs)))))
amy

Liveitwell

^ I hear you!! I'm so much more at peace now, too. Just weird how a holiday can bring up yucky memories. It was my reality then, just glad that's not my reality now. Why do these pop up? Is this normal? Is it PTSD ? The really bad ones are still there-and I hope they just go away at some point. But I think God keeps them here to act as a constant reminder. If that makes any sense.

amy55

It does make sense to me. I was diagnosed with PTSD, I'm a lot better now, I still have some triggers, but sometimes I think that is a blessing in a way, because no one will ever treat me like that again. It's like learning from experience.

((((hugs))))) and have a Happy Easter, I know I will.

amy

Liveitwell

^ thanks, Amy !!! I will indeed you have a blessed Easter as well, my friend.

Kata

Hi Fourougirls,

I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. Hugs to you

Regarding your question: "why do these pop up?". I can offer you some pointers, but keep in mind that I'm no therapist.

1. We all have memories that pop up from time to time. They can be triggered by many things like holidays, places, smells, etc. It's normal, and it happens with good memories as well as bad memories.

2. By your question, am I right in assuming that bad memories have been popping up often, or more than you think is normal? If that's so, I think it could be happening because you are in a safe place. You are not in danger anymore. When you were still with your ex (from what I understand from your posts), you were stuck in a perpetual "survival mode". This mode doesn't allow you to process stuff. It's a reactive mode. Your cortisol level (stress hormones) are elevated all the time so you can react instantaniously if you feel that theres is a threat. My guess is that your are now safe, and thus in a position to process what has happened to you. It's not pleasant, but it's necassary.

3. Is it PTSD? It could very well be, or not. It surely is possible, many survivors of domestic abuse do suffer from PTSD. If you think that there is a chance you may have it, I would suggest contacting a therapist that specializes in PTSD, ideally one that deal with domestic abuse related PTSD.

Sending you hugs

Liveitwell

My therapist has stated number two...it's actually been tougher in some respects bc now that I'm out (even over a year later) some things still bubble to the surface bc each day at times was another awful event-and my ex told me it was my fault he did the things he did so I struggled with not making him treat me that way (I understand this clearly now that it was him)-and I had no time or space to process so I just put them away in my head and tried to keep going. I guess I'm surprised they still pop up. Healing takes time though and I understand it may be a while before they go. Someday

Thank you for your words.

SeriousKarma

I went through a period of comparison. An unpleasant memory would arise and I would put that memory on, like an old sweater, and wear it for a few minutes. It's like I had to be reminded just how itchy and stinky it was.

It was pretty itchy and stinky.

It's not easy to end a marriage, and I think it's necessary sometimes to remember why we've made the choice to move on. I struggle now with things I didn't struggle with as a married woman. Debt. Uncertainty. Having to kill spiders by myself. But I made the right choice. It's all worth it when I remember those Easters, and Christmases, and weekends, and weekdays living in a house with active addiction.

Liveitwell

Serious-it is absolutely worth it, 100%. I never question that. I do the same-great analogy-put the old memory on and feel my skin crawl and then I quickly take it off. Thanks for your words

Refiner

I've believed my emotional response to triggers that take me back to my toxic and abusive Narc A sister is at least a form of PTSD. I thinks that's a very real possibility for you, FOG. Happy Easter! He has risen!

Liveitwell

HE IS RISEN!!! Indeed!

jada1981

Over the past month (since the time I made the decision to go through with the divorce), a lot of random memories have been popping into my head of things my STBXAH has done over the years. Each time, it's a helpful reaffirmation of my decision.

I took both kids (5 and 2) to visit my family over the Easter weekend. Even though it can be hectic traveling with both kids on my own, it sure was nice not having to deal with somebody pouting because he didn't want to visit my family (even though we only go visit maybe a total of 5 times a year - they live 3 hours away.) In the past, STBXAH would be super stressed and constantly out and about doing things like "washing his car", and asking when we could leave or sitting on his phone by himself. Who needs that stress over the holidays?! I think it will take some time, but eventually, the new good memories we are making will overshadow all those old, insane ones. :-)

hopeful4

I completely understand. My X did some things in the past over Easter that caused a lot of trauma to our family. I hated Easter after that, which is horrible. It should be the most important day of the year for me, Christ died and rose from the grave for us! I am slowly creating new memories each year to replace those bad ones, but truly, I am still processing as well.

I am sorry you went through that my friend, and sorry we all have had such horrible experiences from addiction. I hate it so much.

Liveitwell

I hate alcoholism so much, too. How long does processing take?! I think it's going to take a while for me.... Lot longer than I expected or wanted :/

teatreeoil007

Any kind of trauma can cause PTSD, IMO. I suspected myself of having it a long time ago, but never brought it up with a professional. Last year, I did and was able to process some of it with my counselor. I was also able to have a long visit with my Mom about some childhood events that I don't even remember, but that did happen. Many things I have repressed or suppressed; not sure which.

Refiner

For, I sometimes wonder if it EVER goes away and I was only put thru emotional abuse that was just an annoyance compared to yours. Perhaps it will always be "our little reminders" to never allow ourselves to be abused by someone again.

Liveitwell

^ refiner-I truly think so. Thanks for your words