Anxiety and anger are the emotions du jour
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 598
Anxiety and anger are the emotions du jour
I'm so anxious it's yet another Saturday night I have no friends to hang out with no significant other this is how I have set my life up. I was with separated at ah for 17 years. Over the years I gave up most of my friends I would not invite them over or out on the boat with us because I never knew how his behavior would be. That is my fault I own that I let it happen. But now here I am 52 years old all of my friends have their own lives they're all out doing stuff they have family there spending time with for the Easter holiday I have nobody. My sons are grown my parents are passed away. I am so anxious that this is the rest of my life just spending it by myself I know in my heart that's not true but I'm sad and I'm angry that I gave 17 years to this man who I followed around and tried to do everything for I compromise my values for him I did it it was my doing I can't fault him for it but I'm so angry with him I can't see straight I want to call him and tell him what a a****** he is but what good would that do? Meanwhile I struggle to pay my bills and support myself to keep my house and he's living with his parents in a half a million dollar house on the river playing on our boat I helped pay for and took care of doing whatever the hell he pleases I suppose not working having no bills having someone take care of everything for him. Maybe I'm jealous I don't know I don't have anyone to take care of me and do anything for me but you know I haven't had that probably since I was a kid. He can kiss my ass.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Canada
Posts: 235
Redheadsusie,
I feel you, I understand you complety. I too feel that way sometimes. But you have control over it. You have control over the loneliness. Yes, you've neglected your friendships, but are they lost? You will need to put some effort into it, and you will often have to be the one to iniate things, but I'm sure that if you reach out you'll be able to make plans with your friends.
I too am alone on a Saturday night, but instead of being home alone and feeling lonely, I went for a walk and I'm now writing this from a café. I may not now the people at the others tables, but it makes me feel a bit more "in the action". I've also had a nice chat with the barista.
Also, I recently read Living alone & loving it by Barbara Feldon, and it reminded me of the good sides of living alone without a man in my life. The book also addresses the issue of loneliness for single women living alone a provides useful tips to help cure that feeling.
I hope this helps a bit.
Hugs
I feel you, I understand you complety. I too feel that way sometimes. But you have control over it. You have control over the loneliness. Yes, you've neglected your friendships, but are they lost? You will need to put some effort into it, and you will often have to be the one to iniate things, but I'm sure that if you reach out you'll be able to make plans with your friends.
I too am alone on a Saturday night, but instead of being home alone and feeling lonely, I went for a walk and I'm now writing this from a café. I may not now the people at the others tables, but it makes me feel a bit more "in the action". I've also had a nice chat with the barista.
Also, I recently read Living alone & loving it by Barbara Feldon, and it reminded me of the good sides of living alone without a man in my life. The book also addresses the issue of loneliness for single women living alone a provides useful tips to help cure that feeling.
I hope this helps a bit.
Hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 598
Thank you very much it does help! I appreciate it and wish you well! Enjoy the cafe! I left my hometown to move down to the river with my Ah and I live out in the country now so I don't have that luxury to go to a Café when I want but that sounds really nice! I am hoping to move this year back to my home town!
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Canada
Posts: 235
Redheadsusie,
Glad I could help. There may not be a café near you, but maybe you could find a nice little diner or something. If there a library near you and you like to read, you could also spend some thime there. Or, if you have the time, visit your home town once in a while, spend time in familiar places, etc.
It's easy to say, but not easy to do, but we have to step out of our comfort zone to break free of the loneliness. Some people aslo volunteer as a way to meet people. It doesn't cost a thing and it beats being home alone with the tv!
Glad I could help. There may not be a café near you, but maybe you could find a nice little diner or something. If there a library near you and you like to read, you could also spend some thime there. Or, if you have the time, visit your home town once in a while, spend time in familiar places, etc.
It's easy to say, but not easy to do, but we have to step out of our comfort zone to break free of the loneliness. Some people aslo volunteer as a way to meet people. It doesn't cost a thing and it beats being home alone with the tv!
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
If your ex is still drinking, his life isn't about playing on his boat and living a life of ease. It's about constantly craving the next drink, passing out, waking up with a hangover, and trying to figure out how to sneak the next drink...and lying about it all to everyone, especially himself.
Sending you a hug. You have every reason to be angry.
Sending you a hug. You have every reason to be angry.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
RHS - A man of your husband's age living with his mommy and daddy is pathetic. I don't care how nice a house, or how many toys.
Your marriage was unpleasant. It sounds like everything is the same minus the alcoholic, which must be an improvement. If you are going to move out of the present headspace its going to have to be by your own doing. You isolated when with him....what are you doing now to change your path?
At the end of the day the only one who takes care of us is US. If your desire is to maybe, one day find a life partner you're going to have to move past what happened and find some happiness to offer someone.
I had a client yesterday 65 yo come in for her second marriage. Her husband left on her 50th birthday with no warning - just BYE after 24 years of marriage. These two people are deliriously happy. He is 70. There is no time limit just wasted time.
What can you do to improve your social life, find friends, and make yourself feel better? That's what you must put effort in. No point in continuing to be angry with the loser living with his parents! You'll never get an apology that can make up for it anyway. The best revenge is being better without them than you ever were with them.
Your marriage was unpleasant. It sounds like everything is the same minus the alcoholic, which must be an improvement. If you are going to move out of the present headspace its going to have to be by your own doing. You isolated when with him....what are you doing now to change your path?
At the end of the day the only one who takes care of us is US. If your desire is to maybe, one day find a life partner you're going to have to move past what happened and find some happiness to offer someone.
I had a client yesterday 65 yo come in for her second marriage. Her husband left on her 50th birthday with no warning - just BYE after 24 years of marriage. These two people are deliriously happy. He is 70. There is no time limit just wasted time.
What can you do to improve your social life, find friends, and make yourself feel better? That's what you must put effort in. No point in continuing to be angry with the loser living with his parents! You'll never get an apology that can make up for it anyway. The best revenge is being better without them than you ever were with them.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Susie,
Yes your new life is different, it is what you make of it. I divorced after 34 years with my AXH, I am 51 so I get it. We divorced almost 1 1/2 years ago. Since the divorce, I have joined a ladies book club, I do a once a month bunko group with ladies, I do a ladies church hour of crafts and a trivia night in a bar. It took some time, but slowly started getting invited. Most the ladies are married, but want to get away from their husbands.
Don't give up on yourself. It is hard being by yourself. My youngest is coming home in May from college for good and I am almost bummed that I will have to "deal" with her, I got used to doing my own thing. I had never been alone, started dating AXH when I was 15 years old. It is a change in your life and it takes time, but you will get there, just be patient.
I also agree with the other posters, life of an alcoholic is not all fun and games. Go and read the misery on the new to recovery and alcoholism forums. Then you won't be so "jealous" of his wonderful life.
Hugs my friend, be patient it will come.
Yes your new life is different, it is what you make of it. I divorced after 34 years with my AXH, I am 51 so I get it. We divorced almost 1 1/2 years ago. Since the divorce, I have joined a ladies book club, I do a once a month bunko group with ladies, I do a ladies church hour of crafts and a trivia night in a bar. It took some time, but slowly started getting invited. Most the ladies are married, but want to get away from their husbands.
Don't give up on yourself. It is hard being by yourself. My youngest is coming home in May from college for good and I am almost bummed that I will have to "deal" with her, I got used to doing my own thing. I had never been alone, started dating AXH when I was 15 years old. It is a change in your life and it takes time, but you will get there, just be patient.
I also agree with the other posters, life of an alcoholic is not all fun and games. Go and read the misery on the new to recovery and alcoholism forums. Then you won't be so "jealous" of his wonderful life.
Hugs my friend, be patient it will come.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 688
I'm in a somewhat similar position, in that I gave 23 years of my life to someone who turned out to be a cheater and liar, and is now thick as thieves with my family, while I have nothing to do with them because of the alcoholic family dynamics.
What has really kept anger at bay for me is deciding I'm happy with how *I* lived, with the integrity *I* showed in trying to keep the marriage together. I'm happy with the things *I* did during those years to pursue my interests.
My best recommendations are to take a class or pursue something you love.
Make a gratitude list--it's almost trite advice, but the times over the past years when I've really sunk into a depression about these things other people foisted on me, it really does help me a lot, to focus on the good things in my life every day. It can be snow sparkling in a streetlight or a beautiful sunrise or the birds singing. As long as I'm focusing on something good.
Do something for someone else. It can be as little as a sincere smile for someone else. It can be volunteering at a charity or helping a neighbor. The benefit of this is not only do I feel my life matters, regardless of what the alcoholics around me are saying about me (and believe me, they ARE saying some awful, untrue things about me that people are believing), but I'm getting out and meeting people, which also gives me hope.
Best of luck. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
What has really kept anger at bay for me is deciding I'm happy with how *I* lived, with the integrity *I* showed in trying to keep the marriage together. I'm happy with the things *I* did during those years to pursue my interests.
My best recommendations are to take a class or pursue something you love.
Make a gratitude list--it's almost trite advice, but the times over the past years when I've really sunk into a depression about these things other people foisted on me, it really does help me a lot, to focus on the good things in my life every day. It can be snow sparkling in a streetlight or a beautiful sunrise or the birds singing. As long as I'm focusing on something good.
Do something for someone else. It can be as little as a sincere smile for someone else. It can be volunteering at a charity or helping a neighbor. The benefit of this is not only do I feel my life matters, regardless of what the alcoholics around me are saying about me (and believe me, they ARE saying some awful, untrue things about me that people are believing), but I'm getting out and meeting people, which also gives me hope.
Best of luck. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 598
Everything you all say is smart and true and helpful! I need to just be happy I am moving forward - concentrate on the good in my life - be grateful and get off the pity train it is not helpful! I am not sure why I judge myself so harshly when I have such compassion for others - my therapist told me to be my own best friend and partner now and take care of me- my self esteem is blown to hell and I need to work on that. I did all I could I hung in there more than most would have - I gave it my best shot -I feel like I failed when I know I didnt. Thank you again without this site I would be more lost than I am . I only wish I could help others more and hopefully one day I can when I am not so messed up. With gratitude I am Redheadsusie
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Yes, Susie....it is said that the way to build self esteem is to do thing that build self esteem. It is not just waving a magic wand.....
get involved in life Susie...and, you will grow stronger and stronger as you move into the future.......
dandylion
get involved in life Susie...and, you will grow stronger and stronger as you move into the future.......
dandylion
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,980
Originally Posted by Redheadsusie 
Everything you all say is smart and true and helpful! I need to just be happy I am moving forward - concentrate on the good in my life - be grateful and get off the pity train it is not helpful! I am not sure why I judge myself so harshly when I have such compassion for others - my therapist told me to be my own best friend and partner now and take care of me- my self esteem is blown to hell and I need to work on that. I did all I could I hung in there more than most would have - I gave it my best shot -I feel like I failed when I know I didnt. Thank you again without this site I would be more lost than I am . I only wish I could help others more and hopefully one day I can when I am not so messed up. With gratitude I am Redheadsusie
I'm 53 and have never been married. I do find being single challenging sometimes but do most of the things that everyone suggested to you.
When I left my qualifier several decades ago, I spent time learning Spanish as I have always been interested in language. I still speak it fairly well. One young lady on the forums said she was going to learn to play the piano. This was after finding her qualifier in bed with someone he met in rehab. Dig deep and find an old dream or interest and go after it!
Keep posting. I love to hear how you are doing even if it is a specially bad day. Those days come and go.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
You've got spunk, redhead and I like that. I'd be willing to bet you were also lonely in a different, more miserable way when you were still with your X. Sometimes it boils down to not being TOTALLY happy (yet), but definitely happier than before. You have gone and ARE going in the right direction.
It is so EASY to compare one's self with others and think they have it better than us or easier than us to have made it through smelling like a rose, but that is rarely the case with alcoholics. Your ex is still trapped into a life of misery in which he continues to abuse his body and his body will only take so much before it starts to shut down. He may also have regrets he has to live with and not too proud of still living with parents...and I don't think I need to tell you that living in a nice big house looks appealing and all, but I've known a lot of rich people living in big fancy houses who were/are still not quite happy or at ease and don't seem to have peace. I guess there's no magic formula.
It is so EASY to compare one's self with others and think they have it better than us or easier than us to have made it through smelling like a rose, but that is rarely the case with alcoholics. Your ex is still trapped into a life of misery in which he continues to abuse his body and his body will only take so much before it starts to shut down. He may also have regrets he has to live with and not too proud of still living with parents...and I don't think I need to tell you that living in a nice big house looks appealing and all, but I've known a lot of rich people living in big fancy houses who were/are still not quite happy or at ease and don't seem to have peace. I guess there's no magic formula.
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