Chelle73

The pain and grief of leaving came from giving up the fantasy and hope for the future. As wacko as my fantasies were about my qualifier the pain was very real. My memories of how hard it was sure makes me understand folks who stay for decades with their qualifier.

Take good care of yourself Chelle and come to us whenever you need support.[/QUOTE]

Im still struggling with these fantasies....
"He will stop and we will live happily ever after!"
I haven't heard from him since I said no.... And it's the weekend lol
I'm trying to remind myself it's normal to feel hurt and miss him but it doesn't mean he's meant to be in my life! And we tried that.... And it sucked! Lol

CaveGirl

Weekends are hard. If you can get out of town even for the day it helps to get away with some fresh air. Trust me we all have those if only he gets better moments. blech! I was having one then my ex sent me a message that his phone broke (again) ... I was so happy to be away from the drama.

Thinking about you!

Chelle73

Thank you cavegirl.... I didn't even consider getting out of town for bit! I need to set up
More of a structured day instead of sitting around feeling sorry for myself lol
The drama is so boring after a while isn't it? I think I've shaken my head and rolled my eyes enough for 2 lifetimes lol

Liveitwell

Chelle-we have all been there. The weekends were the hardest for me as well...at first. Too much time in my own head (!). Keep cultivating a life for yourself, set up activities, etc. You will be ok

Bekindalways

Let those fantasies come and let them go. This is grieving. Grieving takes time and time takes time.

Hmmm . . . .I hope I don't sound too pedantic here Chelle.

Inspite of being in a bit different place than you I really need to take the "get some structure and get out of town" advice to heart myself.

Chelle73

My son and I had a pretty busy day together today so it was good... Made a difference! And im back to work tomorrow more and more little things keep popping into my head now.... When he was cruel.... Just small things that I kinda got used to or at least expected after a year together.... I'm beginning to realise I did us both a favour ending things.... Wether he chooses to change is up to him.... But I've already changed nearly everything for me.

Chelle73

And STILL I think about him and miss what I HOPED it would be

bluelily

Me too! I know exactly how you feel...

It´s been two weeks since we last spoke (and broke up) and I´m wondering if no contact is working for me, I only seem to remember the good things and could´ve beens. I have to make a serious effort to remember all the bad stuff, which was plenty.

Kata

Me three! I guess we're all in the same boat... It's not easy, but I try to think of the bad and ugly when I catch myself thinking to much of how I had hoped it would be.

CaveGirl

I'm having the weirdly opposite, I can't remember a single good thing... Which is probably better at this point. But then I still feel bad about the break up... Weird. I lived on hoping for his potential (of which there is much... He's a smart guy) for years and it still got me here. Break ups suck. And break ups with a user really suck because you don't know what was real!

Chelle73

I think I'm remembering the good but when I REALLY think on it, there was bugger all good lol
The sex was pretty good and I loved the intensity of his "love" (all consuming) but the more I read here the more I realise it was probably bollocks anyway lol all chemistry and addiction and enabling and need
Aaaaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhh ......
And still I feel like we had this deep love??
So torn and confused!

CaveGirl

Doesn't hurt to believe the love was real. Hurts more to think it was all fake. Just think of him fondly but not fondly enough to let him suck you back in. I adore my alcoholic exes and friends but it doesn't mean I want to live with them. And that's ok too.

bluelily

Yes, the sex was pretty intense in my case too... I´ve been trying not to think too much about it... of course it didn´t help that when he was drinking it didn´t work at all, lol. Then it was quite disappointing.

Even while we were together I often thought we had nothing in common, so that made our relationship a bit mysterious, it was all purely emotional. Now I´m thinking it did made sense to him, if I was giving him everything he wanted without complaining or asking for my needs to be met. If I´m very honest with myself, I always wanted something completely different when I was with him, a true partnership instead of just going along with whatever he wanted. I guess I was hoping things would change into what I wanted if I gave it enough time.

Chelle73

Lol yes mine too, and he was drunk ALOT
I'm going to be the fussiest ever in my next relationship.... It's going to be what I want at the BEGINNING..... Not spend my time thinking about "potential " lol

Chelle73

I struggle with letting go of worrying about him .... So much on here has helped and even tho I haven't acted on it ,I still want to help .... I know it's not my problem.... His life, his choice. It's just sad

hopeful4

For myself, I had to quit analyzing it so much and accept, yes, my XAH and I had good times. Unfortunately, he let alcohol and bad decisions damage our marriage to the point of no turning back. I have told my kids, that does not negate the good times, and it's still good to look back at those and remember the joy we all experienced during that time.

It's time to look forward. Many hugs.

Bekindalways

I wish our language had a different word for the initial "love" experienced in a relationship.

Scott Peck in the Road Less Traveled, described love as expanding your limits for the benefit of yourself or someone else; in contrast, falling in "love" is the collapse of all limits.