How to Cope when the Kids are Drawn In?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 688
How to Cope when the Kids are Drawn In?
I usually post at adult children of alcoholics 'next door,' but I've been told many on this forum are dealing with this specific issue and have some words of wisdom.
Father is alcoholic, mother co-dependent. Reading on narcissistic families, I see my family of origin there even more strongly. I am the scapegoat. After it became clear, in a surreal conversation with AF that this was exactly how they see me, and thus that their abusive words and actions would continue, I stayed away.
However, my older children were already old enough to continue visiting them. My ex-husband (I divorced him over many issues) is thick as thieves with my FOO and brings the younger kids to see them. My older kids have been drawn into the family narrative that I am the source of the trouble. My mother, true to all I read on blogs about narcissists, spreads blatantly untrue stories about me and my character, and people, including my children, are buying these things. I'm 'stubborn.' I have a wild imagination. I'm a liar. XH is telling people I have a string of men in and out of the house, parading them in front of my boys--also blatantly untrue. Not even a kernel of truth to it. I live like a nun, and he knows it. But they're planting doubt in all sorts of people's minds about my character.
Is there any way to combat these things? It seems to me I've been painted into a corner where they've been primed such that anything I say or do only makes things worse. After all, these are their loving grandparents and fun-loving aunts and uncles--THEY all get along great and are soooo niiiiice to my kids, of course I'm the problem.
And barring any way to combat these lies, how do I cope with this ongoing problem for myself? How do I reach any peace with the fact that my own children are siding with the abusers against me?
I'm told constantly that the truth will eventually win out. But it could be years before my kids see what's going on--if ever. In the meantime, I'm looking at spending Easter alone. Holidays are becoming steadily more stressful. I'm on the brink of dropping the faith I've been so strong in, because if my parents who claim this faith can act this way, what good is it? There are times I think about suicide or about faking my own death to escape, even if it means abandoning my younger children.
How do I keep putting one foot in front of another and transcending the damage they're doing to me and my family every day?
Father is alcoholic, mother co-dependent. Reading on narcissistic families, I see my family of origin there even more strongly. I am the scapegoat. After it became clear, in a surreal conversation with AF that this was exactly how they see me, and thus that their abusive words and actions would continue, I stayed away.
However, my older children were already old enough to continue visiting them. My ex-husband (I divorced him over many issues) is thick as thieves with my FOO and brings the younger kids to see them. My older kids have been drawn into the family narrative that I am the source of the trouble. My mother, true to all I read on blogs about narcissists, spreads blatantly untrue stories about me and my character, and people, including my children, are buying these things. I'm 'stubborn.' I have a wild imagination. I'm a liar. XH is telling people I have a string of men in and out of the house, parading them in front of my boys--also blatantly untrue. Not even a kernel of truth to it. I live like a nun, and he knows it. But they're planting doubt in all sorts of people's minds about my character.
Is there any way to combat these things? It seems to me I've been painted into a corner where they've been primed such that anything I say or do only makes things worse. After all, these are their loving grandparents and fun-loving aunts and uncles--THEY all get along great and are soooo niiiiice to my kids, of course I'm the problem.
And barring any way to combat these lies, how do I cope with this ongoing problem for myself? How do I reach any peace with the fact that my own children are siding with the abusers against me?
I'm told constantly that the truth will eventually win out. But it could be years before my kids see what's going on--if ever. In the meantime, I'm looking at spending Easter alone. Holidays are becoming steadily more stressful. I'm on the brink of dropping the faith I've been so strong in, because if my parents who claim this faith can act this way, what good is it? There are times I think about suicide or about faking my own death to escape, even if it means abandoning my younger children.
How do I keep putting one foot in front of another and transcending the damage they're doing to me and my family every day?
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
I'm so sorry you're hurting. The one thing that's helped me the most is Al-Anon. It took me a long time to get through the door, more time to start going back on a regular basis, yet eventually I started finding enough progress that I look forward to meetings.
No matter where you look for help, there is support and hope in many places. The hardest part for me was being willing to look beyond the chaos that was familiar and normal to me. How are you doing today?
No matter where you look for help, there is support and hope in many places. The hardest part for me was being willing to look beyond the chaos that was familiar and normal to me. How are you doing today?
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
