Feeling so low...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 19
Feeling so low...
Hi everyone. I'm feeling very down and I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know if the problems I'm experiencing are truly being created by me, as AH says, or if this is a manifestation of what is going on in my continuing life with an alcoholic.
I have a job in an office that is very high-pressure, high-volume and requires a high attention to detail. I was OK with things at work for more than a year, but after four years of constant stress at work and home, I found myself unable to keep up. As a result, I'm losing my job.
I came home and told AH. Instead of providing comfort and reassurance, he took the opportunity to kick me when I was down. Hard. He launched into this diatribe on how he has given up on ever being intimate with me (who could be willingly intimate with someone who treats their loved ones so poorly?) and that this is indicative of a bigger problem...with ME. He said he has stood by me for 20 years and has finally given up on me. And now my employer is giving up on me too. And soon everyone else will, too. Family, friends, etc. I was reduced to tears. After I cried for a while he hugged me and said "but I still love you!"
He also told me that I think more highly of myself than I should and that I had better figure out what I really am, and fast, before we all wind up homeless. I was reduced to tears even further. I have carried out family financially for almost our entire marriage. I provide the insurance and the lion's share of the income. He works part time and drinks half of his pay away.
My counselor (who specializes in addiction) told me he is yelling at a mirror. That he sees his own inadequacies and tries to place them on his loved ones. AH told me once that I'm a "fat, middle-aged mother of two" and that no one but him would ever love me. He said I can't maintain relationships and that even the kids will eventually leave me because they will see what I really am. He has no real friends and his own family pulled away from him because of his behavior. I still have friends from high school who I am still close to...but can't have around him because of his behavior.
I don't know what to think anymore. Is this my fault really? Or is this what my mom says is really his deteriorating mental state? I've been searching myself to see what I could change and will work to fix what I find wrong, but I don't know if that will make things better overall.
Thanks for reading this...it helps to put it out there.
I have a job in an office that is very high-pressure, high-volume and requires a high attention to detail. I was OK with things at work for more than a year, but after four years of constant stress at work and home, I found myself unable to keep up. As a result, I'm losing my job.
I came home and told AH. Instead of providing comfort and reassurance, he took the opportunity to kick me when I was down. Hard. He launched into this diatribe on how he has given up on ever being intimate with me (who could be willingly intimate with someone who treats their loved ones so poorly?) and that this is indicative of a bigger problem...with ME. He said he has stood by me for 20 years and has finally given up on me. And now my employer is giving up on me too. And soon everyone else will, too. Family, friends, etc. I was reduced to tears. After I cried for a while he hugged me and said "but I still love you!"
He also told me that I think more highly of myself than I should and that I had better figure out what I really am, and fast, before we all wind up homeless. I was reduced to tears even further. I have carried out family financially for almost our entire marriage. I provide the insurance and the lion's share of the income. He works part time and drinks half of his pay away.
My counselor (who specializes in addiction) told me he is yelling at a mirror. That he sees his own inadequacies and tries to place them on his loved ones. AH told me once that I'm a "fat, middle-aged mother of two" and that no one but him would ever love me. He said I can't maintain relationships and that even the kids will eventually leave me because they will see what I really am. He has no real friends and his own family pulled away from him because of his behavior. I still have friends from high school who I am still close to...but can't have around him because of his behavior.
I don't know what to think anymore. Is this my fault really? Or is this what my mom says is really his deteriorating mental state? I've been searching myself to see what I could change and will work to fix what I find wrong, but I don't know if that will make things better overall.
Thanks for reading this...it helps to put it out there.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Ugg - I'm so sorry you are going through all this.
I totally understand what its like having a nightmarish job, and then coming home to a nightmarish home life. You deserve combat pay for doing it as long as you have. Truly.
I had an alcoholic boss and an alcoholic partner - I felt like there was no escape. That life was killing me - literally. I had insomnia, migraines, high blood pressure panic attacks, was miserable, and seriously depressed. I would have died before the alcoholic if I had kept on the way I was.
Your husband is seriously controlling and abusive. I'm so glad you are in counseling.
The three c's of :
You didn't cause his drinking.
You cannot control his drinking.
You cannot cure his drinking.
Say this to yourself - a hundred times a day if you need to until they sink in and become louder than his voice degrading you, and until you don't feel like you are lying when you say them. It took me a few weeks, but when I could HONESTLY say them, they stuck, and they will never leave me.
His drinking, and the magnitude of issues that are amplified by it - lack of motivation, anger, control etc etc are HIS PROBLEMS. He can't even see them, let alone work on them. He just wants to blame anything but himself, and they don't have to be your problems anymore.
You have stayed with someone and supported someone that cannot reciprocate your level of love, commitment and partnership in the relationship. You've accepted unacceptable behavior. We all have - that's why we're here. We get it. It's not insurmountable.
Between this place, counseling, great books, Alanon or Coda, good friends and family (your mom sounds awesome BTW) we learn and grow and build a better life for ourselves - whether the alcoholic does or not. Welcome - you're among friends!
I totally understand what its like having a nightmarish job, and then coming home to a nightmarish home life. You deserve combat pay for doing it as long as you have. Truly.
I had an alcoholic boss and an alcoholic partner - I felt like there was no escape. That life was killing me - literally. I had insomnia, migraines, high blood pressure panic attacks, was miserable, and seriously depressed. I would have died before the alcoholic if I had kept on the way I was.
Your husband is seriously controlling and abusive. I'm so glad you are in counseling.
The three c's of :
You didn't cause his drinking.
You cannot control his drinking.
You cannot cure his drinking.
Say this to yourself - a hundred times a day if you need to until they sink in and become louder than his voice degrading you, and until you don't feel like you are lying when you say them. It took me a few weeks, but when I could HONESTLY say them, they stuck, and they will never leave me.
His drinking, and the magnitude of issues that are amplified by it - lack of motivation, anger, control etc etc are HIS PROBLEMS. He can't even see them, let alone work on them. He just wants to blame anything but himself, and they don't have to be your problems anymore.
You have stayed with someone and supported someone that cannot reciprocate your level of love, commitment and partnership in the relationship. You've accepted unacceptable behavior. We all have - that's why we're here. We get it. It's not insurmountable.
Between this place, counseling, great books, Alanon or Coda, good friends and family (your mom sounds awesome BTW) we learn and grow and build a better life for ourselves - whether the alcoholic does or not. Welcome - you're among friends!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 19
Thank you, Firebolt and Refiner. I'm so at a loss. Honestly, just hearing someone else call his behavior what it is...abusive and controlling...helps so much! When my oldest (now 15) was around 2 years old he told me that he would love nothing more than to take her and move to the beach where she can grow up running free on the beach without restriction...or me. I've been terrified for 13 years that he would one day leave and take the kids. And I would never see them again. So I've "behaved" and given in to his whims to appease. At one time he agreed to quit drinking "for the kids" but I would have to agree to be there for him intimately at his beck and call, any time if the day or night, because he would need to have that on demand to replace the alcohol. So I would need to prostitute myself to build a happier life for my family. That lasted a week and he was back to drinking. This time harder than ever.
He was not like this when we first met, or for the first few years of our marriage. It was when he started drinking that this behavior started manifesting itself. I think back on what I've done to keep the peace at home and I cringe. This is not me. I've lost myself over the years. I used to be happy, fun-loving and happy-go-lucky. Now? Serious, nearly humorless and overwhelmed. My AH tells me that I've changed for the worse. Well no wonder! I'm beyond stressed being the only adult in this family and it has taken a toll on me! I feel as if I can't go out with friends without the kids because I feel I need to be home to protect them. I have little time to be myself. My only downtime is when he passes out drunk early and the kids and I can relax. That's when we play board games and watch movies WE want to watch without hearing constant derogatory statements or diatribes from AH on how stupid the movie is.
Why can't I break away from this? I have accepted more and more bad behavior in the interest of keeping peace. And it's costing me. Big time. I guess the answer is that it's fear of him. What he would do to me or the kids if I made him leave or I left. I see other marriages that are not perfect, but work. I think "if only I could be happier, be sexier, be (insert quality here), maybe things would be better and AH would stop drinking and we could be happy." But I can't think that this is all on my lap.
He was not like this when we first met, or for the first few years of our marriage. It was when he started drinking that this behavior started manifesting itself. I think back on what I've done to keep the peace at home and I cringe. This is not me. I've lost myself over the years. I used to be happy, fun-loving and happy-go-lucky. Now? Serious, nearly humorless and overwhelmed. My AH tells me that I've changed for the worse. Well no wonder! I'm beyond stressed being the only adult in this family and it has taken a toll on me! I feel as if I can't go out with friends without the kids because I feel I need to be home to protect them. I have little time to be myself. My only downtime is when he passes out drunk early and the kids and I can relax. That's when we play board games and watch movies WE want to watch without hearing constant derogatory statements or diatribes from AH on how stupid the movie is.
Why can't I break away from this? I have accepted more and more bad behavior in the interest of keeping peace. And it's costing me. Big time. I guess the answer is that it's fear of him. What he would do to me or the kids if I made him leave or I left. I see other marriages that are not perfect, but work. I think "if only I could be happier, be sexier, be (insert quality here), maybe things would be better and AH would stop drinking and we could be happy." But I can't think that this is all on my lap.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Oh honey-my ex sounds just like your hubby. Projects all his serious insecurities onto his loved ones. My ex told me many of the same things over the years-it was my fault bc I wasn't attractive to him, didn't have sex with him enough, didn't do x, y or z .... You name it. It is called abuse-and what he's done to you is exactly what my ex did to me-tore me down to nothing and had me believing everyone hated me and that I was crazy and that nobody would love me but him. You are being abused. Period. There's nothing you can do to make him stop-this is who he is. Please keep up with therapy, learn all you can about addiction and please do not engage with him. YOU are a beautiful child of God that does not deserve this disgusting treatment!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Btw-YOU are not happy because you're in an abusive marriage. Please don't judge what you see in others marriage-people thought I was happy too bc I smiled in pictures but they had no idea what was going on at home and what my husband did.
Please keep coming back and seeking out support for yourself.
Please keep coming back and seeking out support for yourself.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
He's a cruel, vicious, narcissistic asshat with a sex obsession. I cannot believe ANYONE would be so nasty as to throw all that you when you were down...and then he says he loves you? Good grief.
Walk, run, crawl away from him, whatever it takes. Nobody should have to take that kind of abuse and the fact that he's got you thinking any of it might be true makes my heart hurt for you.
Call a domestic violence hotline and see what resources are available to you. Verbal abuse is still abuse. Do you have an employee assistance program at work? If so, contact them and ask for help...it might also save your job. And of course you're making mistakes...you're under ridiculous amounts of stress.
Sending you a big fierce hug and that husband of yours my fondest hopes of a case of ebola.
Walk, run, crawl away from him, whatever it takes. Nobody should have to take that kind of abuse and the fact that he's got you thinking any of it might be true makes my heart hurt for you.
Call a domestic violence hotline and see what resources are available to you. Verbal abuse is still abuse. Do you have an employee assistance program at work? If so, contact them and ask for help...it might also save your job. And of course you're making mistakes...you're under ridiculous amounts of stress.
Sending you a big fierce hug and that husband of yours my fondest hopes of a case of ebola.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
^ Aries-the worst treatment I received during my marriage was when I was pregnant with our second child....violent, narcissistic, cruel, sex crazed disgusting and abusuve treatment became the norm - while I was carrying his child!!! And it didn't stop afterwards. These "men" are lower than scum on the ground. Literally.
LadyE-the reason he projects all this onto you is literally bc he truly thinks nobody would love him!! So he has to tear you down so you don't leave him-which to a narc, brushing their fragile ego, is the single worst thing you can do. RUN away. I'm sure he may try to make your life hell if you leave-but it sure sounds like hell already, if we are being honest. You have a chance to live...and follow your happiness for you and your children. Get away from this controlling and abusive person.
LadyE-the reason he projects all this onto you is literally bc he truly thinks nobody would love him!! So he has to tear you down so you don't leave him-which to a narc, brushing their fragile ego, is the single worst thing you can do. RUN away. I'm sure he may try to make your life hell if you leave-but it sure sounds like hell already, if we are being honest. You have a chance to live...and follow your happiness for you and your children. Get away from this controlling and abusive person.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Canada
Posts: 235
LadyEdith, I'm with everyone on this one. I also strongly suggest that you follow Ariesagain's advice and call a domestic hotline.
Yes, what he is doing to you is ABUSE. And that is all on him. It has NOTHING to do with what you do. And NOTHING to do with who you are. There is no blame to be shared here. It is all on him. No amount of changing yourself or ceding to his demands will make him stop abusing you.
You said that you cannot break away because of your fear of him. I understand that. Now, if you set that fear away for a minute, if you don't take it into account, what is it YOU want? Do you want to stay in your marriage? Do you want to leave him?
IMO, I think you need to answer those questions before anything else, as the answers will lead you on completly different paths. Also, aswering the questions doesn't mean you have to make a decision now. But I think that it may help you regain a bit of control over your life. Whatever the answer, it will at least get you thinking in an another way. It may help your mind get out of that circular thinking.
Please remember that nothing that man says about you is true. His abusive and twisted perspective doesn't get to define you.
Ask yourself that, if you were to tell him that he's a pathetic alcoholic who gets high on abusing and controlling people, a smelly drunk with a beer gut that could stand to loose a few pounds and take a shower or six, do you think he would care about your opinion? Do you think he would let your words affect his God-like narcissitic image? NO, he would not.
Then, why should is opinions of you mean anything? Why should the define you?
You are a wonderful and beautiful mother of two and you deserve anything you wish.
It is your life, and it's up to you to decide what you want your life to be like.
Hugs to you
Yes, what he is doing to you is ABUSE. And that is all on him. It has NOTHING to do with what you do. And NOTHING to do with who you are. There is no blame to be shared here. It is all on him. No amount of changing yourself or ceding to his demands will make him stop abusing you.
You said that you cannot break away because of your fear of him. I understand that. Now, if you set that fear away for a minute, if you don't take it into account, what is it YOU want? Do you want to stay in your marriage? Do you want to leave him?
IMO, I think you need to answer those questions before anything else, as the answers will lead you on completly different paths. Also, aswering the questions doesn't mean you have to make a decision now. But I think that it may help you regain a bit of control over your life. Whatever the answer, it will at least get you thinking in an another way. It may help your mind get out of that circular thinking.
Please remember that nothing that man says about you is true. His abusive and twisted perspective doesn't get to define you.
Ask yourself that, if you were to tell him that he's a pathetic alcoholic who gets high on abusing and controlling people, a smelly drunk with a beer gut that could stand to loose a few pounds and take a shower or six, do you think he would care about your opinion? Do you think he would let your words affect his God-like narcissitic image? NO, he would not.
Then, why should is opinions of you mean anything? Why should the define you?
You are a wonderful and beautiful mother of two and you deserve anything you wish.
It is your life, and it's up to you to decide what you want your life to be like.
Hugs to you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 19
Really, thank you. I feel better knowing this is not just me. I stand up for myself at times and AH says "oh I'M the a$$hole." He says we make him into a monster. Well, he can be. He is most approachable in the morning when he isn't drinking. And even then, he won't carry on a conversation. He will turn his back on me and mumble one-word answers. I've gotten to the point where I don't engage anymore unless I have to.
I know I need to end this. I'm reaching middle age and deserve to live the rest of my life happy. And my kids deserve it most of all. But to be honest, I'm scared. Really scared. AH works in the legal field and has sworn hellfire if I leave him. I'm terrified he will take the kids. Somehow. I'm terrified.
I know I need to end this. I'm reaching middle age and deserve to live the rest of my life happy. And my kids deserve it most of all. But to be honest, I'm scared. Really scared. AH works in the legal field and has sworn hellfire if I leave him. I'm terrified he will take the kids. Somehow. I'm terrified.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
So he's blackmailing you?! Seriously, this dude is crazy. My ex threatened me multiple times about me leaving him. Many times. I was terrified, too. Not anymore bc he's just a washed up drunk spinning his lies and threats to make himself feel better I guess? Not really sure. My ex screamed at me one night, "you're not taking my ******* kids, bitch". Yep-his kids are possessions to him-nothing else. And the father of the year has only abused his kids and lost all visitation rights to them a year ago due to drinking. I still have a lot to learn but I do know if someone has to THREATEN you to stay with them, um, it's time to run away.
Btw, most if the time if you are on the right path and walking ahead and telling the truth, the crazies come out to threaten you. DO not let him sideline you, as you and your kids deserve to get out of this hell.
Btw, most if the time if you are on the right path and walking ahead and telling the truth, the crazies come out to threaten you. DO not let him sideline you, as you and your kids deserve to get out of this hell.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Canada
Posts: 235
LadyEdith,
I'm sure you're terrified, understandbly, and you don't have to do anything right this minute. It's ok to be scared. You have every right to be. It takes courage to suffer through what you have been and going through. And it will take courage if you decide to leave. But remember that courage is not being fearless. Courage means doing the things we are most afraid of.
In the meantime, educate yourself, try to get as much self-confidence and strenght back. You will need it no matter if you stay or go. And contact a domestive violence hotline. They will help you navitage through the situation, and may be able to offer or refer you to some legal counseling.
For now, the only thing you have to do is to take it one breath at the time and keep going forward. Even if you have to slowly crawl forward. Eventually, you'll be able to stand up and take baby steps forward. You just have to keep moving.
I'm sure you're terrified, understandbly, and you don't have to do anything right this minute. It's ok to be scared. You have every right to be. It takes courage to suffer through what you have been and going through. And it will take courage if you decide to leave. But remember that courage is not being fearless. Courage means doing the things we are most afraid of.
In the meantime, educate yourself, try to get as much self-confidence and strenght back. You will need it no matter if you stay or go. And contact a domestive violence hotline. They will help you navitage through the situation, and may be able to offer or refer you to some legal counseling.
For now, the only thing you have to do is to take it one breath at the time and keep going forward. Even if you have to slowly crawl forward. Eventually, you'll be able to stand up and take baby steps forward. You just have to keep moving.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Lady....I concur with all that has been said.
Living in abuse for so long erodes your self-confidence. your self esteem, and, you begin to believe the lies that your abuser says....the long term stress erodes your ability to even think....or, to trust your own thoughts!
What to do?----get yourself more support....You will get support here, of course! I hope you keep posting here.....
Now...I don't know if your counselor is trained in abuse issues...but, you can benefit from an abuse support group (face to face)....Your husband does not need to know....you can tell him that it is a woman's self improvement group, if pressed.....
I would suggest that you continue to not engage with him...arguing with him will not help the situation....and, don't tell him any of your plans or activities.
You can talk with dv counselor on the phone. Your identy will be kept anonymous. It is not a government agency!
They can help you find a lawyer who deals with cases such as yours. Lawyers who are familiar with the local courts, also. They can help you find a court advocate who can help lead you through the ins and o uts. if that ever becomes necessary.
Consider this as "information gathering"...at this juncture.....You are not obligated to make any decisions that you are not ready for.....
getting information and talking to people who are on your side will, in itself, make you feel sooo much better that youdo right now.....
Knowledge is power.
There is a website: "WomansDivorce.com". It gives general advice concerning every aspect of divorces. It is arranged by individual states. It does not take the place of your own individual lawyer, of course....but, it is educational, in nature..... don't forget to erase your search history every time you use your computer!!!!!!!!!!
My main point....There is help. You have options.
If you have been strong enough to live with this....you are strong enough (with help) to work your way through it!!
Remember that fear is an emotion....not fact.....
dandylion
Living in abuse for so long erodes your self-confidence. your self esteem, and, you begin to believe the lies that your abuser says....the long term stress erodes your ability to even think....or, to trust your own thoughts!
What to do?----get yourself more support....You will get support here, of course! I hope you keep posting here.....
Now...I don't know if your counselor is trained in abuse issues...but, you can benefit from an abuse support group (face to face)....Your husband does not need to know....you can tell him that it is a woman's self improvement group, if pressed.....
I would suggest that you continue to not engage with him...arguing with him will not help the situation....and, don't tell him any of your plans or activities.
You can talk with dv counselor on the phone. Your identy will be kept anonymous. It is not a government agency!
They can help you find a lawyer who deals with cases such as yours. Lawyers who are familiar with the local courts, also. They can help you find a court advocate who can help lead you through the ins and o uts. if that ever becomes necessary.
Consider this as "information gathering"...at this juncture.....You are not obligated to make any decisions that you are not ready for.....
getting information and talking to people who are on your side will, in itself, make you feel sooo much better that youdo right now.....
Knowledge is power.
There is a website: "WomansDivorce.com". It gives general advice concerning every aspect of divorces. It is arranged by individual states. It does not take the place of your own individual lawyer, of course....but, it is educational, in nature..... don't forget to erase your search history every time you use your computer!!!!!!!!!!
My main point....There is help. You have options.
If you have been strong enough to live with this....you are strong enough (with help) to work your way through it!!
Remember that fear is an emotion....not fact.....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Originally Posted by LadyEdith 
I think "if only I could be happier, be sexier, be (insert quality here), maybe things would be better and AH would stop drinking and we could be happy." But I can't think that this is all on my lap.
AXH also threatened to take DS from me. He promised to make certain I'd never see either of them again if I ever left. (He has friends in several different countries, and I believed he could disappear if he tried.) And it had the effect he desired on me: I was too afraid to leave for a long time. It was a bluff, for a number of reasons:
1. While AXH could kind of keep his lies straight, he couldn't totally. Bringing in other people (like his then GF) helped bring the lies into light.
2. His sense of entitlement couldn't be hidden, because he truly thought he was perfectly within his rights to treat me the way he did and there was nothing really wrong with it. The court was very clearly able to see it for what it was: abuse. (However, even with that, the courts still try to find a balance between abusive behavior towards the other parent with the abuser's right to see their child.)
3. He didn't really want the responsibility of actually caring for a child.
Even with his legal background, LadyE, he may not have that strong of a base to stand on as he thinks. Talking with an attorney wouldn't commit you to any course of action, but it could help you get a better idea of what you might truly be looking at if / when you do decide it's time to go.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
^ yep. And keep your plans guarded. But please do get some support and advocates that can help you. Reaching out for help is a good smart thing and there are so many that will help you! Please keep coming back!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
AH works in the legal field and has sworn hellfire if I leave him.
that's why you get yourself a very good lawyer who eats the heads off jackasses FOR BREAKFAST. and you don't say a WORD about your plans.
i am still mind boggled that he said those things to you. and i'm so sad that you stood there and listened and took his pathetic words to heart. and that you've done so for entirely too long.....
work with a counselor would help you sort out what is really YOU and what is just his bluff and bluster. the man is a total waste of space and not worthy to share the same zip code you do.
that's why you get yourself a very good lawyer who eats the heads off jackasses FOR BREAKFAST. and you don't say a WORD about your plans.
i am still mind boggled that he said those things to you. and i'm so sad that you stood there and listened and took his pathetic words to heart. and that you've done so for entirely too long.....
work with a counselor would help you sort out what is really YOU and what is just his bluff and bluster. the man is a total waste of space and not worthy to share the same zip code you do.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 250
LadyEdith,
It sounds like HE is very insecure and KNOWS that you can do much better than him. Hence, his effort to tear you down and keep you tied to him. You've gotten good advice here and I'm so glad you are reaching out for support. I agree that you should start thinking about the possibility of an exit plan and keep the details to yourself. This is no way to live and you (and your kids) deserve to be treated with kindness, love and respect.
Hugs
It sounds like HE is very insecure and KNOWS that you can do much better than him. Hence, his effort to tear you down and keep you tied to him. You've gotten good advice here and I'm so glad you are reaching out for support. I agree that you should start thinking about the possibility of an exit plan and keep the details to yourself. This is no way to live and you (and your kids) deserve to be treated with kindness, love and respect.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Lady E,
Welcome to SR. There is a lot of wise people on this forum and they can help in any way you need. I to would recommend meeting up with an attorney. I would ask the DV support people if they can recommend one that is knowledgeable about abuse. Most attorneys do not charge for the first visit so if you don't like that one, try another one. We are not recommending a divorce, but you can find out what your legal rights are. Education is power!!
I know you mentioned that AH threatened to take the kids away. That was many years ago. Your kids have probably witness stuff by your AH that they shouldn't have. I would not question that a 15 year old doesn't know her dad is a drunk and want to go and live with him. The court will listen to that age child.
I know that you stayed because of fear, and many women come here desperate and living in fear. That is not going to be you anymore. Have you had any discussion with your kids about their Dad's disease. I am sure they know more then they let on too.
We are going to empower you to get your voice back and hold your head high. I also recommend reaching out to your work and telling them that you have been battered for many many years. They might show some compassion since you are a long time employee. If not you will find another job, maybe even better then what you have.
I am so proud of you reaching out for help, I am sure it was very difficult letting the cat out of the bag. Keep reading SR, if you can hit an alonon meeting or have your children check out alateen. Make copies of very important documents that you might need int he future and hide them or take them to a friend. Take notes of dates and events that happen. If you can tuck away a little cash, hide it in your car, friends or garage. Be prepared, if one day you and your kids need to leave and might never come back.
Hugs my friends, you have joined the right place, this is the first day of the rest of your life!!
Welcome to SR. There is a lot of wise people on this forum and they can help in any way you need. I to would recommend meeting up with an attorney. I would ask the DV support people if they can recommend one that is knowledgeable about abuse. Most attorneys do not charge for the first visit so if you don't like that one, try another one. We are not recommending a divorce, but you can find out what your legal rights are. Education is power!!
I know you mentioned that AH threatened to take the kids away. That was many years ago. Your kids have probably witness stuff by your AH that they shouldn't have. I would not question that a 15 year old doesn't know her dad is a drunk and want to go and live with him. The court will listen to that age child.
I know that you stayed because of fear, and many women come here desperate and living in fear. That is not going to be you anymore. Have you had any discussion with your kids about their Dad's disease. I am sure they know more then they let on too.
We are going to empower you to get your voice back and hold your head high. I also recommend reaching out to your work and telling them that you have been battered for many many years. They might show some compassion since you are a long time employee. If not you will find another job, maybe even better then what you have.
I am so proud of you reaching out for help, I am sure it was very difficult letting the cat out of the bag. Keep reading SR, if you can hit an alonon meeting or have your children check out alateen. Make copies of very important documents that you might need int he future and hide them or take them to a friend. Take notes of dates and events that happen. If you can tuck away a little cash, hide it in your car, friends or garage. Be prepared, if one day you and your kids need to leave and might never come back.
Hugs my friends, you have joined the right place, this is the first day of the rest of your life!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 137
Lady E, I am sorry for what you have to go through. I gave been in a relationship with an addict for a year, no kids, thanks God. Around the time he started to drink and abuse drugs, I changed my job. It was a hell, I nearly lost the job because the stress. He was insecure and hated himself. Several times he told me things that hurt me but I knew it was more about him. He wasn't thinking that about me, but about himself and it was easier for him to say that I have problem. This way he didn't have to change. The abuse you are going through is on completely different level with children involved. Please, get help. It's really not you. I am sure that as soon as he dissappear from your life, you will feel happy, attractive and your job will either remain or u find something else. Don't let him destroy you. Take care.
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