Feeling so low...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 144
I think you just got bombarded with a lot of verbal,psychological,emotional abuse.
One thing I've had to question is why do I expect support and compassion from someone who is CLEARLY incapable of giving it. That's my own set up.
One thing I've had to question is why do I expect support and compassion from someone who is CLEARLY incapable of giving it. That's my own set up.
Originally Posted by LadyEdith 
Hi everyone. I'm feeling very down and I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know if the problems I'm experiencing are truly being created by me, as AH says, or if this is a manifestation of what is going on in my continuing life with an alcoholic.
I have a job in an office that is very high-pressure, high-volume and requires a high attention to detail. I was OK with things at work for more than a year, but after four years of constant stress at work and home, I found myself unable to keep up. As a result, I'm losing my job.
I came home and told AH. Instead of providing comfort and reassurance, he took the opportunity to kick me when I was down. Hard. He launched into this diatribe on how he has given up on ever being intimate with me (who could be willingly intimate with someone who treats their loved ones so poorly?) and that this is indicative of a bigger problem...with ME. He said he has stood by me for 20 years and has finally given up on me. And now my employer is giving up on me too. And soon everyone else will, too. Family, friends, etc. I was reduced to tears. After I cried for a while he hugged me and said "but I still love you!"
He also told me that I think more highly of myself than I should and that I had better figure out what I really am, and fast, before we all wind up homeless. I was reduced to tears even further. I have carried out family financially for almost our entire marriage. I provide the insurance and the lion's share of the income. He works part time and drinks half of his pay away.
My counselor (who specializes in addiction) told me he is yelling at a mirror. That he sees his own inadequacies and tries to place them on his loved ones. AH told me once that I'm a "fat, middle-aged mother of two" and that no one but him would ever love me. He said I can't maintain relationships and that even the kids will eventually leave me because they will see what I really am. He has no real friends and his own family pulled away from him because of his behavior. I still have friends from high school who I am still close to...but can't have around him because of his behavior.
I don't know what to think anymore. Is this my fault really? Or is this what my mom says is really his deteriorating mental state? I've been searching myself to see what I could change and will work to fix what I find wrong, but I don't know if that will make things better overall.
Thanks for reading this...it helps to put it out there.
I have a job in an office that is very high-pressure, high-volume and requires a high attention to detail. I was OK with things at work for more than a year, but after four years of constant stress at work and home, I found myself unable to keep up. As a result, I'm losing my job.
I came home and told AH. Instead of providing comfort and reassurance, he took the opportunity to kick me when I was down. Hard. He launched into this diatribe on how he has given up on ever being intimate with me (who could be willingly intimate with someone who treats their loved ones so poorly?) and that this is indicative of a bigger problem...with ME. He said he has stood by me for 20 years and has finally given up on me. And now my employer is giving up on me too. And soon everyone else will, too. Family, friends, etc. I was reduced to tears. After I cried for a while he hugged me and said "but I still love you!"
He also told me that I think more highly of myself than I should and that I had better figure out what I really am, and fast, before we all wind up homeless. I was reduced to tears even further. I have carried out family financially for almost our entire marriage. I provide the insurance and the lion's share of the income. He works part time and drinks half of his pay away.
My counselor (who specializes in addiction) told me he is yelling at a mirror. That he sees his own inadequacies and tries to place them on his loved ones. AH told me once that I'm a "fat, middle-aged mother of two" and that no one but him would ever love me. He said I can't maintain relationships and that even the kids will eventually leave me because they will see what I really am. He has no real friends and his own family pulled away from him because of his behavior. I still have friends from high school who I am still close to...but can't have around him because of his behavior.
I don't know what to think anymore. Is this my fault really? Or is this what my mom says is really his deteriorating mental state? I've been searching myself to see what I could change and will work to fix what I find wrong, but I don't know if that will make things better overall.
Thanks for reading this...it helps to put it out there.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 19
Thank you all again for your wonderful advice. I will look into some of the resources you mentioned. I did talk with a shark of a divorce attorney around 10 years ago. I found that my AH was actively seeking someone to mess around with. Craig's list, chat rooms, etc. He specifically stated that he was not looking for a relationship, just someone to sleep with. At the time I had a six year old and an infant, working a full time job and keeping up the house. His drinking was getting worse at the time and he would wake me up out of a sound sleep by vomiting in the bathroom from too much to drink or would make so much noise laughing or carrying on. I didn't pursue the divorce because the attorney told me I would most likely have to pay alimony to AH and I could barely keep a roof over our head as it was. So I backed down.
When I was pregnant with my youngest AH decided to quit his job. He refused to find work for a year and I supported the family on my income alone. It just barely paid the bills. I ran up the credit cards just to keep us fed. I had no maternity clothes and relied on the kindness of my family to get me through. Yet, he found money for alcohol. His dad would give him $20 for running him to the grocery store. Instead of buying milk or bread for the family he went straight to the liquor store. It pretty much ruined us financially and I'm still trying to dig out from the damage.
After my youngest was born he stumbled on the job he currently has...a very nice employer and good work environment but he brings in about 1/3 of what he could in the position he is. I've asked him time and again to please ask if he could go full time. His boss offered it before. He also offered to take AH on as a partner if he finished his bachelor's and went on to get his law degree. I work in the higher education field and AH could've finished both degrees for free (or close to it), but he didn't. He is two classes shy of earning his bachelor's degree and won't go back because he doesn't see the point of it. He said that the diploma is just a piece of paper and that too many "idiots" get their degree for it to mean anything. Two classes shy of a bachelor's degree. We wound up taking out student loans to cover books and fees and things, and now I'm stuck paying for loans on a degree he never finished!
You know, looking back in all of this he would deny it all if confronted with it. Say that it was my imagination, that I was making it all up and it wasn't all that bad. AH comes from an alcoholic family and this behavior was the norm, I guess. Ruined holidays, promises that fell through. Emotional abuse. He thinks emotional abuse isn't really abuse and has said so. The kids don't want to be around him and it's so hard to keep things functioning when the person who should be my partner is so hard to live with.
When I was pregnant with my youngest AH decided to quit his job. He refused to find work for a year and I supported the family on my income alone. It just barely paid the bills. I ran up the credit cards just to keep us fed. I had no maternity clothes and relied on the kindness of my family to get me through. Yet, he found money for alcohol. His dad would give him $20 for running him to the grocery store. Instead of buying milk or bread for the family he went straight to the liquor store. It pretty much ruined us financially and I'm still trying to dig out from the damage.
After my youngest was born he stumbled on the job he currently has...a very nice employer and good work environment but he brings in about 1/3 of what he could in the position he is. I've asked him time and again to please ask if he could go full time. His boss offered it before. He also offered to take AH on as a partner if he finished his bachelor's and went on to get his law degree. I work in the higher education field and AH could've finished both degrees for free (or close to it), but he didn't. He is two classes shy of earning his bachelor's degree and won't go back because he doesn't see the point of it. He said that the diploma is just a piece of paper and that too many "idiots" get their degree for it to mean anything. Two classes shy of a bachelor's degree. We wound up taking out student loans to cover books and fees and things, and now I'm stuck paying for loans on a degree he never finished!
You know, looking back in all of this he would deny it all if confronted with it. Say that it was my imagination, that I was making it all up and it wasn't all that bad. AH comes from an alcoholic family and this behavior was the norm, I guess. Ruined holidays, promises that fell through. Emotional abuse. He thinks emotional abuse isn't really abuse and has said so. The kids don't want to be around him and it's so hard to keep things functioning when the person who should be my partner is so hard to live with.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Find a new shark...things have changed in ten years in most places about what constitutes abuse and there is more and more recognition of the damage emotional abuse and blackmail does to spouses and children.
Oh and if there's a way to subtly help shove him out the door...maybe tell him you have given up sex and whatever he does about that is his problem? Then maybe he'll find his next victim more quickly?
Oh and if there's a way to subtly help shove him out the door...maybe tell him you have given up sex and whatever he does about that is his problem? Then maybe he'll find his next victim more quickly?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 19
Originally Posted by Forourgirls
^ Aries-the worst treatment I received during my marriage was when I was pregnant with our second child....violent, narcissistic, cruel, sex crazed disgusting and abusuve treatment became the norm - while I was carrying his child!!! And it didn't stop afterwards. These "men" are lower than scum on the ground. Literally.
LadyE-the reason he projects all this onto you is literally bc he truly thinks nobody would love him!! So he has to tear you down so you don't leave him-which to a narc, brushing their fragile ego, is the single worst thing you can do. RUN away. I'm sure he may try to make your life hell if you leave-but it sure sounds like hell already, if we are being honest. You have a chance to live...and follow your happiness for you and your children. Get away from this controlling and abusive person.
LadyE-the reason he projects all this onto you is literally bc he truly thinks nobody would love him!! So he has to tear you down so you don't leave him-which to a narc, brushing their fragile ego, is the single worst thing you can do. RUN away. I'm sure he may try to make your life hell if you leave-but it sure sounds like hell already, if we are being honest. You have a chance to live...and follow your happiness for you and your children. Get away from this controlling and abusive person.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 19
Originally Posted by Ariesagain
Find a new shark...things have changed in ten years in most places about what constitutes abuse and there is more and more recognition of the damage emotional abuse and blackmail does to spouses and children.
Oh and if there's a way to subtly help shove him out the door...maybe tell him you have given up sex and whatever he does about that is his problem? Then maybe he'll find his next victim more quickly?
Oh and if there's a way to subtly help shove him out the door...maybe tell him you have given up sex and whatever he does about that is his problem? Then maybe he'll find his next victim more quickly?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Lady E-I'm so sorry to say that I understand that ^. My ex would abuse me then drunkenly scream (happened while I was pregnant too) that all I needed to do was feed him and f$ck him-lovely words, eh?). I guess I was to prostitute myself in hopes that he wouldn't abuse me, bc naturally that was my fault that he abused me so it was also my fault to make it stop. Lovely. Gee, I wonder why I didn't want to have sex with him.
Friend-find another lawyer, and please get yourself some support....this guy is a violent, arrogant, disgusting abuser. Let some other poor woman deal with him while you move on with your life in peace.
Thinking of you and praying for you!
Friend-find another lawyer, and please get yourself some support....this guy is a violent, arrogant, disgusting abuser. Let some other poor woman deal with him while you move on with your life in peace.
Thinking of you and praying for you!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Lady E-I think it was another member here (The Uncertainty) that posted a link to Lundy Bancroft's excerpt from his book describing how many abusive men's mask comes off when their wife is pregnant or after the birth of a child. I highly recommend you reading the classic "why does he do that - inside the mind of controlling and abusive men". It will be an eye opener and head nodder for you for sure.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
LadyEdith.....you say that" it is so hard to keep things functioning".......
But......how "functioning" is it, really?
You are miserable and worn down....and, the children don't want to be around him. It sounds, to me, like it has been dysfunctional for many years.....
And, the children are absorbing all of this....they are like little sponges, you know......
Now, I am definitely NOT discounting how hard you have WORKED .....and, put up with treatment that no woman should ever have to....
It sounds like trying to push a boulder up a steep hill....and, wearing yourself down all the while....
When you said that he worked in the legal world, I thought that he might be some sort of high powered F. Lee Bailey type....And--the truth is that he is a part time employee without an undergraduate degree in a law practice....
All I am saying is that his claiming that he can destroy you in the courts, based on that, is an outrageous overestimation of his "power".....
It sounds a lot like the "Wizard" in the wizard of Oz......
He sounds like an abusive, narcissistic underachiever....so, I do not think that you should stir the pot by getting in his face and confronting him on his short coming.....that could accelerate abuse.
Keep a low profile about your possible plans...and conduct yourself as you normally would....as you direct your energy toward your own welfare.....
You have more power than you think....you have just been worn down by abuse and fear.....
Find out the facts...the real facts (not his presented threats). You need legal advice that is not over a decade old....and, from someone in this area of family law....
Knowledge is power.
Gather together the professionals that can and will help you....
Keep talking to us...and read and learn everything you can....
Learn from the women (and men) that have walked in your same shoes.....as, they know the path out of the forest.....
I am glad that you seem willing to keep posting....and, to consider the words of those that have your welfare at heart.....
dandylion
But......how "functioning" is it, really?
You are miserable and worn down....and, the children don't want to be around him. It sounds, to me, like it has been dysfunctional for many years.....
And, the children are absorbing all of this....they are like little sponges, you know......
Now, I am definitely NOT discounting how hard you have WORKED .....and, put up with treatment that no woman should ever have to....
It sounds like trying to push a boulder up a steep hill....and, wearing yourself down all the while....
When you said that he worked in the legal world, I thought that he might be some sort of high powered F. Lee Bailey type....And--the truth is that he is a part time employee without an undergraduate degree in a law practice....
All I am saying is that his claiming that he can destroy you in the courts, based on that, is an outrageous overestimation of his "power".....
It sounds a lot like the "Wizard" in the wizard of Oz......
He sounds like an abusive, narcissistic underachiever....so, I do not think that you should stir the pot by getting in his face and confronting him on his short coming.....that could accelerate abuse.
Keep a low profile about your possible plans...and conduct yourself as you normally would....as you direct your energy toward your own welfare.....
You have more power than you think....you have just been worn down by abuse and fear.....
Find out the facts...the real facts (not his presented threats). You need legal advice that is not over a decade old....and, from someone in this area of family law....
Knowledge is power.
Gather together the professionals that can and will help you....
Keep talking to us...and read and learn everything you can....
Learn from the women (and men) that have walked in your same shoes.....as, they know the path out of the forest.....
I am glad that you seem willing to keep posting....and, to consider the words of those that have your welfare at heart.....
dandylion
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