I'm Falling Apart
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Canada
Posts: 235
NYCDoglvr,
Sometimes, I think that comparing the maturity level of active A's to that of a teenager is offensive... to the teenager that is. I have know many teenagers to be more level headed and adjusted.
I think comparing it to a 6 year-old on a semi-permanent tantrum is more like it. They actually have the same excuses than 6 year-old
"Little Tommy, why did you say hurful things to you friend?"
"He was mean to me and said hurtful things, I wanted to hurt him too"....
Yup, A's and Little Tommy, same level maturity...
Sometimes, I think that comparing the maturity level of active A's to that of a teenager is offensive... to the teenager that is. I have know many teenagers to be more level headed and adjusted.
I think comparing it to a 6 year-old on a semi-permanent tantrum is more like it. They actually have the same excuses than 6 year-old
"Little Tommy, why did you say hurful things to you friend?"
"He was mean to me and said hurtful things, I wanted to hurt him too"....
Yup, A's and Little Tommy, same level maturity...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 52
Originally Posted by AlcSis 
Gemlitigate,
I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I understand; have totally been in your shoes.....
You have been NC for 7 weeks; I was told (and have read) that it takes a good 3 months to "get over" someone with whom we have had a close, intimate relationship. Many times, (most) there is a "feel-good" chemical called oxytocin generated when we are in a "loving", physical relationship. This chemical BONDS us to the person we love (or think we do).
EVEN if the relationship was not a "good, healthy one". (e.g., affected by alcoholism).
Studies have shown that it can take 3 months of TOTAL NC for the effects of oxytocin to wear off. (Even the sound of a person's voice can reactivate oxytocin.) Think of this chemical as an "addicting" chemical - between you and your xABF. (And, sadly, we can and do become "addicted" to our alcoholics and addicts.)
You have been "triggered" hearing about him. And the oxytocin is kicking in. Don't beat yourself up.
You WILL get over him.
Hang in there, and know that your current feelings will pass.
Try to remember the saying "This Too, Shall Pass" - when having such intense emotions.
In the future if someone wants to give you an update about your xABF - just say - "Please - I don't want to know or hear anything about him."
Meditate. And Be Present For Your Kids.
And Yes, "This Too, Shall Pass......"
Sending warm (healthy - oxytocin free) hugs to you.
p.s. Do you REALLY think he has changed and is physically and mentally "sober" - after only 7 weeks?
I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I understand; have totally been in your shoes.....
You have been NC for 7 weeks; I was told (and have read) that it takes a good 3 months to "get over" someone with whom we have had a close, intimate relationship. Many times, (most) there is a "feel-good" chemical called oxytocin generated when we are in a "loving", physical relationship. This chemical BONDS us to the person we love (or think we do).
EVEN if the relationship was not a "good, healthy one". (e.g., affected by alcoholism).
Studies have shown that it can take 3 months of TOTAL NC for the effects of oxytocin to wear off. (Even the sound of a person's voice can reactivate oxytocin.) Think of this chemical as an "addicting" chemical - between you and your xABF. (And, sadly, we can and do become "addicted" to our alcoholics and addicts.)
You have been "triggered" hearing about him. And the oxytocin is kicking in. Don't beat yourself up.
You WILL get over him.
Hang in there, and know that your current feelings will pass.
Try to remember the saying "This Too, Shall Pass" - when having such intense emotions.
In the future if someone wants to give you an update about your xABF - just say - "Please - I don't want to know or hear anything about him."
Meditate. And Be Present For Your Kids.
And Yes, "This Too, Shall Pass......"
Sending warm (healthy - oxytocin free) hugs to you.
p.s. Do you REALLY think he has changed and is physically and mentally "sober" - after only 7 weeks?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: London, UK
Posts: 53
I thought I'd chime in here. After a short but intense 2 month relationship I split from my ABF, and only 3 weeks ago enforced strict no contact, after our ' friendship' was too exhausting, and dealing with his constant manipulation too difficult. Well a legal situation involving his unpaid DUI at my home address forced me to have to meet him again. And guess what, he turned up in a car with an attractive blond woman. It took all my strength not to comment, and just deal with him calmly. I have to admit I felt a pang of anger, how could he get a replacement so quickly, and such an attractive one at that? !! But the over-riding thought in my mind was, there's the next victim, she's in for a **** storm soon enough.
The next few days Bailiffs turned up at my home for his unpaid fine (he lied about taking care of it- of course), and I have fallen ill, from the strain. But at least I know I'm on the recovery path, and someone else can deal with him now. Maybe if you see it as the problem being passed on to someone else (poor woman) it won't hurt so bad!
The next few days Bailiffs turned up at my home for his unpaid fine (he lied about taking care of it- of course), and I have fallen ill, from the strain. But at least I know I'm on the recovery path, and someone else can deal with him now. Maybe if you see it as the problem being passed on to someone else (poor woman) it won't hurt so bad!
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Yeah... The first few weeks of your relationship with him were pretty "amazing" too, I'll bet - then look what that turned into. You should actually pity the poor girl and be happy you got of his roller coaster. Don't give him so much power and space in your head.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 38
Just checking back in two weeks later, almost 10 weeks NC. I still can't get the image of him and his new GF out of my thoughts - the two of them doing all the things we planned together this spring and summer. I know no new contact is no new hurts but I think I'm retreated into full avoidance mode. I'm afraid to go to any and all places we've been to together for fear of running into them. Restaurants, malls, certain streets. I go out of my way to take longer roads. I won't turn on the news or TV for fear of hearing his name. This cannot be healthy.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I'm afraid to go to any and all places we've been to together for fear of running into them. Restaurants, malls, certain streets. I go out of my way to take longer roads. I won't turn on the news or TV for fear of hearing his name
I live close to XABF. He quickly got together with another addict after I told him to leave me alone....naturally. I DO NOT want to see him / them. It triggers me - a terrible mix of emotions....anger, hurt, fear, regret....and just general sadness, for both of them. I also take a round about way home, but we are in a small town, with partially the same route to work, and it's inevitable. I WILL see him / them. Gradually, my nasty triggering feeling of disgust, and lack of forgiveness for myself will transition to just - "meh." I will one day hope for sobriety for them both, and that's all that will rise in me when I see them.
You are doing just fine - you are taking the long way home for YOU right now, and that is OK!!!
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Within a week of my filing for divorce, now xAH had introduced our kids to girlfriend #1 of the many who have followed...
And when she wasn't with him during his parenting time, he was telling our kids tales about how fun and amazing she was and how she could not wait to do __________________________ (fill in the blank) with the girls.
I was DEVASTATED -- for a long time... I was grieving my marriage, and even though I KNEW he was an abusive a$$, it still hurt to let it go, and hurt all the more to be replaced so FAST.
My self worth, after years of being with an abusive drunk was nil. Sounds like yours is as well. And I feel terribly for you.
Fast forward 4 years and countless girlfriends later and it is clear to me now that A's (or perhaps narcissists) do the following upon a relationships end:
a) quickly seek a source to tell them NOTHING was their doing
b) quickly seek a source to enable/coddle/allow/praise whatever behavior they want enabling/coddling/praising for
c) tell EVERYONE who will listen (including your well intentioned albeit not too sensible to relay this all to you, brother) how much BETTER their life is with the new partner of the week
d) rapidly cycle through this pattern with a new person once the gig is up and the newest person starts to get wise...
Trust me, I know all too well, how devastating it feels, how personal it feels, how hard it is.
I thought I was being replaced not only as a wife but as a MOM. That was horrid for me...
But my xAH and your xABF and I'd venture to say, many, many other non recovering/recovered A's are laser focussed on protecting the addiction no matter what and seeking sources of reinforcement to tell them their lifestyle and choices are fine...
What better way to do that than to find a new partner.
I know it doesn't feel like it now, but please trust that this is not something unique to you, that so so many of us have been through it and you WILL come out the other side and be grateful, eventually, that you got out.
And when she wasn't with him during his parenting time, he was telling our kids tales about how fun and amazing she was and how she could not wait to do __________________________ (fill in the blank) with the girls.
I was DEVASTATED -- for a long time... I was grieving my marriage, and even though I KNEW he was an abusive a$$, it still hurt to let it go, and hurt all the more to be replaced so FAST.
My self worth, after years of being with an abusive drunk was nil. Sounds like yours is as well. And I feel terribly for you.
Fast forward 4 years and countless girlfriends later and it is clear to me now that A's (or perhaps narcissists) do the following upon a relationships end:
a) quickly seek a source to tell them NOTHING was their doing
b) quickly seek a source to enable/coddle/allow/praise whatever behavior they want enabling/coddling/praising for
c) tell EVERYONE who will listen (including your well intentioned albeit not too sensible to relay this all to you, brother) how much BETTER their life is with the new partner of the week
d) rapidly cycle through this pattern with a new person once the gig is up and the newest person starts to get wise...
Trust me, I know all too well, how devastating it feels, how personal it feels, how hard it is.
I thought I was being replaced not only as a wife but as a MOM. That was horrid for me...
But my xAH and your xABF and I'd venture to say, many, many other non recovering/recovered A's are laser focussed on protecting the addiction no matter what and seeking sources of reinforcement to tell them their lifestyle and choices are fine...
What better way to do that than to find a new partner.
I know it doesn't feel like it now, but please trust that this is not something unique to you, that so so many of us have been through it and you WILL come out the other side and be grateful, eventually, that you got out.
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