Timetoheal12

Or is ir hate/resentment?

My mom often feels the need to tell anyone who would ask her about my dad's condition (he has cirrhosis and is an alcoholic) that he is an alcoholic but that he will never admit it. I tried to tell her that she doesn't has to be telling this information to people who don't believe he is an alcoholic. They're outside our home, so it's really none of their bussiness. Also, alcoholics are - most of the time - on denial of their disease, so, what's her point? I think she does this because this same people often tell her that she does not love him and that is why she is a "terrible wife" who thinks of him as an abusive alcoholic husband and nothing more. I am not sure what to think about it. I know that he is abusive, though.
But she has put up a lot of boundaries.

I don't know. I sometimes wish I wasn't living here. I love them both, but seeing all this makes my head spin.

atalose

You mean that your mom is telling people the truth and using boundaries? You feel that, that is codependent or resentful?

FireSprite

It strikes me as the opposite of codie behavior, actually. It would be more Codie-like to cover up the "secret" and never discuss it with anyone at all.

If these people are accusing her of bad behavior & she's only defending herself with info that they aren't privy to or couldn't have known, I kinda can't blame her.

It got REALLY OLD hearing about how wonderful my drunken husband was & how lucky I was to have him when no one else ever saw his awful behavior. You can only hear stuff like that for so long before you get full "up to here" and just Blow. Up.

It sounds to me like it's really you having an issue with all of it - what is this triggering for you? Shame over people knowing the family's truth or something along those lines? What do you think would be a healthier way for her to handle this?

healthyagain

Perhaps it depends on her motive? I tell the same thing about my ex to people who ask me. Now, I do not go around with a golden trumpet and announce it to everybody, but if they ask, I tell them. That is my right. I've been silent long enough. And alcoholism is a very specific disease that grows in the darkness of secrecy.

Once I found strength to talk about my ex's alcoholism, I was free again.

Timetoheal12

No, I don't think it is codependent. However, I feel like she says it with hate towards him. I don't want her to love him as I don't think he deserves it... But at the same time it makes me sad that my family is like this. I don't know. She has sometimes even told me that I believe she is the "evil one" here, wich is not the case. I don't know. I feel a bit confused.

healthyagain

It takes a superhuman effort not to hate them and let go.

Here are the words of my ex's mom: "Only a woman who went through it herself knows how it feels."

Timetoheal12

Yes, I agree with this. I think what makes me uncomfortable is the fact that she even comes to me at times and tries to defend herself when I haven't said anything at all. I know my father is an alcoholic. I know he is abusive. I know he won't change unless he wants to, and it really does not look like he would ever want. So I am not sure as to why she comes to me sometimes, accusing me of thinking she is the bad one.

She also said to me once: "if people ask you about your ex don't tell them he's abusive or alcoholic because maybe he isn't the same way with everyone" so, I don't know why she does it.

Timetoheal12

I know it myself, I still have feelings of resentment towards my ex, who was emotionally abusive and probably an alcoholic.
I don't blame her for feeling that way.

FireSprite

It sounds like she is kind of just spinning freely in all of this..... if I remember correctly, she's not open to recovery/therapy for herself? Is that right?

Timetoheal12

She isn't, she went to a therapist 4 times two years ago, but that was it.

AnvilheadII

sounds like it would be super healthy for YOU to move out of their house and let them live out their existence as they see fit and not have it be so troubling for you! that's part of why children LEAVE the nest....to get on with their own lives.

dandylion

timetoheal....I suggest that you might read "CoDependent No More".....it is practically classic reading, around here....
It will help to give you a more clear idea of what co-dependency is.......

You are in a tough position.....it is hard to live in your parent's house after a certain age...and it is too hard to expect you to be caught in the m idle of your parent's marriage.....

there is help for your mother....if she will reach out or accept it.....

You can love them...but, you can't fix your parents. They have to want or accept help for themselves.

You are responsible for yourself....and, for all of your decisions and actions.....
That is a big enough job within itself...lol.......

dandylion

FireSprite

You seem to be stuck between 2-non recovering people & that sounds like the very definition of Uncomfortable. It's also not likely to change until one of them changes by choice first. I'd have to detach from mom's behavior sometimes just the same as dad's, if it were me.

Dandy's suggestion is perfect- you can choose a different path!

Liveitwell

I echo Firesprites words-it got really freaking old hearing about how awesome my ex was when not one person knew how awful he could be...or how abusive. But he was the first person to throw me under the bus and allow others to do the same and trash me, meanwhile I kept my mouth shut about his abuse. I wish I had not-I finally started talking and he and his supporters (enablers) didn't like that. You know what?! They don't like it-but I don't care.
Same goes for your mom-she's telling the truth, so what?! That's not a bad thing.
For you??? This is why you cut the cord and get out of your parents house....kids are supposed to spread their wings and fly.....you can choose to leave this dysfunction!!!

redatlanta

I think in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic its logical that she has become miserable. Miserable people are not pleasant. Miserable people are nasty to others.

My guess is your mother has become someone she is not really, and her own behavior surprises her. She looks at her behavior from outside herself, and doesn't like what she sees; therefore, she wonders if others (you) look at her poorly.

Its a vicious cycle.

Liveitwell

Red-that's what happened to me. My behavior due to reacting to an abusuve alcoholic was what got me into recovery. I think CodeJob mentioned above that finding a sense of calm is priceless. I found my peace and calm in my marriage, regardless of what he did. I no longer brought my anger or nasty reactions to the marriage. I didn't let him make me miserable bc I pulled myself up and got help. Still didn't fix him or the marriage, but I was able to leave and find much more peace than I ever thought possible.
OP-you can choose recovery and break free from this toxic crap. So can your mom, but you are not in charge of that. She has to find help for herself.