Not Sure I'm Ok
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 299
Not Sure I'm Ok
Hi,
Just me again. It's been almost a month since I moved out if my home. I really don't feel any better.
I feel a lot of resentment toward my ah. That I had to move out of my home because of his behavior.
My ah is living in our home, didn't have to pack, face up to and pay for a move. Also, I'm not living in the safest place. The dogs are adjusting, but it's taken awhile.
I'm also dealing with a nasty fracture of my shoulder, got the MRI results, MD appt tues. can't help thinking, if I didn't have to move, this wouldn't if happened! I'm in such pain with my shoulder
If seems so unfair, my life has changed in so many ways. My ah's life just goes on, probably with no thought I'd how many people he's hurt!
Why do j still think about him, after what he is doing?
Life doesn't seem fair at all.
I don't want to see any harm come on him, but why is my life so tough, I need a break!!
Sorry, just venting. I have always tried to live a good life, taking care of others and always treating others with respect.
I gave my ah everything I had, my heart, and everything I had money wise.
I have lost everything. Where did I go wrong.
Just very upset tonight. I'll be ok. Thanks for listening.
Just me again. It's been almost a month since I moved out if my home. I really don't feel any better.
I feel a lot of resentment toward my ah. That I had to move out of my home because of his behavior.
My ah is living in our home, didn't have to pack, face up to and pay for a move. Also, I'm not living in the safest place. The dogs are adjusting, but it's taken awhile.
I'm also dealing with a nasty fracture of my shoulder, got the MRI results, MD appt tues. can't help thinking, if I didn't have to move, this wouldn't if happened! I'm in such pain with my shoulder
If seems so unfair, my life has changed in so many ways. My ah's life just goes on, probably with no thought I'd how many people he's hurt!
Why do j still think about him, after what he is doing?
Life doesn't seem fair at all.
I don't want to see any harm come on him, but why is my life so tough, I need a break!!
Sorry, just venting. I have always tried to live a good life, taking care of others and always treating others with respect.
I gave my ah everything I had, my heart, and everything I had money wise.
I have lost everything. Where did I go wrong.
Just very upset tonight. I'll be ok. Thanks for listening.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Sending you a huge hug.
Life has a way of evening things out, especially when we've stepped up and done the right thing, no matter how hard it was.
But sometimes it does take its own sweetass time doing it...
Here, in the meantime, have another hug and some virtual chocolate.
Life has a way of evening things out, especially when we've stepped up and done the right thing, no matter how hard it was.
But sometimes it does take its own sweetass time doing it...
Here, in the meantime, have another hug and some virtual chocolate.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Vent away!
I heard you, and your feelings are valid. Maybe today isn't a good day, but that doesn't mean good days aren't around the corner for you.
It isn't fair, but at least you and your dogs are not in a toxic domicile and are FREE to live as you desire.
Sending encouragement!
It isn't fair, but at least you and your dogs are not in a toxic domicile and are FREE to live as you desire.
Sending encouragement!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm sorry you're having such a bad day. Things WILL get better. That's the thing about life--the good stuff doesn't last forever, nor does the bad. And we don't get rewarded--at least not in the sense of never having bad stuff happen--for being good people.
This is just a sucky time right now. The resentments, though, will make it worse. Keep breathing. Try to think of things to be grateful for--you know there are some. If you nurture these feelings of "injustice" then you will continue to be miserable. If you recognize your circumstances as temporary--part of the uncomfortable path to a better future--you will get some relief.
Hugs,
This is just a sucky time right now. The resentments, though, will make it worse. Keep breathing. Try to think of things to be grateful for--you know there are some. If you nurture these feelings of "injustice" then you will continue to be miserable. If you recognize your circumstances as temporary--part of the uncomfortable path to a better future--you will get some relief.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
when i left my last ex - not due to HIM being the problem, but ME - i left him the house with the newly remodeled kitchen and bath, with the hand picked hickory cabinets, the 6 foot jetted tub, the gorgeous new flooring; my fiesta ware, all the cooking equipment except the good saute pan, a loveseat, my daughters bedroom furniture, including a footlocker i used as a coffee table and two floor lamps.
i moved into a ghetto cinderblock apartment, cheap rent, and set up shop. and i was never happier in all my life. i had shuttled all those THINGS that represented the life i no longer wanted. i went to the dollar store and outfitted myself with plates and mugs and whatnots. 13 years later i still have some of that stuff!
today i have a relationship with a (mostly) wonderful man, and two rarely wonderful dogs (lol), a house on a lake and two cars, both paid off.
that is not to brag - but did it seem like a gal who left it ALL behind to move into a cheapo 1 br apt would end up HERE???
where you are now is not your forever.....it's just the beginning of a new better path!
i moved into a ghetto cinderblock apartment, cheap rent, and set up shop. and i was never happier in all my life. i had shuttled all those THINGS that represented the life i no longer wanted. i went to the dollar store and outfitted myself with plates and mugs and whatnots. 13 years later i still have some of that stuff!
today i have a relationship with a (mostly) wonderful man, and two rarely wonderful dogs (lol), a house on a lake and two cars, both paid off.
that is not to brag - but did it seem like a gal who left it ALL behind to move into a cheapo 1 br apt would end up HERE???
where you are now is not your forever.....it's just the beginning of a new better path!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: NC
Posts: 662
I found that once I stopped worrying about what was fair and what was not and once I stopped concerning myself with anyone else but myself my life became a lot more peaceful.
It gets so easy to think about how easy he has it, how your life is harder, how you got the short end of the stick, etc. but instead, give yourself credit for stepping out of a bad situation. Sure, it would have been nice if you got to stay and he left, but it is better to be the one that left than to stay there with someone who isn't healthy/compatable.
Once you start taking it one day at a time and start taking note of the small positives you will start to realize that you are okay. Addicts live in their own kind of personal hell even if from the outside it looks like they are living a carefree life. Think about how you will continue to move forward and up and up to better things and he will continue to stay in the same spot at best but most likely will continually go downhill.
You can do this, just concentrate on YOU and forget about all the what ifs, the it isn't fair, etc. Today is a new day and your life will go where you lead it.
It gets so easy to think about how easy he has it, how your life is harder, how you got the short end of the stick, etc. but instead, give yourself credit for stepping out of a bad situation. Sure, it would have been nice if you got to stay and he left, but it is better to be the one that left than to stay there with someone who isn't healthy/compatable.
Once you start taking it one day at a time and start taking note of the small positives you will start to realize that you are okay. Addicts live in their own kind of personal hell even if from the outside it looks like they are living a carefree life. Think about how you will continue to move forward and up and up to better things and he will continue to stay in the same spot at best but most likely will continually go downhill.
You can do this, just concentrate on YOU and forget about all the what ifs, the it isn't fair, etc. Today is a new day and your life will go where you lead it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Z-
I know you think he has everything and you got screwed. Honey, life is not that pleasant for an alcoholic. Go read all the symptoms and the crxp they go through. This will bring you "joy" reading how they struggle just living and dealing with life on life's terms.
You might not feel like you are in a better place, but you are. Give it time, the pain doesn't go away that quickly. Someone told me that it takes a long time to heal. The reason was, so you learn never to get in this situation again. You know you need to take one day at a time, just like an addict.
Hugs my friend, it always could be worse!!
I know you think he has everything and you got screwed. Honey, life is not that pleasant for an alcoholic. Go read all the symptoms and the crxp they go through. This will bring you "joy" reading how they struggle just living and dealing with life on life's terms.
You might not feel like you are in a better place, but you are. Give it time, the pain doesn't go away that quickly. Someone told me that it takes a long time to heal. The reason was, so you learn never to get in this situation again. You know you need to take one day at a time, just like an addict.
Hugs my friend, it always could be worse!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Zircon, I really do "feel" for you.
I don't think that you are grieving material things, I think you are more grieving what you thought things could be.
We get older and we think we finally found someone who is OK. Didn't really know how to word that one.
I left my house also. I was afraid to go back and really take anything from it. I realized later on that I didn't want those things anyway. It would have reminded me of that barren house, that I really tried to call a home. It was never a "home". It was an address. It was cold.
I was with him for 25 years, I spent the better part of the last 8 years there with him in the garage, sleeping in the car. There were no pictures on the wall in the house, it was forbidden. So I often think of "house, or a home".
What makes a "home". It's love. It doesn't matter where that home is or what that home is, it's what you make of it.
I don't know if I am making any sense, hope I am. Home is where the heart is.
((((((hugs))))))
amy
PS - I bought a cheap foreclosure, and I go to garage sales, and I put pictures up on all of my walls, and it is me, and I feel like I am "home".
I don't think that you are grieving material things, I think you are more grieving what you thought things could be.
We get older and we think we finally found someone who is OK. Didn't really know how to word that one.
I left my house also. I was afraid to go back and really take anything from it. I realized later on that I didn't want those things anyway. It would have reminded me of that barren house, that I really tried to call a home. It was never a "home". It was an address. It was cold.
I was with him for 25 years, I spent the better part of the last 8 years there with him in the garage, sleeping in the car. There were no pictures on the wall in the house, it was forbidden. So I often think of "house, or a home".
What makes a "home". It's love. It doesn't matter where that home is or what that home is, it's what you make of it.
I don't know if I am making any sense, hope I am. Home is where the heart is.
((((((hugs))))))
amy
PS - I bought a cheap foreclosure, and I go to garage sales, and I put pictures up on all of my walls, and it is me, and I feel like I am "home".
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 333
Originally Posted by Zircon 
Hi,
Just me again. It's been almost a month since I moved out if my home. I really don't feel any better.
I feel a lot of resentment toward my ah. That I had to move out of my home because of his behavior.
Just me again. It's been almost a month since I moved out if my home. I really don't feel any better.
I feel a lot of resentment toward my ah. That I had to move out of my home because of his behavior.
It helps to focus on the ways in which your own life is improving since moving out. Focus on how much quieter and peaceful your home can be. Focus on the things that interest you.
If you have a higher power, focus on your personal relationship with that power.
What I find helps me the most is a combination of focusing on my health/fitness level and adhering to my personal moral compass. And sleep! Get plenty of sleep, it does the mind and body good.
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
Life is not "fair", it just is. While things may appear much better for your AH, they are likely just the opposite. If he is still drinking then he is likely living a living hell. You have removed yourself from that hell. Many of us alcoholics can put up a good front, but that is all it is is a front.
Now you have an opportunity to make a life for yourself without worrying and being brought down by someone else. It will take some time, but every positive action you take brings some positive results that build over time.
I wish you the best. Just keep placing one foot in front of the other. Essentially, you are out of it and recovering from "his" alcoholism. He unfortunately is not. You will get better. Things will get better.
Now you have an opportunity to make a life for yourself without worrying and being brought down by someone else. It will take some time, but every positive action you take brings some positive results that build over time.
I wish you the best. Just keep placing one foot in front of the other. Essentially, you are out of it and recovering from "his" alcoholism. He unfortunately is not. You will get better. Things will get better.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
At the Alanon meeting I went to last night, the topic was patience. There were a lot of more or less "standard" shares about how, since Alanon, people were able to be more patient w/family/coworkers, able to handle things better, etc. However, one person shared about how patience had allowed her to simply sit w/her feelings during bad times and in doing so, she had found gratitude for those bad times b/c they showed her she had the capacity to mourn and feel her feelings. They forced her to reach out for support and see that she had people who cared about her. She didn't like the bad, hard, troubled times, but she was able to see how they helped her grow and that they served a purpose.
Right now, in the midst of all you're dealing with, that might seem a stretch for you. I'll bet, though, that as time passes (and time takes time), you'll start to feel some of that yourself.
It's really not about him, what he's got or not, what he is doing or not. It's all about you and where you're headed.
Right now, in the midst of all you're dealing with, that might seem a stretch for you. I'll bet, though, that as time passes (and time takes time), you'll start to feel some of that yourself.
It's really not about him, what he's got or not, what he is doing or not. It's all about you and where you're headed.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
Remember Zircon that you will be asking for assets in the divorce
which you should be able to get back--and you didn't want to
stay in the house for safety reasons.
This is a step on the way, but do get the divorce things rolling while
he still is at least partially functioning, because it sounds like he won't be
for long.
When that happens, his facade of "doing well" will crumble and those assets
will be going fast.
He isn't doing as well as he lets on--I agree with others.
When you're drinking like that, you are miserable, sick, and paranoid.
You aren't happy, so you drink even more.
It's nothing a healthy person would want, believe me.
which you should be able to get back--and you didn't want to
stay in the house for safety reasons.
This is a step on the way, but do get the divorce things rolling while
he still is at least partially functioning, because it sounds like he won't be
for long.
When that happens, his facade of "doing well" will crumble and those assets
will be going fast.
He isn't doing as well as he lets on--I agree with others.
When you're drinking like that, you are miserable, sick, and paranoid.
You aren't happy, so you drink even more.
It's nothing a healthy person would want, believe me.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
Hugs, Zircon. Repeat after me: This . . . too . . . shall. . . pass. And there is another saying: Grass always looks greener on the other side of fence. The only issue is, what you see as grass is actually weed. Because no one is taking care of that lawn on the other side. And you are working hard on yours.
It takes some time for things to start falling in their place. Then you will look back and think, "OMG, did I really really live with THAT?"
It takes some time for things to start falling in their place. Then you will look back and think, "OMG, did I really really live with THAT?"
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I had to keep reminding myself I am not going to feel like this forever.
Lots of recent changes and adjustments for you, that is for certain.
You get to write the next chapter of your life, embrace it and make it count.
Sending healing vibes for your shoulder.
Lots of recent changes and adjustments for you, that is for certain.
You get to write the next chapter of your life, embrace it and make it count.
Sending healing vibes for your shoulder.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
Hi Zircon,
I keep thinking about your post, and especially your title.
I think it's good to connect with everyone here, as certainly some of us have similar experiences and can help you feel better to know that you're not the only one have to deal with genuinely suck-y circumstances. And it takes an enormous amount of energy to cope with physical pain, leaving very little for emotional resilience. The song from "Annie" is helpful too, even when you don't believe it ("The sun will come up, tomorrow . . . ").
Are you able to reach out for professional help. You say that you don't think you're doing well. I think you should listen to that self-assessment. Are you seeing a therapist? Do you have access to one through benefits, or local support agency? It can be very helpful to have a professional listen to the crap you're going through and help you to process it. Mine has been really helpful in validating my feelings but also in helping me to think through the my choices when it comes to the part of my life that I can control.
Which reminds me--I hope you are doing something that you enjoy, even in the midst of the pain and anger. Walks with the dogs? Watching a comedy on TV? Making yourself something good to eat? Remember to take care of yourself--
I keep thinking about your post, and especially your title.
I think it's good to connect with everyone here, as certainly some of us have similar experiences and can help you feel better to know that you're not the only one have to deal with genuinely suck-y circumstances. And it takes an enormous amount of energy to cope with physical pain, leaving very little for emotional resilience. The song from "Annie" is helpful too, even when you don't believe it ("The sun will come up, tomorrow . . . ").
Are you able to reach out for professional help. You say that you don't think you're doing well. I think you should listen to that self-assessment. Are you seeing a therapist? Do you have access to one through benefits, or local support agency? It can be very helpful to have a professional listen to the crap you're going through and help you to process it. Mine has been really helpful in validating my feelings but also in helping me to think through the my choices when it comes to the part of my life that I can control.
Which reminds me--I hope you are doing something that you enjoy, even in the midst of the pain and anger. Walks with the dogs? Watching a comedy on TV? Making yourself something good to eat? Remember to take care of yourself--
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think when we are in physical pain the emotional pain becomes compounded. I hope you get some relief for your shoulder soon.
As many of the others said, this is not your forever place in life it’s simply a stop along the way. Not all of our stops are going to happy pleasant places but necessary in our travels.
I always remind myself of where I would be if I hadn’t left, hadn’t found the courage or strength to leave and when I remember all the pain, hurt, lies, anxiety and sleepless nights – I thank my hire power that I am no longer back there.
As many of the others said, this is not your forever place in life it’s simply a stop along the way. Not all of our stops are going to happy pleasant places but necessary in our travels.
I always remind myself of where I would be if I hadn’t left, hadn’t found the courage or strength to leave and when I remember all the pain, hurt, lies, anxiety and sleepless nights – I thank my hire power that I am no longer back there.
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