Kata

Hi everyone,

I have been on one hell of an emotional roller coaster since Friday. Since he was hurting, he felt that the best possible solution was to hurt me too. Unfortunately, I had to at least respond to some of his texts as my parents were home and he could very well have decided to come over, and I didn't want to put my parents through that.

So I had to see all those not so nice texts. All those messages where he felt he had a right to use things I had confided in him. Things he new that were hard for me.

Now, to be clear, I can be very good at that game. He's actually not that gifted in the "psychological warfare" side of things. Probably due to his lack of empathy. It's harder to use people's feelings against them if you don't really understand them. On the other side, I can be quite gifted at using people's feelings against them. I just choose not to. I choose to be a decent and good human being. I chose not to hurt people who hurt me. And if I ever inadvertently hurt someone, I apologize sincerly and strive to never do it again.

Now, I'm not perfect and I've acted as a mean bi?%$ when I was younger. I do my best to fight fair, but I'm not always perfect.

I've never thought it could be so hard to respond to his hurtful attacks by "That was mean and I feel hurt, please stop" "I've told you to stop and you haven't, please leave".

And now, I just feel overwhelmed by the rage. I don't think I ever felt so much rage in my life. It's a good thing that all my friends were busy this weekend and that I had work to do, as I'm sure that the first person to say the wrong things to me would have been a target for all that rage.

Usually, when I'm angry or frustrated I go to my Krav Maga class, one a day if need be, but I've had a back spasm since Thursday and could go.

Now I feel like yelling, throwing things, punching things. Had to that the fact that I feel sad and got angry because I had to suck the tears back in when I went grocery shopping as I refuse to cry in public.

So yeah, I'm a bit of a mess.

I know that once all that past, I'll be relieved and proud of myself for having acted in a decent, grown-up manner. But how to I evacutate all that rage in a healthy way?

dandylion

Kata.....Much of the time (not always...there is such a thing as righteous anger)....underlying anger is a lot of hurt/pain/sadness.....but, anger is the emotion that is "felt" and expressed.....

I imagine that you have, over time, lots of stuffed sad and painful feelings.

What is the big deal about crying in public?
So far as I know...nobody has been damaged by seeing somebody else cry in public.....

dandylion

Liveitwell

Just my two cents after everything I've gone through and seeing what my ex went through for years. Under ALL anger and rage is hurt....it's hurt and sadness. Dandy's words are great. I think it's normal to feel what you're feeling-I know I was there...it took TIME to even out and find the peace I was seeking. You will get there. Promise!!!! Keep posting; we are here for you

Kata

Dandylion, Yes there is a lot of stuffed sad and painful feelings.

There is anger in what I'm feeling. But it's mostly rage... It's really not pretty. It the "take a baseball bat to a salvage yard and hit everything until exhaustion" kind of rage...

As for not crying in public. I guess I shouldn't have a problem with that, I sure don't have a problem when others do. But I don't like to be open with my feelings in public.

Kata

Fourourgirls, Yes, there is hurt and sadness. I'm also angry at myself. Angry that I believed all those promisses, angry that I kept on believing and betting on his damn potential, even if he proved me wrong again and again. Angry that I've been so naive, so trusting. I'm angry that he exploited all my nice qualities, my empathy, my trust, my generosity.

But at the same time, I never not want to be naive or trusting. I never not want to me generous, I never want to stop showing kidness and empathy to the people in my life.

I wasn't alway such an nice and good person. In my early 20's, my good qualities were often overruled by my impulsivity. It was very hard for me not to hurt people who had hurt me. I work hard to get to where I have right now. To be accountable and a decent, good and kind human being.

And now, I'm scared that all that rage is going to swallow me whole.

It's scares me that right now, I would like nothing better to just hurt him and make him feel all that I've kept bottled up. I won't do it, but it scares me that a part of me feels like it would be a wonderful way to spend my Sunday evening.

dandylion

Kata.....so....take a baseball bat to the salvage yard and hit everything until you are exhausted......

this is similar to my favorite thing....which I call the "wailing wall"......
go to a deserted or totally private place. Pretend that the person who had hurt you is in front of you.
then let loose on everything you want to say to them....totally uncensored.
scream, cry, call them names, tell them the awful thing that you want to happen to them.... Scream at God or the Universe......
Scream until you are hoarse..cry until your face is swollen and the snot ru ns down your face. do it until you are exhausted....
I have done this to get it all o ut...and, there was no other way.....
It works....I swear, it does.....

I wonder if you grew up in a "stiff upper lip" sort of family environment. Or, that you had to keep lots of your feelings to yourself....

dandylion

Kata

Dandylion,

My mother doesn't show her feelings much. My dad is quite the opposite. It's the italian side of the family. Actually, for a long time, my problem was that I was prone to outburst. I had nooooo problem showing my feelings in public... Much to much feelings in public. Or any not appropriate time or place.

Ariesagain

One thought...you seem maybe to still be assuming that he's in his right mind and coldly, shrewdly attacking where you're vulnerable?

He's not within shouting distance of his right mind and if he's hitting targets, it's just by dumb luck and lizard brain instincts.

You have every right to be angry. You don't have to justify it or re-visit your own "crimes"...

But it really is like dealing with a psychotic toddler in mid-tantrum, not like dealing with an adult. Maybe it would help a little if you can let go of that expectation?

It will get better.

Bekindalways

Hi Kata, come on over and sit next to me! Rage. Yep. Been there and probably will be there again. I figure it is just the non-physical way of bleeding. You have been badly hurt and so rage is the normal response. Good for you for not committing any crimes however much you might want to.

dandylion

Kata....if my memory serves me ...I believe that you said that you had adhd...
Pleeease correct me if I am wrong!
Do you think that the outbursts that you describe stem from the impusivesness of adhd?
It sounds like you have done a lot of work to control that.....

All I am saying is...go easy on yourself, right now...Express your feelings in any way that you can (like the wailing wall)......
Crying is good....it is nature's way.....
I think what you are feeling is normal for your situation.....and, your feelings need expression....
As long as you don't hurt anyone.....the world won't suffer because kata has feelings and releases them.
The locusts wont come...and, the world will still spin on it's axis.......

dandylion

Kata

Ariesagain, I know he's not always in his right mind. However, right mind or not you can be sure that his time it was not lizard instinct. He made sure to pick the things that would hurt me the most. Things I had previously opened up about. Believe me, he knew what he was doing. He went as far as telling me he was doing it to provoque me, to get a reaction out of me.

Kata

Dandylion, yes I have adhd+impulsivity. I have done a lot of work to control that, and I've been taking Concerta everyday plus Ritalin prn since my diagnonsis almost 3 years ago.

The rage scares me now because it's not akin to any outburst I can remember, and I have taken my Concerta today...

Now, I'm still in control of the impulsivity as I have not called him to yell at him until he's curled up in a ball crying and calling for his mama. I have also refrained from going to look for him as the end result would not be pretty.

So there's that I guess. I've turned off my phone and I have been kitchen dancing/yelling/crying to calm myself down.

dandylion

Kata...perhaps, you have never experienced this degree of grieving, ever before...
It can be indescribably, excrutiatingly painful.....

Dancing, yelling, crying in the kitchen....GOOD!!

dandylion

Kata

And you know what I'm angry because in his mind it's never his fault, the workd is against him, if he goes on a bender it's because his mama pushed him to, or anybody else for that matter. Or if he's not acting like an adult it's because his mother kicked him out at 17 because he was selling coke, abd he wasn't as lucky as I was, my life was perfect, his wasn't, he has good reasons for having a "drinking problem".

Well hold it right there you fucktard. Wanna talk about risk factors for addiction? Wanna compare? Because by all accouns, according to statistics, I should be lying in a gutter with a needle in on harm and a bottle in the other hand. And you know what, I never went there. I never walked that path.

It's not luck you imbecile, it's called hard work. It's dragging yourself to a therapist intead of having a drink. It's not luck that I have a great relationship with my parents, it's called communication and work.

Hawkeye13

Well, at least you will have no regrets for the breaking up part now--
he has shown his true colors and that he can't be trusted with your intimate
feelings and confidences.

So there's that.
I do the "wailing wall" thing a lot in Nature--I grew up with
quite a bit of verbal abuse and have some nasty anger I'm still funneling
out and I'm past fifty now.

Better out than in Kata

Kata

Yes, at least now I know.

And apparently my iPod know to. It has decided to play "Beat on the brat" by the Ramones.

How fitting!

Ariesagain

Okay, a playlist might be the thing...I'm sure others would have more current selections, but "Never Gonna Get It" by En Vogue works for me!

Kata

Adding it to tje playlist as we speak!

Kata

Ariesagain! Thank you, that just about managed to make me smile a little!

Ariesagain