Why do I feel such anger, such sadness, such rage.

Old 03-20-2016, 06:18 PM
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The old saying "when somebody shows you who they are, believe them!!". I spent years being angry at him-but underneath all of the anger at him for treating me and our kids the way he did , I was most angry at myself for staying with him. I've still got some lingering that will take a while to work through. At least yours showed his true colors, as did mine. Over time I've become very grateful for that bc it's a constant reminder of what I left behind and will never return to. Nowadays without his demons tearing me up, my life is so much better-and I look at things so much differently. Perspective is everything. Glad you don't have any lingering doubts.
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Old 03-20-2016, 06:45 PM
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Fourourgirls, not having any lingering doubts is a bit strong for now. I'm naive and trusting to a fault.

I have to be honest with myself and admit that if he really tried and found the right button to push, he could be able to hook me again.

Knowing that, I made sure to speak with all my close friends and explain the situation. In the event I get hook, they will provide the tough love needed to bring me back to reality.
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Old 03-20-2016, 07:05 PM
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^ good. And friend, I was there too. I was naive and way too trusting as well. I understand. My then husband DID push all the right buttons and I did give him another chance-but it was all pointless as he revealed his true motives and who he really was. I fell for it too-until I didn't. I too had great support and people to trust showing me that his words were just BS. It didn't take me long to see that his actions were disturbing while his words were charming. I've been there....but it WILL get easier. I'm glad you have a good supprt network.
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Old 03-20-2016, 07:39 PM
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Kata,
I donīt have ADHD but Iīm feeling the same way you do! It scares me because I even imagined myself throwing my new computer against the wall to smash it - I didnīt but it wasnīt a very uplifting thought.

Today I was at the grocery store and I remembered the times we went there together and it made me sad. I thought we really mustīve looked like a stable, happy couple if we were doing domestic chores together. Then I remembered one time after his grandmaīs funeral when we went to buy some things. We were both in formal clothing and mustīve looked really nice. Only, then I remembered the full picture: he was mostly buying wine and vodka, bottles and bottles of it. Also, the previous night I had stayed at his place and he had one of his terrible rants, it got so bad it made me cry. I wanted to go home but didnīt because his grandma had died and I wanted to be loyal to him. Also, I was afraid he would make it seem like I was the heartless one who made some drama on the night before his grandmotherīs funeral.
So yeah, when I remembered the details it made me regain some perspective. Not to say I donīt miss the nice parts but they were more and more few and between. So Iīm thinking whenever I feel sad or angry Iīll try to keep the whole picture in mind, perhaps then Iīll get to only feeling relief.
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Old 03-20-2016, 07:52 PM
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Kata, woman, hang tough. Your anger is entirely justified. Keep posting. You have been fighting the good fight.
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Old 03-20-2016, 07:55 PM
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Kata, I tried to post something for you and lost it.

Hang tough woman; this is tough stuff that you are going through and unfortunately most of us have been through some version of this craziness.

Please do something kind for yourself!
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Old 03-20-2016, 07:56 PM
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Hmmm . . . ok, I guess it went through. May every angel in the universe bombard you!
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Old 03-21-2016, 05:52 AM
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Bluelily, Ah yes, the throwing of the computer against a wall, I'm well acquainted with that feeling. Now, as translators, we both know that the computer is in fact a money-making machine. I know, I know, the A in our life seem to think that the money thingy does it fact grow on trees, but we know better! As such, I don't think it would be a good idea to throw the nice but expensive new money-making machine against the wall. I've grown accustomed to having food on the table and clothes on my back! As I live in the city and don't have a car, I unfortunately cannot live out my fantasy of taking a baseball bat to a salvage yard and beating the cars until I pass out from exhaustion. As Dandylion suggested I would be a healthy way of releasing the rage, I pass on her suggestion to you if it is in the realm of possibility for you. I've also been doing the same as you. I try to keep the whole picture in mind. It's hard to do when flooded by a wave of rage, but it's easier when it subsides a bit. I don't know for you, but at the very least, these episodes of anger and rage have greatly expanded my range of insults. Both in English and in French. I've decided to see it as a creative outlet and as continuing education as a translator. When life gives you lemon, I guess you have no choice but to make lemonade! Fourourgirls, Sometimes, I think that knowing it will get better is the worst part of it. ADHD or not, I am not very patient. I just want to get there already. But I know I have to go through all those damn stages! It's true, I have an amazing support system. Some people have many many friends, but not many they can confided in or rely on. I don't have many friends, but the ones I have are really close friends. They are people that are always on my side no matter what. They will never judge me and will always be there to help me if I need to. And I realized something last night. The fucktard was always telling me that I wasn't there for him when he needed it, etc. And I kept on telling him that I've always been there for him. As I've said before, it's hard sometimes and I feel lonely as all but one of my friends are married, 3 of them have kids and don't live in the city, and another one is going to have her first child in a month. So yes, they cannot come rushing every time I need them. Time together has to be planned in advance. And sometimes, plans are canceled because the kids are sick or they have a family emergency. But they are always there for me. Not always in the way I would like them to, but they are there for me. I felt alone this weekend. I would've loved nothing more than to be surrounded by them, but they couldn't. However, they all took the time to be there for me in ways they could. They talked to me on the phone, texted me, chatted on FB with me. They supported me in ways that were possible for them. And that's where I realized the difference between me and the fucktard (I'm really loving that new name for him): To him, it's not support if it's not done in the way he wants it to be done. To me, support is support. I understand that my friends have their own lives and responsibilities, and I'm happy that they still take the time to be there for me in any way they can at the time. Just now, a friend message me to wish me a wonderful day of dedicated me time as she knows that I've planned to see my therapist this morning, get a massage and a facial this afternoon and go to my dance class tonight. That, in my book, is the very definition of support.
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