questions, divorce, he's sober, my fault?
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 105
questions, divorce, he's sober, my fault?
After years of his drinking ever night till he passes out, I hit what I call my buttom. I stayed for as log as I could. 20 years. I asked for a divorce, he went sober the next day. So , in his mind everything is O.K.. Just go on like nothing eve happened. He was sick. Now he is well. Yack, yack yack....I still wanted the divorce. I went throught with it. We are in the middle of a divorce now. He finally moved out 6 months ago. I had asked for divorce over a year ago.
So now becauce I am going through with the divorce and he is sober, everything about the divorce is my fault. Why don;t I just get over it, he was sick. And on and on. I want nothing to do with his recovery. I am taking care of me and my 2 teenaged kids.
I don;t know if he goes to meetings or anything. I don;t ask and he doesnt tell.
Every time I talk to him he tells me "This is all your fault" "You are f----g up our family, our retirement, our money, everything"
He has dragged out the divorce as far as he can. It really pisses him of that I am not financially hurting. He was hoping I would not be able to make it w/o his paycheck. I have proved him wrong, I am just fine. I am taking care of myself. I am a happy healthy person now.
Anyway, w/o really knowing if he is drinking or not drinking or going to meeting or not, can others share with me if you have or are going through the same or similar thing.
I will take blame for the divorce but it was his actions that caused me to do it.
I can not make him understand that the love I had for him is gone. He drank it away night after night as I morned the loss of our marriage. I hit my bottom and slowly but completely detached from him in every way. Maybe I took detachment to a new height.
So now becauce I am going through with the divorce and he is sober, everything about the divorce is my fault. Why don;t I just get over it, he was sick. And on and on. I want nothing to do with his recovery. I am taking care of me and my 2 teenaged kids.
I don;t know if he goes to meetings or anything. I don;t ask and he doesnt tell.
Every time I talk to him he tells me "This is all your fault" "You are f----g up our family, our retirement, our money, everything"
He has dragged out the divorce as far as he can. It really pisses him of that I am not financially hurting. He was hoping I would not be able to make it w/o his paycheck. I have proved him wrong, I am just fine. I am taking care of myself. I am a happy healthy person now.
Anyway, w/o really knowing if he is drinking or not drinking or going to meeting or not, can others share with me if you have or are going through the same or similar thing.
I will take blame for the divorce but it was his actions that caused me to do it.
I can not make him understand that the love I had for him is gone. He drank it away night after night as I morned the loss of our marriage. I hit my bottom and slowly but completely detached from him in every way. Maybe I took detachment to a new height.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Well, I'm kind of there.
AH and I split up months ago. He, of course, was so sorry the very next day after his last binge here. When he moved out, he was still so sorry and wanted to come back. I told him to prove it to me by SHOWING me - not telling me. (Actions speak louder than words)
Fortunately for me, because I believe it helped tremendously in my own recovery, AH seemed to have been sincere in the beginning. He admitted that our circumstances were his fault. He admitted this to his family, my family, our children, and myself as well as others.
However, as time passed and I still wasn't ready to take him back - the old him began to reappear. Slowly, in subtle ways, and so forth. But I'm getting off track there....sorry.
There was one night we were having a discussion on the phone concerning us. And I was explaining to him that this was about ME now and I was telling him my needs, etc. He said something like, "So I'll just wait around then and when you find yourself, you'll let me know?". I realized that he did not mean it as it sounded, but to him - he couldn't fathom why I wasn't over it already. He repeatedly told me what a changed person he was - and yet, though I saw some differences, I wanted more!
Now, I wonder.....if I had taken him back sooner, would things have been different this time? Or was it just quacking all along? Did he give up and is slowly returning to his old ways because he feels that I won't take him back anyways? Or was it just one of his many "shows" that I'd seen before - that temporary change that only comes after a big mistake? Hmm......the things that I will probably never know.
I'm not really sure what you were actually asking for - not sure I answered your question really.
But I'm wondering by your post if maybe you are having second thoughts. ????
AH and I split up months ago. He, of course, was so sorry the very next day after his last binge here. When he moved out, he was still so sorry and wanted to come back. I told him to prove it to me by SHOWING me - not telling me. (Actions speak louder than words)
Fortunately for me, because I believe it helped tremendously in my own recovery, AH seemed to have been sincere in the beginning. He admitted that our circumstances were his fault. He admitted this to his family, my family, our children, and myself as well as others.
However, as time passed and I still wasn't ready to take him back - the old him began to reappear. Slowly, in subtle ways, and so forth. But I'm getting off track there....sorry.
There was one night we were having a discussion on the phone concerning us. And I was explaining to him that this was about ME now and I was telling him my needs, etc. He said something like, "So I'll just wait around then and when you find yourself, you'll let me know?". I realized that he did not mean it as it sounded, but to him - he couldn't fathom why I wasn't over it already. He repeatedly told me what a changed person he was - and yet, though I saw some differences, I wanted more!
Now, I wonder.....if I had taken him back sooner, would things have been different this time? Or was it just quacking all along? Did he give up and is slowly returning to his old ways because he feels that I won't take him back anyways? Or was it just one of his many "shows" that I'd seen before - that temporary change that only comes after a big mistake? Hmm......the things that I will probably never know.
I'm not really sure what you were actually asking for - not sure I answered your question really.
But I'm wondering by your post if maybe you are having second thoughts. ????
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Oh, one more thing. Your subject line... I have to agree with you!
It was his actions that caused you to feel the way that you do. It was his actions that brought about the destroying of your relationship and marriage.
It is your decision to divorce, but if your AH had met your needs, loved you, etc. I'm sure that this would not even be an issue, would it?
You know what this reminds me of..........it reminds me of that "blame game" that the alcoholic plays. You know - how they blame someone else for their drinking, someone else for their actions, someone else for everything.
Sounds to me like he's still blaming you for what he has done and created.
Have you ever heard of a dry drunk? Makes me wonder if he's still acting just like he did when he was drinking - only now he's sober????
questions, divorce, he's sober, my fault?
It was his actions that caused you to feel the way that you do. It was his actions that brought about the destroying of your relationship and marriage.
It is your decision to divorce, but if your AH had met your needs, loved you, etc. I'm sure that this would not even be an issue, would it?
You know what this reminds me of..........it reminds me of that "blame game" that the alcoholic plays. You know - how they blame someone else for their drinking, someone else for their actions, someone else for everything.
Sounds to me like he's still blaming you for what he has done and created.
Have you ever heard of a dry drunk? Makes me wonder if he's still acting just like he did when he was drinking - only now he's sober????
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: UK
Posts: 88
I am going through the same type thing you did. My AH drinks every night he isn't working..till he passes out. Guess I am in the detachment process. We have only been married five years. Wonder if AH would go sober if I divorced??? He doesn't seem to think he has a problem with drinking. The whole thing is....Yack, yack yack.
Anyway think you are recovering very nicely. What you have done takes guts and I for one am proud of the way you are doing. You have done what you needed to do and got on with your life. Your ex is responible for his recovery and he alone has to handle his guilt feelings.
Good luck and thanks for posting.
Anyway think you are recovering very nicely. What you have done takes guts and I for one am proud of the way you are doing. You have done what you needed to do and got on with your life. Your ex is responible for his recovery and he alone has to handle his guilt feelings.
Good luck and thanks for posting.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: on my way home
Posts: 73
Ohhhh...you are not alone. I have filed for divorce and mine was going to be sober with or without me...but hes not...he blames me for everything. He invited a woman back to our home..I tired counseling and tried to build back trust he continued to lie....still does...so I filed...but he will NEVER admit he did anything wrong....or at least wrong enough for me to leave...after all it happened just because he was drinking...he told me he would just stop he doesn't need help he doesnt have a problem...but it also wont be his fault when he relapses.
Congrats for all that you have accomplished. ITS NOT YOUR FAULT...Take care of you!!!
Congrats for all that you have accomplished. ITS NOT YOUR FAULT...Take care of you!!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Originally Posted by myselfagain
I am just fine. I am taking care of myself. I am a happy healthy person now.
As for him saying it's all your fault, nope.
That's just him trying to lay blame everywhere but on himself.
No doubt he will keep making a lot of noise about all this.
Let him.
You have chosen the right path for you.
Stick with it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
hi myselfagain...you sound like you are doing good and it gives me inspiration. I have been married 5 years and have two children. I was wondering - the ever present question in my mind...do you wish you would have got out a long time ago? I'm trying to understand the progression of this disease...like do you remember how he was at first and when it got to unbearable? My AH is not terrible yet - well... he is in my mind..I can barely stand it anymore. But, he's not a falling down drunk type. He's just obnoxious and throws out little barbs and gets that drunk attitude, if you can relate. Like I said, I can't stand it. But, since I've got the 2 babies who I know love him immensley - I am trying to work on me and see if I think I could be happy in spite of it. Maybe if he stayed the way he is now...I don't know. But, I know it gets worse and like I said, again - I already can't stand it! I'm 35 now and chances of me finding someone else are not completely terrible..and I just wonder if I should hang in there and pray for peace and sobriety, or if I should get out now. I know you can't tell me the answer - so I guess I'm just wondering if you would share your insight on how this progresses and what your catalyst was for leaving. Thanks so much ... and good luck to you. I don't see how anyone could blame you at all... but, I know the guilt feeling. And how they love to play the 'blame' game, as someone else said... ugh...this is such a nightmare!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: CORDOVA, TN
Posts: 29
MYSELFAGAIN,
As a recovering alcoholic and addict who has been through three failed attempts to stop drinking I almost drank my marriage away; it is not your fault take it from a male who's wife filed for divorce this last downward spiral I was in; it was me alone and the fact I was finally able to admit I was powerless over alcohol, and only a higher power could return me to sanity. I have been married 5 years, and missed three of them drunk, and missed some important time with my girls growing up. My point is it is amazing you have stayed this long. Get on with your life you deserve better than this. I will pray for you
As a recovering alcoholic and addict who has been through three failed attempts to stop drinking I almost drank my marriage away; it is not your fault take it from a male who's wife filed for divorce this last downward spiral I was in; it was me alone and the fact I was finally able to admit I was powerless over alcohol, and only a higher power could return me to sanity. I have been married 5 years, and missed three of them drunk, and missed some important time with my girls growing up. My point is it is amazing you have stayed this long. Get on with your life you deserve better than this. I will pray for you
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Baltimore,MD
Posts: 150
I'm not divorced or separated or really anywhere near that but in my heart and my soul, I guess I am and have been for quite some time now.
Alcohol has caused so many problems emotionally for us, well, mostly me because of the stupid things he has done because of it, that I wonder if he did actually get help, if it would really change anything. I honestly don't know if it would make me fall in love in again.
So much has been lost and all of the forgiveness in the world can't seem to bring it back.
Now it's about living day to day, working, raising the children and finding joy in anything I can in order to keep my head up for them.
Alcohol has caused so many problems emotionally for us, well, mostly me because of the stupid things he has done because of it, that I wonder if he did actually get help, if it would really change anything. I honestly don't know if it would make me fall in love in again.
So much has been lost and all of the forgiveness in the world can't seem to bring it back.
Now it's about living day to day, working, raising the children and finding joy in anything I can in order to keep my head up for them.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Titusville, FL
Posts: 82
It's been almost 17 years of the roller coaster for me. I have asked myself "why didnt I get out before?" I have also asked God to make me stop loving him, because that's the only reason I'm still in this time warp. If I honestly did not love my H, I would have been long gone. I would not have tolerated this treatment from anyone else, why him? If you are set in your mind, do it! You'll be better off in the long run. That long run some of us are still on...................................
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Javatown
Posts: 92
Me too! I'm not married with children, but I have been off and on with my AL for 17 years. We split a couple times with no contact for a year or so, I got on with my life dating and all of that. I love him, straight from the heart, always and forever blahyadablah.
Our relationship has changed and slightly evolved over the years (I am 33 and he is 34), but I have seen and felt a dramatic positive change since I started Alanon last spring.
Good luck, do what you gotta do for your own self!
Our relationship has changed and slightly evolved over the years (I am 33 and he is 34), but I have seen and felt a dramatic positive change since I started Alanon last spring.
Good luck, do what you gotta do for your own self!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: clearwater florida
Posts: 1
wait,my wife cheated on me,threw beer bottles at me hit me,drink and drive,made a fool of herself over and over and separated so i would not try to stop her from having a couple a beers and now i have the kids becausre i am the responsible parent and I am hoping and praying that her sickness will be healed someday so that we can have our family back. it is a sickness,alchoholism and can be cured .i love her enough to recognize this .my marriage vows did include in sickness and in health.God will see us through
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Titusville, FL
Posts: 82
I also took marriage vows waterdog for which I have stuck to more than my AH. I also have been cheated on (twice), called names, had property damage and everything short of physical abuse (which would have made me quit for good). I also would love for my marriage to be normal, which is why I've hung in so long. But one can only be beat down so long and so hard before they figure out it will never change and you've got to save yourself. Everyone's different.
I also agree God will tell me when it's time to stop trying, which is another reason why I'm still hanging in. Unhappy, hopeful, but still hanging in for now.
I also agree God will tell me when it's time to stop trying, which is another reason why I'm still hanging in. Unhappy, hopeful, but still hanging in for now.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: No where
Posts: 79
None of it is your fault. I agree it is a sickness, but I also agree with our marriage vows. It does work both ways. It takes a lot of hard work from BOTH partners to keep the marriage working especially when there is a sickness, whether it is substance abuse or whatever. I believe that if both partners are willing to work at it then you have to try. When one is not willing to work then I also agree that you have to do what is best for you. I guess it is not really anyone's fault. Hang in there.
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: A very sad place
Posts: 115
I agree it is not your fault, but I believe in my marriage vows also. I have been married to my AH for 25 years. Have suffered through the verbal abuse, some physical abuse, property damage, etc. The bad times were not constant and we had a lot of good times. I believed in my AH and I believed in my marriage. Several months ago after a particularly visious episode I told my AH (he left with his drunk friends) that he had to get some help with his problems before he could come back. Because I would no longer support his drinking, etc. he began an affair with his best friends wife. She drinks as much as he does and thinks it is wonderful. I didn't "quit" my marriage, he did.
I agree that it is an illness, but at some point even people who are ill have to take responsibility for their actions.
Hugs
Kat
I agree that it is an illness, but at some point even people who are ill have to take responsibility for their actions.
Hugs
Kat
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Heart of Dixie
Posts: 168
Yes I agree marriage is " for better or worse " and " in sickness and in health " butt.... when you have been pushed down and put down enough untill your emotions go numb and living with that individual makes you miseralble and the love you once had has been killed then it is time to make a change.
Myselfagian I think it took alot out of you just hanging in there for 20 years and it is not your fault. Sometimes we can forgive them but we just cant find it in us to love them the way we should in order for a happy marriage . I can uderstand alot of your emotions. You may even be angry at him for waiting to change untill it is too late to save the marriage but also glad at the same time that he did finally quit. But, I think you also have alot of peace with your decision as well and that is very important. Hugs to you.
Rose
Myselfagian I think it took alot out of you just hanging in there for 20 years and it is not your fault. Sometimes we can forgive them but we just cant find it in us to love them the way we should in order for a happy marriage . I can uderstand alot of your emotions. You may even be angry at him for waiting to change untill it is too late to save the marriage but also glad at the same time that he did finally quit. But, I think you also have alot of peace with your decision as well and that is very important. Hugs to you.
Rose
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
Divorce doesn't have to be anybody's "fault". Trying to blame someone for everything that happens in my life is part of my codieism. Just like blaming is part of my H's alcoholism.
Accepting what is and moving on from there is what's important. Sounds like you are doing a great job of that. Good for you.
L
Accepting what is and moving on from there is what's important. Sounds like you are doing a great job of that. Good for you.
L
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: A very sad place
Posts: 115
Lorelai, you are right. Sometimes Divorce is not anybody's "fault". I know that I contributed to the problems in my marriage by "allowing" things to happen. I am human and have made a lot of mistakes in life. At this point I try not to "blame" my AH but forgive both of us.
Myselfagain, Accepting what is and moving on are difficult and I think you are making good progress.
Hugs
Kat
Myselfagain, Accepting what is and moving on are difficult and I think you are making good progress.
Hugs
Kat
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 105
thank everyone for replying !!!
This is a progressive diesece, it just gets worse if they keep drinking. If I had to do it over again I would have left 5-7 years ago. Sometimes I can kick myself for staying as long as I did, but I can't undo it so I will look forward instead of backward. The children get older, you can not hide it from them forever. The children will suffer more by staying. They will lose their respect and love for the A just as I or you did/have. One of my kids will not have anything to do with her father, if I had had him leave sooner would it have changed things, I don't know. The 2 of them will have to work on that relationship. A does not help, according to him, he did nothing wrong, he was sick and feels that he does not owe her anything. I can not change the feelings between the 2 of them. SHe over 18 so she doen not have to see him if she doesnt want to.
That dry drunk question someone asked me about; Yep, I think I lived with a dry drunk for about 8 months before he moved out. It was as if he had not quit drinking.
Longstrangtrip.........mine got help, went sober, according to him has not had a drink in over a year. I DO NOT want anything to do w/ him. I will not go back there. My love for him went down his throat from bottom after bottle after bottle, nite after nite. How many nites have you sleept alone, went out by yourself, he had to stay home and drink.
I detached from him so long ago I really can't tell you when it happen. I would go to parties by myself, family functions just me and the kids, he would tell the kids he had to work so he could stay home and drink. It was like we were 2 people leading seprate lives. We would come home and tell him what he missed, he would act like he was so sorry he missed something.
Now he is gone and gets the younger kids on Wes. and a few weekends evert now and then. He always makes sure he tells them that the divorce is moms fault and how depressed he is because he is not part of the family anymore. The kids are like, yeah right dad. I dont think he realizes that the kids have been onto his drinking for some time. They have to vent for a while after being w/ him sometimes so I listen. It is getting less as time goes by. I have asked several times if they want to go talk to a pro. about it. They always say no, talking to you, mom, is good enought for them. He actually had it put in the divorce papers that I am not allowed to talk bad about him around the children. LOL.
Anyway, I LOVE THIS PLACE!!
It does remind me of way I had him leave and way I will not let him come back home. His home is elsewhere now,
Bye for now
That dry drunk question someone asked me about; Yep, I think I lived with a dry drunk for about 8 months before he moved out. It was as if he had not quit drinking.
Longstrangtrip.........mine got help, went sober, according to him has not had a drink in over a year. I DO NOT want anything to do w/ him. I will not go back there. My love for him went down his throat from bottom after bottle after bottle, nite after nite. How many nites have you sleept alone, went out by yourself, he had to stay home and drink.
I detached from him so long ago I really can't tell you when it happen. I would go to parties by myself, family functions just me and the kids, he would tell the kids he had to work so he could stay home and drink. It was like we were 2 people leading seprate lives. We would come home and tell him what he missed, he would act like he was so sorry he missed something.
Now he is gone and gets the younger kids on Wes. and a few weekends evert now and then. He always makes sure he tells them that the divorce is moms fault and how depressed he is because he is not part of the family anymore. The kids are like, yeah right dad. I dont think he realizes that the kids have been onto his drinking for some time. They have to vent for a while after being w/ him sometimes so I listen. It is getting less as time goes by. I have asked several times if they want to go talk to a pro. about it. They always say no, talking to you, mom, is good enought for them. He actually had it put in the divorce papers that I am not allowed to talk bad about him around the children. LOL.
Anyway, I LOVE THIS PLACE!!
It does remind me of way I had him leave and way I will not let him come back home. His home is elsewhere now,
Bye for now
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