Collected the pieces and trying to move on
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 137
Collected the pieces and trying to move on
Hello, I havent posted on SR much, but I have been reading your stories frequently... I found myself in a phase where I need some guidance. I will appreciate any honest comments from heart. Please, feel free to be frank with me.
I have been with my addict, now ex boyfriend for 2 years. We met in February 2014. Back then, I had no experience with drugs, and I have never been around any alcoholic or addict. Now I know that even when we met, he used some substances (mostly cocaine, MDMA, speed) once in a while. For the first year of the relationship, this was not apparent at all, at least not to me . We met in a country where I am from. He was rather new there but had many friends, lived active lifestyle and was well put together with a good job.
Fast forward into a 10 months of our relationship, his company asked him to relocate to south of Europe. We both relocated within our companies. Life was good. However, short after we relocated I found out he stopped paying child support to his son he has with his ex girlfriend (regular calls stopped and randoms travels too as a consequence). When confronted, he said something in a way that his ex is controlling and mean person in generall and that he had no strenght to have her in his life. Other than that he had nothig. He says that he loves his son and I know that they had good time together when they saw each other. FYI: his son is based in different country than we are each from or where we moved, but all within Europe. It was stange. When we traveled and had fun, he didnt seem to miss him or be depressed. When we were home, we trained a lot, he spent hours in pubs or had severe chest pains - anxiety- even visited hospital several times.
He started to drink more often and that gradualy led to seeking for other substances. His handeling of finances got really bad too. Around February 2015 he contacted his ex and wanted to amend things with her and wanted to see his son. However, his drug use was getting only worst. Back then, I was thinking to leave him, but it was hard for me financially since i paid for his food way too often. Honestly, I was also discussing it with him and I believed or wanted to believe this was just a bad period and when he sees his son again, it will be good.
May 2015 was pure nightmare. He didnt see his son yet and started take prescription pills like Xanax. He got those pills because on to of everything he got news that his long term ill dad might die soon. He immediatelly started to abuse those pills (went up to 20 mg a day), drunk a lot and was running around the city like a lunetic searching for cocain, even sugesting he would kill his drug dealer. At the end of May he left to be with his family. We broke up and I felt relief that 1. he is gone, 2. he left alive. Anyway, his family kicked him out the week he goth there so he stopped taking pills and after 1 week sober cold turkey, I left him back home. I was so naive. He was OK for 2 months and then it started again.
Everytime he was out of his head, I just wanted him to find job in his home country and to leave or go to rehab. I didnt want to be with him, but I couldnt watch him running around city where he had no friends like a crazy person. I was sorry for him.
The last 6 monts were crazy, he overdosed several times, threatened to kill himself, ended in psychiatric ward, started to feel better, train in the gym and then to being homeless, It was intensive ride.After his last episode as a homeless, he woke up one day and just stopped, was disgusted with all drugs. I took him back home week after he stopped cold turkey. I took him back as a friend, not girlfriend, I was here to support him to get off the street, to find new job back home and leave, basically.
He found great job, and we were playing with the idea that once he fixes his life, especially the part with his son and finances, we might get back together ... either I would move back to his home country or him to mine. We both had enought of south of Europe. Anyway, we felt we needed distace for a while. I didnt want to live his life and try to save him anymore. I was mentally, financially and physically exhausted.
Anyway, as soon as he moved, he started to post really strange comment on his fbook wall, type "**** south of Europe, it is not about the weather, its about the people" and "I found love to my motheland again". To me he kept texting me how great and amazing new people he met and how s. Europe sucks. Basically, he said the city we lived in in s. Europe and where I still am caused his addiction - boredom, boring people, blah blah blah. I felt offended since I was helping him for 8 months and everyone new seemed much better than me. Also, he said he wanted relatiship but it would have to be part of his live in distance. I broke up with him for good. I couldnt listen to this crazy rants anymore. After I broke up with him, he even said that he doesnt love me anymore and that I have changed. Ha!
Funny thing is that any woman that he meets thinks he is charming - he has great job, is interesting, engaging, good looking. He has it all when looking from certain distance.
I am now nearly 2 months without contact. I have traveled a lot and found new friends. However, only now after two months, I started to feel sad for loosing him (him 8 months ago). But was it ven him? Based on information from his brother, some of his past relationships ended becuase of drinking and drugs. However, he was never homeless like with me and this seemed like his worst periord. I feel like a fell into a trap.
I will not contact him, but I woudl like to know what helped you to truly move on? So far I found a lot of strength here on SR. I have also ordered book "Codependent no more" and cant wait to start reading.
I have been with my addict, now ex boyfriend for 2 years. We met in February 2014. Back then, I had no experience with drugs, and I have never been around any alcoholic or addict. Now I know that even when we met, he used some substances (mostly cocaine, MDMA, speed) once in a while. For the first year of the relationship, this was not apparent at all, at least not to me . We met in a country where I am from. He was rather new there but had many friends, lived active lifestyle and was well put together with a good job.
Fast forward into a 10 months of our relationship, his company asked him to relocate to south of Europe. We both relocated within our companies. Life was good. However, short after we relocated I found out he stopped paying child support to his son he has with his ex girlfriend (regular calls stopped and randoms travels too as a consequence). When confronted, he said something in a way that his ex is controlling and mean person in generall and that he had no strenght to have her in his life. Other than that he had nothig. He says that he loves his son and I know that they had good time together when they saw each other. FYI: his son is based in different country than we are each from or where we moved, but all within Europe. It was stange. When we traveled and had fun, he didnt seem to miss him or be depressed. When we were home, we trained a lot, he spent hours in pubs or had severe chest pains - anxiety- even visited hospital several times.
He started to drink more often and that gradualy led to seeking for other substances. His handeling of finances got really bad too. Around February 2015 he contacted his ex and wanted to amend things with her and wanted to see his son. However, his drug use was getting only worst. Back then, I was thinking to leave him, but it was hard for me financially since i paid for his food way too often. Honestly, I was also discussing it with him and I believed or wanted to believe this was just a bad period and when he sees his son again, it will be good.
May 2015 was pure nightmare. He didnt see his son yet and started take prescription pills like Xanax. He got those pills because on to of everything he got news that his long term ill dad might die soon. He immediatelly started to abuse those pills (went up to 20 mg a day), drunk a lot and was running around the city like a lunetic searching for cocain, even sugesting he would kill his drug dealer. At the end of May he left to be with his family. We broke up and I felt relief that 1. he is gone, 2. he left alive. Anyway, his family kicked him out the week he goth there so he stopped taking pills and after 1 week sober cold turkey, I left him back home. I was so naive. He was OK for 2 months and then it started again.
Everytime he was out of his head, I just wanted him to find job in his home country and to leave or go to rehab. I didnt want to be with him, but I couldnt watch him running around city where he had no friends like a crazy person. I was sorry for him.
The last 6 monts were crazy, he overdosed several times, threatened to kill himself, ended in psychiatric ward, started to feel better, train in the gym and then to being homeless, It was intensive ride.After his last episode as a homeless, he woke up one day and just stopped, was disgusted with all drugs. I took him back home week after he stopped cold turkey. I took him back as a friend, not girlfriend, I was here to support him to get off the street, to find new job back home and leave, basically.
He found great job, and we were playing with the idea that once he fixes his life, especially the part with his son and finances, we might get back together ... either I would move back to his home country or him to mine. We both had enought of south of Europe. Anyway, we felt we needed distace for a while. I didnt want to live his life and try to save him anymore. I was mentally, financially and physically exhausted.
Anyway, as soon as he moved, he started to post really strange comment on his fbook wall, type "**** south of Europe, it is not about the weather, its about the people" and "I found love to my motheland again". To me he kept texting me how great and amazing new people he met and how s. Europe sucks. Basically, he said the city we lived in in s. Europe and where I still am caused his addiction - boredom, boring people, blah blah blah. I felt offended since I was helping him for 8 months and everyone new seemed much better than me. Also, he said he wanted relatiship but it would have to be part of his live in distance. I broke up with him for good. I couldnt listen to this crazy rants anymore. After I broke up with him, he even said that he doesnt love me anymore and that I have changed. Ha!
Funny thing is that any woman that he meets thinks he is charming - he has great job, is interesting, engaging, good looking. He has it all when looking from certain distance.
I am now nearly 2 months without contact. I have traveled a lot and found new friends. However, only now after two months, I started to feel sad for loosing him (him 8 months ago). But was it ven him? Based on information from his brother, some of his past relationships ended becuase of drinking and drugs. However, he was never homeless like with me and this seemed like his worst periord. I feel like a fell into a trap.
I will not contact him, but I woudl like to know what helped you to truly move on? So far I found a lot of strength here on SR. I have also ordered book "Codependent no more" and cant wait to start reading.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,999
Hi Maya and welcome. It does sound like you have been through quite the roller coaster in this relationship. This situation sounds very painful for you.
Probably the things that helped me move on were time and pursuing my own dreams. I traveled, learned a second language and went back to school (also read Codependent No More)
Are there any Alanon meetings where you live? These can be helpful although some folks need to try a few before finding a good fit. I hope Codependent No More strikes a chord with you.
Probably the things that helped me move on were time and pursuing my own dreams. I traveled, learned a second language and went back to school (also read Codependent No More)
Are there any Alanon meetings where you live? These can be helpful although some folks need to try a few before finding a good fit. I hope Codependent No More strikes a chord with you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hi, Maya--I'd agree with what BKA said. It's definitely helpful to find some new activities (or pick up an old one that you stopped doing).
But I'd also like to say that you're only 2 months out. Two months of recovery versus 2 years in the relationship. I can almost guarantee that you're going to feel better as time goes on, but as I heard here, "time takes time." We aren't machines that will immediately work differently as soon as someone adjusts the controls; we have to learn and absorb and process the new information and input over time.
It can seem like there is simply no change or improvement day to day. For this, you might find journaling to be helpful simply b/c it provides you with a record of how you felt a week or a month or a year ago. It's easier to see how you're healing and growing when you can look at it that way.
Recovery is a journey and will have many twists and turns that we never expected.
But I'd also like to say that you're only 2 months out. Two months of recovery versus 2 years in the relationship. I can almost guarantee that you're going to feel better as time goes on, but as I heard here, "time takes time." We aren't machines that will immediately work differently as soon as someone adjusts the controls; we have to learn and absorb and process the new information and input over time.
It can seem like there is simply no change or improvement day to day. For this, you might find journaling to be helpful simply b/c it provides you with a record of how you felt a week or a month or a year ago. It's easier to see how you're healing and growing when you can look at it that way.
Recovery is a journey and will have many twists and turns that we never expected.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 137
BKA and Honeypig,
Thank you for your kind words. I know you are right and I think all of us know deep down what is right/healthy choice for us. I am so grateful to have found support here as it gives me strength to action those.
I shoudl find some group to visit on top of SR and the book. I have so many mixed emotions, I feel like he just tossed me and changed me for people who dont really know him (and likes them better), sometimes I dont care at all and am moving on (even thinking I am ready todate someone new - althou I think I will just take time for myself now) and sometimes I just wish I could hug him. Actually, I think there isnt anyone else on this earth I would rather hug.
Thank you for your kind words. I know you are right and I think all of us know deep down what is right/healthy choice for us. I am so grateful to have found support here as it gives me strength to action those.
I shoudl find some group to visit on top of SR and the book. I have so many mixed emotions, I feel like he just tossed me and changed me for people who dont really know him (and likes them better), sometimes I dont care at all and am moving on (even thinking I am ready todate someone new - althou I think I will just take time for myself now) and sometimes I just wish I could hug him. Actually, I think there isnt anyone else on this earth I would rather hug.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Maya, you said this
as well as this
To me, this shows that you understand, to some extent, why he acts like he does. The surface looks great, but the deeper levels are unhealthy and unattractive. This is my XAH also. It's one of the reasons I remained w/him so long--it took me forever to realize that something was really wrong, and then it took me even longer to realize how serious it was, b/c on the surface, things looked pretty good.
You have seen thru his carefully built illusion, and he doesn't want that. That's exactly why he "tossed you" for "people who don't really know him"--he can keep the disguise on, keep the illusion going.
Cold comfort right now, but you've saved yourself a lot of pain further down the road. I think you're smart to delay dating. Live with yourself for a while and learn who you are. Learn what you want, both from life and from a life partner. And don't settle for less, Maya. You only get one shot at this life, so make the most of every day, whether you are on your own or with someone else.
Funny thing is that any woman that he meets thinks he is charming - he has great job, is interesting, engaging, good looking. He has it all when looking from certain distance.
I feel like he just tossed me and changed me for people who dont really know him (and likes them better),
You have seen thru his carefully built illusion, and he doesn't want that. That's exactly why he "tossed you" for "people who don't really know him"--he can keep the disguise on, keep the illusion going.
Cold comfort right now, but you've saved yourself a lot of pain further down the road. I think you're smart to delay dating. Live with yourself for a while and learn who you are. Learn what you want, both from life and from a life partner. And don't settle for less, Maya. You only get one shot at this life, so make the most of every day, whether you are on your own or with someone else.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 137
=The surface looks great, but the deeper levels are unhealthy and unattractive.
You have seen thru his carefully built illusion, and he doesn't want that. That's exactly why he "tossed you" for "people who don't really know him"--he can keep the disguise on, keep the illusion going.
You have seen thru his carefully built illusion, and he doesn't want that. That's exactly why he "tossed you" for "people who don't really know him"--he can keep the disguise on, keep the illusion going.
I just cant believe that they hurt their closest ones on purpose. At least I dont believe my ex did. But then again, I am completely naive.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
MAYA.....you may find an understanding of the answer to your above question by reading an article written by Floyd P. Garrett. MD.----titled: "The Addict's dilemma"......
You can find it...and his other articles....by googling it......
dandylion
You can find it...and his other articles....by googling it......
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
I don't think the illusion is made specifically to cause pain to others, at least not unless there is some other mental condition along with the alcoholism. I think it's part of being an alcoholic and the denial that goes with it. When you don't play into the A's version of reality, you become a problem and out you go.
Have you read other threads in this forum? Have you looked at the stickied threads at the top of the page? Both of those would be very helpful and likely answer a lot of questions for you. Checking into an Alanon meeting could help with education and support for you too.
Here's a link to the article dandylion refers to in her post:
The Addict's Dilemna
Have you read other threads in this forum? Have you looked at the stickied threads at the top of the page? Both of those would be very helpful and likely answer a lot of questions for you. Checking into an Alanon meeting could help with education and support for you too.
Here's a link to the article dandylion refers to in her post:
The Addict's Dilemna
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