There he goes... again
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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There he goes... again
So I just dropped RABF off at airport. There were so many complications with the changing of his bandage after surgery, that he has gone home to his parents' house. I understand that this is for the best on so many levels, but it still hurts. The insurance wasn't going to pay for the visting nurse any longer, and I was unwilling to change the bandage. I guess I should be proud of myself for creating a boundary and sticking to it, but it still hurts. This surgery was in no way necessary immediately, and I voiced my concern in him having surgery so soon after rehab. I was adament that I would not be comfortable playing nurse.... I cant stand the sight of blood and I get very queasy/ feel like im gonna faint. He could have waited 6 months for more recovery under our belts. I was nervous about being put in a caretaker role when I was supposed to be focusing on myself. But he decided on the surgery, and these are the consequences.
In addition, the nurse told him that our small town was ill equipped to handle the after care of the surgery and he should be closer to a city hospital. We are 4 hours away from the nearest city, and his parents are only 45 minutes away from a city... so off he went. Part of me feels he is getting what he wanted the whole time... someone to just take care of him (his mom, now). And I wasn't playing that game anymore. And then part of me is beating myself up for even thinking that and not understanding that he has health issues. Either way, the universe laid it all out... all things happen for a reason... and the reality is that I am not ready to deal with his medical issues, and he needs to deal with this away from me. And I need more space to work on myself anyway. Him being home all the time, unable to work or drive himself anywhere, was distracting from that. But still, it hurts. I will miss him and am nervous about what this all means for our relationship.
Now, the codie in me wants to call up his mother and give her a lecture on how she should and shouldn't deal with her recovering son. Ugh! I am not going to do this, of course, but the urge is there. I am practicing letting go... if he truly wants to recover, he will find a way, even under the dysfunction of his parents' house. Who knows... their dysfunction might be more beneficial for him than our dysfunction right now.
Im gonna try not to feel sorry for myself, try not to future trip, and go about recreating the peaceful space I had made while he was in rehab. Just giving myself the little pep talk I need that everything is going to be okay.
In addition, the nurse told him that our small town was ill equipped to handle the after care of the surgery and he should be closer to a city hospital. We are 4 hours away from the nearest city, and his parents are only 45 minutes away from a city... so off he went. Part of me feels he is getting what he wanted the whole time... someone to just take care of him (his mom, now). And I wasn't playing that game anymore. And then part of me is beating myself up for even thinking that and not understanding that he has health issues. Either way, the universe laid it all out... all things happen for a reason... and the reality is that I am not ready to deal with his medical issues, and he needs to deal with this away from me. And I need more space to work on myself anyway. Him being home all the time, unable to work or drive himself anywhere, was distracting from that. But still, it hurts. I will miss him and am nervous about what this all means for our relationship.
Now, the codie in me wants to call up his mother and give her a lecture on how she should and shouldn't deal with her recovering son. Ugh! I am not going to do this, of course, but the urge is there. I am practicing letting go... if he truly wants to recover, he will find a way, even under the dysfunction of his parents' house. Who knows... their dysfunction might be more beneficial for him than our dysfunction right now.
Im gonna try not to feel sorry for myself, try not to future trip, and go about recreating the peaceful space I had made while he was in rehab. Just giving myself the little pep talk I need that everything is going to be okay.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
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You are very strong for setting and holding to such strong boundaries. I would be struggling too to not call his mom and give advice... Is she an enabler?
While this is not comforting, I imagine this will be a good test for him so to speak as to whether recovery is viable... He's not going to be around his usual support network and if the mom is an enabler then that will be hard...
Hopefully he has a plan for his recovery and sticks to it.
Sending you warm thoughts...
While this is not comforting, I imagine this will be a good test for him so to speak as to whether recovery is viable... He's not going to be around his usual support network and if the mom is an enabler then that will be hard...
Hopefully he has a plan for his recovery and sticks to it.
Sending you warm thoughts...
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Join Date: Jun 2006
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What kind of pain meds was the opiate addict given after his "needed" surgery?
Because I don't think it had anything to do with changing the bandages at all and everything to do with his addiction to opiates.
Mom taking care of him is just his bridge to new doctors and new scripts.
Because I don't think it had anything to do with changing the bandages at all and everything to do with his addiction to opiates.
Mom taking care of him is just his bridge to new doctors and new scripts.
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I dont know if I would call her an enabler? The father is an active alcoholic/ dry drunk... drinks when he he can get his hands on it then periods of not drinking, but white knuckling it. His mom would never buy alcohol though for the father, or her son. She is religious, and speaks of turning it over to god often, but never done alanon. My concern is she really likes to "take care" of her son. And he really likes to be taken care of. I also suspect some control issues. My RABF chose me for a reason, and I suspect its because im alot like his mom.
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I was very concerned about the pills too, but he was given very low dose scrip and taking as necessary. He even turned down a higher dose. Pills were secondary to the alcohol anyway... used more as a stimulant to side effects of alcohol. I dont think he gets the same effect of the pills, without the alcohol. And He was medically advised to leave town... I was standing there when the advice was given. Mersa is rampant in the hospital here, and its a small, isolated town. He has a danger of going septic if bandages aren't changed properly and there are no wound care clinics here. More will be revealed about the pills, but for now, they are not the problem.
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Yes I’m quite sure much more will be revealed about the pills.
In the meantime try and use this time for you, try and discover what it is you truly want out of life compared to what you currently have and what YOU need to do to get there.
In the meantime try and use this time for you, try and discover what it is you truly want out of life compared to what you currently have and what YOU need to do to get there.
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turtle.....I have a feeling that this situation is a triggering for you....about the backlog of resentments that have built up in your relationship with boy friend......
I think it is normal for all of us to want someone to take care of us when we are really sick or incompacitated, in some way.....
I also, think that it is normal for mothers to want to take care of their young when they are in need of help---(no matter how old the young become.....lol....).
.....lol....I also think that a certain amount of "jelousy" (or resentment),by the partner. toward the mother in law...can result if the wife or girlfriend is an extreme care-taker type---in other words, sees caretaking as her chief value or as a controlling influence in the relationship.....
Turtle....I hope you don't take my musings as a criticism of you....I am just spittballin out loud about possible dynamics......
Actually, in a normal healthy relationship---this situation would have just worked out with a minimum of difficulty......
I know that you wish that he were emotionally healthy and that his family of origin were healthy bunch......but, alas, this doesn't sound like the case......
Life is like a box of chocolates......
dandylion
I think it is normal for all of us to want someone to take care of us when we are really sick or incompacitated, in some way.....
I also, think that it is normal for mothers to want to take care of their young when they are in need of help---(no matter how old the young become.....lol....).
.....lol....I also think that a certain amount of "jelousy" (or resentment),by the partner. toward the mother in law...can result if the wife or girlfriend is an extreme care-taker type---in other words, sees caretaking as her chief value or as a controlling influence in the relationship.....
Turtle....I hope you don't take my musings as a criticism of you....I am just spittballin out loud about possible dynamics......
Actually, in a normal healthy relationship---this situation would have just worked out with a minimum of difficulty......
I know that you wish that he were emotionally healthy and that his family of origin were healthy bunch......but, alas, this doesn't sound like the case......
Life is like a box of chocolates......
dandylion
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Dandylion... I don't see it as a criticism at all, but probably pretty close to the truth. Some of this has been discussed with my therapist. My therapist has suggested that his default when feeling uncomfortable, is to find someone to take care of him. I know that it is natural for him to want to be taken care of when feeling sick, I just question the fact that he created a situation to be taken care of immediately upon release from rehab. The surgery was needed, but could have waited a little.
I have also discussed with my therapist the feelings of "jealousy" towards his mother. It is definitely something I should explore more. I really love her and think she is an amazing woman, some things just bother me. Its probably a situation where you don't like in others the faults you have yourself, if you know what I mean?
I think you are right about the resentment too. It runs deep. RABF is not a bad guy. There was no abuse, stealing, or cheating or anything... but the anger and resentment from basically being his caretaker all these years need some time to heal. It really is best he left. I just cannot be the one to take care of him right now. Hopefully I can work through all this in a more productive way while he is gone.
I have also discussed with my therapist the feelings of "jealousy" towards his mother. It is definitely something I should explore more. I really love her and think she is an amazing woman, some things just bother me. Its probably a situation where you don't like in others the faults you have yourself, if you know what I mean?
I think you are right about the resentment too. It runs deep. RABF is not a bad guy. There was no abuse, stealing, or cheating or anything... but the anger and resentment from basically being his caretaker all these years need some time to heal. It really is best he left. I just cannot be the one to take care of him right now. Hopefully I can work through all this in a more productive way while he is gone.
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turtle....I think you are right...that all-in-all...this is for the best, right now.
I think this space of time for YOU to decompress and devote to your own self is just the thing that is needed.
LoL, Turtle, if we really want to go all Sigmund Freud, right now.....there is a feeling that, sometimes, crops up---similar to "sibling rivalry", with our mates.
Seeing the mother bird ministering to our partner.....can arouse some buried feelings of...."I wish I had a mothering figure to minister to me....why can't I have what you are getting!?".........
Again....I am just spitballin.....
dandylion
I think this space of time for YOU to decompress and devote to your own self is just the thing that is needed.
LoL, Turtle, if we really want to go all Sigmund Freud, right now.....there is a feeling that, sometimes, crops up---similar to "sibling rivalry", with our mates.
Seeing the mother bird ministering to our partner.....can arouse some buried feelings of...."I wish I had a mothering figure to minister to me....why can't I have what you are getting!?".........
Again....I am just spitballin.....
dandylion
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Wow... you kinda nailed it again.... kinda. My parents are not really equipped to give me the kind of support that RABF gets from his mom, so there is always this sorta "jealousy " again... also my FOO is so screwed up, I wouldn't know what having support looked like if it smacked me in the face anyways.
Also, ive always wondered what a "trigger" looks like for a codie... and I guess now I know. I didn't really know how to label how I was feeling, but triggered is it. Its like everything I've learned has just gone out the window and I'm scrambling to gain "control" of the situation. Ugh! Just let go Turtle! Lol.
Also, ive always wondered what a "trigger" looks like for a codie... and I guess now I know. I didn't really know how to label how I was feeling, but triggered is it. Its like everything I've learned has just gone out the window and I'm scrambling to gain "control" of the situation. Ugh! Just let go Turtle! Lol.
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OH, my dear Turtle....It is soo hard when we didn't get the kind of nurturing that we needed and deserved as we were growing up......
It looks to me that you are well on your way to figuring things out......
Remember that, just because we didn't get what we needed, growing up....doesn't mean that it is too late.......
I think that working on yourself will be the best thing you have ever done......
dandylion
It looks to me that you are well on your way to figuring things out......
Remember that, just because we didn't get what we needed, growing up....doesn't mean that it is too late.......
I think that working on yourself will be the best thing you have ever done......
dandylion
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