jada1981

So, neither of my parents drink nor ever has. However, both are children of alcoholics. Also, my mother's first husband was very physically abusive...crazy stuff, like locking her up in the house when he would go to work.

Anyways, in examining my own codependency issues, I can see how them growing up in alcoholic households has affected me, even though they themselves never drank. Both parents have always been very controlling and worry about everything. Even though I am 35 years old, my mother still gives me unsolicited advice all the time and acts like I don't know anything. I just got off the phone with her and we were discussing my pending divorce and one of the items she was harping on was telling me that I need to send AH's grandmother photos of the children still, etc. Now, I honestly have no problem doing this, but I have bigger fish to fry at this point and honestly, it's not my responsibility to communicate with AH's grandmother if I don't want to. This is just a small example. Mind you, I'm a lawyer, so I know what I'm doing, yet she also tells me I need to be sure to get my name off the car that he's taking (duh) and multiple other things.

I try to keep it in perspective, because my parents are being very supportive, but I've just become more aware of their behaviors in the last few years. In fact, I'm also convinced they both suffer from narcissistic personality disorder as well. A few years ago, when I told my father I was going to go out on my own and open my own law practice, his response was "Who's going to hire you?" (Wow, thanks for the vote of confidence, dad!) And when I had my wedding 6 years ago, my mom was crazy, making the wedding about her (for instance, trying to force me to have my sister-in-law as my maid of honor, even though we are not close at all!)

Anyways, this is something I've been working through with my therapist. I have to apply the same basic principles I learn in al-anon and here when dealing with my parents also. No wonder I'm crazy!

Hawkeye13

You're not crazy jada, you just grew up with it and have some
old responses you're starting to identify

That's progress--well done!

DesertEyes

One of the most important lessons I learned about being raised in an alcoholic home is that it was not the chemicals that were the problem. It was the dysfunction. Nowadays, the program of Adult Children of Alcoholics is moving away from the whole "alcohol" focus. They even added the term "dysfunction" to the official name of the organization.

Another lesson of ACoA is that human beings are not _born_ with codependency. It is something that is _learned_ and passed on from one generation to the next.

You don't sound crazy to me In ACoA we say that those behaviors that mess up our lives as adults are the ones that saved our lives and sanity as children. We're not crazy, we were just _camouflaged_ as crazy in order to pass unoticed in a dangerous, toxic family.

Have you checked out the ACoA forum "next door"? There's a lot of info there you might find useful.

Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Mike