jellyfish13

My wife comes home from a 30 day rehab in 2 weeks. What should i expect? What should i do and not do? I hate her being gone. Its lonely. But on the other hand i know she is in the beat place for her. What should i change in the house, my actions. Ect. I have never been through this before. I still have to work when she comes home. And she will be alone until 10pm everyday. She has no car (dui) and saddly where we live there is 3 liquar stores. Yes this isnt my battle to fight for her. My questions is how to i calm my anxiety when i am at work?

Katchie

Have you all discussed her going to a sober living environment 1st? That's what I did when my now ExAh was coming home. May be something to think about so she can get a better grip on things.

Addressing what you should be doing: Alanon if you're not already. You need to recover too.

Hugs...things will be ok!

FeelingGreat

Jelly, concentrate on yourself. As a sober A I know that if she is determined not to drink there could be 1000 liquor stores around her and she won't be affected. If, sadly, her will isn't strong enough she'd find a way to cross the desert to get to liquor.

You won't help her by being anxious all the time; you'll just add to her stress levels. Try to follow a normal routine, don't crowd her, and try not to check up on her. zip she does relapse, you'll know without checking I'm sure.

Be prepared for her to be a bit withdrawn and take it as a good sign that she's working hard on herself.

dandylion

jellyfish.....I second the idea of pursuing the idea of a sober living house after discharge. A period of a more structured environment....in the company of others who are motivated to maintain sobriety could be very helpful for her, and you as well. It would give you more time work o n yourself and prepare for when she does come home......

dandylion

hopeful4

Jelly, you are working hard. You are going to have to face two options. She will relapse, or she won't. If she is being true to herself and her own recovery, she won't. Is there any counseling with you involved before she leaves where you could express your thoughts and fears?

I think you should absolutely have a plan in place of what you expect from yourself if she does relapse. No one can tell you what that plan should look like, but I have found that having a plan B in place helps me be more calm as I am a really high key person just by personality.

You should give her space. She will be going from a very controlled environment to one without. It's going to be a unnerving experience for her quite likely. Let her know you support her without nagging her, as that won't do any good. Listen to her if she needs to talk. Focus on you and working on your own codependency.

totfit

Probably the best thing you can do is to keep things as "usual" as possible. For better or worse this is something that is for your spouse to do or not do. For your anxiety, I would just get as involved as I could in work and hobbies and do things with your spouse as she and you like to do. Sometimes, being over zealous about trying to help, protect, etc. can be counter productive. Just let her do what she needs to do. My experience in being in her shoes was that I worked things out on my own best without another trying to be overly involved. You should of course support her as you would in any endeavor, but avoid trying to "manage" her sobriety. That is best left to her. Wish you both the best.

Turtle76

Having just gone through this, all I can say is, if possible, have the lowest possible expectations. My RABF was very queit and withdrawn when he came home. He didnt want to talk much and it was just really important for him to keep his routine. There are going to be lots of ups and downs and the first few days were very diffucult....it is till difficult a month in to him being home. In hindsight, I wish I would have given him more space then I did... so my advice to you is to stay busy and stay out of her bussiness as much as possible. I also realized alot about myself and saw more clearly my role in the dysfunction of our relationship once he was home. So now I am more focused on certain aspects of my recovery. You cannot control any of her behavior when she comes home, so just keep the focus on yourself as much as possible... it is hard hard work! I go to alanon plus individual therapy, and I find guided meditations from you tube really helpful when I think im gonna lose it. One last peice of advice is to get out the duct tape and place it firmly over your mouth, lol. Let her make her own decisions and feel the consequences and rewards of her own successes and failures, without your opinion of what she should or shouldn't do. This is very hard for me and continues to be a source of conflict for me and RABF. Good luck. 🐢

jellyfish13

Thank you all for the advice. I take it all to heart. Giving her space is the best advice you all gave. I go to a councilor. All of your advice really hit home. I know i can be too proactive. Im that way with everything in life. I tackle everything with full force. And when she comes come i will tackle giving her space. Its her choice. If she does relapse idk what a plan b could even be. We cant afford rehab again.

AnvilheadII

rehab is not a cure - it is only a chance to get started on sobriety, with some new insights and new tools. the individual has to make the commitment and WANT to stay sober. and even then, it's a tough go. hopefully the treatment center will work up an aftercare plan for her....and she can couple that therapy and other types of support, be that AA or other sober-goaled programs. but again, that is all up to HER.

like or not, you really should think about Plans B and C. prepare for the possibility that she will drink again.....so you can develop boundaries now. she has a bit more to make up than just a drinking problem......and if it becomes apparent she isn't taking sobriety seriously, just what does that SAY about her other transgressions? it's harsh stuff, but really best to shine a big bright light on the squigglies under the rock NOW.

jellyfish13

I totally agree. If she cant stay sober why would she being staying true to marriage. I understand. I needed that big brihht light.

jellyfish13

Duck tape check. Lol that was the smile i needed today. I might just go buy some and leave it on my night stand. Im the type of person that needs objects for reminders.