Grieving process seems to be on the way... Without having made a conscious decision
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Canada
Posts: 235
Grieving process seems to be on the way... Without having made a conscious decision
Hi everyone,
Something weird is happening. The grieving process seems to have started, and I haven’t even made the final decision and haven’t said the words either…
Yesterday morning, I had an appointment with my therapist. Upon sitting on the couch, before she even had time to say a word, I said, “Ok, so now I’m gonna say something, I gonna say the words that I’ve said in my head and even wrote, but never said out loud. I’m gonna say them now, so I can never take it back, and if I ever try to take those words back, you won’t let me, so here goes, the boyfriend is an alcoholic. Not a guy who likes to party, not a heavy drinker, not even a guy who has a drinking problem. My boyfriend is an alcoholic.’”
After hearing that, my evil genius, 26 years' clean, ex-heroin addict therapist said, “Good for you, you got there on your own!” and then she smiled at me.
Well after that, the floodgates just opened. I started talking… OK venting, and didn’t stop for an hour. Without thinking about it or meaning to do it, I think I just set some new boundaries for myself. I cannot be in a relationship with someone who won’t take responsibility for his problems. I take care of my problems and issues, I expect the same from the man I’m seeing. I cannot be in a relationship with an alcoholic/addict/etc who is not genuinely seeking help and working on himself, I just can’t. I cannot be with someone I can’t trust. I cannot be with someone who thinks saying and trying to respect me is enough. I treat people with respect, I expect people to do the same with me. I cannot be with a man who doesn’t have a job. Apparently, according to him, I have high standards! Well, frak you dear, you have been unemployed since November! And no, it’s not because there isn’t any job to be had, it’s because you don’t get your a$$ in gear and do what you need to do to find work. Oh, and also because you have an overgrown ego and refuse to even look at any job that you feel is beneath you.
Now, given all those boundaries that just solidified in my head during my venting it would seem, it means I won’t spend time or help someone who doesn’t respect me and his not helping himself. It means that if he has no money for food, I can’t give him some groceries. As I have been feeding him every time he comes over, that has to stop too. And since I can’t see myself saying, “Are those peanut butter toasts you’re making? Ah sorry, if you’re hungry you’ll have to go to the store and buy yourself some bread and peanut butter.” It also means that I can’t really have him come over to my place.
He was texting me this afternoon, wondering when he would see me. The conversation was going in circles as it has been going for a while. Me telling him that I didn’t believe his promises anymore. That saying he would respect me wouldn’t cut it. That I had been telling him for months what I was unhappy about, etc. He said:
“well you have things to fix too” (I didn’t respond to that one).
He then said, “so what, I have to make all the changes and not you? What about my needs? They mean sh?%?”.
To which I answered, ”If the needs you want me to satisfy are sex, and more passionate sex, and seeing me more often, then it won’t happen before you consistently treat me with respect and that I feel good about the situation”.
His answer was a pathetic “OK…”
Since then, I’ve gone from angry to sad, and without any hope that my needs will ever be met in that relationship. I haven’t told him it’s over, just as he hasn’t told me that he would make the required changes, but I don’t think either of us are holding our breaths.
Let’s just say I’m confused… And grieving.
Something weird is happening. The grieving process seems to have started, and I haven’t even made the final decision and haven’t said the words either…
Yesterday morning, I had an appointment with my therapist. Upon sitting on the couch, before she even had time to say a word, I said, “Ok, so now I’m gonna say something, I gonna say the words that I’ve said in my head and even wrote, but never said out loud. I’m gonna say them now, so I can never take it back, and if I ever try to take those words back, you won’t let me, so here goes, the boyfriend is an alcoholic. Not a guy who likes to party, not a heavy drinker, not even a guy who has a drinking problem. My boyfriend is an alcoholic.’”
After hearing that, my evil genius, 26 years' clean, ex-heroin addict therapist said, “Good for you, you got there on your own!” and then she smiled at me.
Well after that, the floodgates just opened. I started talking… OK venting, and didn’t stop for an hour. Without thinking about it or meaning to do it, I think I just set some new boundaries for myself. I cannot be in a relationship with someone who won’t take responsibility for his problems. I take care of my problems and issues, I expect the same from the man I’m seeing. I cannot be in a relationship with an alcoholic/addict/etc who is not genuinely seeking help and working on himself, I just can’t. I cannot be with someone I can’t trust. I cannot be with someone who thinks saying and trying to respect me is enough. I treat people with respect, I expect people to do the same with me. I cannot be with a man who doesn’t have a job. Apparently, according to him, I have high standards! Well, frak you dear, you have been unemployed since November! And no, it’s not because there isn’t any job to be had, it’s because you don’t get your a$$ in gear and do what you need to do to find work. Oh, and also because you have an overgrown ego and refuse to even look at any job that you feel is beneath you.
Now, given all those boundaries that just solidified in my head during my venting it would seem, it means I won’t spend time or help someone who doesn’t respect me and his not helping himself. It means that if he has no money for food, I can’t give him some groceries. As I have been feeding him every time he comes over, that has to stop too. And since I can’t see myself saying, “Are those peanut butter toasts you’re making? Ah sorry, if you’re hungry you’ll have to go to the store and buy yourself some bread and peanut butter.” It also means that I can’t really have him come over to my place.
He was texting me this afternoon, wondering when he would see me. The conversation was going in circles as it has been going for a while. Me telling him that I didn’t believe his promises anymore. That saying he would respect me wouldn’t cut it. That I had been telling him for months what I was unhappy about, etc. He said:
“well you have things to fix too” (I didn’t respond to that one).
He then said, “so what, I have to make all the changes and not you? What about my needs? They mean sh?%?”.
To which I answered, ”If the needs you want me to satisfy are sex, and more passionate sex, and seeing me more often, then it won’t happen before you consistently treat me with respect and that I feel good about the situation”.
His answer was a pathetic “OK…”
Since then, I’ve gone from angry to sad, and without any hope that my needs will ever be met in that relationship. I haven’t told him it’s over, just as he hasn’t told me that he would make the required changes, but I don’t think either of us are holding our breaths.
Let’s just say I’m confused… And grieving.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Oh friend-I've so been there. And if it's any consolation I think I can say most of us have had those same circular arguments-I had then for years. Example: me-"I don't trust you because you've been lying to me for years". Him-"well, that's your problem-you have issues if you don't trust me. Sounds like a personal problem". Yep. I understand your feelings and here's the deal-you will never get through to him-never.
Btw, I too had held so much in and the first time I uttered the words "my husband is an alcoholic" the flood gates opened. I mean I cried harder than I ever had. Years of holding back and not wanting to say what I knew to be true just engulfed me. Pretty overwhelming. When I got home that night husband was already drunk-made fun of me for going to Alanon and therapy and snide remarks about me obviously having so many issues that I needed a therapist. My ex on a good day was great and on a bad day was an evil manipulative abusive monster that took great pleasure in tearing me down. It is what it is. That doesn't reflect on me, only him.
You will be ok. It just takes your heart time to catch up with what your brain already knows. Peace to you, friend. I know you're hurting and we are here for you. Keep talking-it helps. And know that we all have been there and walked in your shoes.
Hugs.
Btw, I too had held so much in and the first time I uttered the words "my husband is an alcoholic" the flood gates opened. I mean I cried harder than I ever had. Years of holding back and not wanting to say what I knew to be true just engulfed me. Pretty overwhelming. When I got home that night husband was already drunk-made fun of me for going to Alanon and therapy and snide remarks about me obviously having so many issues that I needed a therapist. My ex on a good day was great and on a bad day was an evil manipulative abusive monster that took great pleasure in tearing me down. It is what it is. That doesn't reflect on me, only him.
You will be ok. It just takes your heart time to catch up with what your brain already knows. Peace to you, friend. I know you're hurting and we are here for you. Keep talking-it helps. And know that we all have been there and walked in your shoes.
Hugs.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You don't sound at all confused to ME, just reluctant to say those words, "It's over."
My second husband, after he lost his job shortly after we married, also refused to seek work that he felt was "beneath him." Or, as he used to call them, "doofus jobs." Funny, but that same pride didn't stand in the way of his being OK with my looking for a SECOND job (I'd taken a job "beneath me" because I couldn't find the job I wanted, and that job didn't pay the bills).
I think once you DO find it in you to say those words to him, you'll feel the same kind of relief you did when you talked to your therapist. Not that you won't feel sadness for a while, but sitting on the fence gets hard on the butt after a while.
My second husband, after he lost his job shortly after we married, also refused to seek work that he felt was "beneath him." Or, as he used to call them, "doofus jobs." Funny, but that same pride didn't stand in the way of his being OK with my looking for a SECOND job (I'd taken a job "beneath me" because I couldn't find the job I wanted, and that job didn't pay the bills).
I think once you DO find it in you to say those words to him, you'll feel the same kind of relief you did when you talked to your therapist. Not that you won't feel sadness for a while, but sitting on the fence gets hard on the butt after a while.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
I've always been baffled by the logic that says, hey, okay, we have problems but I will work on them only if we have sex every time I want. My ex tried this logic repeatedly.
In what world is blackmail an aphrodisiac?
In what world is blackmail an aphrodisiac?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Canada
Posts: 235
The worse part of this logic, is that to him, it's a perfectly reasonable request...I'm sure his mama would slap him silly is he ever told her about his "reasonable request".
I sure as hell know mine would if I ever lowered myself to ceding to his request.
My dad would then sit me down and give me a stern talking to until my ears bleed...
Yes, yes, they would do that to their 33 years old daughter!
I sure as hell know mine would if I ever lowered myself to ceding to his request.
My dad would then sit me down and give me a stern talking to until my ears bleed...
Yes, yes, they would do that to their 33 years old daughter!
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Alcoholics have their own brand of insanity-that's why you cannot communicate with an addict like a normal rational human being. It is insane. My ex told me while in rehab that he had literally been insane while drinking-I would wholeheartedly agree.
It will drive you crazy trying to figure it out-don't even try.
It will drive you crazy trying to figure it out-don't even try.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I know what you mean. For several months before I actually kicked out my X I had these feelings. I was facing what I knew was going to happen, even if I was not ready to say it. I grieved. When I kicked him out I felt relief. I did not cry. I was not upset (other than for my children). I had already grieved, and honestly, that was a huge relief that helped me focus on the things I had to do in front of me, one step at a time.
Hugs to you.
Hugs to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Canada
Posts: 235
Hopeful,
Thank you! And thank you Forourgirls! I was confused as to why as was grieving without really having taken any action. I feel less weird now. I makes sense in a way, once the grieving is done, it might become much easier to take action.
Thank you! And thank you Forourgirls! I was confused as to why as was grieving without really having taken any action. I feel less weird now. I makes sense in a way, once the grieving is done, it might become much easier to take action.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Oh definitely! So many say they know when that switch goes off in their head. I did not understand until it happened to me as well. Once it did, I could only move ahead.
You are going to be just fine Kata! Hugs to you!
You are going to be just fine Kata! Hugs to you!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Canada
Posts: 235
Hopeful : Yes it feels like a bit like a switch has been turned on.
What scares me a bit is that next Monday is March 21st. As I've said before, the ABF is my childhood sweethart and the one I've shared my first kiss with. For some reason, I've always remembered the date of my first kiss.
And every year on that day, I would think of that moment and think fondly of the memory...
It scares me a bit, I don't want to think back to that memory this year.... I've already made an appointment with my therapist for that day, just so I could work out any feelings that come up. But I'm kind of unsure about the rest of that day. I guess you could say I feel vulnerable. I just wish I could hop on a plane et get out of the country and out of reach on that day.
What scares me a bit is that next Monday is March 21st. As I've said before, the ABF is my childhood sweethart and the one I've shared my first kiss with. For some reason, I've always remembered the date of my first kiss.
And every year on that day, I would think of that moment and think fondly of the memory...
It scares me a bit, I don't want to think back to that memory this year.... I've already made an appointment with my therapist for that day, just so I could work out any feelings that come up. But I'm kind of unsure about the rest of that day. I guess you could say I feel vulnerable. I just wish I could hop on a plane et get out of the country and out of reach on that day.
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