trying to cope
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: san diego ca
Posts: 5
trying to cope
Hi I'm new here.
my brother is an alcoholic/drug user. My mom is his co dependent. I have been dealing with their very toxic dysfunctional relationship for 25 years. I have recently cracked and had an unplanned intervention during our last visit with them for my mothers birthday.
My mother allows my 38 year old brother to take over her home and bully everyone. He will come home after his daily all nighters and pass out on the living room floor to sleep there all day. He pays no bills has no job.
I come to visit with my husband and children, and can NOT do it anymore. My children are getting old enough to realize something is wrong. I have two small little girls.
So I layed down the law for the last time and left their home. My mom was very nasty to me and slammed the door in my face and locked it.
After this ordeal she invited one of my brothers looser friends to move in. I took it as a slap in the face. She sees it as helping
My mother is taking my boundaries very lightly, she seems to be alright with the fact that I won't be visiting with her grandchildren anymore and that she will not have a good relationship as she once had with me.
she says she doesn't have the strength to deal with it.
I am heartbroken that she won't come to grips with so much at steak. I know I NEED TO HOLD MY GROUND.and I will but its so painful.
How can I cope? Ive been to going al-anon and finding spiritual peace. but the fact that she is neglecting all of her healthy true relationships is sickening to me. any advice on carrying on....
This situation is very complicated and has many facets that I haven't mentioned. I just need to know how to cope without my mother in my life.
my brother is an alcoholic/drug user. My mom is his co dependent. I have been dealing with their very toxic dysfunctional relationship for 25 years. I have recently cracked and had an unplanned intervention during our last visit with them for my mothers birthday.
My mother allows my 38 year old brother to take over her home and bully everyone. He will come home after his daily all nighters and pass out on the living room floor to sleep there all day. He pays no bills has no job.
I come to visit with my husband and children, and can NOT do it anymore. My children are getting old enough to realize something is wrong. I have two small little girls.
So I layed down the law for the last time and left their home. My mom was very nasty to me and slammed the door in my face and locked it.
After this ordeal she invited one of my brothers looser friends to move in. I took it as a slap in the face. She sees it as helping
My mother is taking my boundaries very lightly, she seems to be alright with the fact that I won't be visiting with her grandchildren anymore and that she will not have a good relationship as she once had with me.
she says she doesn't have the strength to deal with it.
I am heartbroken that she won't come to grips with so much at steak. I know I NEED TO HOLD MY GROUND.and I will but its so painful.
How can I cope? Ive been to going al-anon and finding spiritual peace. but the fact that she is neglecting all of her healthy true relationships is sickening to me. any advice on carrying on....
This situation is very complicated and has many facets that I haven't mentioned. I just need to know how to cope without my mother in my life.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
I know there are others on this board with more difficult family of origin issues than me. I would say that for your own emotional well-being, and the emotional well-being of your daughters, you should feel free to limit contact with your mother as much as necessary. You can't make her value her healthy relationships, and you can't stop her from enabling your brother. Setting these boundaries isn't going to change that. The boundaries can, however, protect YOU from more emotional harm.
It's so hard to enforce boundaries in the beginning. I did things like take up my hobbies with great passion. When I was trying to detach from my STBXAH, I would sit and sew for hours on end, just to keep my mind busy and away from obsessing over what he was doing. Perhaps you and your daughters can find something fun to do together when you start to feel stressed out about your mother's behavior.
It's so hard to enforce boundaries in the beginning. I did things like take up my hobbies with great passion. When I was trying to detach from my STBXAH, I would sit and sew for hours on end, just to keep my mind busy and away from obsessing over what he was doing. Perhaps you and your daughters can find something fun to do together when you start to feel stressed out about your mother's behavior.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Hi there and I'm sorry for what brings you here. Getting healthy boundaries in place doesn't happen overnight, but I'm really happy for you that you've taken the first steps. I had to do that with my sister and it took about 2 years and we are now completely No Contact and my life is now drama-free (mind you it took me 50 years to get there and recognize the toxicity and I healthiness of TRYING to have a normal family relationship with her!). You have your daughters to think of here (as you ARE) and want/need to model healthy relationships - good for you! Your Mom had a nasty reaction bc she's embarrassed of herself but doesn't know any other way to act with your brother, so she's taking it out on you to make it seem like YOU are in the fault, not her. I can tell you some of the things I did to start the detachment process if you'd like after you hear from some others as well. I'm not saying you must go No Contact as I did. Who knows, maybe she/they may end up respecting your boundaries...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Accepting your mother's sickness is key to working through your emotions about how she is handling this situation. Enablers are just as addicted to the alcoholic as the alcoholic is to drinking. I applaud you for removing yourself and especially your children from this cycle of unhealthy behavior.
With a little time and distance from her household you will begin to see that her choices have nothing to do with you, and then you will be so grateful for making this painful decision to enforce your own boundaries and protect yourself and your kids from this toxicity. Please stick around and read as much as you can about addiction and how it is truly a family disease. Sending you strength, courage, and hugs.
With a little time and distance from her household you will begin to see that her choices have nothing to do with you, and then you will be so grateful for making this painful decision to enforce your own boundaries and protect yourself and your kids from this toxicity. Please stick around and read as much as you can about addiction and how it is truly a family disease. Sending you strength, courage, and hugs.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Like SparkleKitty said & I had to accept - my family has been affected by the disease of alcoholism ~ some are affected by actually drinking the substance, some are affected by the behaviors of those that drink.
The same healthy compassion that my recovery encourages me to show to the suffering alcoholic is the same healthy compassion my recovery encourages me to show to those family members.
By healthy compassion, I don't mean enabling or tolerating unacceptable behaviors. I still need to set my boundaries to keep me & my children safe.
Just my experience, strength & hope ~
wishing you the best
PINK HUGS!
The same healthy compassion that my recovery encourages me to show to the suffering alcoholic is the same healthy compassion my recovery encourages me to show to those family members.
By healthy compassion, I don't mean enabling or tolerating unacceptable behaviors. I still need to set my boundaries to keep me & my children safe.
Just my experience, strength & hope ~
wishing you the best
PINK HUGS!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
I agree with everything already stated. It's so imperative when you have children-it's awful to see someone choose this life and also have a mother continue the enabling and dysfunction. Good for you for getting a clear view of what's going in and putting up some boundaries. All I can add is that it seems their relationship is the root of the dysfunction, not just the drinking will have to cease-but you are taking care of yourself and your kids-your brother and mother are on their own!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Welcome to SR! I think you are on your way with some excellent boundaries. Another good thing you are doing is putting your children at the center of your decision-making process. Putting their well-being as your focus helps you make good decisions. And it sounds like you've not only tried Al Anon, but have found a helpful group!
You are really doing a trifecta of super things.
You are really doing a trifecta of super things.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: san diego ca
Posts: 5
thank you everyone. and I agree with all of your comments. The big issue is that my girls keep asking when are they going to go back to grandmas? I don't have the heart to tell them that we aren't going back.
I asked her what I should say to the girls.... trying to get her to understand the severity of the situation, she will not answer that question.
The trouble is that my brother and mom live in a very touristy town, hotel/motels start at $400 a night there so we can't afford to visit without staying in her home. She just figures that she can come see the grandkids and stay with us..problem solved! I told her no. I am very upset and she can't have that luxury right now, my husband and I are very hurt. she of course did not understand.
she is getting older, I want my girls to have a relationship with their grandmother. But I'm not willing to just give in without her making some changes. But its very clear to me that she and my brother will never change. ever. She has been in full blown denial for so many years. Her coping mechanisms are rock solid.
So here I am... a mother with the stigma that I am "keeping my kids from their grandmother" its awful. How do I get her to understand me and what do I say to get my point across that our situation is dire.... there is no way is there?
I asked her what I should say to the girls.... trying to get her to understand the severity of the situation, she will not answer that question.
The trouble is that my brother and mom live in a very touristy town, hotel/motels start at $400 a night there so we can't afford to visit without staying in her home. She just figures that she can come see the grandkids and stay with us..problem solved! I told her no. I am very upset and she can't have that luxury right now, my husband and I are very hurt. she of course did not understand.
she is getting older, I want my girls to have a relationship with their grandmother. But I'm not willing to just give in without her making some changes. But its very clear to me that she and my brother will never change. ever. She has been in full blown denial for so many years. Her coping mechanisms are rock solid.
So here I am... a mother with the stigma that I am "keeping my kids from their grandmother" its awful. How do I get her to understand me and what do I say to get my point across that our situation is dire.... there is no way is there?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: san diego ca
Posts: 5
i called her on valentines day to tell her I loved her and we had an awkward talk. She just says whatever just to pacify me. its annoying beyond words. I want to have NO CONTACT. with out the guilt. I'm still working on that. I just don't know what to say to my kids
I don't speak to my brother because he either doesn't make sense, or is very rude, or he is picking a fight with my mom.... and when they started fighting in front of my kids 10 years ago, I started small boundaries.we can't speak on the phone/text/ in person without a fight. My husband would have to make a phone call before we arrived to their home to remind my brother how to act in front of our children (he and my bro are the same age) and my bro would assure him everything would be fine. We would travel hundreds of miles to get there and have my brother go back on his word every time.
After my unplanned intervention ...I resourced a recovery program that would be covered under his insurance and gave the info to them. My mom made every excuse why he could not go. and my brother never responded to me about it.
So in my mind I have done everything to wipe my hands clean. its just explaining to the kids whats up thats hard
I don't speak to my brother because he either doesn't make sense, or is very rude, or he is picking a fight with my mom.... and when they started fighting in front of my kids 10 years ago, I started small boundaries.we can't speak on the phone/text/ in person without a fight. My husband would have to make a phone call before we arrived to their home to remind my brother how to act in front of our children (he and my bro are the same age) and my bro would assure him everything would be fine. We would travel hundreds of miles to get there and have my brother go back on his word every time.
After my unplanned intervention ...I resourced a recovery program that would be covered under his insurance and gave the info to them. My mom made every excuse why he could not go. and my brother never responded to me about it.
So in my mind I have done everything to wipe my hands clean. its just explaining to the kids whats up thats hard
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
You cannot control her response to this situation, my friend. There are no 'magic words' that will MAKE her understand. She doesn't understand.
As for being a mother with a stigma of keeping your kids from their grandmother -- that is the story you are currently telling yourself, and you can choose not to. I would phrase it as protecting your kids from an unsafe situation. Your mother has lost the right to have her grandchildren in her own home by refusing to enforce any boundaries there concerning your brother.
As for what to tell your kids when they ask, I am going to cede the floor to the parents in this forum. As an adult child of an alcoholic parent myself (and a codependent one as well), I can only advise that you be as honest as possible in an age-appropriate way. Your mother and your brother are sick, and it isn't safe for your children to be around them.
As for being a mother with a stigma of keeping your kids from their grandmother -- that is the story you are currently telling yourself, and you can choose not to. I would phrase it as protecting your kids from an unsafe situation. Your mother has lost the right to have her grandchildren in her own home by refusing to enforce any boundaries there concerning your brother.
As for what to tell your kids when they ask, I am going to cede the floor to the parents in this forum. As an adult child of an alcoholic parent myself (and a codependent one as well), I can only advise that you be as honest as possible in an age-appropriate way. Your mother and your brother are sick, and it isn't safe for your children to be around them.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: san diego ca
Posts: 5
thank you miss sparkle kitty. yes I am a child of an alcoholic parent too, my dad passed from alcoholism and cancer..my mother transferred her codependent ways onto my brother. I was honest when my oldest was falling apart and did not understand. I told her that her uncle has some adult problems that he needs to deal with. I know I can't control her, I have been dealing with this this going on 25 years. yes you are right she does not understand. thank you
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: McLean VA
Posts: 93
You don't mention how old your kids are. I have a similar situation with my brother. At this point my almost 15 year old knows the real deal. My 13 year old does not so I've just stated things simply w/o telling the whole story. If yours are younger, you could just talk to them about how to treat people and that when you are treated badly you need to take a break from that person. Fortunately my AB doesn't live with my parents. But a lot of the behaviors you describe ring a very eerily familiar tune. I find reading helps. And this forum. I read In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts by Gabor Mate, Md. It was recommended here. Good luck and hugs to you!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
SMB, I do not have alcoholics in my family of origin. As messed up as he is in many ways, I have always given my STBXAH a lot of credit for his use of boundaries with his own dad. His dad was not an addict, but he was very physically and emotionally abusive of my STBXAH, my STBXAH's sisters, and their mother. Even though the abuse generally ended over 20 years ago when STBXAH turned 18 and moved out, he listens carefully to himself when it comes to how his dad triggers him. He has gone YEARS without even speaking to his dad (incidentally, usually when he is sober and working a program). And when our DS was born, STBXAH set some very firm boundaries where his dad was concerned, and he has stuck to them religiously for over 5 years.
I can't imagine the pain that comes with not being able to count on parents. We SHOULD be able to count on our parents. But many of us can't, and that just plain sucks. I hope you are able to stick to your boundaries, and find some peace in the situation.
I can't imagine the pain that comes with not being able to count on parents. We SHOULD be able to count on our parents. But many of us can't, and that just plain sucks. I hope you are able to stick to your boundaries, and find some peace in the situation.
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